6 months from now...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mamaof5, Feb 13, 2012.

  1. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    ... I'll probably be divorced (or at least separated). Today was an eye opener (lovely timing for V-Day, I always cry on V-Day and not in a good way).

    One of his online male friends has a girlfriend that I both removed and blocked from his facebook a while back (he asked me who I found appropriate and inappropriate on his list, this is HIS request) and the male friend asked why was she blocked\defriended...

    His answer: my wife is insecure and strict right now, I'm hoping it dies down and I can add people back


    It just shows me a. he doesn't give a rat's **** about what I think compared to what others think of him and b. that he doesn't truly understand what his cheating did to our relationship

    the point c is he expects to fix it without doing a damned thing about it. He wants it fixed without the heavy lifting involved in fixing it. I'm done carrying his poo poo when he won't own up to his own poo poo. I've given him the ultimatum of 6 months to really pick up his socks and do heavy lifting to fix this relationship while I look for a place of my own and save for first and last.

    I can't give anymore because he's taken it all and hasn't given a damned thing back. If he doesn't start tipping the give and take scale back my way I won't even make the 6 months I gave him as an ultimatum.

    He thinks I'm a leash pulling stict and insecure tyrant...well he's the one who created this dang monster and doesn't even realize it. I'm done being last, I'm done not being respected, and appreciated.

    At least I have a job. *sigh*
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way. You are at a critical crossroad that could change your life, the lives of your children..and, of course, your husband. You are the expert on your life so outsiders, like me, can't really input too much.

    on the other hand I know that there is unbelievable stress raising difficult child's. Sometimes the stress and lack of rest can spill over into marriage in a really negative way. How do I know that? Well, I chose divorce when I was 29 and I still wonder if I shouldn't have insisted on marriage counseling before I opted to be a single parent. At the time my husband and I had different views on parenting difficult children. We had lost the connection that we had once shared as a couple. Our life was not the way either one of us had dreamed it would be. BUT life as a single parent was much more stressful than I expected it to be....on me and on the children.

    I hope the best for you. I'm guessing that FB isn't really the main issue between you and your spouse. It is difficult to face the "real" problems but I have my fingers crossed that you will explore joint therapy or good marriage counseling before you make any decisions. Hugs DDD
  3. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I'm a divorced mother of two difficult children who raised them alone from the time they were 2 and 5. I can't tell you what to do; only you can decide that. But I can tell you that your life and your kids' lives do not end with divorce and, in some cases, it can be a huge improvement for everybody involved. I've never been sorry that I divorced my ex (even though he has turned out to be a friend). Divorce is not something to rush into but avoiding it should not make you settle for a bad situation.

    Know that all of us on this board are here for you and we are pulling for you, however this all turns out.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and strength.
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Hugs ...
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I can certainly see being a bit insecure and having some expectations for him to pick up his weight and own up to wahat he did after having an affair. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. I didn't quite understand the fact that you wanted him to block a male friend's girlfriend from his facebook though- I'm thinking she befriended him so she could have a little extra security with the male friend that is her boyfriend. ((HUGS)) It sounds like you have a hard road to travel either way.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    hugs and support to you....really hoping things go as smoothly as possible......
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in hugs and prayers.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) and support for whatever is best for YOU.
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon. You do for you now.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs on whatever you decide. I have never completely understood what went on but it obviously upset you greatly. I do know the computer can lead to some really bad situations.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You've worked really hard at making this work. While he's been giving you lip service, you've been fretting over whether or not your marriage will ever recover.

    As someone who has walked in your shoes, I think you're making the right decision. As a mom of five, your burden will be greater than others, but I promise you, it will be worth it when you experience that peaceful feeling in your heart and mind...knowing that you CAN do it better without him and his heart wrenching BS.

    I'll be holding you in my thoughts and prayers-for strength and peace of mind, in security of knowing what is best for you and the children. Your H is not living up to his end of the partnership, it's okay to let go. Gentle hugs.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    One of the things I love about our CD family is the diversity of opinions. In this case I am a bit shocket, lol, that the apparent majority are encouraging you to "go for it" and I apparently stand alone is saying "slow down" and "seek counsel before making such a huge choice". All advice here comes from the heart and very obviously you are the only one who can decide your future.

    I don't know if you have a trusted Physician (based on your profile I'm assuming so) who could refer you for help. I don't know if your financial situation is secure enough to support the five children. There's way too much I don't know. Therefore, I suggest moving cautiously. Sending caring supportive thoughts your way. DDD
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Mof5, I'm so sorry that it's come to this. It does sound like your H doesn't understand how or how much he hurt you, and that he just wants to lie low until he's "out of the dog house". Know that we're here to support you, whatever you decide. Your children need a happy mom who has the strength to keep fighting for them -- whatever you need to do to regain that strength and happiness is the right course for you.

    Sending many hugs and lots of support,
  15. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) :(

    I have always told my husband that if he ever cheated he may as well pack his bags at the same time because it would be over and there is no turning back. Not for me, anyway. I would never, ever get over that and I could never trust him again.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the lead in PatriotsGirl!

