7yr old thinks we hate him

[Matty's Mummy]

our 7yr old gets angry so often for no real reason he put his fist up to me tonight and screamed in my face this was all because I went into the boys room to read them a book, while he was about to start a movie at bed time.
I told him he will not put his fists up to me and I will be reading his brother a book...
I'm so over him screaming and carrying on over nothing. he screamed and yell so much that I took his tv out of the room and told him there are no more Ipads TV.. he was screaming that none of his family love him, that we dont "respect" him.... then he cried and carried on.
this isn't the first time he has said we dont hate him and I honestly believe now that he really believes we do.
What do I do with this child ? how do I get past all the screaming and the anger and try and live a clam life.
Thanks

 

[ML]

those "you hate me's" basically mean "I hate me" because they don't like feeling and behaving that way and any more than we do. If your 7 year old is the one on your profile that says he's 4 with aspergers, I feel your pain. But it does get better. Don't give up looking for ways to meet him where he's at. There are reasons for the screaming, whether's it's sensory or anxiety based, it's real. Calming techniques include skin brusing and of course lots of routine. When mine gets to working himself up I always offer him "a cup of tea" which means "I see you're at your breaking point now and I'm with you". I'm sure the camomile in the tea helps to Hang in there.

PS it cracks me up the way our aspies use language. Most kids that age would say the "you hate me's".. but the "you don't respect me" .. it's priceless.

 

[keista]

7y/o? I think you need to update your signature lol

Based on the Asperger's diagnosis, my first thought is routine? Was this part of the usual routine? What is the usual routine, and did your son have any say in creating it? At 7 he should know what house rules are and what is and isn't acceptable, so it might be worth a try 'negotiating' a routine - of course during a calm time. This might give him the feeling of empowerment and "respect" he's looking for.

At 7, my son came and asked if his bed time could be EARLIER. WTH? Yeah! Sure! Turns out he wanted to WAKE UP earlier to watch a particular TV show. OY. Getting up early in our house is a problem - especially for me. BUT he had the 'maturity' to get up and watch his show quietly until the rest of us got up. I'm aware it's a slightly backwards example, but I'm sure if I insisted on keeping his bed time as it was, I would have had my share of tantrums from him.

 

[Matty's Mummy]

I will get to that Sig in the morning. thanks so much yes it's my 7yr old. I failed with my older son and feel like i'm going to make all the same mistakes and this poor child is going to grow up angry... you all got it I haven't worked out a routine or set rules that are in writing. He even said to me "well I do all the right things at school" i wondered why the heck he was telling me this, I guess it's because there are rules at school? I'm hopeless at routines and organisation and my children are suffering.
I’m off to be and will try hard tomorrow to out a few things in place like visual clues for bedtimes... thanks again.

 

[TeDo]

It could have also been the "change in mindset" that caused the problem. That is a biggie in our house. He had it in his head that he was going to watch a movie and your plan was to read a book. I have learned to compromise with difficult child about some of these more "minor" things. We have a night time routine but there is a little flexibility. Maybe next time try "How about if I read your brother for a little bit then you can watch your movie" OR "I'll read to your brother in my room so you can watch your movie in yours" OR "How about it I read to you guys tonight and you can watch your movie tomorrow night". Don't know if any of these would work but I have found it helps in our house for some things.

 

[keista]

I'm hopeless at routines and organisation and my children are suffering.

You know what? So am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it comes to housework, I am still a difficult child. I struggle with it every day. BFF and I call it amoeba vs paramecium. Amoebas are free flowing, paramecium have a distinct shape. We are both amoebas, but she likes to make her days paramecium-like to benefit her kids - makes it easier for her as well.

Way back when son was first born, the words routine and schedule would actually send shivers down my spine. After giving it much thought, I realized that while very loose, I did have a routine/schedule. Get up, feed child, change child, drive husband to work, then go to grocery or home. Chill time until child needed to eat again - about 11-12.......etc If someone had to take ver for me at a moment's ntice, I could give them an outine of my day. There was a lot of 'unstructured' time that they would have to fill in, but is was a schedule.

Since setting up structured routines is difficult for you, get him involved. What does he like about school? How can we set up home more like school? Give him the freedom to set up his own privileges and responsibilities, and then tweak it with him to something that might work for the whole house. (this does not mean that everyone must follow these rules, but that they don't intrude too much on anybody else's 'routines'.)

It was about age 7 that son set up our eating schedule. We had a loose one, but he defined it by times. Son got breakfast, morning snack and lunch at school, but on non school days, the times for these would get muddled up, so we created a schedule we could follow that mimicked the school schedule. It really was a saving grace because DD1 was 2 1/2 at the time and constantly asking for something different to eat at different times. I had lost complete control of her "schedule" 8 years later, we still follow it. The first therapist we worked with would come to our house for sessions, and we had to work the sessions around school release time and dinner time. Early on she made a comment that "Mom needed to relax her schedule a bit" I so LOLed at her, but didn't say anything else. After a few weeks with us, she realized that Mom was WAY to relaxed, and the kids were just demanding a healthy and sound schedule. As Mom, it's my job to enforce it. These days it is getting more relaxed, but if eating gets out of hand (usually too much snacking) we go right back to it. YES, it is VERY difficult for me still, but the chaos of no schedule is even more difficult.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi,
just wanted to add support, and agree with-what others have posted here.
You are so much more knowledgeable now, I don't think you will "fail" with-this son. I have no idea if you really failed with-your other son ... as long as he's still speaking to you, there is hope.

 

[Matty's Mummy]

thanks for all the wonderful replies. i should have put as the title " i had a fight with my 7yr old over reading a book" my goodness Im the mother how do I keep stuffing up so bad? think i might count to 10 before I open my mouth lol

 

[TerryJ2]

That's not a bad idea! LOL! I mean, with-your son, not with-us. You can say anything you want here.

 

[keista]

thanks for all the wonderful replies. i should have put as the title " i had a fight with my 7yr old over reading a book" my goodness Im the mother how do I keep stuffing up so bad? think i might count to 10 before I open my mouth lol

You are NOT stuffing up so bad. You're learning a new type of kid. Someone had used a computer analogy. All kids are computers, but your son is a MAC, and most other kids are easy child's (funny it's the same initials) So, most of the information out there is for a easy child and you are trying to run a Mac with easy child info. Some things are very much the same, but others are ENTIRELY different. See, if only we got instruction manuals with our kids, it would be OK.

So since there is no instruction manual specifically for your son, you have to read generic ones and find what will work for your family. The more you learn about Asperger's, and the more you read about it, the more you will understand your child, and be able to help in a positive manner.

And yes, come open your mouth on here. Plain venting, or specific situations you need help troubleshooting. Lots of Aspie parents here with years of experience and advice.

by the way your corrected title would NOT have shocked me. Both son and DD1 would throw books at me - they just weren't having it!