7 year old is destroying our family

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by brknpearls1978, Sep 7, 2011.

  1. brknpearls1978

    brknpearls1978 New Member

    I was searching the net for the term, "7 year old attacks mother in a fit of rage." This led me here, and I thought to myself, can it possibly be I am not as alone as I feel? My daughter is seven and started her life as a difficult baby, a demanding toddler, an angry preschooler, and then an enraged child. It's 100 degrees plus outside, but I have to wear sweaters because she has bit me so badly that i have deep purple black bite bruises on my arms over 3 inches wide in some spots. MY arms are black and blue from defendingmyself from her punches/slaps that she ends with biting when I put up my hands to defend myself or her younger sister. I feel like I hate her now, especially days like today, when she was trying to attack me and her three year old sister came to my defense and tried to hit her back with a toy, trying to defend ME! The little one was shrieking, "Don't hurt mama!!!"

    I don't know what to do, she's on Respirdone and focalin, we've tried the Total Transformation. Everyday she tells me she wishes I were dead and that someone killed me. It seems like she might be the one to do it any moment. She usually attacks in the car, when she knows I can't protect myself as well. This weeken, we went off the road when she clawed my neck and tried to cover my eyes with her hands. What am I supposed to do with this kid????
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    How long has she been on those medications and have things gotten worse or better since she started them? If the answer is worse, one or both is not the right medication for her.
    Glad you found us, sorry you had to. Can you tell us some more about your situation? There are also a few recommended book threads in Watercooler, many of those books you should be able to find at your library - try before you buy, no one book/method/medication is right for everyone.
    What kind of testing has been done and what diagnosis's does she have? Does she have an IEP or are you working on getting one?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board. But sorry you have to be here.

    Can you give us more of a history on your daughter? Does she live with both biological parents? Did she have any early delays? Any psychiatric problems on either side of her genetic family tree? Any substance abuse? Was she adopted, maybe at an older age, or did she have a very chaotic time in her early years? Any abuse or major trauma? Ever had a complete evaluation? To me it sounds like a serious mental health issue that puts both you and your other child at risk.

    You may want to do a signature like I did below.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. You are very right in that you are NOT alone. All of us here have been through this or some version of this type of behavior.

    Ditto the questions already asked. I hope you take the time to give us a clear picture of your daughter so we can help better. Sorry we don't have much advice at first but without a clear picture, we are hesitant to give what may be detrimental advice.

    From my personal experience only, my difficult child became like your daughter when the psychiatrist prescribed Risperdone. It took us two months of pretty much what you are describing to realize it was that medication causing it. We stopped the medication and the behavior went away. Could this be the case with your daughter?

    If her attacks are that violent, you owe it to her and your youngest daughter to call 911 every time. Create a paper trail. You and your youngest deserve to feel safe. How often does she see the psychiatrist or did a pediatrician prescribe the medications? HaoZi's question about the medications is a very good one, as I learned the hard way.

    Stick with us and you will be amazed at the wealth of knowledge and support the parents here provide. They have been my sanity for a year now and I don't know where difficult child and I would be right now without them.
  5. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i can only offer you moral support. i also have a child whom i often feel i hate and who has in my opinion made our family completely disfunctional. we do our best to get through each day, and we suffer through it. we have seen great improvement with the addition of medication. he is now on risperidone and while he is much less violent he is far from 'average' still. good luck to you, and please seak help anywhere you can find it.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    First off, you are NOT alone. Just to let you know, by the time my daughter was able to move around on her own, until she was much older, we could not let her be in a room with-o an adult if her older bro was there (three and a half yrs between them). If we did? she was bruised and/or bloody. I also was attacked multiple time by him. Finally we had to make him leave the family home for the safety of all of us.

    Right now your FIRST concern MUST be safety. Are you a single parent or do you have a spouse who can help? If she tends to attack in the car then you must NEVER take her in the car with-o an adult to sit next to her and restrain her. If you are a single parent, you need to find a way to have someone ride with you to restrain her when needed. You also MUST learn how to safely do a therapeutic hold.

    You also need to consider hospitalizing her as a danger to others. How is she at school/daycare/social settings? Who is prescribing her medications and why these two? I would think the risperidone would help but maybe the dose is too low or she needs a different medication of the same class of medications?

    You also need to write up a safety plan and practice it with the other kids - where they go to be safe when difficult child rages. If they are old enough it may even include calling 911 if needed or you tell them to.

    When she rages, consider calling 911 and telling them you need transport to a psychiatric hospital for a mentally ill child.

    If things are as bad as they sound, she NEEDS more than outpatient help. It is going to be hard to find and most hospitals will send her home in just a few days. You may have to do many short hospital stays (at psychiatric hospitals) before you can get any real, long term help for her.