    That is the entire topic really. Did you forgive him? I have to agree with DDD here, as I often do, because it sounds to me like you have not been able to forgive him. I realize that the reason you have not been able to forgive him is because he has not done what you think he should do in order for you to forgive him. Whatever that may be (and I think it would be different for every couple).

    But, I don't think it works like that. I don't think he can 'be nice' it away (even though he is not even trying to 'be nice' it away). I think it is more about you then him. I really, really strongly suggest counseling for you now. ASAP. Before you make any decisions either way.

    I think it is entirely possible that you may find that his past actions will not be able to be forgiven by you. You may find you can never get back to where you were before. But, that should be the basis of the decision. Not who is on his FB page. That is trivial.

    You have not forgiven. Are you capable of forgiving his actions? That is what you have to figure out. I don't think I would even attempt that one on my own. Get yourself a counselor to help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Whether forgiveness is possible or not I don't know. I do know that pent up anger is unhealthy for you now and in the future. Even if you ultimately opt for divorce your husband will continue to be part of your life and the lives of your children. For your sake and for their sakes a workable resolution is important. Hugs DDD
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Regardless of what you choose to do about the marriage, I agree that counseling is a very good resource right now. It can help provide insight, perspective and clarity for you, the relationship, and where you want to go from here.

    Wherever your choices lead you, I hope the journey brings you peace and happiness. ((((Hugs))))
  19. keista

    keista New Member

    Oh he did not just say that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So sorry, Sweety. been there done that. Took me 2-3 years to trust my husband again after he betrayed that trust. And the fault wasn't mine, it was his. True, I was unable to forgive him fully, but he wasn't allowing me to, by behaving in the same old ways and being disrespectful to my feelings. Once he FINALLY started respecting my pain that's when the healing began.

    I do believe counseling is worth a shot, if he's willing. Because, yeah, sounds like he needs to do some serious "work". It's not simply about him being "nice" or even "behaving", it's about him being respectful to you as his wife. Currently, it seems, as if he views you as his warden who he has to obey as opposed to his partner who he needs to rebuild trust with.

    Even if he does do the work that is necessary, you may find that you are unable to forgive. THEN, it's on you. It's not a flaw, but that deep of a wound.


    I hope he tries, I hope you can work things out, but if it doesn't go that way, you're not giving up, you're moving on, and the freedom that comes with that is priceless.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Momof5 -

    First of all - Huge Hugs. Men! Argh! Don't they make you just want to run screaming like your hair is on fire with some of the things they say some times? Macho, bravado - can I say retardo here? (it was the first thing that came to mind ending in O) Probaby should have ended in aye Yi Yi.......but I get the feeling hes not Hispanic. Then again if I make references to eyes? You may just wanna poke him in one of them right now and well - battery is battery. But seriously -

    Some things? Are worth giving consideration to. I guess in your heart.....which is seriously wounded right now? It sure doesn't seem like the man deserves more than six months to get his affairs in order. Oh bad choices of words. Get his poop together. Then I guess I would ask - How many sides are there to a relationship? See everyone has a part to play and a lot of times when we think we've done absolutely NOTHING wrong - well maybe we haven't. But perception on someone elses part - could be different. He went somewhere - why? Okay logic would dictate (to most women) because he is just an (see my icon) but is it something else? Does he have a problem like addiction, compulsion? Maybe it wasn't ANYTHING at all to do with YOU? (Sounds lame but not you it's me) could apply. Is there still love here? Of course there isn't trust here - but what about love? If he would bounce back and be 100% perfect would you consider keeping him and loving him and staying with him? What would be wrong with that? What do you NOT like about him? Maybe there are things that BECAUSE of the affair you've become OVERLY tense about and you have a right to have your feelings but not beat a dead horse over. (Yes I'm on your side here that's why I'm telling you this) - People make mistakes. Learning HOW to forgive for some of us - doesn't come naturally - and a lot of us need to get help - a mediator.....someone impartial to see EVERY SIDE of the story - YOURS HIS and the middle of the road where you can both meet and love each other again.
    I'm not pro-divorce, but I'm not pro-miserable either. I took my vows seriously - and I stuck out 13 torturous abusive years. I worried so much about what God would think - what my family would think - what if I divorced him and in reality I was still married to him - I mean weird things like that still floated in my head. I got LOADS of counseling - nearly two years before I left THAT monster. I had one son. I got domestic violence counseling, I got individual counseling, I got pastoral counseling......I mean before I ended this vow I made - I wanted to be sure there was NO fixing it - and trust me after 41 affairs, drugs, battery, torture, rape, kidnapping, stabbing, and child endangerment - you'd think I'd have gone screaming to divorce court. I just went in quiet in a bullet proof vest. No joke. So did my attorney.

    So before you just up and jump into the I hate you - apartment - which by the way - won't ever get any better in your life just because you are iwthout him? Do yourself a HUGE HUGE favor and get into therapy for YOU. If you can get him to go? Awesome. If not? Oh well - go for YOU!!!!!!!! You'll find out a LOT about a LOT about you. You're wonderful, and you have yet to figure that out -----and as far as he goes? Well if he was happy with himself? he woudln't be writing things about you like he is.....So he's not exactly happy either. (either) ......got it? I think it would be beneficial for you BOTH (like as in all seven) .......
    Can't hurt.
    Hugs & Love
    POnder it.....