22 year old daughter with-1year old child is homeless.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Precious2k1, Sep 5, 2017.

  1. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Hello,
    I wish I had thought about signing up for or found a parenting forum long before this. The teenage years was the most difficult time of my life raising both of my children. I find it ironic that they both left at the same age, 16. Both times was because they were being grounded. So I'm in a space where I question everything I do and think. Usually one child is difficult and the other is successful but both of mine are destined to live a hard life.
    My daughter is 22 years old and has a one year old daughter that she planned on having knowing she has nothing to take care of herself let alone a child. Now she's bouncing from shelter to shelter with her baby.
    She's not living with me because when she decided to get pregnant when she was living in Atlanta with her father instead of focusing on her college courses. I was living with my girlfriend and her family to get my finances in order while going through a separation/divorce. That took two years. So I had no place of my own when she decided to come to NY after the baby was born. She knew this yet she was angry with me for not fixing things for her and the baby.
    Now I have my own one bedroom apartment still struggling financially but I am wanting to taking her in to help her get her life together and to secure my grandaughter's safety. However, I am afraid that she wouldn't stick to the plan and we'll end up fighting because I don't want her friends in my apartment, she would have to come in at decent time, and the smoking of weed would not be tolerated in my home. My daughter is very manipulative and knows all the right words to say to get me to break, I've coddled her for years, hense my financial situation is in a disarray (all resources have been exhausted) paying for extracurricular activities and shopping sprees, travel expenses for the family to and from Atlanta for her HS graduation, private residence while she attended GSU because she didn't get along with her roommates on the school dorms...
    It's been a battle since age 16 and I just don't want to fight with her anymore.
    Please advise.
    Thanks,
    Tired of the day-to-day drama of the last 8 years.
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your daughter is an ADULT. I think it is time for her to learn that adults often have to deal with hard things like consequences of their actions. She PLANNED to have a child when she could not take care of one. Now is the time for social services to get involved, not you.

    I know that sounds harsh, but having her move into your home won't help her learn to grow up and be an adult. It will teach her that someone will always rescue her. Sure she will be angry when she doesn't get rescued, she won't be getting her way. Boo Hoo. Let her be upset. Don't take it personally and don't let her have her tantrum in your space. Go do something you enjoy and don't be around her when she is upset. Be around her when she is pleasant and respectful. If she gets disrespectful/unpleasant, you leave/hang up the phone, ask her to leave your home. Every time. It is a way to draw boundaries that are much needed and it also helps her grow up.

    I used to have a lot of drama and especially conflama in my life. Conflama is conflict plus drama. I hate it. Then I decided to not have it any longer. I refuse to fight with people. I used to fight, and it fed the conflama. I used to argue. Now I state what I want calmly. I state my expectations and boundaries once. Sometimes a second time. Then I am done. Discussion can happen if people are calm and respectful. If it gets tense or angry, I leave. Sometimes I don't even end the conversation, I just walk away while people are yammering. No one glued me to a chair or nailed my feet down. I am free to leave if I am uncomfortable.

    Know what? After about a month my family got it. We don't have arguments any longer. If someone gets loud in my house they are laughing. It took a lot longer for other relatives who don't live with me. Even my brother eventually got it. I think he is addicted to arguments. He will argue over anything, quite literally over the dumbest things. When I started walking away, to the point of shutting doors in his face if needed, eventually he got it. Now he rarely tries to argue with me. Being around him is much more pleasant!!

    You can stop the conflama too! Don't react to it. I had to learn how to not feed it, how to draw boundaries and keep them. With your daughter I strongly recommend NOT having her move in with you. I would call Children's Services about your granddaughter. Why? Your daughter PLANNED to have a child so that you and her father would take care of her. She did this so that you would HAVE to support her so that her child would not go without. She did not do this (have a child) because she wanted a child, or because she thought she would be a good mother. She could see a time when you would expect her to support herself, to pay her own way. Having a child is a ticket back into your pocketbook. Don't fall for it. Keep the pocketbook closed no matter what your daughter says.

    Your granddaughter is your daughter's responsibility, not yours. If she is truly worried about her child, she can give you legal custody of the child and then you can raise the child. At that time you can make all the decisions and pay all the bills for the child. Until that happens, make your daughter face the responsibility. Give her lists of local shelters and food banks. Tell her where to go to get food stams and WIC benefits Other than that, let her figure it out.

