39 year old homeless son

[JayPee]

I have a question about Al-Anon: I grew up as the oldest child of an alcoholic parent and step-parent Would this alone qualify me to attend Al-Anon? Our son, Josh, is also now using marijuana (and who knows what else), but I just wondered if I could attend or not. I know from my upbringing that I have developed some pretty strong pathological rescuing tendencies and I wonder if Al-Anon might be helpful, if I could attend.

Beta,

You would absolutely be welcomed into Al anon. I not only had an alcoholic husband, my father, though a wonderful man and not your "typical" alcoholic was still definitely an alcoholic as well as some other family members.

You will find wisdom, strength and hope and sharing of your story with others helps. It's about putting the focus on us and as we go along we learn a lot about ourselves. There are "tools" we learn about which we then can use to handle and cope with other areas of our lives as well.

No one will tell you what you should and shouldn't do but you will learn a lot from listening and sharing. The program works to the degree you work it. There are daily reader books and pamphlets on "Getting off the Merry-Go-Round" that will most definitely help steer you in the right direction.

 

[WiseChoices]

I have a question about Al-Anon: I grew up as the oldest child of an alcoholic parent and step-parent Would this alone qualify me to attend Al-Anon? Our son, Josh, is also now using marijuana (and who knows what else), but I just wondered if I could attend or not. I know from my upbringing that I have developed some pretty strong pathological rescuing tendencies and I wonder if Al-Anon might be helpful, if I could attend.

Yes, absolutely! This qualifies you and I think Al-Anon would help you so much .It has changed my life. Going to Al-Anon has been the best thing I ever did for myself. Make a committment to at least 6 meetings as anything new sometimes can take a bit of getting used to. If you have access to several groups in your area, try them all if your schedule allows and see which one feels best.

 

[BusynMember1]

Al Anon would be perfect for you Beta. Many there were raised in alcoholic homes and some also struggle with addicted children and pot counts. Pot can be very addictive in the sense that people can't live without it's high.Pot can ruin the brain. It's overuse is not benign as our kids say it is.

Try it out! See if it is a fit for you but give it six sessions before quitting.

Never give up on yourself. It is hard to see our beloved kids struggle and even reject us, but we can still learn to live our best lives. God bless you.

 

[Beta]

Great. I looked at two meetings online within 30 minutes of where I live so I will check them out again for their times/days. Saw my therapist for the second time yesterday. She showed me a diagram called the The Karpman Drama Triangle and explained the dynamic of that. Food for thought. Being the enabler/rescuer I am, I immediately recognized my primary position as the Rescuer but also moving frequently into the Victim position. If you haven't seen it, you might Google it. There's also a subsequent variation that seeks to change the dynamic into a more healthy one, called The Empowerment Dynamic.
Thanks for your help, all.

 

[JayPee]

Beta,
You sound like you're focusing on yourself. That is good to hear.

I am familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle and I agree, that was that an eye opener! I haven't heard about the Empowerment Dynamic and will read up on it.

Remember with the Al anon meeting as someone else suggested to try at least 6 meetings. The reason is some meetings might be an open discussion, others, reading from some particular literature and commenting on it, relative obviously to the topic of the meeting and then others focus on the the Concepts and Traditions. They're all good in their own way and allow you to learn, listen and participate in the best way that will enhance your growth.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm so sorry for your heartache.

How do you other mothers do this? I feel heartless. How does a person not help their homeless child! No one should be homeless.

My son has been a homeless wonderer for years. In the beginning it was really hard to accept but the reality it that I did everything I could to help him. It sounds like you have too. What more can you do? You have already taken in his three children to raise.
It's a hard reality to accept but many like my son have made the choice to be homeless because they refuse to live a conventional type of life. My son refuses to hold down a job and would rather smoke pot and drink.
I will never like it but there is nothing I can do to change him.
What has worked for me is to really let go. I grieved as if he had died because in a sense, he has. The sweet little boy that he once was has been gone for a really long time. My son is 37 and I believe he will always be homeless. One thing I can tell you is that homeless people are really quite good at networking. They know how to find shelter and food. It's not an ideal life but for many it's of their own choosing. My son doesn't have to be homeless, he chooses to be homeless.

Come out of the FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt

Keep reading the posts on this site from very wise and weathered parents.

