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23 year old son returning to college--very anxious
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 697490" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I really think that this is core to managing our relationship with our Difficult Child's. They aren't any better for our help, we all seem to get that. What we don't get is that the corollary is that they don't seem to get much worse with out it. It is hard to wrap our mind around..we feel like we are saving them from sure disaster whenever we step in..that is WHY we step in even though we don't want to or know we shouldn't or everyone is telling us to stop...but we fear their disaster. And sometimes they TELL us they will have a disaster if we don't step in...but usually, as we see over and over on this forum, that doesn't happen. Sometimes they even make up disasters to make us feel guilty (i was mugged, robbed, I'm sick but can't get to the hospital, ripped off, thrown out with no money no clothes, etc etc) and yet...somehow, the next day they are on social media with a bong, or they drop off the radar and reappear in another state on another couch with new "best friends." </p><p></p><p>I digress.</p><p></p><p>I had an instructive moment with one of my neurotypical kids. He is a nice kid, underachiever, very social, somewhat school averse. We dragged his ass through "sure disaster" in high school over and over, with multiple tutors and coaches, and ramping it up around exams, and somehow ending up his senior year with hours of tutoring and coaching each week. Happened so slowly we never noticed, although I did notice when I paid bills. We thought he should take a gap year...but no, he wanted to be like all his friends and go straight to college. So spring semester his senior year I said...no more tutors. This is a trial run. No judgment...if you can't keep a certain gpa, or there are significant missed deadlines for projects, or undone homework, or ANY failed exams, you are not ready for college. And guess what? It isn't a Cinderella story...he didn't become captain A+ responsibility. He did exactly the same as he did when he had all that support. He got it done. I think he felt a bit better about himself, and he didn't waste energy resisting authority and hiding things because authority (me, and the tutors) had stopped telling him what to do. It is not a lot different with our Difficult Child's. They are all growing up, separating from us. The more we push and tell them what to do the more they get to focus their energy on resisting us, and it becomes a danse macabre. If we stop pushing...they will do what they do. And we can use our talents and energies to better avail, whatever that may be.</p><p></p><p>My morning thoughts over coffee.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 697490, member: 17269"] I really think that this is core to managing our relationship with our Difficult Child's. They aren't any better for our help, we all seem to get that. What we don't get is that the corollary is that they don't seem to get much worse with out it. It is hard to wrap our mind around..we feel like we are saving them from sure disaster whenever we step in..that is WHY we step in even though we don't want to or know we shouldn't or everyone is telling us to stop...but we fear their disaster. And sometimes they TELL us they will have a disaster if we don't step in...but usually, as we see over and over on this forum, that doesn't happen. Sometimes they even make up disasters to make us feel guilty (i was mugged, robbed, I'm sick but can't get to the hospital, ripped off, thrown out with no money no clothes, etc etc) and yet...somehow, the next day they are on social media with a bong, or they drop off the radar and reappear in another state on another couch with new "best friends." I digress. I had an instructive moment with one of my neurotypical kids. He is a nice kid, underachiever, very social, somewhat school averse. We dragged his ass through "sure disaster" in high school over and over, with multiple tutors and coaches, and ramping it up around exams, and somehow ending up his senior year with hours of tutoring and coaching each week. Happened so slowly we never noticed, although I did notice when I paid bills. We thought he should take a gap year...but no, he wanted to be like all his friends and go straight to college. So spring semester his senior year I said...no more tutors. This is a trial run. No judgment...if you can't keep a certain gpa, or there are significant missed deadlines for projects, or undone homework, or ANY failed exams, you are not ready for college. And guess what? It isn't a Cinderella story...he didn't become captain A+ responsibility. He did exactly the same as he did when he had all that support. He got it done. I think he felt a bit better about himself, and he didn't waste energy resisting authority and hiding things because authority (me, and the tutors) had stopped telling him what to do. It is not a lot different with our Difficult Child's. They are all growing up, separating from us. The more we push and tell them what to do the more they get to focus their energy on resisting us, and it becomes a danse macabre. If we stop pushing...they will do what they do. And we can use our talents and energies to better avail, whatever that may be. My morning thoughts over coffee. Echo [/QUOTE]
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23 year old son returning to college--very anxious
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