    Hard as it may be, you MUST have help each and every time you transport her because she is going to kill you and anyone else in the car. You need to do everything possible to NOT have her in a car with you alone. It will only end in tragedy because either you and she are hurt or someone not in your car is or both.

    Depending on how she is with her siblings, if she is hurting them also (and it is highly probable that she is), then seh may need to go to therapeutic foster care or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as much to help her as it is to protect the other kids. This is NOT an easy task, I know.

    You may be able to help some at home. Read the Explosive Child by Ross Greene - it can be super useful. That total transformation thing needs to be tossed. It is not going to help with a difficult child ever. It only works on kids who already are willing to do what is expected but don't because the parents are not consistent, in my opinion. Over the years I have been here, that program (Total trans) comes up a couple of times a year. No one who has tried it has come here and said it did anything that helped for more than a week or so. The book I mentioned will be a LOT more useful.

    Also follow the link in my signature and create a Parent Report about your daughter. The link will take you to an outline of it that moms here created years back. It is an excellent tool that keeps everything about difficult child at your fingertips so that you can tell a doctor/teacher/whomever that you have done these things and ehre is the result of that and now lets try something else. It is a HUGE tool for you to help difficult child with.

    We do have some moms who have to turn custody over to the state because a child is just too dangerous to live at home. Usually the child starts in therapeutic foster care and depending on how they behave may be moved from there. If you cannot afford to privately place her in a residential treatment center, then this may be the only option. Yes, it HURTS, but the first job you have is to keep everyone SAFE and it sounds like you are a long way from that point. Regardless of difficult child's problems, youa re supposed to keep all the kids safe - even from difficult child. The written safety plan of who does what and goes where when difficult child rages will show children's services that you are doing all you can and need HELP. Not sure what they will have, but it is worht asking.

    You also need to figure out exactly what is wrong with her. I am NOt saying you did anything to cause this. There are people who are angry and are hugely helped by a gluten free/casein free diet. It is a LOT easier to do that now than it was ten years ago. The diet eliminates all sources of wheat and some other grains and also of dairy. It sounds too easy, and it does NOT work for everyone, but there are members here who have gone from HUGE violent rages daily to not ever having them and having a happy child when previously the child seems so angry from birth or from when nursing stopped and milk/formula was started. This diet cannot hurt to try and it might be a huge help for her. I just wonder about it because you say she has been angry since birth - and to me that sure seems like it might be diet related. You will find a LOT of info if you google "gluten-free, casein-free diet" including recipes and products that are for that specific diet.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wanted to add my welcome.
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Welcome! All this advice will make your life easier in the long run. My difficult child 1 was very violent when he was younger (tried to kill his siblings.) Luckily I was trained in how to restrain children by the school district. I was trained in the Mandt program. The schools sp ed teacher or the police or maybe the doctor or hospital or maybe the counties mental health facility would help teach you how to do this. You might need to talk them into it or pay to attend a class. Restraints can be dangerous if not done right (Don't ever restrict a child's chest/breathing when they are upset.) I also had a time out room. I would put him in a room I knew he would be safe in and let him rage in there. Yes he did property damage. Better property damage than physical damage to his siblings. What helped the most was sending him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for about a year. We live in the next town over and saw him twice a week. Once for a visit and once for family therapy. There were also staff meetings. Some weeks I was there 3 or 4 times. Putting a child in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) isn't giving up on them. Its like putting a child with a serious physical illness in the hospital. My child's illness is just on the inside where no one can see it. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) difficult child 1 was in took kids from ages 6 to 13.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    Just wanted to add my welcome and echo what everyone has asked and said.

    Regarding the driving. You might consider installing a cage or plexiglass between the front and back seats. It's done on police cars, taxis, and I've seen it privately for large dog owners. Might be pricey, but certainly not pricier than driving into oncoming traffic because your daughter is attacking you.

    Welcome :notalone:
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us. Sorry you had to. Has she had a neuro/psychological evaluation? Have you been tracking the medication changes and subsequent results? I agree with the others that you can not allow dangerous behaviors to become common place. She obviously needs help and different treatment. Sending hugs. DDD
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    You don't want to have the 3 year old behind that plexiglass with her in the car though.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh my goodness, you have found the right place. You certainly are NOT alone in what you're experiencing. Read through some of the boards, do a signature so we know more about your circumstances (family members, ages, diagnosis, etc).

    Welcome - glad you found this wonderful place, sorry you had to. Hugs~
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board and I hope you will find lots of good help and support here. Please can you tell us more? What diagnosis does she have (presuming she must do because of the medication she is on)? What is your family background? How do you understand her rage and what is behind it?
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    Certainly not. I would have (even though not "legal") the 3 y/o in car seat in the front seat. If there is a passenger side airbag, have that disabled, and would make it safer. 3 y/o would not be safe in the back seat with difficult child under any conditions.