I am sorry to sound so needy. I truly NEED some reassurances and support right now. I list some things gfgbro has done because Wiz mentioned them recently to me - stuff I didn't know he even knew. Thank you for reading what you can of this and for any replies. I am beginning to really dread my forays into CrazyTown.
My aunt, M, is in town. I asked if there was a night/afternoon we could come over to visit. Mom has forgotten when she has an appointment, so that will have to be figured in.
Otherwise they are planning dinner with gfgbro most nights so they can see my niece. Because spending time with the grandkids is SO extremely important to my aunt.
Come on. Really??? Every freakin' night???
My mom and aunt seem to be using my aunt's visit as a way to push contact with gfgbro. I am SOOOO not amused.
M is one of my favorite people, in spite of her meddling. I will HATE not being able to see her, but I am totally willing to miss her if she insists that gfgbro be there.
Game playing hoovers and I am NOT willing to give in - not when it will cause panic attacks in my kids.
They are going to have to decide if it is worthwhile to NOT see my children during this visit. With all the emphasis on seeing the grandkids, and the fact that half of the grandkids live with me, I guess they have some thinking to do.
Maybe they DON"T really value the grandkids the way they say they do. Time will tell.
Wiz will not spend time with the adults if gfgbro is there. If he is home, he goes to his room or puts headphones on and says he has "work" to do on his laptop. He doesn't dislike gfgbro, he HATES him. He sees NO redeeming qualities in gfgbro and is extremely angry with gfgbro for the way gfgbro treats us, esp Jessie and I. Wiz is of the opinion that Jess and I esp have gone through more than enough with him that we deserve NO crud from anyone, esp someone we have done as much for as we have done for gfgbro. I was totally shocked when Wiz told me this, but he feels very strongly about it.
I didn't know Wiz knew half of what we have done for gfgbro - given him $$ (not that he remembers it, says I forged the IOU that I never asked for), housed him and his stuff for up to 6 weeks at a time - time gfgbro didn't even help pay for food and he eats a TON, over a month of work planning his wedding and reception, the weeks I let my own kids mostly alone while I helped exSIL with her newborn as she was deep into postpartum depression/psychosis, the list is unending. Heck, I pretty much furnished an apartment right down to utensils and sheets for him at one point - even to providing decorations for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Bdays, etc...
This is the list Wiz gave me - most of it I didn't even think he was aware of!!
He also told me that gfgbro did some pretty awful stuff the few times he babysat the kids so that husband and I could have a date. From insisting that they drink beer (putting it in a baby bottle for Jess when she was a few months old and later for thank you, mostly for thank you because we made a HUGE deal out of discovering it after he did it for Jessie), to making them try copenhagen - putting it on sandwiches if they refused. Even to giving thank you 8 times the dose of benadryl that he was supposed to have for allergies as an infant - we had to take ALL the kids to the ER at children's after that - it cost us about $1500 and a GIANT lecture from the docs and social workers!
There was also some comments about taking Wiz to a brothel because he needed to "learn" about sex from someone who was really knowledgeable and that is the best way to do it - Wiz was 12 at the time and after that he refused to go anywhere with gfgbro because he was afraid that he would be taken to a brothel and forced into this!!! At the time he was afraid to tell us about it because we didn't trust him because the lies he was known to tell.
He didn't know that gfgbro had talked about this for years, saying that if he had a son or custody of a boy that he would take them to a ho for "lessons". He would ask about AIDS so he would be sure the boy wouldn't get it (of course that makes a lot of sense, NOT). Had he told us we would never have allowed bro near him, but Wiz did lie a LOT so he just refused to do anything with gfgbro.
This is ALL stuff that according to my mom I should forget if I truly forgive gfgbro. Real forgiveness is NOT forgetting, it is moving on. If you truly repent you won't repeat the behavior, which, in my opinion, is necessary for real forgiveness to happen. I forgive gfgbro for this stuff, but I won't allow it to happen again, esp to my children.
If that is somehow being vindictive, then so be it. I don't think gfgbro has repented, but that is not my problem as long as he doesn't come here. I am SURE I will be tested, but I won't fail my kids again by allowing contact with gfgbro - even if it means never seeing my aunt when she visits.
Am I on the right track, forgiving him in my heart because he is sick, but having to cut contact because it is so scary and painful for my kids and myself? I don't FEEL vindictive, or grudge holding, and I truly pray that gfgbro can at some point see how wrong he is and get help. I do feel scared and anxious, but it seems like a reasonable way to feel. It also seems very irrespnsible to keep allowing him to contact my kids, which is why I don't allow it. Am I crazy? Am I wrong to insist on this?
