24 Hours

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi al;

    First of all I am sorry that I am taking more than I can contribute to the fprim. But in good old addiction recovery terms for all of us it is what it is.

    I’d like to say that I’m on cloud nine and ecstatic but three detoxes into rehab then my son is about to head off to his long-term inpatient rehab for a minimum of six months and I’m a total mess.

    My husband is carrying on like life is life and everything is grand he keeps to his gym schedule and his work schedule and I’m running around picking up the pieces I ask him to help out with something that’s focussed on anything but his job that is to drive her son to his rehab tomorrow and he can’t possibly find the time to help

    Venting angry sad frustrated scared. Just putting this all down in hopes of getting it out of my own head.
     
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    LBL, this is hard on everyone. Men handle things so differently. Hubs buried himself with work or tv and didn’t want to even talk much at all about what was going on with our two.
    I found this forum and let it all out.
    Don’t apologize for sharing your feelings. No one would expect you to do otherwise under the circumstances.
    So much has happened and you have been waiting for this moment. That’s a lot of stress and anxiety if you ask me, a lot of faith and hope that your son will take this opportunity to get his head back on and follow a healthy path.
    Who knows why your husband “can’t find the time” to drive your son? Who knows why men can carry on as if all is normal? I see it as everyone has their own way of processing, women can lament and vent til the cows come home and guys just seem to stuff it down with work or keeping busy. It’s in there. I don’t think it’s not that they don’t feel it. I think it’s that they feel it too much. What man would say “Honey, I just can’t bring myself to take my son there?” For whatever reason. No guy I know.
    My hubs was an old fashioned, non talker, get the job done, kind of guy. Underneath all of that bravado was a very soft heart. He covered it up with external toughness.
    The movies always portray these relationships where couples have heartfelt, deep discussions. Huh. That never happened in 36 years. We were so busy making a living, raising kids. Hubs was not much of a talker.
    I would have to sense things, look for clues, Jedi mind read what was going on with hubs. He was a doer. Most men I know are. The tougher things got, the busier he got.
    Forgive me if I am wrong. Perhaps your husband deep down inside is just as emotionally drained as you are. He just doesn’t, or can’t show it.
    Most guys my age were raised to be tough and suck it up. That’s a lot of ignoring and stuffing down feelings.
    I know you must be exhausted, full of anticipation and hope and scared at the same time. I would imagine your husband feels the same. Guys don’t like to be vulnerable. Maybe dropping your son off at rehab is more than he can bear. Maybe he will change his mind and go with you.
    I am praying for peace of mind and heart for both of you and hope that E goes willingly and grabs on to this chance to be free from the drug demon.
    Warm hugs to you.
    Leafy
     
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  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I've been there too, LBL. So many times I wanted to bonk my dear soulmate over the head for seemingly not caring enough or showing that he cared enough. I am sure Hubs wanted to bonk me over the head many times for what he considered being overly invested or talk-talk-talking things half to death.

    I went alone to counseling the first two times about son. Hubs would say he didn't see the point, but he'd always ask about the sessions when I got home. He says now that he saw the point; he just wasn't ready to honestly address what was happening...and he didn't want more talk-talk-talking!

    I would resent that I "had" to go by myself, but I never really spoke up for myself or told Hubs I thought *WE BOTH* needed to do this. The third time I finally spoke up for myself, and it made a big difference in helping us get on the same page, both in how we communicate with each other and how we interact with our son.

    I see your point about driving son to rehab. This is a big day. Will Hubs change his plans if you explain how important this is, to son and to you?
     
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((HUGS)))))


    Of COURSE you are posting more than replying right now!!! Why would we expect anything else of you?!?!!! This is a HUGE time in your life and your husband's life and your child's life! It is emotionally grueling and draining and awful! There won't be much space for other people's problems for a while, and that is perfectly normal and acceptable. We understand this. We WANT you to focus on you for as long as you need to during this time.

    Please remember that this is one of the most stressful things that a parent can go through. You have to remind yourself that you are allowed to grieve for what won't be, for what is lost. You have to learn to let go, to detach. You have to deal with so many unnatural things, like all the ugliness and manipulation. Just getting a child to rehab is a major undertaking, about the equivalent of moving across the country, or so it seems sometimes. So don't be hard on yourself and don't expect to just jump back in and start taking on other people's problems. Give yourself some time to rebuild yourself.

    As for your husband, I don't know what is up with that. I know my dad did it to my mom also. He went to work and kept up his routines and left the hard stuff to her. She never told him how hard it was to deal with the court and the jail and all of that until she had a breakdown. Your husband cannot read your mind. If he says he doesn't have time, and you say, "Oh, okay." then he thinks it is okay. You have to tell him that you need his support if you need it. He may be desperate to keep his work from finding out. Or he may be having problems at work from time off over this. I don't know. But I do know that if you don't tell him what you need, he won't know and he won't have a chance of meeting those needs.

    I hope and pray all goes well tomorrow!
     
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am not as eloquent as the wonderful ladies before me but i will pray that all goes well tomorrow. When he is safely in the program tomorrow take a deep breath relax and do something you want to do. My husband is the same so i can relate.
     
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My husband too handled our problem with our son much differently than I did.

    Sometimes I'd want to talk about it with him and he'd say "can we PLEASE not talk about that right now". Huh?? I needed to talk to him about it. But in reality I kept saying the same stuff over and over.

    He didn't want to go to therapy with me but he said "let me know what she says and I'll do whatever we need to do. I'll back you up".

    To this day I feel that I am waaaaay more traumatized by our son's actions (out to destroy himself) than he was but in reality I think he just handled it differently.

    You guys are doing a great job LBL. This is probably the hardest thing you'll ever deal with. Let's hope so shall we.
     
  7. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    My husband started seeing his own therapist

    It’s helping.

    It seems that re family and with me, my H was heavily invested in his roles and defenses.

    Therapy gives him a place to practice being different — more vulnerable.

    It’s their kid too.
     
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