22yo Bipolar Son about to be homeless...again

Csmom

New Member
Hello,

I have been following along for a long time. I can’t tell you all how your stories and wisdom have helped me. I believe it is time for me to open up and share. I have a 22 year old son that has been diagnosed with ADHD (at age 7) and Bipolar 1(at age 15). He has a low average IQ. He has been to rehab twice for heavy pot use. The first time he was trying to get away from people in town that were after him. He was never really serious about recovery. He was kicked out after 4 months after they discovered him and some other guys were getting high on K2. The second time he was in rehab was because he was arrested for driving on a suspended license and a felony charge of marijuana. He was released on bond to go to a rehab. He lasted there about 3 and a half months. He was kicked out after leaving the program and smoking pot. We kicked him out at the age of 18 because of the pot use and extreme anger. He has previously lived in his car and brief periods of being homeless but able to find couches to sleep on. My son has totaled 3 cars. I have really struggled with helping/enabling him. He has not kept a job for more than 5 weeks. I struggle with knowing what he is capable of versus what he refuses to do. I tried to get a neuropsychological exam on him a couple of years ago but they would not test him unless he passed a drug test. That wasn’t going to happen. He is currently staying at a friends apartment but the friend got an eviction notice and has to be out of the apartment February 1st. My son is not working. Of course now he is stressing out about where he is going to go. He is also on probation and has not contacted the probation officer since he was kicked out of rehab and came back to the state where we live. I know with him not working, refusing to call probation officer and getting kicked out of rehab I should not financially help him. It is just so hard to see him struggle so much with life. Sorry so long...trying to keep it brief but so much as happened!
 

stillhopeful

New Member
HiCsMom

Welcome. I too am new to posting on the forum, but I am not new to the problems you so clearly describe. It sounds like you are doing a great job of maintaining boundaries and not allowing your son back to live with you. The problems you describe may well take care of themselves when the probation officer discovers that your son left the rehab center and did not report it or his current address. When a very similar thing happened with my son he got 30 days in jail for probation violation. That was his first time in jail and I have to admit it was the calmest, best 30 days for me. Have no doubt, if he has been out of your home for four years, he is quite good at finding a place to stay. These kids use social media to play on the hearts of friends/strangers and there seems to always be someone else that will give them shelter and food. Most likely you will be worrying about him but I can assure you that he will not be worrying about you! You don't mention if there is a homeless shelter near you or if the weather is cold where you are. If you can find the strength, then stay strong and know that any financial help you provide will most likely go for pot. He has a friend, they will most likely be together and find some temporary place to stay until his probation officer finds him. That fact that he is only 22 bodes well in that he is still very young and likely will "grow up." But that is more likely to happen if you are able to stand back and let natural consequences unfold for him.

I truly know how incredibly difficult this is. If you believe in a higher power, try to release him to that power, knowing that really there is no way you can protect him from himself. I hope you can find some comfort and peace.
 

overcome mom

Active Member
My son is ALOT like yours (see previous posts).I know exactly what you feel like, are they really so mentally ill that they will never be able to take care of themselves ? I tell myself that there many people with ADHD and bi polar that don't live like my son. I then wonder if he has just has a more severe case than others. Regardless of all this he doesn't want help and no one can force him, not me or the law.
My son is in the same position that your son is but has a lot of legal challenges hanging over him. I give him money on occasion but feel at this point I think he is just using most of it for drugs.
Once your son's probation officer catches up with him he may very well have his probation revoked. If that happens you will not have much to say about what will happen to him. I don't know what he has hanging over his head with regards to his probation. I know it is so hard to see your child homeless. He has found places to live up to this point my bet is he will again.
 

Csmom

New Member
Thank you stillhopeful and overcome mom. My son is currently about 100 miles from us. It is a city, so at least there are a lot more resources there than there is in our small town. It does get pretty cold in the winter. I know he gets overwhelmed with the challenges he faces. Challenges that have a lot to do with his very poor choices. He obviously doesn’t have a car. He is limited where he can get a job because he refuses to use public transportation. He has refused in the past to go to a shelter. He is a very angry person a lot of the time. But he just doesn’t take accountability for his actions. When I try to tell him he is in the situation he is in because of his poor choices, he always has an excuse for why it is someone else’s fault. He is waiting for pot to become legal in our state. He also has it in his mind that he will become a very famous boxer. All his troubles will be over then. Sigh. It is so sad and very frustrating.
 