    She is smart enough to get into GSU, she is smart enough to figure out how to care for her daughter. Or else she is smart enough to figure out she cannot care for her child and to tell you she needs you to take custody. Honestly, I would call Children's Services and report her, but I am a bit of a hard :censored2: about kids in bad situations.

    I don't mean to sound hard or mean. I think you are a great mom who has done a ton for her kids and needs to step back. Sometimes we do so much that we weaken our kids. Then we have to step way back, even when the kids don't want us to. They end up saying awful things to us, and getting very angry, because we cut off the fun and luxury things that are so expensive. We have to let them be angry and let them learn that they can function on their own with whatever they earn. They also have to learn that they can figure out the answers to their problems without us or our help. They get so used to us answering their questions and fixing their problems and rescuing them that they cannot really function on their own. When we stop doing all of that, our children get angry with us. They don't want the easy road to stop. But it is best for them if the easy road stops and they learn to stand on their own two feet. It is called growing up and everyone has to do it. Your daughter is 21 and a mother and it is time she does this.
     
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  3. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Thank you very much for your response. It helps to speak with someone outside the box and get their perspective. I am feeling guilty about her going from shelter to shelter. But like you said she made this decision now she has to face the consequences. I won't call child protective services just yet however. I can see she takes care of my grandbaby. She walking, talking and she's happy not abused nor neglected.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like susies advice. A lot. All of it.

    I have grandchildren and I lnow CPS has a high bar before they step in, but they may not tolerate a child living shelter to shelter. If you are worried about this child, and healthy enough to do so, I would offer my home to the child only. Your daughter is not providing her with stability. Are drugs involved?
    Refusing to work, using drugs, etc. is neglect/abuse. CPS may actually give her options to help her situation.

    I doubt you would even legally be allowed to bring two more people into a one bedroom apartment. Let Daughter stand alone. You are already in financial peril trying to save her and your sacrifices did not help her. Money is never a good answer,especially with drugs involved if they are.

    Our difficult adult children do not undetstand that a hand up until they get it together means they work hard to get out of the hole. They think it means lifetime support and often means we are putting up with abuse, stealing, etc.

    You already said chaos would happen if she moved in. You know her best. She wont change for no reason. She wants you to feel so guilty that you will do anything for her. But if she is able bodied, she can work. Why doesnt she?

    No is a complete sentence. Take care of yourself. Stop thinking you can fix your daughter. You tried. Its her turn to fix herself. Get into therapy. A third, uninvolved person is very helpful. Much more so than self righteous family and "friends."

    Good luck!
     
  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Been there done that. Even if you rescue her this time, there will always be a next time. Time to stop the craziness.
     
  6. Acacia

    Acacia Member

    I agree with all that's been said. This is hard stuff, doubly so when grandchildren are involved. My 37 year old daughter is on grandchild number 2. I took her in after the first, warned her about not having a second. I offered to take my first grandchild in. My daughter refused that.

    She has not changed or grown up. She has a college degree, but she makes horrible choices and then EXPECTS me to pick up the pieces all the while telling me what a horrible person I am. I can't do it anymore because the financial, emotional, and physical toll is too great.

    It sounds as though you have done enough, helped enough, sacrificed enough. I doubt your taking her in will motivate her to live her life responsibly. Be kind to yourself.
     
  7. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Wow thank you so much. I have offered but her response is "if can't take me too you can't take my daughter". The only drug I'm aware of is marijuana. She gets jobs but hasn't been able to keep one.
    I would love to join a therapy group for parents both single and married parents to get a well rounded perspective. I'm in NYC if anyone has any recommendations.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Precious. I'm sorry you're going through this with your daughter.

    You may want to read the article on Detachment at the bottom of my post here, perhaps it will offer you some guidance and solace.

    If your daughter has a mental illness or conduct disorder, you might try contacting NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They can be accessed on line and have chapters in many cities. They have wonderful courses for us parents, you may find support, guidance, info and resources there.

    You might also try goodtherapy.org which may help you with a therapy group in your area.

