25 yr old son living at home, lies, steals, sneaks and cant keep a job

[tbod]

This is an older thread. You may want to start your own, a brand new one, if you want responses.

I do have to say im shocked at your assessment of your son and a that he is an "idiot" or "a loser." No matter how hard things get, we still love our kids. Or the parents on this board do.

And mental health is not a farce. I understand your frustration, but you really dont seem to have any soft spot at all your own child. He is 19 and should not be written off at his young age. Lots of time for him to change and grow up. Its not his fault if he cant read others. He could on the autism spectrum, which is often mistaken for the more gentle sounding ADHD. Doctors prefer to say ADHD because its not as alarming to the anxious parent. Either way, his deficits are NOT his fault. Did you ever take this poor kid for a complete evaluation, to a psychiatrist, did you fight for school interventions to help him succeed? Thats your job as a parent of a struggling minor child.

He does need to leave. He needs to get away from your negativity toward him. JMO

Thanks for your honest assessment of my note. I agree, I'm not dealing with his issues very well at all...but I'm at my wits end as well. I don't know what to do anymore. Yes, my wife and I have had him tested many many times. No acute diagnosis ever made. He's been on every medication, down the slippery slope of the education system, and several psychologists and psychologists as well. 11 Hospitalizations...had an IEP and labeled emotionally disturbed. Expelled from 9 schools. Lit my garage on fire twice. Arrested twice. Shot up my house with air rifles while high on pot...and we were both at work. I know based on what I wrote you probably think I'm terrible. I get it...and that's ok. I homeschooled him for 3 years since no school would take him. Eliminated himself out of every school in the county. Took him out of the Residential Treatment Center that the county sent him to...just so that we could get him off of the medications and start over. Your response isn't the first I've read and I'm sure you are convinced you're correct. That's ok. I pray about this every day. This is truly the world where no-one really gets it unless their in your shoes. I wasn't always like this...believe me!
Finally wrote up a 3 page contract with rules and curfews that he must abide by...or I remove him from the house permanently. That seems to be working for now. Working to get him enlisted in the military. At least there is a goal. Just need some prayers please. Oh, yes...i'll start a new thread. Good advice.

 

[tbod]

Wow, I sincerely hope I have not pushed my aunt or uncle this far... Your son is doing stupid , but that doesn't make him stupid. It sounds like he does have some legitimate psychiatric issues. Not saying that is an excuse for his behavior, but it is an explanation. And ALL addicts are conniving. It is the name of the game. It gets to the point where it is almost a subconscious thing. Like, I would begin manipulations and plans ahead of time, without any immediate intention to benefit from them. We just... Set up future manipulation. We are VERY good at it, too. So good, in fact, we are able to fool ourselves. Able to justify horrible things we do even though we know they are wrong. I can tell you that no addict is happy to be in their position. They don't particularly enjoy it. They didn't set out with the intention of becoming a liar, and a thief. It's progressive. We all set these little rules for ourselves. we are willing to do, and not willing to do. In time, however, it all goes out the window and there is very little we will not do to maintain ourselves. On the rare occasions an addict is sober (usually do to lack of drugs, not really choice), they despise themselves. They feel shame. Remorse. Disgust. Which merely provides ANOTHER reason to use. If it all sounds insane to you, that's probably because it is. Doing the same things over and over and over, despite knowing what the results will ultimately be. That isn't the behavior or thinking of a healthy mind.

I wont presume to know you, or your whole story, but I will hope your (entirely understandable) resentment wanes for you. If your son gets his together, or not. You still need to do you.

Thank you. I needed to hear that. It helps a little.

 

[tbod]

Thank you. I needed to hear that. It helps a little.

My wife is my rock on all of this. I'm a 24 year Navy Veteran whose been in 2 major world conflicts and seen things that no one should ever have to see. And, its my son that sends my BiPolar (BP) and heart rate sky rocketing every time I have to deal with him. Oh, yes...fired from his most recent job this past weekend for fighting a co-working in the parking lot. Really? If it wasn't for my wife, God bless her...I'd have given up long long ago. She is simply amazing.

 

[toughlovin]

Tbod.... Thanks for your honesty and being able to take the comments. I just want to say that at times I have felt exactly like you have about my son. I have used the words to myself "what an idiot" when he has done something incredibly stupid. I don't talk to him that way of course but there are times when I have thought it. So that is how I took your post... Just venting your frustration with the bad choices he has made... Because darn it is incredibly frustrating.

