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A big thanks, a short update, and a little encouragement
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<blockquote data-quote="cakewalk" data-source="post: 629509" data-attributes="member: 7060"><p>Stress Bunny, Oh my. I remember those days (in which you are now dealing with your 20 year old) too well. I am sorry that you are in the thick of it right now. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child failed classes and was almost expelled his freshman year for plagiarism. Last year he failed a drug test for his collegiate sport jeopardizing his scholarships. He came "thisclose" to being arrested multiple times but he is a very fast runner. Yes, he literally out-ran the police on numerous occasions. My son was involved in a very serious car accident (his fault) a few years ago. I received the call from my sister that he was being brought to the hospital by ambulance with a severe head injury. I hung up the phone, told easy child about his brother, and asked him to go with me. easy child hugged me and said, "I'm sorry, Mom. I really don't want to go. Sorry." (Wow! What a statement.) I was the last family member notified and the last family member to arrive to the hospital. I was an outsider in difficult child's life.</p><p></p><p>At that moment, I realized that difficult child's poor decisions were his. I didn't have any say in his life since he left home and I certainly shouldn't carry the weight of his consequences. I only heard from my son only when he needed something and I had dreaded every call. I stopped reaching out to him. When he called, I listened to his dilemma and would say, <em>"I'm sorry that happened. What are <u>you</u> going to do?"</em> I didn't offer to fix, pay, or handle things... I just listened. When he asked for advice, I offered just a nudge in the right direction but leaving the decision and outcome his to decide. I basically removed myself from his life as he had removed me years ago.</p><p></p><p>Last Thanksgiving was the first holiday difficult child had been home since 2009. Apparently while I was out of the room, easy child sternly and without any provoking threatened difficult child with, "You wanted to be a big boy, a tough guy... Fine! Be big and tough but leave Mom out of your poor decisions and garbage life. I'm not kidding. Stop involving her or I will make it stop!" (easy child had shared that with my husband later in the week. Neither of my sons have told me that directly.)</p><p></p><p>Yes, difficult child matured. Yes, he hit rock bottom multiple times. My sister believes that difficult child, her children, and all the little children of the world are perfect. difficult child finally realized her parenting style of sticking her head in the sand and pretending everyone an angel just allowed him to do more harm to himself and his life. What originally he ran TO, he eventually ran FROM. I also think difficult child respects his brother's opinion more than any of us thought. And, my Supermom-save-the day days are over! Now difficult child calls to tell me how he handled or avoided a crisis or situation and a lot of times just to say hello! </p><p></p><p>There is no easy fix, if any. It's a process; a long and painful, never-ending (for some) process. I remember how I felt the first day I posted; it was the darkest time of my life. I am truly sorry for anyone in that place right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="cakewalk, post: 629509, member: 7060"] Stress Bunny, Oh my. I remember those days (in which you are now dealing with your 20 year old) too well. I am sorry that you are in the thick of it right now. My difficult child failed classes and was almost expelled his freshman year for plagiarism. Last year he failed a drug test for his collegiate sport jeopardizing his scholarships. He came "thisclose" to being arrested multiple times but he is a very fast runner. Yes, he literally out-ran the police on numerous occasions. My son was involved in a very serious car accident (his fault) a few years ago. I received the call from my sister that he was being brought to the hospital by ambulance with a severe head injury. I hung up the phone, told easy child about his brother, and asked him to go with me. easy child hugged me and said, "I'm sorry, Mom. I really don't want to go. Sorry." (Wow! What a statement.) I was the last family member notified and the last family member to arrive to the hospital. I was an outsider in difficult child's life. At that moment, I realized that difficult child's poor decisions were his. I didn't have any say in his life since he left home and I certainly shouldn't carry the weight of his consequences. I only heard from my son only when he needed something and I had dreaded every call. I stopped reaching out to him. When he called, I listened to his dilemma and would say, [I]"I'm sorry that happened. What are [U]you[/U] going to do?"[/I] I didn't offer to fix, pay, or handle things... I just listened. When he asked for advice, I offered just a nudge in the right direction but leaving the decision and outcome his to decide. I basically removed myself from his life as he had removed me years ago. Last Thanksgiving was the first holiday difficult child had been home since 2009. Apparently while I was out of the room, easy child sternly and without any provoking threatened difficult child with, "You wanted to be a big boy, a tough guy... Fine! Be big and tough but leave Mom out of your poor decisions and garbage life. I'm not kidding. Stop involving her or I will make it stop!" (easy child had shared that with my husband later in the week. Neither of my sons have told me that directly.) Yes, difficult child matured. Yes, he hit rock bottom multiple times. My sister believes that difficult child, her children, and all the little children of the world are perfect. difficult child finally realized her parenting style of sticking her head in the sand and pretending everyone an angel just allowed him to do more harm to himself and his life. What originally he ran TO, he eventually ran FROM. I also think difficult child respects his brother's opinion more than any of us thought. And, my Supermom-save-the day days are over! Now difficult child calls to tell me how he handled or avoided a crisis or situation and a lot of times just to say hello! There is no easy fix, if any. It's a process; a long and painful, never-ending (for some) process. I remember how I felt the first day I posted; it was the darkest time of my life. I am truly sorry for anyone in that place right now. [/QUOTE]
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