30 year old daughter has done horrible things to me

Jenna0823

Active Member
I could make a list that lasts for days. My adult daughter has spent the last 17 years on drugs. Started with pot then cocaine then heroin. Has been in jail many times and a few rehab stints. I have had her steal so many times from me. From money to jewelry. She has done that to others as well. She has physically abused me and called me terrible names as well. She lies right to my face. She manipulated me so many times by playing the victim and conning me out of money. I have bailed her out of jail. Paid all her fines totaling thousands over the years. She said if I didn’t pay them that day she was going to get arrested or lose her license. I have fallen for this many times. I have bought her 11 cars. Yes 11. And nice ones. She never paid a dime for the cars or insurance. Last year she went so far as to falsely accuse a boyfriend of assault on two different occasions and he spent a month in jail. She would hurt herself by bumping her own head then blame it on these men and arrest them. She has told the IRS I stole her tax return when it was taken by the state for fees owed. She has an 11 year old that she just got back because she has been clean for 9 months. I hear she is pregnant from a third baby daddy now. Her 5 year old son lives far away from her with his father. She has had no contact with him in almost a year after she went to visit once to try to get money out of the father. She promised that child she loved him and would come back. Never has. A few months ago I stopped buying her things and listening to her lies after she promised me she was moving close to me with my granddaughter who I pretty much raised. I gave her $3000 for the probation fines so she could get released but that was a lying scam too. Promised to repay but nope instead she now has alienated me from my granddaughter completely. Five months this little girl has to have no contact with me. We were so close. One time I said hello to her while my adult son was on the phone with her and my granddaughter acted very cold towards me. I haven’t had contact with my daughter in five months. I admit it’s peaceful without her drama but now I lost my precious granddaughter. Any advice ?
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
You are a good person who loves her daughter. Unfortunately, due to drugs or just how she is, your daughter is horrible and you cant help her. Are you super rich? 11 cars? She is driving impaired and dangerously and nobody on earth deserves 11 gifted cars. How many did she crash? Also I wouldnt trust one word she says OR give her one more dime. Ever. Does she ever dhow you the love you show her?

There are some people without empathy. i believe one is my oldest son. I am in therapy deciding how much contact to cut. While he can talk nasty and my other kids and husband want nothing to do with him, he doesnt ask for money or get into legal trouble. I wouldnt bail him out if he did. He is 41. He knows how to behave even if he wont. He has a son i rarely see because I dont want to travel a few states to see my son. Its farfabd pricey and he could get mad and dangerous in front of me. a
Son refuses to travel to see me.

Even adult children can lack empathy. You need to start taaking care of YOU! Who will support you in retirement if you give her all your money?

My daughter just arrived so I have to go. Others will come along. Be well. Value yourself and your healthy loved ones.
 
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Jenna0823

Active Member
You are a good person who loves her daughter. Unfortunately, due to drugs or just how she is, your daughter is horrible and you cant help her. Are you super rich? 11 cars? She is driving impaired and dangerously and nobody on earth deserves 11 gifted cars. How many did she crash? Also I wouldnt trust one word she says OR give her one more dime. Ever. Does she ever dhow you the love you show her?

There are dome people without empathy. i believe one is my oldest son. I am in therapy deciding how much contact to cut. While he can talk nasty and my other lids and husband want nothing to do with him, he doesnt ask for money or get into kegsl trouble. I wouldnt bail him out if he did. He is 41. He knows how to behave even if he wont. He has a son i rarely see because I dont want to travel a few states to see my son. And Son refuses to travel uo to see me.

Even adult children csn lack empathy. You need to start taaking care of YOU! Who will support you in retirement if you give her all your money?

My daughter just arrived so I have to go. Others will come along. Be well. Value yourself and your healthy loved ones.
Thanks for your support. I am really just done with her. Yes 11 cars. She wrecked 4 of them then through a fit until I got her another one because she said she couldn’t work without a car. I enabled her. I rewarded bad behavior but now I learned what I should have never done. My punishment is getting cut off from my love my granddaughter who I really raised. I miss her so much.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
That is so cruel. It shows what your daughter is made of. I am sorry. I hope you have many other loved ones and friends who can give you the kindness and support you deserve.