((HUGS))

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

Thank you so much for replying. I really needed to read something to help ease my pain. I too, feel like someone died. I haven't really slept in days and I am just going through the motions. I have the grands to think of. I slept 1 hour last night and booked a hotel room for my son for a few nights so I wont be so stressed. I really dont know how everyone deals with their homeless child. I feel so hopeless and so sad. He texted me he was riding the trains. I just cant bear it. If he can’t be a responsible adult for his kids, can he ever be? Do you ladies think he has a drug addiction, lazy or a combination of both? I really have to try to figure out a way to get through this. Then what happens after the hotel stay? Do I try to get him a one room shared house for a month and hope his homelessness gets him motivated enough to work full time? He has never really been homeless before. How does a homeless person jump back into the mainstream without help? I hear the shelters are worse than sleeping in the parks. We live in New York so there are not forests to sleep in. Thanks everyone who has replied because I really need some reassurance that I am doing what I should be doing! He is working at a seasonal position until this Sunday and that job ends too. He will really have no money now. I keep thinking why am I going through this and why hasn’t my son done the right thing after all these years? I am mentally exhausted and I have to pretend everything is ok when I go to open school house tonight. So not in the mood to pretend but thats what I do best. If they only knew how much I hurt inside. If anyone can give me pointers on how to help him without being an enabler please share. I know I have a long road ahead of me. So glad I found this group

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

What has worked for me is to really let go. I grieved as if he had died because in a sense, he has. The sweet little boy that he once was has been gone for a really long time. My son is 37 and I believe he will always be homeless. One thing I can tel

I totally feel your pain and am so sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing. I know I am not alone and did not realize how many other people are dealing with the same issues. I will pray for strength and pray my son finds his way. His children love him so much too. He is more like a buddy than a parent. Makes me so sad

 

[JayPee]

Terry I don’t recall if you see a therapist or not but it has taken me a couple of years to get strong. I go to therapy, read books to get informed about myself and how I contribute to enabling. I go to Al anon and really practice the program. I go to church, pray, read scripture. Until I came to this forum only a few months ago and whether or not it was just just right timing combined with everything else I had been told and learned, I was just like you but started to get stronger.

The pain was excruciating and I thought about my two homeless sons constantly. My every focus even when at work was about them and I paid for everything until the control I gave them over me was sucking the life out of me.

I didn’t want them to not love me or feel I abandoned them. Their approval of me was so important.

It’s going to take effort on your part to stop putting the focus on your son. For me detaching with love helped. I couldn’t be involved in their day to day crisis because it kept me too emotionally entangled and hurting. I got stronger every day by doing that and kind of escaped the web I was trapped in. I don’t have this down pat but I’m glad I put hard work into me and am making progress.

I learned that even if I’m afraid I can still do this afraid. Just because your feelings are gripping at you doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries so you can get stronger. You can do this.

If I may say, your lack of sleep is likely even making you more emotional. Your raw and hurting. You must take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. If you wait for others to do it it may not happen.

Take a nap
Take a walk
Read
Pray
Exercise
Listen to a happy song
Visit with a friend or close sister

Treat yourself with the same love and compassion you are so inclined to give your adult son.

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sorry about this. It is hard. Very hard.

Sadly, you can't make your son build on your help to become productive. Trust me, nobody tried like we did with our daughter. These adult kids know what to do to get out of their rut. They just won't do it. All of us here have adult kids who won't function in society. Most are on drugs which is a big cause of this behavior. The homeless population is full of addicted adults. Sometimes the family knows of the addiction. Sometimes we don't.

At almost 40 your son is aware that he needs to get clean and work. He KNOWS this. But he isn't willing to do it and paying to make him comfortable, as we did, unfortunately will not motivate him to join society in a fruitful way. It will just encourage him to keep things as is and count on you to rescue him.

We lost the lion's share of our retirement this way. We finally accepted that our daughter could avoid becoming homeless without our monetary help; that she is not a victim but the reason why she is in bad shape. We made a hard decision to let it be if she would not help herself. We stopped paying to rescue her. We have to save the money that we still have. You do too, especially with your grands.

It broke my heart, but I am finally seeing Kay as she is...stubborn, often unpleasant and unwilling to do anything to help herself. The bank of Dad and Mom shut down. They have to want to get better as much as we want them to or it won't work. So now, she has to do it. And she has a child that we are too old to raise. If she and her husband get evicted, my younger daughter will give our grandson a home, but nobody will invite my oldest daughter in. It is her fault. We all tried.

I highly recommend therapy for yourself so that you can learn how to cope with a struggling adult child in the background. I also love Al Anon. You learn to accept what is. That's important.

If you have God in your life, lean on Him. Give your son to Him and pray. I beg you not to do what we did. It did not help our daughter and our golden years are going to be spent doing a lot less than we had planned.

Please be well.

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

I am so thankful to you wonderful women for helping me through a difficult time. It really helps me not to feel as sad. I am going to look into al anon. I am sure I would learn so much. Have a blessed night.