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23 year old brother violent, rants and still lives at home
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661504" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Wearybuthopeful, how old are you? Are there other children in the household? I have to answer quickly but I will check back later.</p><p></p><p>This is how I understand your problem: You feel that your mother has not heard your distress, She is not taking into account sufficiently your needs. She is overwhelmed by the needs of your brother and as if paralyzed by her fears for him.</p><p></p><p>You are telling us, parents in similar situations, with the hope that we might know by virtue of our experiences, what to do. And you asking us for ideas.</p><p></p><p>These are my initial thoughts.This is your parents decision to make and their responsibility. Unfortunately by choosing to protect your brother,you suffer. Your parents it seems have a great deal of confidence in you, your opinion, your resilience. They trust you it seems. But still, your needs are as important or more, than those of your brother. After all, he is an adult, whether he behaves as such or not.</p><p>That is true. But the thing is this: It is very hard for mothers to let go of their children even if they are adults, if they are suffering and at risk. I think it is a biological impulse that keeps mothers attached to their children as long as they need them, adults or not.</p><p></p><p>It is a learning process, which is very hard, that enables them to do so. Is it possible that your mother would consider visiting this forum?</p><p></p><p>Parents from all over the world participate. We learn from each other. And we learn how to cope with and to respond to situations such as you have described about your family.</p><p>Again, you are right. It is different being a mother from being a sibling.</p><p></p><p>Your parents will have to come to this themselves. You are correct, I think, to let them know how this is affecting you. They need to factor in your feelings, your welfare, too.</p><p></p><p>The thing is we as parents become overwhelmed by the needs of the dysfunctional child, and overlook the needs of the normal and functioning one. This is wrong. But it happens.</p><p></p><p>I participated in a research study about siblings of chronically ill and dying children. They too felt they had been scarred by their parents' over-attention to their ill and dying siblings.</p><p></p><p>I think the first thing is to speak again to your parents, without going outside of the family. I do not know how old you are, or if culturally your family would consider psychotherapy for you or for the family as a unit. This would be a decision of your parents.</p><p></p><p>If you were an adult I would suggest psychotherapy or family therapy. So that you could voice your feelings and thoughts and get support. I could suggest a counselor at school to whom you could speak or a pastor of your faith. But this could be problematic. This is a family matter. Your parents could view it as a betrayal if you speak to other people, even extended family members.</p><p></p><p>To be honest, I would have the expectation that my child speak directly to me. First.</p><p></p><p>You have a lot on your plate and none of it is your responsibility. It was good thinking of you to post here, I think.</p><p>This is true. And it matters.</p><p></p><p>I wish your Mother could hear this or read this. How much you are suffering. Your needs and feelings matter.</p><p></p><p>It is just that I understand your mother's feelings, fears and needs too.And your father's. That still does not take away their responsibility to you. Your Mother needs help. But from others. Not you. This is not your responsibility to take. Or your problem to solve.</p><p>It is not your responsibility to give your mother strength. You cannot influence her to take action. That would not be fair to you. You do not deserve to have one piece of responsibility in this. Or to have the consequences on your shoulders of what may happen.</p><p></p><p>My first step would be to consider talking to your father and tell him what you have told us. Perhaps he will think it makes sense for all of you to sit down together and go from there. Or perhaps he will consider getting help from others.</p><p></p><p>I will check back with you later. Other people will respond. Each will have ideas. You can evaluate them all. And make a plan.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661504, member: 18958"] Hi Wearybuthopeful, how old are you? Are there other children in the household? I have to answer quickly but I will check back later. This is how I understand your problem: You feel that your mother has not heard your distress, She is not taking into account sufficiently your needs. She is overwhelmed by the needs of your brother and as if paralyzed by her fears for him. You are telling us, parents in similar situations, with the hope that we might know by virtue of our experiences, what to do. And you asking us for ideas. These are my initial thoughts.This is your parents decision to make and their responsibility. Unfortunately by choosing to protect your brother,you suffer. Your parents it seems have a great deal of confidence in you, your opinion, your resilience. They trust you it seems. But still, your needs are as important or more, than those of your brother. After all, he is an adult, whether he behaves as such or not. That is true. But the thing is this: It is very hard for mothers to let go of their children even if they are adults, if they are suffering and at risk. I think it is a biological impulse that keeps mothers attached to their children as long as they need them, adults or not. It is a learning process, which is very hard, that enables them to do so. Is it possible that your mother would consider visiting this forum? Parents from all over the world participate. We learn from each other. And we learn how to cope with and to respond to situations such as you have described about your family. Again, you are right. It is different being a mother from being a sibling. Your parents will have to come to this themselves. You are correct, I think, to let them know how this is affecting you. They need to factor in your feelings, your welfare, too. The thing is we as parents become overwhelmed by the needs of the dysfunctional child, and overlook the needs of the normal and functioning one. This is wrong. But it happens. I participated in a research study about siblings of chronically ill and dying children. They too felt they had been scarred by their parents' over-attention to their ill and dying siblings. I think the first thing is to speak again to your parents, without going outside of the family. I do not know how old you are, or if culturally your family would consider psychotherapy for you or for the family as a unit. This would be a decision of your parents. If you were an adult I would suggest psychotherapy or family therapy. So that you could voice your feelings and thoughts and get support. I could suggest a counselor at school to whom you could speak or a pastor of your faith. But this could be problematic. This is a family matter. Your parents could view it as a betrayal if you speak to other people, even extended family members. To be honest, I would have the expectation that my child speak directly to me. First. You have a lot on your plate and none of it is your responsibility. It was good thinking of you to post here, I think. This is true. And it matters. I wish your Mother could hear this or read this. How much you are suffering. Your needs and feelings matter. It is just that I understand your mother's feelings, fears and needs too.And your father's. That still does not take away their responsibility to you. Your Mother needs help. But from others. Not you. This is not your responsibility to take. Or your problem to solve. It is not your responsibility to give your mother strength. You cannot influence her to take action. That would not be fair to you. You do not deserve to have one piece of responsibility in this. Or to have the consequences on your shoulders of what may happen. My first step would be to consider talking to your father and tell him what you have told us. Perhaps he will think it makes sense for all of you to sit down together and go from there. Or perhaps he will consider getting help from others. I will check back with you later. Other people will respond. Each will have ideas. You can evaluate them all. And make a plan. [/QUOTE]
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