If you ever find out your grand is in danger do call CPS. Dont be afraid of your daughter when it comes to the wee one.
 

Smithmom

Active Member
I so sorry for your pain. Just a couple of thoughts.

Some states have laws allowing grandparents rights. Find out if you have any legal rights.

Find someone, such as your son, who can act as a go-between. Assuming your daughter has alienated her against you I would take a very slow approach to re-establishing a relationship. I'd start with having your son mention you to her each time he speaks to her. Something true. Eg grandma and I saw this... Movie, model, news report ....and thought of you. Grandma made ... For dinner and said how much you used to love it. Grandma said... She's worried about you, wondered if you saw it, thought you have the same eyes, thought you'd love it, .... Nothing pushy, nothing overt, just reinforcement that grandma thinks of/ cares for you consistently. Eventually ...grandma saw.. And wondered if you'd like it. Can she send it to you? Can grandma email you the article she saw about....

What I'm saying is that as a child living with a parent she wants to, has to for her own mental health, believe her parent. You don't want to change that. You only want to remind her consistently that you are there caring about her. She will eventually think for herself, about you and other things. Natural pre-teen anyway. She will eventually reach out to you.

Third thought. You said she just got back this child. If that was through a court process your granddaughter has a social worker and/ or court advocate. While it would make your daughter irate, if they would recommend visitation with your granddau the court could order it as part of the custody. Tricky because it would alienate your daughter further. But this is about "the child's best interest, not hers". Be sure to use those words in legal discussion.
 

Elsi

Well-Known Member
Jenna this is so tough. You have truly gone above and beyond. I went down that same path, trying to help and finally realizing I was only enabling, and the more money and resources I gave the more out of control they got. It is like throwing money at a black hole. I bought cars, too - not 11, but that’s probably more due to my financial limitations than any particular strength or wisdom. It is so hard not to think ‘if I just do this one more thing they’ll be able to get back on their feet.” “If I don’t do this, they’ll be out of job and things will get worse and they’ll be homeless or on my couch - so I have no choice!” Or “I’ve invested so much in trying to help then reach independence already - if I don’t do this last thing to get them over the hump that investment will be wasted!”

We’ve both learned the fallacies in that thinking now. But I STILL get sucked in sometimes - most recently to get my eldest set up with the deposit and first months rent A room to get him off the street. It sounded so good. If he just had an address, he could get a job, and then he could take it from there. He sounded so ready to turn his life around. He was in the room less than two weeks before things fell apart with the people he was renting from. He didn’t even stay out the time he paid for. So much for that money.

Don’t think of being cut off from your granddaughter as punishment for mistakes. In all likelihood nothing you could have done would make a difference in your relationship with your daughter. She is using your granddaughter as a weapon. I agree with others who suggest you look into grandparents rights in your state and do what you can to maintain a connection. That little girl is going to need you.

Above all, forgive yourself for mistakes or perceived mistakes. There are no easy answers with our kids. You’ve done the best you could, it sounds like with lots of love.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Jenna this is so tough. You have truly gone above and beyond. I went down that same path, trying to help and finally realizing I was only enabling, and the more money and resources I gave the more out of control they got. It is like throwing money at a black hole. I bought cars, too - not 11, but that’s probably more due to my financial limitations than any particular strength or wisdom. It is so hard not to think ‘if I just do this one more thing they’ll be able to get back on their feet.” “If I don’t do this, they’ll be out of job and things will get worse and they’ll be homeless or on my couch - so I have no choice!” Or “I’ve invested so much in trying to help then reach independence already - if I don’t do this last thing to get them over the hump that investment will be wasted!”

We’ve both learned the fallacies in that thinking now. But I STILL get sucked in sometimes - most recently to get my eldest set up with the deposit and first months rent A room to get him off the street. It sounded so good. If he just had an address, he could get a job, and then he could take it from there. He sounded so ready to turn his life around. He was in the room less than two weeks before things fell apart with the people he was renting from. He didn’t even stay out the time he paid for. So much for that money.

Don’t think of being cut off from your granddaughter as punishment for mistakes. In all likelihood nothing you could have done would make a difference in your relationship with your daughter. She is using your granddaughter as a weapon. I agree with others who suggest you look into grandparents rights in your state and do what you can to maintain a connection. That little girl is going to need you.

