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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 15604" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p>The other day, difficult child told me she received a 100 on her civics test (first time ever) and instead of the 'tic' response, "Excellent, great job!", I asked her, "Wow, how does THAT feel?" and she smiled broadly and said, "Excellent, like I'm not such a loser, like I can do this!" and that was the end of that conversation. SHE felt good about her work. I was happy for her. Yes, I felt pride and wanted to clap her on the back, but it was more important that SHE congratulate herself than I. </p><p></p><p>When the kids were little and played on various sports teams, they all would receive a trophy at the end of the season's BBQ in town. EVERY kid got a trophy, whether they were on the winning team or not, whether they were last place or 2nd. Almost weekly, the coaches would host a pizza party or give them ice pops after games. H and I were so confused by this...we wondered why they were getting trophies, pizza parties, etc., especially when they hadn't done anything special or even worked hard to make any wins. BOth our daughter's were on losing teams (equally on winning ones as well) and they still carried home a trophy. I have so many trophies packed in boxes - what will we do with them all? Anyway, one time this other parent said, "Isn't it wonderful that all the kids get to feel like winners at the end of the season? Isn't it nice they all get to bring home a trophy?" And both H and I simultaneously said, "No, not really..." and the women looked at us as if we'd slapped her. She went on to say how important it is for the child's self esteem to be recognized for at least 'trying'. "How ridiculous" H said, "don't you think these kids realize that they didn't earn the award? Don't you think we're setting them up for unrealistic expectations and massive disappointment down the line? Should they be rewarded for just existing? What is the point of competing if everyone wins?" We had to leave at that point because people were starting to give us strange looks. lol -</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 15604, member: 2211"] The other day, difficult child told me she received a 100 on her civics test (first time ever) and instead of the 'tic' response, "Excellent, great job!", I asked her, "Wow, how does THAT feel?" and she smiled broadly and said, "Excellent, like I'm not such a loser, like I can do this!" and that was the end of that conversation. SHE felt good about her work. I was happy for her. Yes, I felt pride and wanted to clap her on the back, but it was more important that SHE congratulate herself than I. When the kids were little and played on various sports teams, they all would receive a trophy at the end of the season's BBQ in town. EVERY kid got a trophy, whether they were on the winning team or not, whether they were last place or 2nd. Almost weekly, the coaches would host a pizza party or give them ice pops after games. H and I were so confused by this...we wondered why they were getting trophies, pizza parties, etc., especially when they hadn't done anything special or even worked hard to make any wins. BOth our daughter's were on losing teams (equally on winning ones as well) and they still carried home a trophy. I have so many trophies packed in boxes - what will we do with them all? Anyway, one time this other parent said, "Isn't it wonderful that all the kids get to feel like winners at the end of the season? Isn't it nice they all get to bring home a trophy?" And both H and I simultaneously said, "No, not really..." and the women looked at us as if we'd slapped her. She went on to say how important it is for the child's self esteem to be recognized for at least 'trying'. "How ridiculous" H said, "don't you think these kids realize that they didn't earn the award? Don't you think we're setting them up for unrealistic expectations and massive disappointment down the line? Should they be rewarded for just existing? What is the point of competing if everyone wins?" We had to leave at that point because people were starting to give us strange looks. lol - [/QUOTE]
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5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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