A bit of peace would

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Apr 24, 2011.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    be nice. I am seriously tired (and angry) of having to walk on eggshells in my own house. husband and I tag team so much just to get a hint of some peace.

    Of course, difficult child is constant and easy child/difficult child is almost as constant. However, the reason we are walking on eggshells is easy child/difficult child's treatment of difficult child. She is under the impression that it is o.k. to berate, bully, humiliate, and otherwise bother her brother. She also loves to watch for every wrong move difficult child makes and it is driving husband and me to the edge.

    If he talks to her she screams at him. If he is standing near where she is going then she has to make a rude comment to him about moving his "fat self"(her words) out of the way. If he asks us how to spell something or what something says (he still is barely reading) she asks him why he has to be so stupid. If he looks at her the wrong way she screams.

    While I'm typing this she got into an argument with him and me and said out loud how she is so much better than him.

    Nothing we do or take away seems to make a difference. She goes to therapy and is on medications that is helping in other ways but not with him. I get that she is angry with him, feels he has ruined her life, hates him, etc... I'm just asking her to show a little respect. Right now difficult child is afraid to stay home with her and I don't really blame him. Of course, that makes things harder on husband and me but easy child/difficult child doesn't care.

    I've even told her if she needs to express these things to do it out of earshot. Nope-not good enough-grrrr.

    Argh!!! I want to start making Easter dinner but have to wait until husband is available because to leave difficult child and easy child/difficult child in a room together isn't possible. Getting either to leave the room involves major work.

    We've told easy child/difficult child that she may have to move out when she turns 18 if she continues on with this. Of course, she says she will hate us forever and never talk to us again. She is so stubborn she probably never will. Still we may have to do it.

    Any ideas on what to do in a situation like this? Thanks for listening to my vent!
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    A locked remote control shock collar? No practical advice, I was raised an only kid and mine is an only kid, so I've never had to deal with something like this, but your frustration comes through loud and clear. Can you find shores for them to do that keep them away from each other? Who wants to help in kitchen and who wants to go do whatever?
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Wiped, I have been there done that with my 2. It is horrible. I usually end up taking the time and energy (and it does take a lot) to get them both to their bedrooms. It sounds like she is very very resentful of the time and energy he takes, and how that takes attention away from her. Sure that is not news to you. Would it be worth trying a different AD? Not sure if she has ever taken anything except for wellbutrin. I really hate it when the higher functioning kiddo picks on the other one just to set them off.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Have you asked her why she feels the need to be so mean? Miss KT is an only child, so I don't have the first-hand, day-to-day thing going like you do, but I wonder if there's a way to "put a knot in her tail," as my Nana used to say, by treating her as you would anyone else who entered your home and insulted your son.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HaoZi-I love the remote control shock collar idea-lol! I also had to laugh at the typo when you meant chores and wrote shores-at first I thought what a great idea-I'll send one to the Atlantic shore and one to the Pacific-:)

    CM-Yep, she is super resentful. We always tried to give her special time-I do understand how she feels because difficult child is so consuming. She has tried Prozac, Zoloft, and now the Wellbutrin.

    Mary-We've asked her. She says because she hates him and has ruined every day of her life (just a "bit" of anger and resentment built up). husband rarely blows but has a couple times over this issue. It doesn't even phase her-quiets her down for a bit but then she goes right back to it.
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Shores... LMAO. Freudian slip maybe.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Just a thought, but they use low doses of abilify as an add on AD. fwiw.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    She already hates everyone. If she is going to hate everyone, doing it in her own apartment might make life less ugly for all four of you.
    You will always feel bad, guilty, angry. She has more ability to cope than difficult child but she has decided to drop down to the lowest level of tolerance. Maybe she should move in with an aunt or grandparent for a while.
    I'm sorry she ended up making these last few years worse than they had to be.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry...

    Sadly, I can relate. This is almost exactly what we deal with day after day after day.