Above all, forgive yourself for mistakes or perceived mistakes. There are no easy answers with our kids. You’ve done the best you could, it sounds like with lots of love.
Thankfully my adult son who has as Asperger’s syndrome that lives with me does get to talk to my granddaughter once a week or so they FaceTime so I get to say hello to her. She says hello back when my daughter isn’t home but if she is home then she ignores me. I feeL so disconnected from my granddaughter. As far as my daughter I really don’t want her in my life. She is toxic. If I kiss her butt and give her something she will use me and then do the same thing by keeping my granddaughter from me. She has done vindictive stuff to me. A few years ago I was violently raped by an ex boyfriend who was a millionaire. When the case was getting started she contacted him and gave him my new address so he gave her $800 for drugs. Her ex husband told me this recently. He was stalking me and I was scared and she did that to me. Oh and I can name other twisted stuff she did. Will my granddaughter become like her ? My daughters father was killed in a car accident when she was 15. He was drunk. My granddaughter just lost her day in July to a heroin overdose. I am so scared for her. My granddaughter had lived with me and my sister. We shared custody of her. My sister gave my daughter her partial custody five months ago thinking it was time because my daughter had been clean. Well she was on probation until last month and got drug tested but is now off that. She also has lupus so it’s risky being pregnant and smoking etc. I know my granddaughter is happy to have her mom back finally. But I was such a positive part of her little life. We had so many wonderful times. If I call child services my daughter could do something really vindictive again to me. What in the world makes her so evil to me ? I did way more for her than I should have. And now she abandoned her 5 year old son and lied to him and told him she would be back to be his mommy but never looked back. He is the kindest sweetest little boy. What can I do? I don’t want to lose my granddaughter
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Even though she's been clean for nine months, her personality hasn't changed? Has she apologized for anything?
Of course she hasn’t. She lied and hustled me out of money and stole my valuables out of my storage shed. When I refused to get her another car she cut me off. Then got my granddaughter back and I cried and begged her not to keep her from me. She listened quietly then never heard from her again. A month later at my granddaughters fathers funeral I hugged my daughter and she stood there cold as could be. My son said she was looking mad as I walked around at the luncheon talking and smiling to people. It made her mad I wasn’t groveling to her. I just want my granddaughter back. Not my daughter. I have had enough
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
I so sorry for your pain. Just a couple of thoughts.

Some states have laws allowing grandparents rights. Find out if you have any legal rights.

Find someone, such as your son, who can act as a go-between. Assuming your daughter has alienated her against you I would take a very slow approach to re-establishing a relationship. I'd start with having your son mention you to her each time he speaks to her. Something true. Eg grandma and I saw this... Movie, model, news report ....and thought of you. Grandma made ... For dinner and said how much you used to love it. Grandma said... She's worried about you, wondered if you saw it, thought you have the same eyes, thought you'd love it, .... Nothing pushy, nothing overt, just reinforcement that grandma thinks of/ cares for you consistently. Eventually ...grandma saw.. And wondered if you'd like it. Can she send it to you? Can grandma email you the article she saw about....

What I'm saying is that as a child living with a parent she wants to, has to for her own mental health, believe her parent. You don't want to change that. You only want to remind her consistently that you are there caring about her. She will eventually think for herself, about you and other things. Natural pre-teen anyway. She will eventually reach out to you.

Third thought. You said she just got back this child. If that was through a court process your granddaughter has a social worker and/ or court advocate. While it would make your daughter irate, if they would recommend visitation with your granddau the court could order it as part of the custody. Tricky because it would alienate your daughter further. But this is about "the child's best interest, not hers". Be sure to use those words in legal discussion.
I might eventually look into the grandparents rights in NJ if this persists but if I do my daughter might get vindictive. I am afraid of what she could do. Our grown kids hurting us like they do is. I never ever would have hurt my mother or kids like they do to us. Never could make my mom cry.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
That is so cruel. It shows what your daughter is made of. I am sorry. I hope you have many other loved ones and friends who can give you the kindness and support you deserve.

