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3 months in....and drama?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 639955" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. Sorry your difficult child is causing you drama. The only way to not have drama is to not allow it. Hard I know. Took me a long time. Here is an example of how that texting may have gone with me, now that I'm older and a lot smarter than I used to be, and not so easily taken in by the pleases and the guilt. I have learned it is best not to engage a difficult child because they are like a boomerang...they never quit their comebacks, never change their arguments, never give up begging, and never own up to what they have done wrong. Or you are supposed to forget about it, even if it was serious. Plus they are always changing. My motto is:</p><p></p><p>"Don't tell me. Show me."</p><p></p><p>Ok, this is how the text may have gone if it were me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me: Honey, I love you and I"m sorry things aren't working out. How can I help you in a way that does not include money or living here? You are a smart man (I always use the word man) and I will always give you emotional support and love. You will need to figure out the rest.</p><p></p><p>Him: So you won't help me?</p><p></p><p>Me: I will give you my love and emotional support. I will also allow you to grow up and be the smart and capable man that you are. I know you can do it.</p><p></p><p>Him: You (cuss words, fill in the blank) You are a horrible mother.</p><p></p><p>Me: I'm going to bed now. Text me when you are calmer. I love you. (turn off cell phone)</p><p></p><p>He hasn't spoken to you since August. He stole from his sister who was kind enough to take him in. He has obviously done something in your home that made you feel, rightly, that he should not be there anymore. People also don't change without a lot of hard work. If he has a job, he can afford to maybe rent his own small room in a private home? It is your decision, but if it were me, I would not start the money train again. If the only time he contacts you is for money, then you, like many, have taken on the role as your young man's ATM. They tend not to call us if they don't need something from us. Has he ever texted or called you to ask, "Mom, how are you?" with no ulterior motive?</p><p></p><p>And, yes, you are right. With our kids, who do not think like other people, they are in crisis on minute then unavailable the next. That used to puzzle me and I tried to analyze it. Now I just accept it. My newest most important motto toward life itself is now" IT IS WHAT IT IS. IT SHOULD BE THE WAY IT IS OR IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT." This helped me a lot last week when I had a cancer scare. It helps me with my puzzling son who has always done and said things that didn't make any sense to me. Now I just don't engage him when he is being difficult. I learned to make my own peace and serenity and health the most important part of my life because if I don't love me, I can't ever be happy and I certainly can not help anyone else if they REALLY need me, like truly ill or hurt.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. Take that little black dog and hug it to death. It sounds so cute! My pets give me tremendous comfort and therapy when the world seems mad!!</p><p></p><p>Many warm thoughts in your direction...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 639955, member: 1550"] Hi there. Sorry your difficult child is causing you drama. The only way to not have drama is to not allow it. Hard I know. Took me a long time. Here is an example of how that texting may have gone with me, now that I'm older and a lot smarter than I used to be, and not so easily taken in by the pleases and the guilt. I have learned it is best not to engage a difficult child because they are like a boomerang...they never quit their comebacks, never change their arguments, never give up begging, and never own up to what they have done wrong. Or you are supposed to forget about it, even if it was serious. Plus they are always changing. My motto is: "Don't tell me. Show me." Ok, this is how the text may have gone if it were me. Me: Honey, I love you and I"m sorry things aren't working out. How can I help you in a way that does not include money or living here? You are a smart man (I always use the word man) and I will always give you emotional support and love. You will need to figure out the rest. Him: So you won't help me? Me: I will give you my love and emotional support. I will also allow you to grow up and be the smart and capable man that you are. I know you can do it. Him: You (cuss words, fill in the blank) You are a horrible mother. Me: I'm going to bed now. Text me when you are calmer. I love you. (turn off cell phone) He hasn't spoken to you since August. He stole from his sister who was kind enough to take him in. He has obviously done something in your home that made you feel, rightly, that he should not be there anymore. People also don't change without a lot of hard work. If he has a job, he can afford to maybe rent his own small room in a private home? It is your decision, but if it were me, I would not start the money train again. If the only time he contacts you is for money, then you, like many, have taken on the role as your young man's ATM. They tend not to call us if they don't need something from us. Has he ever texted or called you to ask, "Mom, how are you?" with no ulterior motive? And, yes, you are right. With our kids, who do not think like other people, they are in crisis on minute then unavailable the next. That used to puzzle me and I tried to analyze it. Now I just accept it. My newest most important motto toward life itself is now" IT IS WHAT IT IS. IT SHOULD BE THE WAY IT IS OR IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT." This helped me a lot last week when I had a cancer scare. It helps me with my puzzling son who has always done and said things that didn't make any sense to me. Now I just don't engage him when he is being difficult. I learned to make my own peace and serenity and health the most important part of my life because if I don't love me, I can't ever be happy and I certainly can not help anyone else if they REALLY need me, like truly ill or hurt. I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. Take that little black dog and hug it to death. It sounds so cute! My pets give me tremendous comfort and therapy when the world seems mad!! Many warm thoughts in your direction... [/QUOTE]
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