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27 year old daughter with ADHD
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 726033" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>My oldest daughter was shy, until she started using drugs, and was always left out. Using drugs got her a gold pass to popularity in the circle of those who use drugs. Her beauty didn't hurt. She was always well liked by guys...picture of tiny China doll and that stereotype is how she looked as a young child and young adult. She was always being left out by her group of friends. I wanted to strangle them all each time it happened, but I couldn't of course. I'd be in jail! Daughter, now clean, is still not a people person and still is a homebody without a lot of friends. She is mostly with her SO and little girl. She is 34.</p><p></p><p>By 27, you sort of have to learn how to deal with rejection. We can feel badly and invite our kids to join us, but that doesn't mean that because we feel bad we should overcompensate by throwing money and other tidbits at them. We are not even sure why they are being excluded or who these "friends" are. They could be druggies! In that case, better she has been excluded.</p><p></p><p>I noticed long ago that there is a disproportionate amount of parents of only children on these forums. Most people in real life have siblings. I think it is probably so much harder to have ONE child who can not get a grip. There is never a chance for the parents to get more relaxed with their role with children. Most younger kids will tell you they had it much easier in the parent department than the oldest one because parents learn to deal with the little ups and downs of emotions in their children and that carries over in my opinion to adult kids.</p><p></p><p>I know I am spread too thin to obsess over any one of my adult kids. One calls, another calls while I'm talking to that one, then a atext comes in. I have to keep track of what everyone is up to. As Mom, even now, I want to be there for all of them. But by being there for all of them, I can't focus on only one of them. Plus I have my husband too.</p><p></p><p>I understand why anyone would feel badly for a grown kid of any age. And I think it's kind to reach out to the child's lonliness. I just don't think that, along with that, we should get sucked into helping them continue bad choices, if that is what they do. No one incident will be lifechanging for them or in your relationship. It takes many years and hard work and usually therapy to change for good.</p><p></p><p>I always say that we should reach out with love, not money. And if they see that as the same thing, then they need to learn it's no t or they need to get angry and do what they must. But an invite to spend time with you, unless the adult is dangerous or might steal from you, seems fine to me.</p><p></p><p>My heart goes out especially to mom's of only children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 726033, member: 1550"] My oldest daughter was shy, until she started using drugs, and was always left out. Using drugs got her a gold pass to popularity in the circle of those who use drugs. Her beauty didn't hurt. She was always well liked by guys...picture of tiny China doll and that stereotype is how she looked as a young child and young adult. She was always being left out by her group of friends. I wanted to strangle them all each time it happened, but I couldn't of course. I'd be in jail! Daughter, now clean, is still not a people person and still is a homebody without a lot of friends. She is mostly with her SO and little girl. She is 34. By 27, you sort of have to learn how to deal with rejection. We can feel badly and invite our kids to join us, but that doesn't mean that because we feel bad we should overcompensate by throwing money and other tidbits at them. We are not even sure why they are being excluded or who these "friends" are. They could be druggies! In that case, better she has been excluded. I noticed long ago that there is a disproportionate amount of parents of only children on these forums. Most people in real life have siblings. I think it is probably so much harder to have ONE child who can not get a grip. There is never a chance for the parents to get more relaxed with their role with children. Most younger kids will tell you they had it much easier in the parent department than the oldest one because parents learn to deal with the little ups and downs of emotions in their children and that carries over in my opinion to adult kids. I know I am spread too thin to obsess over any one of my adult kids. One calls, another calls while I'm talking to that one, then a atext comes in. I have to keep track of what everyone is up to. As Mom, even now, I want to be there for all of them. But by being there for all of them, I can't focus on only one of them. Plus I have my husband too. I understand why anyone would feel badly for a grown kid of any age. And I think it's kind to reach out to the child's lonliness. I just don't think that, along with that, we should get sucked into helping them continue bad choices, if that is what they do. No one incident will be lifechanging for them or in your relationship. It takes many years and hard work and usually therapy to change for good. I always say that we should reach out with love, not money. And if they see that as the same thing, then they need to learn it's no t or they need to get angry and do what they must. But an invite to spend time with you, unless the adult is dangerous or might steal from you, seems fine to me. My heart goes out especially to mom's of only children. [/QUOTE]
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