If you ever find out your grand is in danger do call CPS. Dont be afraid of your daughter when it comes to the wee one.
I do have other kind family and good friends in my life. My son says I was too easy on my daughter. I always believed that if I helped her again she would be ok this time. Or if I get her all she needs then she won’t be stressed out and do heroin again. Boy she must have loved fooling me.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
You are a good person who loves her daughter. Unfortunately, due to drugs or just how she is, your daughter is horrible and you cant help her. Are you super rich? 11 cars? She is driving impaired and dangerously and nobody on earth deserves 11 gifted cars. How many did she crash? Also I wouldnt trust one word she says OR give her one more dime. Ever. Does she ever dhow you the love you show her?

There are some people without empathy. i believe one is my oldest son. I am in therapy deciding how much contact to cut. While he can talk nasty and my other kids and husband want nothing to do with him, he doesnt ask for money or get into legal trouble. I wouldnt bail him out if he did. He is 41. He knows how to behave even if he wont. He has a son i rarely see because I dont want to travel a few states to see my son. Its farfabd pricey and he could get mad and dangerous in front of me. a
Son refuses to travel to see me.

Even adult children can lack empathy. You need to start taaking care of YOU! Who will support you in retirement if you give her all your money?

My daughter just arrived so I have to go. Others will come along. Be well. Value yourself and your healthy loved ones.
Thank you all for your moral support. I am just exhausted from the last 15 years with her. She lacks empathy alright. I am the opposite. I am a nurse. Empathy is my greatest trait.
 

Elsi

Well-Known Member
Oh Jenna I am so sorry for the pain she has put you through. That is horrific. It sounds like her problems go far beyond the drugs. She sounds like she could well be a psychopath. Anyone who could hurt their mother like that, even for drugs, has serious psychological problems.

In all likelihood there is nothing you could have done differently. Go easier on her, go harder on her, people here have tried it all. If she is a psychopath or has a personality disorder of some kind it most likely would have made little difference. It is NOT always the parent’s fault when these things happen! She had some tough knocks, for sure - I lost my dad at around the same age, and it’s hard - but that does not excuse her horrific behavior.

It’s perfectly sane to not want to be around toxic people who hurt us. Even if they are our children.

It sounds like your relationship with your daughter is not salvageable. I would just worry about your granddaughter, who still has a chance. I would not hesitate to call CPS in the future if you think it is warranted. Right now there is no relationship with your daughter to save.

I’ll never totally give up on hope that my wayward ones will change. Perhaps you won’t either. But as long as she is behaving this way, using and abusing you, you do not have to put yourself in a position to keep taking it. Protect your self, protect your property, protect your financial assets and future security. Hugs to you.
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
i itf your grand lived with you for six months or more YOU CAN GET RIGHTS. You may be able to get custody since your daughter is really unfit. That may be the only way to save your granddaughter. Get an attorney.

You can ask if you can get custody of your grandson too. CPS and the court system heavily favor biological family for custody. Sounds like grandson is in care with strangers.

Try five YEARS for daughter to be clean before you trust she is sober and your daughter sounds awful as a person. Do what you must for your grandkids and lots of luck. You deserve it.
 
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Crayola13

Well-Known Member
Thankfully my adult son who has as Asperger’s syndrome that lives with me does get to talk to my granddaughter once a week or so they FaceTime so I get to say hello to her. She says hello back when my daughter isn’t home but if she is home then she ignores me. I feeL so disconnected from my granddaughter. As far as my daughter I really don’t want her in my life. She is toxic. If I kiss her butt and give her something she will use me and then do the same thing by keeping my granddaughter from me. She has done vindictive stuff to me. A few years ago I was violently raped by an ex boyfriend who was a millionaire. When the case was getting started she contacted him and gave him my new address so he gave her $800 for drugs. Her ex husband told me this recently. He was stalking me and I was scared and she did that to me. Oh and I can name other twisted stuff she did. Will my granddaughter become like her ? My daughters father was killed in a car accident when she was 15. He was drunk. My granddaughter just lost her day in July to a heroin overdose. I am so scared for her. My granddaughter had lived with me and my sister. We shared custody of her. My sister gave my daughter her partial custody five months ago thinking it was time because my daughter had been clean. Well she was on probation until last month and got drug tested but is now off that. She also has lupus so it’s risky being pregnant and smoking etc. I know my granddaughter is happy to have her mom back finally. But I was such a positive part of her little life. We had so many wonderful times. If I call child services my daughter could do something really vindictive again to me. What in the world makes her so evil to me ? I did way more for her than I should have. And now she abandoned her 5 year old son and lied to him and told him she would be back to be his mommy but never looked back. He is the kindest sweetest little boy. What can I do? I don’t want to lose my granddaughter
Unbelievable. I am so sorry about what happened to you, plus what your daughter did. That was definitely terrifying. You might consider counseling if didn't already go.

