9 year old son has no respect for anything or anyone, amoung other things

[heather31]

I am at my wits end when it comes to my son. He has been having issues for about a year and they are progressively getting worse. It started off just not doing work in school last September, then in December he got kicked off the bus for threatening to hit a classmate. We took him to see a councilor at school and he saw her for the rest of the school year. In that time he still did not do any work in school and he spent most of the school year doing all his class work at home along with his homework. He barely made it to the third grade, but thankfully he did. His temper has become out of control, more so at his fathers house than mine. He tells his father all the time that he hates him and he wants to run away, he makes fists and threatens to punch his father, he kicks little girls and tells them they are fat and ugly, he lies to me and to his father all the time, he lies to his teachers, he tries to play his father and step mother against me, knowing that we talk all the time. and he recently started peeing on his floor. when i found out he did that at my house he lied about it for about an hour then finally told me the truth and said he did it because he did not think he would make it to the bathroom. he has since done this 3 other times at my house and 4 times at his fathers house. he tells his father that he is mad and that is why he does it. he cuts all his clothes with his scissors, he breaks all his toys, he has no respect for anything and i have tried everything from grounding him, to ignoring it. I have done reward programs to promote good behavior and that only works of r a couple days. I have cleaned his room completely of all toys and made him earn them back and that too does not last. he has been physical with kids and tells his father that he hates everyone.

These issues happen more at his fathers house than my house. He is not physical with anyone at my house, but he does pee and lie and disrespect people here. he has been tested for ADHD and he does not have it. I seriously am lost right now. he had a caseworker coming to my house but she said his problems were not bad enough for her to continue. I have had crisis workers come talk to him, he has been to therapy, NOTHING works. he just seems to not care.


HELP ME!!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi, Heather...
Welcome... glad you found us, sorry you had to!

From your post, it sounds like things have gotten worse in the past year or so.
What was he like as a toddler? pre-schooler? early school years?
What kind of major events happened in the last couple of years?

We're just other parents around here, but by asking questions, parts of your story may be "been there done that" experiences for someone else...

 

[heather31]

He was a happy, loving baby and toddler. he stayed back in K because his reading was not the best but he has since gotten over that and he is 3 grade levels above where he needs to be now. I noticed that most of this started when his father returned back to their lives. for about 8 months my kids didn't see or talk to their father, but when he decided to see them again that is when this all started, and it has gotten worse since. His father is not a bad father, but my kids seem to have a hard time going there. My daughter who is 10 had zero issues. she is the dream daughter everyone wishes for, but my son acts out whenever he can. He craves attention and when he does not have it all the time, he will get it in any way that he can.

I do not have any idea if his father coming back into the picture has anything to do with this, but it did start the week after he went to his dads for the first time in 8 months, and has not stopped since.

 

[InsaneCdn]

OK, that rules out TONS of stuff.
This is not about how he is wired.

Which means... something has happened.
And it's probably more than "just" having dad back in his life.
That's too strong a correlation, though.
So, the "something" has to do with being at dad's place.

I hate to even raise the possibility, because the implications are horrific, but... any chance of sexual abuse by somebody in that setting? Not necessarily dad... a neighbor, someone else living in that home, lots of options...

 

[TeDo]

I was thinking along the same lines as IC because of the peeing stuff and the anger there. My son went through that after he was sexually abused by my teenage babysitter.

It could also be that he really is just plain mad like he said. It makes perfect sense to me and in our case the "blurts" are what they are truly feeling. In his case, his dad whom he was probably quite atttached to abandoned him for almost a year and then suddenly reappears as if nothing happened along with wife he might not like at all. Any normal kid is going to be mad. How they deal with it is where the problems lie. He seems to be lashing out at anyone and everyone but the fact that he's worse at his dads tells me that the anger has something to do with dad or something there. He needs someone safe (not his dad) and supportive that he can talk to about how he feels openly and honestly without any judgement whatsoever. He has a right to feel the way he feels and an outlet to vent them. You really need to read the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It will help you with that part and teach you to be the kind of support he probably really needs. My son has trust issues because of abandonment and I am the ONLY person he really trusts because I have always been there, I support him even when he's being difficult, I allow him to be who he is, and I validate his feelings.

Because of the other stuff, it could be just another part of the anger but it could be that he really doesn't care about material things. Some kids are like that. They value other things a lot more.

One thing you'll find is that for most of our kids here, typical discipline doesn't work. Teaching the correct way, not using rewards, does a lot more than any punishment or reward is going to.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you and welcome to our little corner of the world. Glad you found us but very sorry you needed to.

 

[BusynMember]

Peeing CAN be caused by sexual abuse. How well do you know this stepmother? Is your ex in any way a possible abuser? Sounds like the issue is HIM if he was perfect and then suddenly started acting out as soon as father came back into the picture.

Did your son have a chaotic early life, such as infancy and toddlerhood? Was he handed back and forth to different people or did his father come and go? This can affect a child's ability to attach. And his behavior could reflect an attachment issue as well.

Can you tell us a bit about his early development? Can your son make friends with his same age peers? Does he know how to relate to them? Does he make good eye contact?

Really, some of his behavior is scary (cutting the clothes). I would take him to a neuropsychologist, not a counselor, to have him intensively tested. They are both psychologists and also have gone for extra schooling to learn about brain disorders (mental illness) and in my opinion are the best diagnosticians. They can do up to ten hours of serious testing. This is the very first thing I would do. Obviously, there is something that bothers him about his father's house and maybe it is stepmother. No matter how nice she is to you, you don't know what she is really like. And you don't know what goes on with Father either. Are the step siblings older and possibly abusive? Do you know them? A neuropsychologist would be good at getting these issues out of him. Some kids act out rather than tell what is bothering them.

HUgs and welcome to our board

 

[lovelyboy]

This must be very overwhelming for you!!!!
What reasons does your children/son gives for not liking to go to dads?
Do they NEED to go?
Cant you stop the interaction and see if his behaviour improves?
Maybe he doesn't feel safe at his dads? Not knowing when he will abandon him again?

 

[TerryJ2]

Heather, I was thinking the same thing, since there is no history with your son. I mean, it really does look like a sudden onset.
I would ask your "dream daughter" if she has noticed anything. She is the oldest, and seems to have the best cognitive skills. Promise her that you will keep quiet where you got the info if she tells you anything ... but you will need to act quickly if she gives you info. You will need to protect all of them.
Just for an example of "history," my son took forever to potty train. And he has always had problems with urinating all over his room and the bathroom, and even in containers. Plus, he'd wipe feces on the walls. We let it go for way too long because we thought it was the dogs. Uh-doh.
Your son does not have that history.

 

[chloedancer]

I agree, something has triggered this. And my concerns mirror those all ready stated. But maybe it is anxiety/anger based as in " dad left once and I'm afraid he will again."