Marguerite
Active Member
GOSOX, you're noticing some interesting things. This is an important part of learning to use "Explosive Child". It's important for other reasons too. Write it down in your own notes somewhere (I keep a computer text file/diary thing). Even write down the things you're SURE you'll remember - it's amazing what you don't. Make sure you date it and at some future stage when you check back, you will be pleasantly surprised at how much progress you've all made.
You really don't notice progress as much as you'd like to, because it's gradual.
You are right to avoid confrontation when she is pushing your buttons. If she is trying to upset you, don't reward her. If she is not meaning to upset you, then don't react but instead help her deal with what is upsetting her first, and maybe THEN try to teach her some tact.
We succeed best with difficult child 3 when we say (instead of smacking him down), "Honey, I know you didn't mean to sound tactless, but that was not the best way you could have phrased that. Perhaps a better way to say it would have been..."
The sort of situation we use this in - when he says something like, "I love you, Mum, I don't care that you're fat."
Or he might say to me, after I made a mistake, "What were you thinking? Why were you so stupid?"
He's not meaning to be offensive, he's just dishing out the same comments that have been directed at him by others in a similar situation. So instead of shouting at him for being rude, I just say, "It's not appropriate for you to say things like that to me or any other adult. I understand, but many others would not and would instead get very angry and offended."
It's like we constantly have to pause, and gently correct, as if we are giving him a spelling lesson and pause to correct a word's spelling before we move on with the lesson (which is life, in general). All our existence together is one long lesson.
He values his teachers. He knows he needs help, his aim is to blend in and h knows it's harder for him to do so because of his autism. But he values the help. Sometimes he gets exasperated (because it slows the flow of interactions) and that's when I back off for a while, he's had all the lessons he can handle for now. Or he might be stressed for other reasons - in an environment much more stimulating than usual, for example.
difficult child 3 & I adapt to each other. I constantly modify how much or how little I will correct him, based on my perception of the moment on what I feel he can handle. If he's had all he can take, no further correction is going to be productive. Correction which results in an explosion is counter-productive. So I often try to reduce his stress level where I can without undermining my authority. We might be in the city, for example - a stressful place for him. We might have an hour before our train leaves, and he wants an ice cream. rather than make him wait (because he will begin to nag, and I don't want to reward bad behaviour) I will often buy him one (and myself one too) then we will find a quiet place to sit for a few minutes and relax, eating an ice cream. With his stress level lowered a bit, I can push him a little more in other ways if I need to, and get away with it.
It balances out.
Things will be different to this with your daughter, I only use this as an example of how you need to always be in touch with how she is feeling and thinking, so you can maximise benefit and reduce confrontation. The end result - it's not spoiling, because the child is learning to modify bad behaviour, but the child is also learning that you are working with her to help her control her impulsivity and her temper.
She was honest with you about her feelings. That was brave of her, and a really good thing (even if it hurts to hear her say that she prefers to be in the home she grew up in). You could even give her a hug and say, "I miss it too, but I feel I need to be out of there, for reasons that are just between me and your father. I want to make a new home for us, but I also want you to feel free to be with your father too, when you feel you need to be." Let her know that you understand life hasn't been fair for her. She's too young to understand your reasons, she just has to accept that you made your choice for reasons that were important to you, and it wouldn't be good for her to have a mother who is afraid, unhappy and too stressed to be able to be as good a mother as you feel she deserves.
There will be setbacks. Progress isn't smooth. But this is a wonderful start for you, and right on the holiday season, too.
Just don't let guilt get at you in any way. Just keep moving on and keep trying to not react when she tries to push your buttons (or even pushes them accidentally). Develop a hide like a rhino, and love her unconditionally.
Sounds really good, so far.
Marg
You really don't notice progress as much as you'd like to, because it's gradual.
You are right to avoid confrontation when she is pushing your buttons. If she is trying to upset you, don't reward her. If she is not meaning to upset you, then don't react but instead help her deal with what is upsetting her first, and maybe THEN try to teach her some tact.
We succeed best with difficult child 3 when we say (instead of smacking him down), "Honey, I know you didn't mean to sound tactless, but that was not the best way you could have phrased that. Perhaps a better way to say it would have been..."
The sort of situation we use this in - when he says something like, "I love you, Mum, I don't care that you're fat."
Or he might say to me, after I made a mistake, "What were you thinking? Why were you so stupid?"
He's not meaning to be offensive, he's just dishing out the same comments that have been directed at him by others in a similar situation. So instead of shouting at him for being rude, I just say, "It's not appropriate for you to say things like that to me or any other adult. I understand, but many others would not and would instead get very angry and offended."
It's like we constantly have to pause, and gently correct, as if we are giving him a spelling lesson and pause to correct a word's spelling before we move on with the lesson (which is life, in general). All our existence together is one long lesson.
He values his teachers. He knows he needs help, his aim is to blend in and h knows it's harder for him to do so because of his autism. But he values the help. Sometimes he gets exasperated (because it slows the flow of interactions) and that's when I back off for a while, he's had all the lessons he can handle for now. Or he might be stressed for other reasons - in an environment much more stimulating than usual, for example.
difficult child 3 & I adapt to each other. I constantly modify how much or how little I will correct him, based on my perception of the moment on what I feel he can handle. If he's had all he can take, no further correction is going to be productive. Correction which results in an explosion is counter-productive. So I often try to reduce his stress level where I can without undermining my authority. We might be in the city, for example - a stressful place for him. We might have an hour before our train leaves, and he wants an ice cream. rather than make him wait (because he will begin to nag, and I don't want to reward bad behaviour) I will often buy him one (and myself one too) then we will find a quiet place to sit for a few minutes and relax, eating an ice cream. With his stress level lowered a bit, I can push him a little more in other ways if I need to, and get away with it.
It balances out.
Things will be different to this with your daughter, I only use this as an example of how you need to always be in touch with how she is feeling and thinking, so you can maximise benefit and reduce confrontation. The end result - it's not spoiling, because the child is learning to modify bad behaviour, but the child is also learning that you are working with her to help her control her impulsivity and her temper.
She was honest with you about her feelings. That was brave of her, and a really good thing (even if it hurts to hear her say that she prefers to be in the home she grew up in). You could even give her a hug and say, "I miss it too, but I feel I need to be out of there, for reasons that are just between me and your father. I want to make a new home for us, but I also want you to feel free to be with your father too, when you feel you need to be." Let her know that you understand life hasn't been fair for her. She's too young to understand your reasons, she just has to accept that you made your choice for reasons that were important to you, and it wouldn't be good for her to have a mother who is afraid, unhappy and too stressed to be able to be as good a mother as you feel she deserves.
There will be setbacks. Progress isn't smooth. But this is a wonderful start for you, and right on the holiday season, too.
Just don't let guilt get at you in any way. Just keep moving on and keep trying to not react when she tries to push your buttons (or even pushes them accidentally). Develop a hide like a rhino, and love her unconditionally.
Sounds really good, so far.
Marg