    In addition to detaching from your daughter's choices and dramas, it is imperative to get support for yourself and begin to re-learn how to focus on yourself. Find ways to do nurturing, nourishing things for yourself.

    Find support, keep posting and build strong boundaries.....I'm glad you found us.....you're not alone.
     
  9. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Good morning. I am so thrilled I found you all. Thank you for the reccommendations. This is a breath of fresh air to speak with people who can relate and not just offer advise based on thought and ideals.
    A sense of guilt rushes over me when she's leaving and says she has to get back to the shelter by curfew. But then I mentally talk to myself to not give in to the guilt. My daughter is exactly where she wants to be. I say this because her dad has a house in Atlanta and her bedroom is big enough for her and the baby. Like me her dad refuses to take her in but will temporarily care for the baby until she gets on her feet. But that's not what she wants. She moves from shelter to shelter because they hold you for 10 days then you reapply again. Sometimes she gets lucky and gets to stay another 10 days. She was given a voucher to get an apartment, $1200, but NYC is hard to get an apartment with a voucher & for that price.
    She knows she needs help; been cutting herself since JHS. I will share the information with her. Hopefully something good comes out of this.
    I'm helping from afar with information and leads.
    Thanks again
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Something I've learned along the way is to refrain from action in the moment. Give yourself a pause. When we are in a pattern of guilt and are confronted with manipulation, our first reaction is often to enable. If we wait, our brains calm down and we can respond instead of reacting. For example, if your daughter calls, tell her you will call her back. Don't allow yourself to be put in the position of having to justify your choices or defend your position. The truth is you've done enough. You've done more than enough. But our kids will play on our sense of parental guilt, it's a pattern that we will have to break in order for any change to happen.

    I believe that is appropriate.

    Take care of yourself Precious. Love, accept and honor yourself.
     
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us here.

    Your daughter is being extremely selfish. First, willingly having a child that she cannot take care of and then expecting you to take care of both of them.
    I know how hard it is when there is a child involved but sometimes we have to separate ourselves from all of it.
    From what you have shared your daughter sounds very bright. Just as my son is very bright he, like your daughter do not practice common sense. In their warped view of reality it's easier for them to blame someone else for the poor choices they have made.

    While I'm sure she loves her daughter, to say she's not neglected is a stretch in my opinion. I know there are many people with children who are in shelters and my heart goes to them. I do not know all the circumstances that have led to them being where they are, however, when someone is offered help and they refuse because they don't want to have to adhere to "rules" they don't like, I have to question whether they are really motivated to make their lives better.

    To me, this is pure manipulation and she is using an innocent child as a pawn. If she truly had her child's best interest at heart she would be willing to take the help and follow all the rules that go along with staying in your home.

    I know it's hard but the best thing you can do for your daughter is nothing. You have offered her help but again, she doesn't want it unless it's on her terms. She made an adult decision by having a child and yet she expects you to "fix" everything for her.
    There is a very fine line between helping and enabling. Helping is when the other person is actively working and putting forth the effort to make their life better. Enabling is when you do for the other person that which they should be and can be doing for themselves.
    We can do more harm by enabling our adult difficult children. It is through life's struggles that we learn and grown.

    You need to take care of yourself and that means you put yourself first.

    ((HUGS)) to you.........................
     
  12. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Thank you all for your honesty. I've been getting apartment leads and emailing them to her. The rest is on her.
    Thank you is a general understatement of how much better you all have me feel about not taking anymore of my daughter's emotional abuse.
    I have put a lot of distance between us because I am weak especially when she says things she knows I would take to heart. The guilt is slowly dissipating.
    Thanks a million.
     
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  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

    I think you are doing great!!

    I do hope you are taking some time just for YOU. Do something you enjoy or try something new. It's so important to take time for ourselves. :)
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks for the reminder about FOG! I have leaned so much in such a short period, I need to keep going back and keeping the knowledge fresh.
     
  15. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    I enjoy crocheting and watching TV shows like Law and Order, and Criminal Minds. There are some activities I'd like to do; I have a bucket list. Summer 2018 I'll attempt to scratch some off. Everything costs money these days and I really have to get my finances in order. The PT job I started last year is picking up now that school is back in session so I'll be pretty busy with that.
     