    Our solution is just to keep them separated almost all the time. It's a sad way to run a family....but I think it would be sadder to let a child suffer constant bullying in the name of "family togetherness".
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... Around here, we work on "same rules for everyone", except we don't call them rules. (rules = current hot-spots, closely monitored and enforced, max 3) Expectations... are limited to 3 - that is, three expectations, one word each. And yes, they apply to Mom and Dad too.

    With a 14yr old "him" (25 million problems) plus a 12.75 year old "her"(a couple of problems)... we don't have as MUCH resentment etc. as you have - but there have been times when its been really bad. Our biggest win has been the "same expectations for everyone". The expectations are not some complicated rule book, they are simple. Things like "respect". If what you're doing or not doing violates one of those three, you get called on it, and "re-do"... she gets called on it often enough that he doesn't feel picked on and she can't get feeling too superior. Sometimes have to call Mom or Dad on it, too (bad days - we all have them). We handle differences in expectations by finding ways to be fair but not equal... It helped when we figured out that some simple chores that he can do, are things she hates to do. So, we make sure he covers those for her (turns out he doesn't mind).

    But this probably only works if the gap isn't too wide between them in age and/or intellect.
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, it seems to me that easy child/difficult child has a bit too much power ~ she's a verbal bully. You know it, I know it & I believe she knows it. This is likely the same kid who will come home in tears if she's bullied by someone at school. She has the entire family on edge & a bit like my wm, is likely enjoying the outcome of antics.

    It's unfortunate that easy child/difficult child hasn't a clue or doesn't care the impact this has on the entire family. Has difficult child the skills to not react to her nonsense? To just up & walk away with-o responding in anyway? It may be time for you, husband & difficult child to leave the building (room) when easy child/difficult child is talking trash to anyone.

    What's so very sad is that she continues to ostracize herself from her main support system while trying to prove to herself that she is "superior" to those around her.
  13. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Garden of Eden -- if she cannot be nice to her family members, then all of the benefits that she gets as being part of your family cease (no cell phone, no tv, no car, etc.)
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CM-I'll keep in mind the Abilify. Right now we are still building up on the Risperdone.

    Fran-We have thought about her going to live with an aunt. She would be furious but even the psychiatrist has mentioned that it might be a good idea.

    Terry-Thanks for the hugs.

    DF-Yep, we do a lot of keeping them separate. We have to for everyone's sanity.

    InsaneCdn-Some good ideas-I like the doing someone else's chores idea. There is a fairly large gap (4 years) and difficult child is way behind intellectually and easy child is ahead intellectually.

    TL-She is definitely a bully and she does know it! Unfortunately difficult child doesn't have the skills to not get into it with her even though we have tried to talk with him about it.

    JJJ-I love the idea of taking the cell phone away. Right now since she is actually (finally) becoming social again it might really but her to be with-o her phone.
  15. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Sharon, I have the same problem. difficult child is almost 11 and easy child is 8 and he constantly picks at her. I read every response to this post and it really hit home when KTMom said that you wouldn't let anyone else treat your child like that. Why allow your own child to pick on the other. ( I know that is not verbatim and ran on sorry) WOW ... Please let me know if things improve and I will do the same. Shelly
  16. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Sharon, I would definitely look at the Welbutrin. I've known several people on it, including myself, who had intense irritability and aggression while taking it.
  17. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I would understand if easy child/difficult child were 11 - but she is a woman about to graduate from high school. This is unacceptable.

    When difficult child was physically abusive, you did something immediately.

    easy child/difficult child should not get away with being verbally abusive.

    I would worry not one bit about taking away the cell phone. You are not responsible for her social life - just because she is becoming more social doesn't mean she gets a pass. Her becoming more social is having no effect on her ability to function in the family.

    The fact that you couldn't prepare Easter dinner because your 17 year old daughter wouldn't leave your 13 year old alone is crazy. Why didn't you sent her to her room for being a pain?

    Sorry I seem so harsh, but I just feel so much for you and husband - you have done so much for your children and there is such little peace.