24 HOURS

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
In 24 hours I will pick my son up at the TJJD. To say that I am less than excited would be an understatement.

He is expecting a joyous homecoming with a ticker tape parade. That is not going to happen.

I believe that people can change. He has not.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I wish you the best. Please take time today to do things for YOU and for those you live with who actually do what is expected of them, be they children, furbabies, or pixies.

Then do what you feel is appropriate for son tomorrow, and a parade and Disney fun just isnt, not after he put you through the Hades of his trip to juvie and the horrors of probation.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
I hope you are surprised. Yet I know you know your son best.

When will he turn 18?

Hugs and hoping he is at least calm, if not clean and sober. Wishing you peace and sending my best wishes.
 

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
I know that feeling all to well. I remember each time I would pick my son up from either a juvenile detention facility, jail, or prison, that feeling of apprehension that would envelope me. I don't remember who on this site coined the phrase "the fog" but that is exactly what it was like for me, being in a thick fog.

Know that you are not going alone, while we on this site may not be there with you physically, we are surrounding you with our combined strength. Remember to just breathe, take those slow deep breaths.
Remember you are in control not him. You set the pace and the rules.

You will get through this!!

Let us know how it goes.

:group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug:
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
Thank you. My ptsd is at an all time high. I am having nightmares, and I am catastrophizing every aspect of him being home. I intellectually know what I am doing, but I am having difficulty stopping the flow of horrible, no good, awful, terrifying thoughts.

Please know that I gain strength and resolve from the warrior parents, past and present, on this board. Lil, SWOT, Echo, SS, Cobani, Bunny, jabber, and so many others, I thank you for every word and for sharing what is a painful journey for a parent to navigate.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Pas, I so remember my chest and stomach filled with dread when he would get out of Jail. What now? When he was in jail, it was better for me. Pas you can only do what you can do and no more. Try to take it one minute, one hour at a time and move forward, taking it as it comes. Life on life's terms. We are here with you.
 

dstc_99

Well-Known Member
Pas,
Breath deep and then make sure from day one that you set the bar and the expectations. Don't let him push you or give him extra treats just because you are trying to be lenient with him after his stay in juvie. Remember you give an inch and they take a mile.

I'll be thinking about you.
 

Scent of Cedar *

Well-Known Member
I am reading along too, pasa.

Holding you all in my thoughts and prayers. Whatever his attitude and however he covers it up, your son is probably as afraid as you are.

It helps me to remember: I have time. Even when it seems like I don't, I do. Before each response, before the feelings inside where no one can see or know become overwhelming, you can choose to have time, pasa. Just a moment, just a split second; just that space between breaths.

There have been whole weeks that I lived in split-second increments. I could keep myself in one intact piece in those split seconds. Two split-seconds could be a time to relax and take strength.

When I could remember to do it, or when I was desperate enough to do it, I would look up at the stars. That would help center me.

It gets to be about living in the moment, moment to moment. Somehow, we find the strength to stay present.

***

It is okay not to know.

That is so helpful to me, too. I don't know. I don't know how to do this or what is coming next and that is okay. I can sit with "I don't know." For a split second or even, two split seconds, I can do that, and center myself somehow in knowing that I don't have to know.

I am angry for you that you were not given adequate time to prepare.

He is afraid too, pasa. He probably didn't know, either.

Cedar
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Just remain calm as much as possible. You can't control what they do, only what you do.
PASA. what Jabber says is everything. Well, almost.

This is how I see it:

He will behave however he wants. His expectations are his. His moods are his.
You will respond. A response is a reasoned, deliberate choice.

Or you will react. A reaction is an out of control, spontaneous event, kind of like an explosion in chemistry.

Responses are guided by thought. Reactions are guided by emotion.

The most toxic emotions when I interact with my son are guilt, fear and anger.

My son is a master manipulator. He plays on all of these emotions by confusing me, making himself the victim, criticizing, and withholding. He plays me like a fiddle. From now on I plan to not talk that much, restrict myself to the responses: NO, SO, OH, and maybe Hello. Because that is all that I can do, safely.

This is what will make the difference between responding and reacting:
Remember you are in control not him. You set the pace and the rules.
You are the decider. You are the law. You are the expert in all things over you and your house.
 
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pasajes4

Well-Known Member
This is what truly bothers me the most. June 5th I received a call from his case manager letting me know that he went ape $#!% crazy in her office, destroyed property, cursed her out, fought with 2 guards, called code and it took 4 really large grown men to wrestle him to the ground and haul him to security. She said that pretty much meant he would not be leaving until the day before his 19th birthday. Hmm I guess his little 'I'll show them worked."
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
I have contacted the powers that be. His activity there has no bearing on their response. He is protected by his juvenile status until he is released to me and does something to me or my property. I have no problem calling the authorities on him and have frequently. He is a property damager and puffer upper.
 
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