  16. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    I've never ever lived alone so I really enjoy my alone time. If I get lonely (rarely) and in my head too much (often) I pick up my crochet hook, turn the tv on and surf the internet. Then I'm ok.
     
  17. Precious2k1

    Precious2k1 New Member

    Good morning.
    What are grounds for taking my daughter to court for custody of my grandbaby?
    She was denied housing by housing. Has been going through this since she got here a year ago. I'm concerned for my grandbaby's wellbeing because there is no stability and she's one year old now. Last night my daughter had to move her stuff out of the shelter. She moved everything to my mom. They had a disagreement and at 3:00am my daughter takes the bey out of the house. We don't know where she is right now. And according to mom, my daughter is mailing marijuana heavily. Since last week my daughter had been talking murder suicide because she can't get a place to live no matter how hard she tries.
    This whole situation is emotionally draining. But I stay close to the madness because of my grandbaby.
    You know, after my son was born I wanted nothing more than my mother's support. I needed her to watch him while I work and go to college. My purpose was to obtain a good job so I could get us a house. But instead every penny went Beach to my mother for rent, light, gas, telephone, and babysitting . She charged me for everything that I had nothing left to save and use to change the direction of our family. I left home because my mom would negate my scolding of my son. I felt I needed to leave to gain control over my situation and earn my sons respect before it became too late. What wanted from my mom and didn't get I want to be for my daughter. I e experts see this to her but she won't comply because she has her own reckless agenda. She'd rather bounce from place to place with my grandbaby.
    I don't get it because I didn't raise her in volatile insecure environment. Her behavior I would expect from a child raised in a household where drugs is prevalent... like Precious in the book PUSH. But Precious in all her craziness called life strived for a better life for herself and her baby.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Precious, i am beginning to see that providing them with good homes has little to nothing to do with addiction. They have a stronger force in DNA and peers outweigh us starting in the teen years. Even pre teen. If we were very young, say, and had a child with a boy who has addiction in the family....that boy makes up 50% of our childs DNA. If Uncle Joe in our family was an alcoholic, our kid may have picked up some of that DNA.

    As most adoptive parents find out, we can love them to death and raise them in our hearts, but DNA still matters. A lot. They are likely to become like their birthparents, either a little or a lot.

    I think ALL the parents here did a good job; laid a loving foundation. But love alone does not shape our kids. That is why we can have three kids who are all very different. They have their own paths and in the end it is truly THEIR path. Not ours. Not due to upbringing. That is what puzzles us so much. One plus one does not equal two regarding people.
     
  19. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You should start documenting everything she says and does in a spiral notebook, with pictures and video. If she talks murder suicide, call 911. If you see drug use around the baby, call 911. Get CPS involved. If you're serious about guardianship, talk to an attorney in your area. In California, it is very tough to gain guardianship - you'll need documentation of how the baby is in danger with the mother. If CPS takes the baby away from her, they might ask you if you want to care for it.
     
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with DoneDad, document everything. Here in CA. there are organizations which assist grandparents trying to get guardianship because grandparents raising grandkids is epidemic. Google that in your area. It may be prudent to call CPS now in light of the drug use and threats of murder/suicide.

    I raised my granddaughter and ultimately received temporary then permanent guardianship. I was told by an attorney to clearly state the emotional trauma the child is going thru, she told me that judges are people and respond to the emotional aspect of a child in danger. The danger part could conceivably grant you temporary guardianship because at least here in CA. that is what temporary guardianship is all about, danger to the child. A child that young should not be dragged around in the night with an unstable, drugged mother threatening murder/suicide. It may be time for you to get the authorities involved to help the baby.

    If you look on your county court website under guardianship, it will likely provide the info you're seeking. Also look for help for grandparents seeking guardianship in your county. There is a lot of paperwork involved, so if you can afford an attorney, that would be excellent. If you can't, you'll have to do the paperwork yourself, but do inquire about organizations that help with that paperwork for grandparents. The first thing that needs to happen is that you file for temporary guardianship because the child is in danger. Then there is a court date where you and your daughter will attend court in front of a judge. Before that date, you probably should get CPS involved so there is a record of the danger. You must get all your ducks in order.....document!

    I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know how heartbreaking it is.....it would seem at this point, that the child is the one who needs to get the proper care.