I think you are right on the antisocial personality disorder. She has been in and out of jail and rehab so many times over the past 14 years that I really honestly don’t miss her. I miss my granddaughter that I cared for for 11 years until she recently got custody back. She could not ever handle stress and having to deal with kids crying etc. Now she is 6 months pregnant from a third baby daddy. I think I was in denial of what she really was about until this last time I finally listened to friends telling me how terrible of a person she really is. I feel like I wasted so much money and time and emotions on my daughter since her teens years. Lordy I bought her cars and paid her fines and put money on her books in jail. It’s unreal. I don’t know what to do now. Will my granddaughter become like her ?
30 year old daughter has done horrible things to me
- Thread starter Jenna0823
- Start date
Thanks so much for reaching out. It’s really sad when we connect because we have terrible evil grown kids. I never ever would think to hurt my mother. Or to steal from her. Or lie to her face. My daughter does all that to me. She didn’t learn it from me. I don’t know if the heroin made her worse or not. She can play the sweet loving innocent victim so well that I feel bad and help her. Pay her fines and buy cars. I really feel like an idiot. Dr. Phil would have a field day with my enabling butt. I just miss my granddaughter. Thank god my 5 yr old grandson from a different baby daddy I get to see. My daughter promised him and the father she was coming back to them now that she got out of PRISON and she went to see them in Florida for one day and tried to hustle money out of the father and promised my grandson she would be back. Well it’s been 6 months and she has not once contacted her son. He is just the sweetest little guy. And she is pregnant now from a third guy. I really don’t want her in my life anymore. She is abusive even physically. I just want my granddaughter here with me so I can keep her safe. What if she becomes like my daughter? Prayers for you and your family
It’s so very hard to let go but I can let go of my daughter because she has been on heroin or in jail and rehab so many times since age 18 I a, used to her being gone. And frankly I don’t need her abuse anymore. Yes she has even physically abused me. And like a doormat I took it and forgave her and bought her another car and paid her fines. Over and over so many times I look looney. I think I need counseling. Hugs to you
Thank you for the hugs. I sure need one. My daughter is so cruel. I just need to accept it.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Your daughter is a danger to you. It doesnt matter why. You need to be safe. It is totally NOT in any way normal or even just due to immaturity to rob from, assault or hurt ANYONE let alone a loving mother. Most people NEVER do these things to anyone.
I had a mother who made me feel like the worst person...very abusive. But I never hit her or stole from her or, when I had kids, abused/neglected them. Your granddaughter like me can decide to be the opposite of Mom. It depends. Some young (and not so young) adults try forever to get love from abusers....parents, lovers and spouses, bad hearted adult children or aunts or uncles or any other loved ones. If you are there for your Granddaughter at 18 I suspect she will lean on you. So thats one reason to stay healthy and grounded. Exercise, meditate, eat well, enjoy people who are good to you!
Grandson is better off with Dad. Trust me, he is better with a loving stable parent. I fear for the unborn child your daughter carries. But time will tell if she can keep her. Her record isnt good. You may have to step in, if you are able. Or someone else will.
I think you did everything for your daughter out of love. Your love didnt make her this way. It may have even kept her from being worse. She may have been born with a bad set of genes. But she could have sought help. This is NOT because of you that she did not. We dont have the magical amount of influence that we think we do. A lot is genetic. A lot is peers (once they are 14 peer approval trumps parental approval), the internet, TV, teachers (good and not so good), other adults, the world....we matter the most in the elementory school years and we can't teach personality...just OUR values. It is up to them in their unique minds to follow our teachings or not. As long as you taught her right from wrong, she knows. It is her choice to take a different path.
You are a good person and its time to look after yourself. Please get help, a therapist. Have you ever been in therapy that focused on you and not your daughter? Therapy really helped me be the strong person I am now. My life wasnt easy either. But I fought for me. Fight for you!
Love and light!
I had a mother who made me feel like the worst person...very abusive. But I never hit her or stole from her or, when I had kids, abused/neglected them. Your granddaughter like me can decide to be the opposite of Mom. It depends. Some young (and not so young) adults try forever to get love from abusers....parents, lovers and spouses, bad hearted adult children or aunts or uncles or any other loved ones. If you are there for your Granddaughter at 18 I suspect she will lean on you. So thats one reason to stay healthy and grounded. Exercise, meditate, eat well, enjoy people who are good to you!
Grandson is better off with Dad. Trust me, he is better with a loving stable parent. I fear for the unborn child your daughter carries. But time will tell if she can keep her. Her record isnt good. You may have to step in, if you are able. Or someone else will.
I think you did everything for your daughter out of love. Your love didnt make her this way. It may have even kept her from being worse. She may have been born with a bad set of genes. But she could have sought help. This is NOT because of you that she did not. We dont have the magical amount of influence that we think we do. A lot is genetic. A lot is peers (once they are 14 peer approval trumps parental approval), the internet, TV, teachers (good and not so good), other adults, the world....we matter the most in the elementory school years and we can't teach personality...just OUR values. It is up to them in their unique minds to follow our teachings or not. As long as you taught her right from wrong, she knows. It is her choice to take a different path.
You are a good person and its time to look after yourself. Please get help, a therapist. Have you ever been in therapy that focused on you and not your daughter? Therapy really helped me be the strong person I am now. My life wasnt easy either. But I fought for me. Fight for you!
Love and light!
