A bit of news

[Malika]

After setting out by car on the 22nd July, we yesterday arrived in Marrakesh, via 4 days in Spain with my ex-sister in law and overnight stays in hotels and with a friend who lives in Casablanca. Long days in the car (with J asking every five minutes "are we nearly there?"). In Spain, J was so happy to see and play with his four year old cousin but things did not go particularly well... He played outside with the local kids and got increasingly excited and uncontrollable, tearing an electric cable off a wall, soaking himself and others in the local fountain, behaving disrespectfully/mockingly to me and other adults... In Casa with my friend it was even worse (yes, he was tired), manically touching things, getting things out of boxes and drawers, shouting at me and saying things like "Are you stupid?" when I scolded him, and also extremely easily upset, crying and tantruming at the slightest thing. He was also quite provocative and rude to my friend. My friend was gracious and understanding but I did, yes, feel embarrassed and helpless to explain. Other than that, he had a great time on the beaches we stopped at on the way down, jumping fearlessly into huge waves and swimming in pools. This morning my ex-husband came to collect him and he has gone off to stay with the assembled family for three weeks. He was SO excited to see Daddy and said goodbye to me without a backward glance... I hope he does have fun and things go okay with him. I find this behaviour in social situations so difficult, for all concerned... My ex sister in law kept saying "It will get better in time, you'll see, he'll calm down" but I don't have such optimism.
Our relationship gets affected, I find myself disliking the behaviour so much, I get stressed and annoyed, he knows that of course and gets even more difficult. The times I managed not to get upset when he was acting up and out but spoke to him kindly and gently, he looked grateful, responded. I KNOW it's not his fault, lagging skills but really it's impossible to operate in our world as it is without those skills.

 

[TerryJ2]

Keep up the good work! If he even gives you a grateful look, you've done the right thing!
I remember when I started doing that consistently with-my difficult child and it made a huge difference.
I have to agree, he's not going to outgrow it. But he will learn to cope and perhaps find some good medications. You wouldn't be on this board with us if it was the type of thing a kid could outgrow, I think. I can't tell you how many people have told me, "Oh, three is such a hard age." "Oh, yes, 9 is such a difficult age." "15? That's the worst age." People are always making excuses ... but I'd rather have that than criticism.
Lol! "Are we nearly there?" is so typical. Funny to hear it from a kid between Marrakesh and Casa Blanca, instead of "Are we there yet?" on the way to St. Louis. It just sounds so exotic.

 

[Ktllc]

You both made it a live! That is a long trip so I can imagine how it would set J off. So much going on, so much to process. I do think it is good for him to be expose to it, to know that he can go through all the changes and survive it. Practice make perfect!
Enjoy the time you have for yourself. Try to store some energy and patience.

 

[DDD]

As you know I have been there done that...but thankfully it has been a few years. My very friendly advice is FORGET him for three weeks and enjoy YOU. I'm sure there will be contact between you but you are blessed to have a vacation from the strain of raising a challenging son. Run down a beach naked. Slug down wine. Sing from a mountain top. Do what you can do to remind yourself that you are an adult woman who deserves to pamper herself. You and J will be tight as ticks for alot of days before you get another break. Enjoy. Hugs DDD

 

[Malika]

Well, I think I might spare unsuspecting beach-goers the pleasure of seeing me running past them naked, lol, but I will take the opportunity for some R and R, yes.
I have to say I truly had NO doubt about J's ADHD on this trip. It's so clear. And I also confess that I found myself thinking/fantasising about him taking medication more than once... but the side effects still really scare me and I don't know when and if I will get to the point of saying okay, let's try this. I may have no choice in the matter if he continues to get "worse".

 

[DDD]

You adapt, lol. My first ADHDer is almost fifty. It ain't easy BUT enjoying breaks is very important for you and for your son. Yeah I think naked is a bit extreme, LOL. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

Long days in the car

Malika, you are way braver than me. A WEEK's trip? by car? with a difficult child and nobody else?
Often, difficult children can't handle transitions well (lots on the trip), can't handle long days well (how else do you make time?), and get bored easily.
And he's too young for all the classical time-killers in the car. But most of those require more people...

At least you got there safe and sound.

 

[Malika]

Well, it's not the first time we've done that trip - we also did it last year, there and back! Breaking routines is not good for any kid, of course, and this is how the difficult child erupts, I know... As Ktllc said, though, I do in some respects want to continue living as though J were any child, giving him the chance to cope and learn with change and transition. I was sad for him he couldn't stay longer in Spain - he and the little four year old there are close and it was sweet to see them walking with their arms round each others' shoulders and laughing together (when they weren't quarrelling about toys). I had wanted him to stay there while I go to the UK and my ex-sister in law was very willing to take him. Her husband, though, said that he could not, that because of his hyperactivity it was too much of a risk and a responsbility...

 

[DammitJanet]

I am actually thrilled for him that he got to take that trip. Oh well he had some issues. Most kids will. You take along car toys that are only for the car so they make it fun. We have a dvd in the car and handheld video games. We take along lots of those write on toys that you can then dry erase. Also coloring books and books on tape. Plenty of snacks and drinks in sippy cups which mean plenty of potty breaks so they can run off energy.