Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
^&& ...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 625590" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Here is what I learned about being overly codependent on others, meaning I thought I had to be everyone's caregiver. t was never as extreme as you, but it was hard anyway. I felt I had to please everyone, especially people who shared my DNA. For some reason, I thought that having the same DNA as me made them able to treat me like crapola, but I still had to love them, cherish them, care for them and treat them with respect even though they didn't do it to me. In fact, I was known as the family backsheep. The difference between you ande me was I was in therapy from early on and never quit going so I finally got it through my head that I deserve to be treated with respect. The very first person I realized I should not allow to treat me like dirty was my husband, who was very ill. I thought him being ill gave him immunity and he could call me names and treat me like garbage. As life went on, I learned to let go of a lot of people, including my mother. My father was the last one I finally let go of. I feel free as a bird and in charge of my life.</p><p></p><p>Hon, you are not only going to burn out before you can help your kids, who really are the ones who need you the most, but you are likely to burn your health to the ground if you keep this up. And, be honest, do they really appreciate you and treat you well? I'm talking about the adults here. The kids may well be copying the abuse the adults heap on you. It sounds like grandpa is abusive to you, non-compliant, bitter, angry, threatening and much like another child, but he is a SENIOR CITIZEN. Sick or not, HE KNOWS BETTER. NOBODY has a right to treat you badly, 3even if they are sick and miserable. That is something I could not accept for a while, but it sure makes sense to me now. Did you once say that grandpa smacks you? If my dad or grandpa (if he were alive) smacked me, he would be no contact. That would not happen. Ever. Swearing and abusing me? Not anymore. I won't listen. I won't stick around to hear it. I will not excuse it. I don't do it. I expect the same treatment from others that I give them. If they don't like my boundaires, too bad. Demanding that you stay with him 24/7? Sorry, CHarlie. You have a life and two kids who desperate need you and, by the way, you are supporting him. He doesn't have to like it, but if you want to be mentally and physically healthy at all, you need to let go of caring about what he thinks and do what is right for you. I actually think your aunt is sensible. Nobody can take care of an elderly baby alone and at home all the time while also caring for two young children. It's a recipe for high blood pressure, a bad back, ulcers, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and very low self-esteem.</p><p></p><p>You get respect and self-esteem when you look after yourself as well as others and set reasonable boundaries and stick to them, even if the dysfunctional people in your life throw fits because you are telling them "no." Why do you feel like a failure? You are setting yourself up to fail by taking on so much. NOBODY could do all of that and be yelled at and care so much what othe rpeople think and not feel like a loser, BUT YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!!!! You are listening too much to what other people are saying to you and feel so badly about yourself that you buy their mean assessments.</p><p></p><p>I'm just one person, but I feel that it would be healthy for everyone if you decided just to raise your kids. Do what you want with grandpa...full time home care or assisted living. Your kids are little and they need you. Grandpa has lived his life. He is doing all he can to make your life and your kid's lives intolerable. It's time to realize that he is harming your little ones...you are too, inadvertently, by spending so much time with him. I must have misunderstood as I thought more adults were being taken care of by you too, like a grandmother or maybe a mother. Do you know why you are doing it alone? Not because everyone else is selfish, although they could be. But nobody else is willing to spend an unreasonable amount of time caring for a very sick man who should not be at home and is not safe at home and who is demanding and often unkind. I may not be the popular opinion here, but I think it's insanity to keep doing this while you have two younger kids to care for and YOURSELF to love and nurture. Yes, YOU MATTER. Why don't you want to go to therapy?</p><p></p><p>You get treated with the respect you demand. I am shocked at the difference in how I am treated now compared to before. I am no longer the "go to" person when somebody is in a bad mood and even 36, my most abusive child, is much nicer to me now that I told him, frankly, that I'd hang up on him every time he so much as raised his voice to me. I used to let him hammer me with abuse and insults. He knows better now. If he does that, he loses the right to talk to me.