 

[tbod]

Toughlovin, thanks for your response to my note. Your note means a lot. Yes, you read me correctly. However, honestly, I have used the word idiot out loud with him and have slipped up numerous times like that in my anger and frustrations. I'm far from perfect...but getting a little better these recent days. But its tough. My son didn't come with a set of operating instructions..otherwise I would least understand his malfunctions...I Probably wasn't cut out to do this. But, I haven't left, given up, or put my hands on him, and I continue to hang in there (mostly due to how awesome my wife truly is in keeping us all glued together somehow) and provide for him and my wife. Yes, and I don't mind the comments. It all helps me in some way either to understand my son better or to better understand how difficult it is for others to understand each other's situations. Its all helpful. Prayed a lot today. And, I didn't smell any pot on him today at least. Woo hoo!

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Toughlovin, thanks for your response to my note. Your note means a lot. Yes, you read me correctly. However, honestly, I have used the word idiot out loud with him and have slipped up numerous times like that in my anger and frustrations. I'm far from perfect...but getting a little better these recent days. But its tough. My son didn't come with a set of operating instructions..otherwise I would least understand his malfunctions...I Probably wasn't cut out to do this. But, I haven't left, given up, or put my hands on him, and I continue to hang in there (mostly due to how awesome my wife truly is in keeping us all glued together somehow) and provide for him and my wife. Yes, and I don't mind the comments. It all helps me in some way either to understand my son better or to better understand how difficult it is for others to understand each other's situations. Its all helpful. Prayed a lot today. And, I didn't smell any pot on him today at least. Woo hoo!

Addicts aren't JUST their addictions. We are human. And we display the vast variety of emotions, fears, beliefs, etc. The addiction is a part of who we are, but not the only part. Unfortunately, the nature of the problem tends to bury everything else, leaving ONLY the addict visible. And as deep as it may be buried, the rest of us IS there. Even though we forget that ourselves. So easy to do monstrous things when you can convince yourself that you're just a monster, doing monster things. It's a technique we use to justify . Pretending it is somehow out of our control, and that we are merely doing what nature had in store for us. It's a huge load of , of course, but that kinda shows the absolute insanity of addiction. We have consciences. And they function in much the same way as your own. We do these mental acrobats that help us ignore the feelings of doing something we know to be wrong, and hurtful. It isn't personal. Not even really intentional. We aren't exactly in our right minds. We are not the picture of good mental and emotional health. Might want to keep that in mind when trying to comprehend the decisions your son is making.

 

[tbod]

Addicts aren't JUST their addictions. We are human. And we display the vast variety of emotions, fears, beliefs, etc. The addiction is a part of who we are, but not the only part. Unfortunately, the nature of the problem tends to bury everything else, leaving ONLY the addict visible. And as deep as it may be buried, the rest of us IS there. Even though we forget that ourselves. So easy to do monstrous things when you can convince yourself that you're just a monster, doing monster things. It's a technique we use to justify . Pretending it is somehow out of our control, and that we are merely doing what nature had in store for us. It's a huge load of , of course, but that kinda shows the absolute insanity of addiction. We have consciences. And they function in much the same way as your own. We do these mental acrobats that help us ignore the feelings of doing something we know to be wrong, and hurtful. It isn't personal. Not even really intentional. We aren't exactly in our right minds. We are not the picture of good mental and emotional health. Might want to keep that in mind when trying to comprehend the decisions your son is making.

I will take your advice. its valuable. Thanks for having the courage to comment on your situation. I have a little insight into why I believe he, in particular developed a serious addition to marijuana. Pls let me know if this is similar to the reasons you are facing your issues. That will help me try and "get it". First, I believe It quiets the storm that's almost always going on in his head. It seems to be tied to the underlying issues of anxiety and anger. When he's high, he has a hard time being angry and anxious and as a result...feels better. I get it. However, the down side to that is that when he already has impulsivity issues, poor decision making, lack of self control, and attention seeking behaviors, being high only makes those things even worse. Now, some if it may be immaturity...but some of it is a huge anxiety issue he's always had. He does a tremendous amount of "self talk" out loud (usually in his bedroom when he thinks I can't hear him). Almost sounds like he's on the phone or something..when actually he's created a scenario in his head...and he's acting out his part...and I read that to mean that is some kind of a self-soothing mechanism for him to play out the issues in his head ...but verbally. Sometimes its sounds violent...like he's addressing someone that is threatening to him. Also, he used to rock a lot in the passenger seat of the car too...and also did a lot of that just before going to sleep. So, it makes sense that he's found something that helps calm him. He sees a psychiatric at least once a week...and I have to trust that is working in some way. In a way, I'm glad his pot smoking makes him feel better and perhaps after he's grown and on his own..maybe there will be a place for that, but its still a crutch and will limit his ability to function properly in a world that has huge expectations of him. That's probably one of my biggest fears for him. I've placed many boundaries in my household that he has to function within...and he does ok for the most part...or at least tries...but I'm hoping he gets to a place where he will be able to parent himself...and hopefully will get there. Just want him to get to a place where he can meet enough of the worlds expectations to be able to function on his own. I know we all want that for our kids. But, its frightening when you sometimes think that your child may not have enough of the "right stuff' to make it. He's got a job now at a local Chipotle and really hoping that works out for him.

