3 sons aged 16,19 & 25 HELP

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lyrae, May 27, 2013.

  1. Lyrae

    Lyrae New Member

    This is my first post. Found this site while looking for advice in regards to my 19 yr old son. He has been crying and saying that he is worthless and wants to die and that he hates himself. He has progressively been getting into trouble and using marijuana and other drugs. He refuses therapy. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and is spiraling out of control as I helplessly watch. Our home is tense and his negative attitude and demeanor bring everyone down.He did graduate high school and currently has a part time job. He starts a community work program tomorrow at 7 am which he is doing in Lieu of jail as he was recently sentenced to 60 days in jail for selling marijuana.My husband and I will need to drive him daily because he totaled his car last year while he was high on Xanax. Today he is moody and somber. There are no words for me to say to him to make it better. As a mom, I struggle watching him go deeper into a depression. But if he refuses treatment, what more can I do?
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Lyrae. I'm sorry you are going through this hard time with your son. I would recommend YOU and your husband try to find some avenues of support for both of you. It is very difficult to deal with an adult child who is depressed and/or using drugs. In my opinion and experience, it is wise to get support, find a therapist, learn tools and find ways to set boundaries that you can live with in your home and once those are in place, if they are not followed, there needs to be consequences.

    *It may be premature at this time, there may be other avenues others can offer, however, if he is living under your roof, you can make an evaluation and therapy a condition for him to continue to live in your home and for you to drive him around. There is no reason he should be able to dictate to you what it is he is not willing to do when you are taking care of him and he is living with you. There are 4 other people to consider in your family.

    There is a good article at the bottom of my post on detachment which may be helpful to you. Find support for you and your husband, learn tools for detachment, learn how to set boundaries...........there comes a time for many of us here when we have to detach from our adult children and allow them to have the natural consequences of their behaviors. Keep posting it helps. I'm glad you found us. I hope your path gets easier.............
  3. Lyrae

    Lyrae New Member

    Just read the article. I absolutely can identify with many of the points. To complicate matters, my husband admitted to relapsing last night and is going into rehab. But first he needs to go into his job and speak to his manager. He told the boys one by one last night. My 16 yr old had an attitude of 'geez dad, again?' My 19 yr old is angry with the entire world and this was just another thing to add to his list of why his life is so bad. My 25 yr old cried. I tried to talk to my 19 yr old about it as I drove him to his 1st day of community work this morning, but he said his dad is a loser like him and he didn't want to talk about it. Trying to stay positive and upbeat despite it all.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You've sure got a lot on your plate. If your husband is going into rehab, you might look into any codependency programs they might have for you. I found a year long codependency program in CA. at a huge HMO which ended up being enormously helpful to me in detaching from my daughter. Your husband was courageous in telling the whole family. Relapses are really a part of recovery and it sounds as if your husband is willing to admit to his issues and seek the help necessary. You may all respond well to professional help, it's often not just the addict, but the family system which is broken. Hang in there, perhaps this will lead you to the help you require.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, Lyrae. :O)

  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Your sons should be proud that their father is getting help! I hope your son chooses a better life for himself, too...
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, your husband is setting a good example for your son....by admitting his imperfections and desiring to be better.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Lyrae, will you post an update for us, please?

    Posting is as much for us as it is, for you. We all learn a better way through helping one another, through feeling echoes of our own pain, our own questions, in the posts we respond to. But here is the thing: gathering our thoughts to write coherently about what is happening in our families helps us to see things more clearly. We see solutions ~ maybe only little things ~ that might make a difference for our children, or for ourselves.

    I hope you will post soon, Lyrae.