</p><p></p><p>I'd like to share what I did regarding my own abusive ninety year old father. Only took me fifty-some years to finally shut him down. He is the king of saying horrible things to us such as "Not one of you ever gave me a moment of pleasure. NOT ONE." Or "You are all losers." A common one was also "I will cut you out of my will." I finally got tired of it and had a conversation which I was recount to you, not verbatim as I don't remember it.</p><p></p><p>Dad: Your a piece of ******! All of you kids are loser pieces of #######."</p><p></p><p>Me: (calmly) Dad, that's enough. I have listened to that kind of abuse for too long.</p><p></p><p>Dad: You calling me abusive???? I'm going to write you out of my will!!!!</p><p></p><p>Me: That's your decision. I think you need to do what you want with your own money and that doesn't matter. After this, I will not listen to you tell me mean things about me ever again. At the first hint of it, I will disconnect the phone.</p><p></p><p>Dad: That's it! I"m calling the lawyer!</p><p></p><p>Me: (still calm) That's your decision. I don't love you for your money and if I don't get any, I'll survive. Mother disinherited me and I'm doing fine. I love you because you are my father, but I don't like you when you scream about how bad you think I am. If you truly think so, don't call me. If you want to call me, I welcome it, but you can not talk that way. I'm telling you in advance.</p><p></p><p>Dad: *&$#***@@@@@@ (Hangs up)</p><p></p><p>He doesn't call for two weeks then calls. I answer the third time he calls, with a reserved, "Hello."</p><p></p><p>Dad: Hi!!! How you doing? What's new!!! (It was like we never had that conversation and he has never again told me how nasty I and my siblings are. My sister did the same thing. Truth is, we talked to each other about it before we did it. Seems like it worked. If he starts up again? I will make good on my promise to hang up. And he knows it. Do I care if he writes me out of his will? No. Not one bit).</p><p></p><p>Why did I let him abuse me for so long and fight back or put up with it when it was so easy to stop it? I don't know. But I know that my 50's were my hasppinest, calmest years ever and my 60's are starting off in the same direction. I wish I had learned to demand respect from others a long time before that.</p><p></p><p>I do think you can find the time for therapy somewhere in your busy schedule. I worry about you a lot. I think you have a heart of gold and I think you deserve a peaceful, happy life that YOU control and drive, not others.</p><p></p><p>Big hugs. Sorry that this was so long.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 625590, member: 1550"] Here is what I learned about being overly codependent on others, meaning I thought I had to be everyone's caregiver. t was never as extreme as you, but it was hard anyway. I felt I had to please everyone, especially people who shared my DNA. For some reason, I thought that having the same DNA as me made them able to treat me like crapola, but I still had to love them, cherish them, care for them and treat them with respect even though they didn't do it to me. In fact, I was known as the family backsheep. The difference between you ande me was I was in therapy from early on and never quit going so I finally got it through my head that I deserve to be treated with respect. The very first person I realized I should not allow to treat me like dirty was my husband, who was very ill. I thought him being ill gave him immunity and he could call me names and treat me like garbage. As life went on, I learned to let go of a lot of people, including my mother. My father was the last one I finally let go of. I feel free as a bird and in charge of my life. Hon, you are not only going to burn out before you can help your kids, who really are the ones who need you the most, but you are likely to burn your health to the ground if you keep this up. And, be honest, do they really appreciate you and treat you well? I'm talking about the adults here. The kids may well be copying the abuse the adults heap on you. It sounds like grandpa is abusive to you, non-compliant, bitter, angry, threatening and much like another child, but he is a SENIOR CITIZEN. Sick or not, HE KNOWS BETTER. NOBODY has a right to treat you badly, 3even if they are sick and miserable. That is something I could not accept for a while, but it sure makes sense to me now. Did you once say that grandpa smacks you? If my dad or grandpa (if he were alive) smacked me, he would be no contact. That would not happen. Ever. Swearing and abusing me? Not anymore. I won't listen. I won't stick around to hear it. I will not excuse it. I don't do it. I expect the same treatment from others that I give them. If they don't like my boundaires, too bad. Demanding that you stay with him 24/7? Sorry, CHarlie. You have a life and two kids who desperate need you and, by the way, you are supporting him. He doesn't have to like it, but if you want to be mentally and