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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 639530" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I have no contact with either of my kids, and the 3,000 miles between us makes it unlikely that we would ever run into each other. I've had a <em>lot of time</em> to detach. I broke with no strings attached with L. After all we went through with her for her to tell me that I was "never much of a mother" to her and that her pediatrician was going to be her "Mother of the Bride" I figure that <em>she </em>cut those ties. She did approach me about a year after we moved and asked for a sample of my DNA to help possibly (and <em>only possibly)</em> reduce the likelihood that her AI baby wouldn't have muscular dystrophy. I told her to never contact me again. If I were to see her on the street I would not acknowledge her. If she were to speak to me I would not hear it. She's poison and she will never have a part in my life again.</p><p></p><p>It's different with M. All those years we didn't hear from him, we still made sure he had a phone to be in contact. He never asked us for anything but pipe dreams, so we never acquiesced, but we did offer him sensible advice, which he never took. When we moved his fiance asked us what he could expect from us, as though we were dying. I gave him the few boxes of his things that we still had. Somehow he expected bedroom furniture that we had gotten rid of years ago and household items we were taking with us. Anyway, we did keep in touch. When I went home to visit I'd see him - not that it was easy. I knew he was seeing my parents, and that my dad was ill and tried to do what I could to make those visits more pleasant for all. "Try cribbage, he likes that."</p><p></p><p>Then I got that awful letter from my father in the Autumn of 2013 telling me that he had made sure that I wouldn't receive anything from him or my mom's estate, and "As always, we love you." husband and I <em>both </em>told M that when he died M had to be the one to tell us because it wouldn't be fair to let a non-family member break the news to me. On father's day this year my dad died and no one told me. I got an email from my childhood babysitter several days later. I got a card from my niece's mother in law a few days after that - I've never met her or my niece's husband. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back.</p><p></p><p>I called M and asked him why he wouldn't have told me, and he said, "Grandpa told me he didn't want you to know." I told him, "He's dead. He wouldn't know. You promised us you wouldn't do this. What did you think you were going to say to me when I found out that you didn't tell us?" "I don't know." He went on to tell me that "Maybe Grandpa sent you that letter just to cover his bases so that he could be sure that you knew what he wanted." More like that he wanted to know that he had hurt me, and actually had so little faith in the afterlife that he had to do it before he died. At that point I told him goodbye and hung up.</p><p></p><p>In August, on M's B-day I sent him a card and told him that I love him and that I know that he is a good man and not a little boy anymore. His choice to consciously hurt me for my father was a poor one and I can't subject myself to someone who would do that. I invited him to be a part of our lives when he can make better choices and we can trust him more. He's not a little boy, he's a married man and we are no longer obligated to him. But in all of his adult life both his father and I have apologized for our parental shortcomings, although none of them were conscious decisions to be bad parents. We were all in a terribly sad place with no help, is all. He apologized to his dad for assaulting him, but never apologized to me for anything he did - the stealing, the destruction of my personal belongings, the scaring me to death with my butcher's knife - none of it.</p><p></p><p>To not tell me my father had died knowing that it was done just to hurt me was done as a man, not as a boy. As a man he can apologize, and as a woman I can forgive whether he does or not. I do, but I won't put myself in that position with him again. If I saw him on the street I would say "hello". I might even ask how he was in the same way I might ask a neighbor. He knows where I stand. I don't hate him, and he's not unwelcome in our lives forever. He's just unwelcome to be a manipulative hateful hurtful person in our lives.</p><p></p><p>From that point of view, I hope that the next time you see your difficult child on the street you will have the strength to keep walking towards him, make eye contact, and say "hello". From there perhaps you can work on broadening your boundaries with him. Never having contact with your children again is a lonely thing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 639530, member: 99"] I have no contact with either of my kids, and the 3,000 miles between us makes it unlikely that we would ever run into each other. I've had a [I]lot of time[/I] to detach. I broke with no strings attached with L. After all we went through with her for her to tell me that I was "never much of a mother" to her and that her pediatrician was going to be her "Mother of the Bride" I figure that [I]she [/I]cut those ties. She did approach me about a year after we moved and asked for a sample of my DNA to help possibly (and [I]only possibly)[/I] reduce the likelihood that her AI baby wouldn't have muscular dystrophy. I told her to never contact me again. If I were to see her on the street I would not acknowledge her. If she were to speak to me I would not hear it. She's poison and she will never have a part in my life again. It's different with M. All those years we didn't hear from him, we still made sure he had a phone to be in contact. He never asked us for anything but pipe dreams, so we never acquiesced, but we did offer him sensible advice, which he never took. When we moved his fiance asked us what he could expect from us, as though we were dying. I gave him the few boxes of his things that we still had. Somehow he expected bedroom furniture that we had gotten rid of years ago and household items we were taking with us. Anyway, we did keep in touch. When I went home to visit I'd see him - not that it was easy. I knew he was seeing my parents, and that my dad was ill and tried to do what I could to make those visits more pleasant for all. "Try cribbage, he likes that." Then I got that awful letter from my father in the Autumn of 2013 telling me that he had made sure that I wouldn't receive anything from him or my mom's estate, and "As always, we love you." husband and I [I]both [/I]told M that when he died M had to be the one to tell us because it wouldn't be fair to let a non-family member break the news to me. On father's day this year my dad died and no one told me. I got an email from my childhood babysitter several days later. I got a card from my niece's mother in law a few days after that - I've never met her or my niece's husband. That was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. I called M and asked him why he wouldn't have told me, and he said, "Grandpa told me he didn't want you to know." I told him, "He's dead. He wouldn't know. You promised us you wouldn't do this. What did you think you were going to say to me when I found out that you didn't tell us?" "I don't know." He went on to tell me that "Maybe Grandpa sent you that letter just to cover his bases so that he could be sure that you knew what he wanted." More like that he wanted to know that he had hurt me, and actually had so little faith in the afterlife that he had to do it before he died. At that point I told him goodbye and hung up. In August, on M's B-day I sent him a card and told him that I love him and that I know that he is a good man and not a little boy anymore. His choice to consciously hurt me for my father was a poor one and I can't subject myself to someone who would do that. I invited him to be a part of our lives when he can make better choices and we can trust him more. He's not a little boy, he's a married man and we are no longer obligated to him. But in all of his adult life both his father and I have apologized for our parental shortcomings, although none of them were conscious decisions to be bad parents. We were all in a terribly sad place with no help, is all. He apologized to his dad for assaulting him, but never apologized to me for anything he did - the stealing, the destruction of my personal belongings, the scaring me to death with my butcher's knife - none of it. To not tell me my father had died knowing that it was done just to hurt me was done as a man, not as a boy. As a man he can apologize, and as a woman I can forgive whether he does or not. I do, but I won't put myself in that position with him again. If I saw him on the street I would say "hello". I might even ask how he was in the same way I might ask a neighbor. He knows where I stand. I don't hate him, and he's not unwelcome in our lives forever. He's just unwelcome to be a manipulative hateful hurtful person in our lives. From that point of view, I hope that the next time you see your difficult child on the street you will have the strength to keep walking towards him, make eye contact, and say "hello". From there perhaps you can work on broadening your boundaries with him. Never having contact with your children again is a lonely thing. [/QUOTE]
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