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Thank you so much for your reply. I have not ever sought therapy specifically about things my daughter has done. I was abused by my father as a child. He left when I was 12. I guess I learned to be a people pleaser and a codependent to my daughter. I just kept giving and giving to make her happy so she would be nice and not use drugs etc. I can’t understand her abandonment of her little boy. He is a beautiful well behaved little boy. This current pregnancy who knows how she will be. With the two children she has had she gets really stressed out and relapsed after they were a few months old. I am scared to death for my 11 year old granddaughter. I am sure deep down she has resentment for her mom never ever being there. Right now I think she is happy to just feel normal not living with her grandmother and aunt like she has most of her life. My daughters father is deceased. He was an alcoholic and eventually did drugs when I divorced him and was killed driving while drinking when my daughter was 15. My daughter was already acting up and started substance abuse prior to his death. Perhaps she saw him treat me badly and figured she would follow in his footsteps after he died. I am not one to fight back but rather take it and forgive over and over. I have read that victims of abuse become trauma bonded and it makes it hard to leave. At this point I just want my granddaughter back and at the first sign of anything not right with them even though I live hours away I will be right there to get her. And the new baby. I am 53 so I will do aall I can for my grandchildren. They are my heart and soul and they didn’t ask for a mother like her. My own mother spent so much time prior to her death in 2014 with my granddaughter as well as a very close relationship with my daughter as a child. She was taught love and kindness for sure. Thanks so much. Hugs
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
53 is still young enough to help your grands. I am glad. I am not sure your granddaughter is happier with an unstable mom than with a stable grandmother and aunt.
Dear Jenna, I understand the trauma bond so well. I had a family that decided I was the family scapegoat and was very abused by all. My sister called the POLICE on me every time we had a falling out, which was almost always her decision....to cut me off for months or years BUT she had to call the police first to have them warn me not to cintact her. Yet I, against the advice of my loving family of choice, kept going back to her when she whistled. She even called the cops after I moved out of state. I often asked myself why I took her back. Trauma bond for sure. After my father passed I finally cut ties with her and read a lot about the trauma bond. You start to both put up with any crumb you are given and do anything to try to get love. I get it. I was not as extreme as you, but these also werent my children, thus it was easier to finally quit. But I made a fool out of myself to my mother too. I so wanted the love she couldn't give. All my loving calls and letters, which were NEVER returned to me OR my kids ,(she snubbed my kids completely) did not make her think kindly of me. She disinherited me as her last haha from the grave...not that she had money, that wasnt it. The rejection hurt and I should have dumped the rest of my family then as nobody cared if it hurt me. But guess what? I forgave them! I still do, but I dont associate as one of them anymore at all. I have already decided to write a unique obit that does not include anyone in my FOO except my dear grandmother and my father. Ok, ok...morbid stuff but my family knows my wishes. I digress.....
I totally get you and feel so much for your hurting heart. We will always be here for you. 24/7 even on Christmas.
Dear Jenna, I understand the trauma bond so well. I had a family that decided I was the family scapegoat and was very abused by all. My sister called the POLICE on me every time we had a falling out, which was almost always her decision....to cut me off for months or years BUT she had to call the police first to have them warn me not to cintact her. Yet I, against the advice of my loving family of choice, kept going back to her when she whistled. She even called the cops after I moved out of state. I often asked myself why I took her back. Trauma bond for sure. After my father passed I finally cut ties with her and read a lot about the trauma bond. You start to both put up with any crumb you are given and do anything to try to get love. I get it. I was not as extreme as you, but these also werent my children, thus it was easier to finally quit. But I made a fool out of myself to my mother too. I so wanted the love she couldn't give. All my loving calls and letters, which were NEVER returned to me OR my kids ,(she snubbed my kids completely) did not make her think kindly of me. She disinherited me as her last haha from the grave...not that she had money, that wasnt it. The rejection hurt and I should have dumped the rest of my family then as nobody cared if it hurt me. But guess what? I forgave them! I still do, but I dont associate as one of them anymore at all. I have already decided to write a unique obit that does not include anyone in my FOO except my dear grandmother and my father. Ok, ok...morbid stuff but my family knows my wishes. I digress.....
I totally get you and feel so much for your hurting heart. We will always be here for you. 24/7 even on Christmas.
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My granddaughter is on FaceTime call right now with my youngest son age 28. He is an angel. They are very close. I tried to say hi to her but since my daughter is there she pretty much ignores me. It’s like I am a stranger to her. A friend told me my daughter is 6 months pregnant with a baby girl. Another grandchild I don’t get to see. I feel angry that my granddaughter acts like she hardly knows me when we were so close all her 11 years until my daughter got her back then she must have said stuff to her to make her not like me.
Elsi
Well-Known Member
I don't think this is true. The fact that she acts differently when her mother is there compared to when she is not suggests otherwise. She is a kid trying to survive in a tough situation, and adjusting her behavior to try to avoid trouble with the unstable person she is living with. This is natural. I'd bet inside her feelings for you haven't changed at all, and she misses you very much.
I am so glad she is able to maintain a connection with you through your son. That helps.
Even when my daughter isn’t there listening my granddaughter still acts distant and kind of cold towards me. My son and her have a great connection. They play video games online. I miss her. I feel like I lost her forever. My daughter hates me which is ok by me but don’t get my granddaughter involved
It hurts to have family that doesn’t give a rats ass about you and you keep trying to give them love and they
on you