physically healthy at all, you need to let go of caring about what he thinks and do what is right for you. I actually think your aunt is sensible. Nobody can take care of an elderly baby alone and at home all the time while also caring for two young children. It's a recipe for high blood pressure, a bad back, ulcers, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and very low self-esteem. You get respect and self-esteem when you look after yourself as well as others and set reasonable boundaries and stick to them, even if the dysfunctional people in your life throw fits because you are telling them "no." Why do you feel like a failure? You are setting yourself up to fail by taking on so much. NOBODY could do all of that and be yelled at and care so much what othe rpeople think and not feel like a loser, BUT YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!!!! You are listening too much to what other people are saying to you and feel so badly about yourself that you buy their mean assessments. I'm just one person, but I feel that it would be healthy for everyone if you decided just to raise your kids. Do what you want with grandpa...full time home care or assisted living. Your kids are little and they need you. Grandpa has lived his life. He is doing all he can to make your life and your kid's lives intolerable. It's time to realize that he is harming your little ones...you are too, inadvertently, by spending so much time with him. I must have misunderstood as I thought more adults were being taken care of by you too, like a grandmother or maybe a mother. Do you know why you are doing it alone? Not because everyone else is selfish, although they could be. But nobody else is willing to spend an unreasonable amount of time caring for a very sick man who should not be at home and is not safe at home and who is demanding and often unkind. I may not be the popular opinion here, but I think it's insanity to keep doing this while you have two younger kids to care for and YOURSELF to love and nurture. Yes, YOU MATTER. Why don't you want to go to therapy? You get treated with the respect you demand. I am shocked at the difference in how I am treated now compared to before. I am no longer the "go to" person when somebody is in a bad mood and even 36, my most abusive child, is much nicer to me now that I told him, frankly, that I'd hang up on him every time he so much as raised his voice to me. I used to let him hammer me with abuse and insults. He knows better now. If he does that, he loses the right to talk to me. I'd like to share what I did regarding my own abusive ninety year old father. Only took me fifty-some years to finally shut him down. He is the king of saying horrible things to us such as "Not one of you ever gave me a moment of pleasure. NOT ONE." Or "You are all losers." A common one was also "I will cut you out of my will." I finally got tired of it and had a conversation which I was recount to you, not verbatim as I don't remember it. Dad: Your a piece of ******! All of you kids are loser pieces of #######." Me: (calmly) Dad, that's enough. I have listened to that kind of abuse for too long. Dad: You calling me abusive???? I'm going to write you out of my will!!!! Me: That's your decision. I think you need to do what you want with your own money and that doesn't matter. After this, I will not listen to you tell me mean things about me ever again. At the first hint of it, I will disconnect the phone. Dad: That's it! I"m calling the lawyer! Me: (still calm) That's your decision. I don't love you for your money and if I don't get any, I'll survive. Mother disinherited me and I'm doing fine. I love you because you are my father, but I don't like you when you scream about how bad you think I am. If you truly think so, don't call me. If you want to call me, I welcome it, but you can not talk that way. I'm telling you in advance. Dad: *&$#***@@@@@@ (Hangs up) He doesn't call for two weeks then calls. I answer the third time he calls, with a reserved, "Hello." Dad: Hi!!! How you doing? What's new!!! (It was like we never had that conversation and he has never again told me how nasty I and my siblings are. My sister did the same thing. Truth is, we talked to each other about it before we did it. Seems like it worked. If he starts up again? I will make good on my promise to hang up. And he knows it. Do I care if he writes me out of his will? No. Not one bit). Why did I let him abuse me for so long and fight back or put up with it when it was so easy to stop it? I don't know. But I know that my 50's were my hasppinest, calmest years ever and my 60's are starting off in the same direction. I wish I had learned to demand respect from others a long time before that. I do think you can find the time for therapy somewhere in your busy schedule. I worry about you a lot. I think you have a heart of gold and I think you deserve a peaceful, happy life that YOU control and drive, not others. Big hugs. Sorry that this was so long. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
^&& ...
Top