 

[BusynMember]

Dude, and I mean this nicely now, this adult sounds like hes on the autism spectrum. They have huge anxiety, tend to talk to themselves out loud, rocking is HUGE and social skills need teaching. If he does have it, expecting him to "figure it out' will not happen without adult supports. I have a mildly Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son who does all the things yours does, minus the pot. He had interventions all his life and lives alone and is doing well, but he is different in some ways. But, boy, has he progressed. He works and also gets ssi. Pays his own bills. Is very well behaved and is maturing. But still talks to himself or sings to himself when alone...I do think it helps soothe him as did the rocking. His social skills have improved immensely...autism causes delays including in maturity and causes learning problems and severe sovial problems.

in my opinion the ADHD diagnosis was probably wrong. This could be why he struggles so much.

 

[tbod]

Dude, and I mean this nicely now, this adult sounds like hes on the autism spectrum. They have huge anxiety, tend to talk to themselves out loud, rocking is HUGE and social skills need teaching. If he does have it, expecting him to "figure it out' will not happen without adult supports. I have a mildly Autism Spectrum Disorders (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)) son who does all the things yours does, minus the pot. He had interventions all his life and lives alone and is doing well, but he is different in some ways. But, boy, has he progressed. He works and also gets ssi. Pays his own bills. Is very well behaved and is maturing. But still talks to himself or sings to himself when alone...I do think it helps soothe him as did the rocking. His social skills have improved immensely...autism causes delays including in maturity and causes learning problems and severe sovial problems.

in my opinion the ADHD diagnosis was probably wrong. This could be why he struggles so much.

Dude, and I mean this nicely now, this adult sounds like hes on the autism spectrum. They have huge anxiety, tend to talk to themselves out loud, rocking is HUGE and social skills need teaching. If he does have it, expecting him to "figure it out' will not happen without adult supports. I have a mildly Autism Spectrum Disorders (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)) son who does all the things yours does, minus the pot. He had interventions all his life and lives alone and is doing well, but he is different in some ways. But, boy, has he progressed. He works and also gets ssi. Pays his own bills. Is very well behaved and is maturing. But still talks to himself or sings to himself when alone...I do think it helps soothe him as did the rocking. His social skills have improved immensely...autism causes delays including in maturity and causes learning problems and severe sovial problems.

in my opinion the ADHD diagnosis was probably wrong. This could be why he struggles so much.

Thank you for that insight. The ADHD was not a wrong diagnosis...and he very likely has (and continues to have) other spectrum issues and perhaps other things as well. Probably a "soup sandwich" of issues. We've been working with my son on this for the last 14 years or so, read scores of books on all of the medications (and their side effects, etc,) as well as having a psychologist accompany us on this journey to help us figure out how to parent him. Yep...and had him tested many many times. If you were to meet him...he would appear perfectly normal to you...guaranteed. However, after having spent a few days...you would begin to see the cycling anxieties and almost manic sillyness take place..and the inappropriate..and likely quirky comments. He's developed a very good first impression (learned over the years). At the time, there was so much unknown as to how to move forward with this...not enough data history to avoid the pit falls that desparate parents find themselves in. That, coupled with a school system that was poorly resourced to handle these issues...and those schools that were equipped (called level 5 schools..not sure why)...also had kids that we really didn't want my son associating with. So, we took him out and tried homeschooling him. Nightmare! The issue, is that he is likely very high functioning..and yes, could very well be on the spectrum..but with all of the testing, there was never a specific diagnosis. So, we're hoping that his prefrontal cortex/executive thinking will at least mature enough to where he can somewhat manage himself. Have noticed that over the last 2 years, he is tying together cause and effect and is somewhat appropriately learning from many of his actions...other than just getting mad at the consequence like he used to....or glamorizing his misadventures (and completely missing the point). So, this is why I've put very tight boundaries and rules in place that we've all signed up to in our house. And that seems to be working somewhat. AT 19.5 years old its always a race against time. Glad things have worked out for your son.