I keep getting messages that I am wrong/nuts/crazy/mean/vindictive/holding a grudge/and so much more. I don't feel that way. Counselors have urged me to cut contact with gfgbro for over 15 years - every therapist we have ever seen has said this if issues about gfgbro came up.
My aunt, M, is in town. I asked if there was a night/afternoon we could come over to visit. Mom has forgotten when she has an appointment, so that will have to be figured in.
Otherwise they are planning dinner with gfgbro most nights so they can see my niece. Because spending time with the grandkids is SO extremely important to my aunt.
Come on. Really??? Every freakin' night???
My mom and aunt seem to be using my aunt's visit as a way to push contact with gfgbro. I am SOOOO not amused.
M is one of my favorite people, in spite of her meddling. I will HATE not being able to see her, but I am totally willing to miss her if she insists that gfgbro be there.
Game playing hoovers and I am NOT willing to give in - not when it will cause panic attacks in my kids.
They are going to have to decide if it is worthwhile to NOT see my children during this visit. With all the emphasis on seeing the grandkids, and the fact that half of the grandkids live with me, I guess they have some thinking to do.
Maybe they DON"T really value the grandkids the way they say they do. Time will tell.
Wiz will not spend time with the adults if gfgbro is there. If he is home, he goes to his room or puts headphones on and says he has "work" to do on his laptop. He doesn't dislike gfgbro, he HATES him. He sees NO redeeming qualities in gfgbro and is extremely angry with gfgbro for the way gfgbro treats us, esp Jessie and I. Wiz is of the opinion that Jess and I esp have gone through more than enough with him that we deserve NO crud from anyone, esp someone we have done as much for as we have done for gfgbro. I was totally shocked when Wiz told me this, but he feels very strongly about it.
I didn't know Wiz knew half of what we have done for gfgbro - given him $$ (not that he remembers it, says I forged the IOU that I never asked for), housed him and his stuff for up to 6 weeks at a time - time gfgbro didn't even help pay for food and he eats a TON, over a month of work planning his wedding and reception, the weeks I let my own kids mostly alone while I helped exSIL with her newborn as she was deep into postpartum depression/psychosis, the list is unending. Heck, I pretty much furnished an apartment right down to utensils and sheets for him at one point - even to providing decorations for Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Bdays, etc...
This is the list Wiz gave me - most of it I didn't even think he was aware of!!
He also told me that gfgbro did some pretty awful stuff the few times he babysat the kids so that husband and I could have a date. From insisting that they drink beer (putting it in a baby bottle for Jess when she was a few months old and later for thank you, mostly for thank you because we made a HUGE deal out of discovering it after he did it for Jessie), to making them try copenhagen - putting it on sandwiches if they refused. Even to giving thank you 8 times the dose of benadryl that he was supposed to have for allergies as an infant - we had to take ALL the kids to the ER at children's after that - it cost us about $1500 and a GIANT lecture from the docs and social workers!
There was also some comments about taking Wiz to a brothel because he needed to "learn" about sex from someone who was really knowledgeable and that is the best way to do it - Wiz was 12 at the time and after that he refused to go anywhere with gfgbro because he was afraid that he would be taken to a brothel and forced into this!!! At the time he was afraid to tell us about it because we didn't trust him because the lies he was known to tell.
He didn't know that gfgbro had talked about this for years, saying that if he had a son or custody of a boy that he would take them to a ho for "lessons". He would ask about AIDS so he would be sure the boy wouldn't get it (of course that makes a lot of sense, NOT). Had he told us we would never have allowed bro near him, but Wiz did lie a LOT so he just refused to do anything with gfgbro.
This is ALL stuff that according to my mom I should forget if I truly forgive gfgbro. Real forgiveness is NOT forgetting, it is moving on. If you truly repent you won't repeat the behavior, which, in my opinion, is necessary for real forgiveness to happen. I forgive gfgbro for this stuff, but I won't allow it to happen again, esp to my children.
If that is somehow being vindictive, then so be it. I don't think gfgbro has repented, but that is not my problem as long as he doesn't come here. I am SURE I will be tested, but I won't fail my kids again by allowing contact with gfgbro - even if it means never seeing my aunt when she visits.
Am I on the right track, forgiving him in my heart because he is sick, but having to cut contact because it is so scary and painful for my kids and myself? I don't FEEL vindictive, or grudge holding, and I truly pray that gfgbro can at some point see how wrong he is and get help. I do feel scared and anxious, but it seems like a reasonable way to feel. It also seems very irrespnsible to keep allowing him to contact my kids, which is why I don't allow it. Am I crazy? Am I wrong to insist on this?
I keep getting messages that I am wrong/nuts/crazy/mean/vindictive/holding a grudge/and so much more. I don't feel that way. Counselors have urged me to cut contact with gfgbro for over 15 years - every therapist we have ever seen has said this if issues about gfgbro came up.
