25 yr old son living at home, lies, steals, sneaks and cant keep a job

[tbod]

Tbod, I apologize for coming across harshly. Ypu had it very hard and did do an over the top job trying to help him. You did your very best.

Thank you. I very much appreciate that. And your reaction was understandable....and I learned from it. Have to constantly remind myself to take one day at a time with him...my wife sometimes has to remind me to do that..and not to expect too much too quickly. Its just how I'm wired relative to him. He approached me last night and just wanted to apologize for all of the arguing and fighting. It was really humbling to hear that from him. It tells me there's hope. He just has such a hard time getting out of his own way....and you wish every minute there was a way to fix that.
Thanks again for your encouraging words.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Just want to say, again, that you are all good parents. There's no such thing as a "perfect" anything, much less a perfect parent. No two are ever identical. There isn't just one way to raise a child "right". It is a case by case basis. There are things that bad parents do, and you guys are doing NONE of those. I have seen bad parents. I have bad parents. And you are nothing like them. Nothing about them that I consider bad applies to any of you.

 

[tbod]

Just want to say, again, that you are all good parents. There's no such thing as a "perfect" anything, much less a perfect parent. No two are ever identical. There isn't just one way to raise a child "right". It is a case by case basis. There are things that bad parents do, and you guys are doing NONE of those. I have seen bad parents. I have bad parents. And you are nothing like them. Nothing about them that I consider bad applies to any of you.

Thanks. It seems nearly impossible to convince ourselves we're doing our job when we see our child continue to not improve and get worse...can't tell you how many times we figure its something we're doing wrong or not doing right. Had to be told numerous times by our psychiatric that it wasn't the parenting..that its more due to his wiring and that we have to tailor what we're doing to meet his situation and to keep plugging away. I still struggle hugely with that. Just don't want to put someone in the world that isn't stable enough to make it. That would be tragic to me. Thanks for those words. Very helpful.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

That may be true... But do you REALLY want to be able to make every decision for them? Even knowing that they will be much better than the ones they are making themselves? Then what happens when you aren't around? Do you want them to be entirely reliant upon you? The situation they find themselves in does not reflect poorly on you, in any way. I don't know about it being analogues to a wiring problem, but blaming yourself only makes it easier for them to blame you. And, if it isn't their fault, why should they try? See what I mean?

 

[tbod]

That may be true... But do you REALLY want to be able to make every decision for them? Even knowing that they will be much better than the ones they are making themselves? Then what happens when you aren't around? Do you want them to be entirely reliant upon you? The situation they find themselves in does not reflect poorly on you, in any way. I don't know about it being analogues to a wiring problem, but blaming yourself only makes it easier for them to blame you. And, if it isn't their fault, why should they try? See what I mean?

Yes..i do see what you mean. That has occurred to me as well. And, I know, my son has used that as a way to deflect the accountability away from himself. He is planning to move out in the next couple of months (or at least he's seriously thinking about it) with a couple of friends. When I hear him talk about it..I let him do the thinking and just try and bite my lip and just listen.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Yes..i do see what you mean. That has occurred to me as well. And, I know, my son has used that as a way to deflect the accountability away from himself. He is planning to move out in the next couple of months (or at least he's seriously thinking about it) with a couple of friends. When I hear him talk about it..I let him do the thinking and just try and bite my lip and just listen.

The fact that HE is thinking about it, and YOU aren't forcing it is a good sign, right? Even if his "plans" sound absurd, and destined to fail, they are still plans. Since I got in with my aunt and uncle, I have moved out on numerous occassions. Always to similar places, with the same friends. Each time, I truly thought it would be different, but I didn't actually change anything. Just expected it to change itself, I guess. My aunt tells me that it took everything she had not to slap me upside the head and say "The only change is the shape of the house, and you expect EVERYTHING to be different because of that?!". She would advise me, but ultimately I did what I was going to do. And the mistakes that followed were NOT my aunt's. My uncle is a very big guy. Very fit, too. If she asked him to, he would chain me to a wall and not allow me to up like I constantly do. And I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. But she doesn't. Thought has probably crossed her mind a few times, and I know it hurt her to see me mess up, but they were my mistakes to make. And I made them. In spectacular fashion, no less. I have learned a few lessons since then, and I will not be moving into another situation like those, but I still had to make the mistake 3 times to get any benefit from them.

Addicts are the kind of people that touch the surface of a hot stove numerous times. It's perplexing to watch, I am sure, but it isn't that we're dumb. It just takes us longer to learn from our mistakes than it probably should.