Csmom

New Member
I called my son today. It makes me so mad and at the same time so sad. He wants to start blaming me and my husband for his problems. Ugh?!? I feel so bad for him at the same time I’m so mad. We have spent thousands of dollars getting him into rehab, buying very used cars and a cheap apartment for a year and a half. He is now mad that I wouldn’t help him “one more time”. He is so mad at me because now he will be homeless. I told him I didn’t make the choices to get himself kicked out of rehab. His reply is that it is just pot! “ it’s not like it is meth or heroin” he always wants to blame someone else. Why can’t I just let it be? I find myself looking for apartments to then tell myself “Stop!” He hasn’t even called his probation officer to tell him he is back in the state. I yelled at him today. I’m not proud. I’m ashamed. I just get so aggravated that he can’t see his responsibility in his problems. I have a 15 year old son that is such a joy. I can usually fake how my day has been but he is very observant. Thank goodness for such a bright light in my life. Thank you all for letting me vent.
 

Csmom

New Member
We went to the city where my son is staying and stopped by to give him his social security card. He has supposedly gotten a job with a friend at FedEx. But it will only be for about 2-4 hours a day. He came out to the car and the smell of pot hit us in face. He gets so angry if we bring up his pot use. He will still be homeless next week. He expects me to figure it out for him. I keep telling him that I don’t know what he is going to do. He will not have a pay stub to show for an apartment application. Plus his record may keep him from getting an apartment. But he just doesn’t see it. He has very poor insight. I just can’t seem to get thru to him. I am going to have to take his 2 cats to an animal shelter. He will not take that well at all but I don’t know what else to do with them. I have tried to find a foster home for them. I feel so bad about not having any advice to give. We have tried everything with him. He just makes me so sad. This week will be very hard for him and for me.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Hi Csmom and welcome. My son is a lot like yours. He has some of the same problems and similar ways of thinking. Sigh.

If our sons wanted a place to live they could live at a sober living home. I think room and board is about $400 where I live. Your son is making all kinds of choices. Choices have consequences. Parents should not have to pay the consequences. They accrue to our sons. A job at Fed-ex for 2 to 4 hours a day sounds like a great start. If your son found that place to stay where he has to leave in a few days, he can find another place. Or go to a sober living house.

Life is that simple. If we do this, this can happen. If we don't, it yields another result. Cause and effect. Your son doesn't want to accept this. Nor does my own son.

What this means is we have to watch them suffer. I do feel bad about the cats. I feel sad your son is not motivated to protect them. And I feel sad that he will have to suffer when you bring them to the shelter. But it's not your consequence to handle them. It's your son's. I hope you are able to speak to him before you surrender them to the shelter. He needs to know directly and upfront what will happen, I believe. I am so sorry.

He will not likely need a paystub if he rents a room in an apartment with other people. There is also airbnb. But he needs a way to pay for that. Often airbnb is much cheaper if rented for a month. But I don't know how he can pay for a month's rent on 2 hours of work a day. But renting a room or sharing a room in a house, he could probably do. Here where I live it could be $200 a month or less. That would be doable.

When my son was at the homeless shelter he said that many of the people there were working people or students, even graduate students. When people are motivated, they do what they have to do. Sadly, my son is motivated only to smoke marijuana. We used to stay at a hostel in San Francisco when we were visiting. I remember that working people lived there who could not afford apartments. There are also weekly motels that are cheap. I don't think it's wrong to go over these options with our sons. But it's wrong for them to make us responsible or to yell at us with frustration because we don't take care of them.
 

Csmom

New Member
Thank you Copabanana. I have been finding out about homeless resources to have on hand when he is desperately calling me to help him. We paid for an apartment for a year and a half and he didn’t seem to do any better. So I know not to fall back into that guilt trap. It is time for him to figure it out. I just worry that maybe he isn’t capable of much more. I know that sounds terrible. But he won’t seem to help himself. He just wants to blame everyone else for his problems. I know I have to stay strong.
i feel awful about the cats. I would take them but my husband is allergic and I have a Boston Terrier that hates cats!! But the shelter seems to work hard on finding homes and helping pet owners keep their animals if they can.
Thank you for replying to me. It means so much just to hear that i am not alone with my struggles.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Hi Csmom, I just wanted to pop in and say hi.

It's so hard parenting kids like ours. I want you to know that sometimes doing nothing is the most loving thing you can do. I really struggled to step back from my son's life and was continually trying to 'save' him. When I'd finally had enough and got out of his way, things improved. I hope this is the case for you too.
 
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