R/Dude

 

[InsaneCdn]

AT 19.5 years old its always a race against time

At 19.5 years old... I feel for you.
Yes, some of our higher-functioning kids are at the short end of the stick in getting a diagnosis, because they can sort of hold things together long enough to look good on paper - WE have to live with them and THEY have to live in the real world, and missed diagnoses don't help!

Yes, maturity is a factor. It's a major factor for neuro-typical young males. Just not quite as major as for kids with developmental issues. And yes, maturity helps. But it is NOT a cure. There is no cure.

If you were to meet him...he would appear perfectly normal to you...guaranteed. However, after having spent a few days...you would begin to see the cycling anxieties and almost manic sillyness take place

He may be dealing with more than "just" autism spectrum challenges. He could very well be bi-polar as well. Getting help for the "cycling" really helps.

 

[tbod]

At 19.5 years old... I feel for you.
Yes, some of our higher-functioning kids are at the short end of the stick in getting a diagnosis, because they can sort of hold things together long enough to look good on paper - WE have to live with them and THEY have to live in the real world, and missed diagnoses don't help!

Yes, maturity is a factor. It's a major factor for neuro-typical young males. Just not quite as major as for kids with developmental issues. And yes, maturity helps. But it is NOT a cure. There is no cure.


He may be dealing with more than "just" autism spectrum challenges. He could very well be bi-polar as well. Getting help for the "cycling" really helps.

InsaneCdn,
Exactly, and very well articulated. You get it. There isn't a cure...but a process of repetition, and reinforcement in a structured environment so that he'll eventually be able to replace "mom and dad" currently serving as his frontal cortex, with an ability to manage himself within social norms. Just hoping I can survive long enough to see that day. He came to me last night and apologized for recent behaviors. That was huge. And then stated, he thinks he knows what to do try and keep the peace in the family. Sounded nice...We'll see Thanks for getting it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You are also welcome to come post on the "failure to thrive" forum. Sounds like substance abuse isn't the main driver in your son's challenges - but rather, developmental and mental health challenges that put him substantially behind his peers. You aren't the only family dealing with this!

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

I will take your advice. its valuable. Thanks for having the courage to comment on your situation. I have a little insight into why I believe he, in particular developed a serious addition to marijuana. Pls let me know if this is similar to the reasons you are facing your issues. That will help me try and "get it". First, I believe It quiets the storm that's almost always going on in his head. It seems to be tied to the underlying issues of anxiety and anger. When he's high, he has a hard time being angry and anxious and as a result...feels better. I get it. However, the down side to that is that when he already has impulsivity issues, poor decision making, lack of self control, and attention seeking behaviors, being high only makes those things even worse. Now, some if it may be immaturity...but some of it is a huge anxiety issue he's always had. He does a tremendous amount of "self talk" out loud (usually in his bedroom when he thinks I can't hear him). Almost sounds like he's on the phone or something..when actually he's created a scenario in his head...and he's acting out his part...and I read that to mean that is some kind of a self-soothing mechanism for him to play out the issues in his head ...but verbally. Sometimes its sounds violent...like he's addressing someone that is threatening to him. Also, he used to rock a lot in the passenger seat of the car too...and also did a lot of that just before going to sleep. So, it makes sense that he's found something that helps calm him. He sees a psychiatric at least once a week...and I have to trust that is working in some way. In a way, I'm glad his pot smoking makes him feel better and perhaps after he's grown and on his own..maybe there will be a place for that, but its still a crutch and will limit his ability to function properly in a world that has huge expectations of him. That's probably one of my biggest fears for him. I've placed many boundaries in my household that he has to function within...and he does ok for the most part...or at least tries...but I'm hoping he gets to a place where he will be able to parent himself...and hopefully will get there. Just want him to get to a place where he can meet enough of the worlds expectations to be able to function on his own. I know we all want that for our kids. But, its frightening when you sometimes think that your child may not have enough of the "right stuff' to make it. He's got a job now at a local Chipotle and really hoping that works out for him.