About your daughter having lupus. How long do you think she has had it? Has she had a brain scan? I've read that lupus can cause bizarre behavior if it affects the brain. Is she taking Prednisone? I know that is a common treatment for lupus. It can cause violent behavior.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Unbelievable. I am so sorry about what happened to you, plus what your daughter did. That was definitely terrifying. You might consider counseling if didn't already go.

About your daughter having lupus. How long do you think she has had it? Has she had a brain scan? I've read that lupus can cause bizarre behavior if it affects the brain. Is she taking Prednisone? I know that is a common treatment for lupus. It can cause violent behavior.
Unfortunately that can’t be used as an excuse as she was just diagnosed about 11 months ago when she first got symptoms. I wish that explained it
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Unfortunately that can’t be used as an excuse as she was just diagnosed about 11 months ago when she first got symptoms. I wish that explained it
And I did go through three years of trauma therapy and Emdr therapy after the rape. Feeling better in the last year now lost my granddaughter
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
i itf your grand lived with you for six months or more YOU CAN GET RIGHTS. You may be able to get custody since your daughter is really unfit. That may be the only way to save your granddaughter. Get an attorney.

You can ask if you can get custody of your grandson too. CPS and the court system heavily favor biological family for custody. Sounds like grandson is in care with strangers.

Try five YEARS for daughter to be clean before you trust she is sober and your daughter sounds awful as a person. Do what you must for your grandkids and lots of luck. You deserve it.
My grandson lives with his father and is doing pretty good. He cries for his mommy but he is close with his father. I can’t wrap my head around abandoning your child. She is clean now and still does this stuff. And she is pregnant from a third baby daddy now. I will try for rights if this continues. She really is an awful person. What did I do to deserve this ?
 

ForeverSpring

Well-Known Member
Jenna, you did nothing. Unfortunately good people sometimes give birth to kids with bad bahaviors. Thats all it is.

Do take care of yourself.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Oh Jenna I am so sorry for the pain she has put you through. That is horrific. It sounds like her problems go far beyond the drugs. She sounds like she could well be a psychopath. Anyone who could hurt their mother like that, even for drugs, has serious psychological problems.

In all likelihood there is nothing you could have done differently. Go easier on her, go harder on her, people here have tried it all. If she is a psychopath or has a personality disorder of some kind it most likely would have made little difference. It is NOT always the parent’s fault when these things happen! She had some tough knocks, for sure - I lost my dad at around the same age, and it’s hard - but that does not excuse her horrific behavior.

It’s perfectly sane to not want to be around toxic people who hurt us. Even if they are our children.

It sounds like your relationship with your daughter is not salvageable. I would just worry about your granddaughter, who still has a chance. I would not hesitate to call CPS in the future if you think it is warranted. Right now there is no relationship with your daughter to save.

I’ll never totally give up on hope that my wayward ones will change. Perhaps you won’t either. But as long as she is behaving this way, using and abusing you, you do not have to put yourself in a position to keep taking it. Protect your self, protect your property, protect your financial assets and future security. Hugs to you.
I don’t think our relationship is salvageable especially because she can lie right to my face and play the victim so well that I get sucked in. It hurts that my own daughter is this way. I think she does for sure have a personality disorder. Her father was an Alcoholic and he was physically abusive to me and very grouchy. It didn’t help she saw him mistreat me and I didn’t stand up for myself. Eventually I divorced him then he died a few years later. Sometimes I wish and I hate to say it that she would relapse so I can get my granddaughter once and for all. She is Learning that it’s ok to be mean to your mother. That it’s ok to abandon your child. To lie to people. It’s heartbreaking
 
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