27 year old son one step from the streets

[williteverend]

I'm a 60 yr. old single mom who, when my son turned 20 and was busting up our home, sold out and moved to a small town to get some peace. He's been in trouble with the law for harassment and has a terrible attitude towards women. He can't get along with anyone and has a behavioural disorder which he will not accept medication for or acknowledge. I suffer from a great deal of guilt as I did my best as a single parent but he, from puberty, was always resentful of any successes I had personally and felt a constant sense of competitiveness. He's on probation and has been forced, finally, to see a counsellor. But that's only once a month. His father couldn't take his behaviour anymore either so he has left the province to get away from him. I have no family support and the very few friends that I have only recently shared this with stare blank-faced with no comprehension of how to help.

I'm at my wits end and don't know where to turn. I've considered suicide several times as I don't see any way that my life will change. He calls crying and begging to come live with me to get a fresh start. But I know in my heart that would be a disaster for me - he's extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and I've been told by a therapist that I need trauma therapy from the past 10 years experiences.

Does anyone have any advice on how to live with breaking off, disengaging and dealing with the guilt of leaving your child in distress?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Im sorry you are upset. Although you gave birth to your son, at 27 it is more helpful to think of him as a man, not your little boy in any way a child. Many of us have trouble seeing our grown kids as anything other than the cute child they once were. In fact, they are tall, strong, able bodied adults who often abuse us in ways we would never allow a spouse to do.

A fully grown adult who physically or mentally abuses us, child or not, is a domestic abuser. Shame on your son for abusing a 60 year old woman! Most young adults start worrying about their older parents by your sons age. Instead, he is pushing you, abusing you, and causing trauma...not any different than an abusive spouse would. Why put up with it? I have a zero tolerance abuse rule for my oldest son who has no trouble calling me names.

I am lucky...I think. My son is two states away and has a great job. So I dont worry about a roof over his head. But he can abuse me. Now.. at the first utterance of abuse I disconnect the call or text and wont respond again for three days. He is much kinder now.

We can only share our own experiences. I am 63 with other grown kids who all nice to me... and a great husband. I am not going to be abused by anyone, even an adult child that I love. Sorry. Not happening.

I think your ex has the right idea. 27 is way too old to excuse bad behavior in my opinion. Do seek therapy again and learn how to detach from his abuse and drama. Or else you could get very sick. Your son is 27, not 7. He is making his own bad decisions and, unlike when he was 7, it is not your duty or responsibility to take care of him.

I think you would feel calmer and happier if you focused on yourself. Travel! Move! Go back to old hobbies, exercise, meet new people (yes, we can even at our ages), volunteer, get a new pet, bird watch, sing, dance...let your son go. You cant change him and your help doesnt help. He is a man. If he is able bodied, he can get a job. Dont let him live eith you ever. He is abusive. He is too old to go home to mommy.

Hugs and sunshine!!

 

[williteverend]

Thank you so much for your response and encouragement. My brain knows that it's the guilt that is running my life but my heart is not listening. I'll try to get some outside help for me and work out a plan that makes it possible for me to let him go to his own fate. Thanks for your help.

 

[RN0441]

Sorry that you are going through this.

Your forum name "will it ever end" makes me want to respond that no, it will not ever end or change unless YOU end it or change it.

We figured that out with our own son who started his wrath on us at the age of 15. He has a problem with substance abuse and that is what caused him to have so many problems BUT the end result is the same in some ways.

He is no longer living in our home and does seem to be slowly getting it although he has had many setbacks.

I agree that if you have no family or friend support that you should definitely seek therapy. I see a therapist myself and that and this forum has helped me stay sane.

Somehow mothers equivocate that if you do not let your young adult children live with you then you do not love them. I did that too since my son was so young when this all started for our family. Of course if he were going to school and/or working and not abusing drugs which caused him to abuse our home then he would be doing that. It is what it is and I have had to accept it.

If you let him live with you again it will not get better. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and make a life for himself. It is bad for you and him if you continue to enable him to not grow and mature.

I've put our son in my greater power's hands and pray that he is able to overcome this. It's really up to him just like it's up to your son to change and want to be a better person. It's really not up to you at all.

 

[williteverend]

Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your story. As you all know, it's beyond imagining how hard it is when your son, now an adult in years but not in maturity, is on the street with nowhere to go. He's not really 27. He's got the emotional maturity of a 15 year old out of control teenager. That's what makes it so hard as well. He's completely lost in the world and has no ability to learn or grow. I've seen that in the past 5 years. I've cut off the money, but not my attention and love. But it's never enough. He's burned all his friends as resources and he's trying really hard to find work and a room to rent. But I know what everyone here will say - he's got to stand on his own two feet. You're right.
My problem is that I feel so guilty about having a place to live, food on the table and though I've been unemployed myself for over a year now, I have a little bit of emergency money. I can't seem to feel happy without a cloud of sadness overwhelming me. How does one be happy when their loved one is so desperately unhappy?

 

[williteverend]

Yes, you're right. It will never end unless I make it end. Thank you.

 

[RN0441]

That's why you need to go to therapy. To help you set healthy boundaries for both of you. I'm doing that too. It helps change your thinking.

This stuff is not easy. No one said it is.

 

[BusynMember]

Is your son disabled? If so he can apply for Disability and that comes with other services. If he isnt disabled he can find work, even if he is immature. Many 27 year olds are quite immature yet they do work and are not abusive. He can get restaurant work or construction and make enough to rent a roomil in somebodys house.i assume he qualifies for food assistance. He can buy food. My kids used to run to the corner gas station and buy their own candy at age ten.Get the point? He isnt helpless. You assume he cant do what young children can do. You sell him short. He wont is different from he cant.

I have an autistic son, 24, very young emotionally, but works two jobs, gets supplementary SSI, is kind and nice and hardworking and pays for his own apartment. He shops and goes himself without a car. He does not drive. If he can do it, with his challenges, so can your son. He doesnt want to.

Nobody who abuses you should share your roof. He blew that. Apparently he cant get along with anyone. That is his fault. Maturity is not required to treat people well. It is his character. Perhaps he inherited some bad genetics. My son did. My adopted auristic son was born with crack in his system. I had to fightlearning problems and a mood disorder. We have to overcome these things somehow.

We can. He can.

Fact is, if your son had treated you right, you would have been fine with him sharing your space. Again, this is his fault.

Try not to feel guilty. Your son is where he is because of himself and he can correct it. He wont if you rescue him.

Please take care and remember that he is a man. Immature or not, you cant live forever and when he is alone he better know how to do things alone. Nobody in our society will feel sorry for your grown son. They will see his 27 year old face and body and expect him to behave and follow the law. And he will have to care for his own needs.

Please do seek therapy. You do seem to see him as younger and less capable than he is and you need to see him for what and who he really is...and to nurture yourself