Yeah, it sounds like he has legitimate mental health issues apart from the drugs. And that the drugs are only making the situation worse. Meaning he probably would improve without any of the drugs, but I don't think that would be enough. I am sure there are ways he can benefit from the pot, but he kind of lost the ability to use it medicinally. If he didn't have addiction issues, it would probably help more than it hurt, but he is a drug addict, and pot is a mind altering substance. The benefits will always be outweighed by the negatives. It sounds like he does need to be medicated, though. Under direct supervision, and not with recreational drugs. SRRI's, or something like it. While I think that way too many people are medicated, there are those that really do need it, and benefit greatly from it. I was on Zoloft as a teenager. Stopped after Mom died, but it helped while I was on it. I probably should have remained on it, in hindsight....

Monologuing can be helpful, but only when you actually KNOW that it is a monologue, not a dialogue. As long as he is completey aware of this, I don't see what it could really hurt. Kind of like keeping a journal, just out loud. If he starts working himself up over it, you may need to start worrying about it. But, if it is just him vocalizing the normal stuff we all do in our minds, it's probably fine. I don't suffer from all the same issues he has, but I have dealt with manic depression, and obsessive compulsive disorders. And the standard impulse control issues all addicts have. Like I said, we stop developing when we pick up daily drug use. So, while I am 25 years old, I am basically 18 or 19. It was worse for me, since I stopped being parented at 16. I don't have some of the very basic skills that my peers have. Even before I was on my own, I never had a male role model. Nobody ever taught me how to shave. Nobody ever taught me how to change the oil in the car, or anything like that. Nobody ever taught me good ways to deal with my issues. I just winged it, really. These is all things I struggle with right now. And I can tell you that NOT addressing the issues is a bad idea. I think these are things you may want to talk to your son about. In a calm, honest, and open manner. When I first got together with my aunt, I never really opened up to her. She would try, but it was easier to shrug it off, and say that I was normal. It took a long time, but I slowly did open up. Deeper and deeper every time. She was amazed that I was still alive, and not in prison. I always felt better having talked to her. And your son will, too. That said, he really does need some professional help. I am not a doctor, and I am not identical to your son. Is he completely against the idea of any counseling?

 

[tbod]

Yeah, it sounds like he has legitimate mental health issues apart from the drugs. And that the drugs are only making the situation worse. Meaning he probably would improve without any of the drugs, but I don't think that would be enough. I am sure there are ways he can benefit from the pot, but he kind of lost the ability to use it medicinally. If he didn't have addiction issues, it would probably help more than it hurt, but he is a drug addict, and pot is a mind altering substance. The benefits will always be outweighed by the negatives. It sounds like he does need to be medicated, though. Under direct supervision, and not with recreational drugs. SRRI's, or something like it. While I think that way too many people are medicated, there are those that really do need it, and benefit greatly from it. I was on Zoloft as a teenager. Stopped after Mom died, but it helped while I was on it. I probably should have remained on it, in hindsight....

Monologuing can be helpful, but only when you actually KNOW that it is a monologue, not a dialogue. As long as he is completey aware of this, I don't see what it could really hurt. Kind of like keeping a journal, just out loud. If he starts working himself up over it, you may need to start worrying about it. But, if it is just him vocalizing the normal stuff we all do in our minds, it's probably fine. I don't suffer from all the same issues he has, but I have dealt with manic depression, and obsessive compulsive disorders. And the standard impulse control issues all addicts have. Like I said, we stop developing when we pick up daily drug use. So, while I am 25 years old, I am basically 18 or 19. It was worse for me, since I stopped being parented at 16. I don't have some of the very basic skills that my peers have. Even before I was on my own, I never had a male role model. Nobody ever taught me how to shave. Nobody ever taught me how to change the oil in the car, or anything like that. Nobody ever taught me good ways to deal with my issues. I just winged it, really. These is all things I struggle with right now. And I can tell you that NOT addressing the issues is a bad idea. I think these are things you may want to talk to your son about. In a calm, honest, and open manner. When I first got together with my aunt, I never really opened up to her. She would try, but it was easier to shrug it off, and say that I was normal. It took a long time, but I slowly did open up. Deeper and deeper every time. She was amazed that I was still alive, and not in prison. I always felt better having talked to her. And your son will, too. That said, he really does need some professional help. I am not a doctor, and I am not identical to your son. Is he completely against the idea of any counseling?

He's showing improvement of is self-control over the last year. Of course, there are setbacks...but overall, he's not doing the same things he was doing a year ago (setting fires, climbing out windows at night. etc.) Some set-backs..to include filtering his thoughts and responses. He's getting there. Thinking in time, he'll have enough of his act together to make it on his own. Just not sure how long that will take...no one does. Hes in counseling for the addiction and sees another psychologist for everything else. He knows he doing the vocalizing...and he used to work himself up. Thinking its more of a monologue....but not always. But, it really doesn't seem to hurt anything. And I really don't see him continue to stay spooled up when he does that. I agree with you that pot is like the last think he needs. however, its what his friends are doing, he is 19 going on 20...and if that's what hes going to do..he'll find a way to do it. Just happy for now that he's trying to stay clean and is at least vocalizing his desire to join the military this Summer. We'll see. Might be the best thing for him.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Thanks for your honest assessment of my note. I agree, I'm not dealing with his issues very well at all...but I'm at my wits end as well.

@tbod: If it helps any, "not dealing with his issues very well" is a problem for all parents of these challenging kids... AND, in my experience, worse for Dads than for Moms. Per my hubby: life would go SO much better for our most challenging child, if he would just (insert whatever advice Dad would give, here). And of course, the recipient of the advice does the opposite, or something from another planet, just because the logical thing got asked. I know, it doesn't make sense. But. I can tell you that these kids react very strongly to how WE react to them. If he is anything toward Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Asperger's (diagnosis or not, he's got traits), then "do as I say" doesn't work... it has to be "do as I do", and done with absolute and total consistency. The slightest inconsistency means the "rule" is invalid, and therefore there is no rule.

Example: No Speeding. (except if Dad is late for work). Umm. If there is an exception, then you can't say "no speeding".

Its much easier if you start this stuff sooner. But you didn't know back then. been there done that. The sooner, the better. He isn't going to like it - he's gotten used to weaseling his way out of rules, because the rules don't make sense. And unfortunately, all too often, he's actually right.

 

[tbod]

@tbod: If it helps any, "not dealing with his issues very well" is a problem for all parents of these challenging kids... AND, in my experience, worse for Dads than for Moms. Per my hubby: life would go SO much better for our most challenging child, if he would just (insert whatever advice Dad would give, here). And of course, the recipient of the advice does the opposite, or something from another planet, just because the logical thing got asked. I know, it doesn't make sense. But. I can tell you that these kids react very strongly to how WE react to them. If he is anything toward Autism Spectrum Disorders (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)) or Asperger's (diagnosis or not, he's got traits), then "do as I say" doesn't work... it has to be "do as I do", and done with absolute and total consistency. The slightest inconsistency means the "rule" is invalid, and therefore there is no rule.

Example: No Speeding. (except if Dad is late for work). Umm. If there is an exception, then you can't say "no speeding".

Its much easier if you start this stuff sooner. But you didn't know back then. been there done that. The sooner, the better. He isn't going to like it - he's gotten used to weaseling his way out of rules, because the rules don't make sense. And unfortunately, all too often, he's actually right.

Yep, you are totally correct. We were told back about 7 or 8 years ago by our family psychiatric...that we have to be "perfect" parents. However, as of late, amazingly, my son has indicated to me that he wants to comply with the rules...has stated he knows they are for his own good...and not an attack. And, for the most part he's complying. This is huge growth on his part. when he does well, or when it makes sense, I will add time on to the end of this curfew as a reward for showing maturity..but I'm very consistent with it. 24 years in the military has given me that mindset in spades! The things I have to work on include not losing my cool with him...as you've indicated in your note...as that kind of means to him its ok for him to lose his cool and that all bets are off...because, by definition, he doesn't understand nor want to obey the rules anyway. There's some progress...but it is a slow slow process. Not sure how my lovely wife does it...but she handles this stuff so much better than I do. Thinking it has a lot to do with keeping an eye on the big picture and not sweating things. She's good at that!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Thinking it has a lot to do with keeping an eye on the big picture and not sweating things. She's good at that!

Good thing your son has both of you!

 

[BusynMember]

Tbod, have to share this gem from my son. You may enjoy it.
My son putalking to himself never bothered us . In fact, it was loud and rather amusing. One day I decided to ask him, in a friendly way, why he talks to himself. He just shrugged good naturedly and said, "theres nobody else to talk to there so I talk to ME."

Got to love 'em ! Lol

 

[tbod]

Tbod, have to share this gem from my son. You may enjoy it.
My son putalking to himself never bothered us . In fact, it was loud and rather amusing. One day I decided to ask him, in a friendly way, why he talks to himself. He just shrugged good naturedly and said, "theres nobody else to talk to there so I talk to ME."

Got to love 'em ! Lol

That's awesome. Thanks for sharing that.

 

[BusynMember]

Tbod, I apologize for coming across harshly. Ypu had it very hard and did do an over the top job trying to help him. You did your very best.