ScentofCedar
New Member
I remember how much hope it gave me to learn that one of our kids seemed to have turned a very good corner in their lives.
That is why I am posting.
If anyone remembers, there was a time a few months back when difficult child began calling more often. For the most part, the calls were positive. It was difficult to trust that change was occurring. husband and I fell into trusting and hoping only to learn we had been manipulated ~ but then, not only did difficult child not attempt to act on things the way he might have in the past, but he actually sabotaged his own efforts in that direction.
And we never heard another breath of that particular plan.
Part of the reason for that, I think, is that I was able to come here and learn from all of you how to stay centered in my belief about the nature of the problems difficult child was having. I reviewed the "what do we say when they call" posts in our archives. I was no longer afraid of difficult child's anger and so, was untouched by his accusations, or his denials. Over the months that have passed since those initial phone calls, difficult child has begun to sound more and more like the son we raised. (Among the things I consistently told difficult child was that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing.)
I got in that piece about not using drugs every chance I had, in every conversation.
If he had never called us again, it would have been preferable, for both husband and I, to having to watch our son destroy himself in all the Technicolor details.
That was a piece in our changed interactions with our son too, I think.
We had made a decision about what our boundaries and expectations were of our relationship with our son.
Then, there was something difficult child wanted. It was only an old truck. difficult child would not hear anything about looking for a truck (and would not consider a car) in the state he is in or even, in the state we are in.
He wanted the truck from home.
He had the money to get there, and the plan to get there and get home again.
So, we gave him the truck. He paid for his bus ticket to get there (Wisconsin), got his paperwork in order (license and title and so on) and, though he has a key and could have settled in to the house there, turned right back around and headed for home. On the way, someone he had interviewed with earlier in the week called with a job offer in difficult child's field.
difficult child interviewed again the next day (the day he got home again, after having taken the bus to Wisconsin, taken care of all his paperwork, and driving 1200 miles back to New Orleans all in the space of six days).
And he got the job and started this morning.
He sounds great ~ no whining, no blaming, very appreciative (still a little hard-headed but he made it just fine).
So, that's the story.
We aren't experiencing any wild flashes of hope or elation. What's lost is lost, for us and for our son and extended family. But if he makes it this time, there are still so many years for honest relationship to reform. He did see one of his grandmothers while he was up North.
(She is Italian, and you know how good Italian grandmas are at assuring their grandchildren they are loved!)
But difficult child did not take advantage of anyone.
He had made a tough choice, but this is how he wanted to do it, and he did it successfully.
difficult child is 33, now.
If anyone had told me six months ago that this outcome was even a possibility, I am not sure I would have believed them.
But it is happening.
It could all change in an instant, of course ~ but he had a thousand dollars in cash (that he had earned himself) and picked to do this with it instead of blowing it on drugs.
So...say a little prayer for our difficult child that this time, the addiction won't win.
Barbara
That is why I am posting.
If anyone remembers, there was a time a few months back when difficult child began calling more often. For the most part, the calls were positive. It was difficult to trust that change was occurring. husband and I fell into trusting and hoping only to learn we had been manipulated ~ but then, not only did difficult child not attempt to act on things the way he might have in the past, but he actually sabotaged his own efforts in that direction.
And we never heard another breath of that particular plan.
Part of the reason for that, I think, is that I was able to come here and learn from all of you how to stay centered in my belief about the nature of the problems difficult child was having. I reviewed the "what do we say when they call" posts in our archives. I was no longer afraid of difficult child's anger and so, was untouched by his accusations, or his denials. Over the months that have passed since those initial phone calls, difficult child has begun to sound more and more like the son we raised. (Among the things I consistently told difficult child was that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing.)
I got in that piece about not using drugs every chance I had, in every conversation.
If he had never called us again, it would have been preferable, for both husband and I, to having to watch our son destroy himself in all the Technicolor details.
That was a piece in our changed interactions with our son too, I think.
We had made a decision about what our boundaries and expectations were of our relationship with our son.
Then, there was something difficult child wanted. It was only an old truck. difficult child would not hear anything about looking for a truck (and would not consider a car) in the state he is in or even, in the state we are in.
He wanted the truck from home.
He had the money to get there, and the plan to get there and get home again.
So, we gave him the truck. He paid for his bus ticket to get there (Wisconsin), got his paperwork in order (license and title and so on) and, though he has a key and could have settled in to the house there, turned right back around and headed for home. On the way, someone he had interviewed with earlier in the week called with a job offer in difficult child's field.
difficult child interviewed again the next day (the day he got home again, after having taken the bus to Wisconsin, taken care of all his paperwork, and driving 1200 miles back to New Orleans all in the space of six days).
And he got the job and started this morning.
He sounds great ~ no whining, no blaming, very appreciative (still a little hard-headed but he made it just fine).
So, that's the story.
We aren't experiencing any wild flashes of hope or elation. What's lost is lost, for us and for our son and extended family. But if he makes it this time, there are still so many years for honest relationship to reform. He did see one of his grandmothers while he was up North.
(She is Italian, and you know how good Italian grandmas are at assuring their grandchildren they are loved!)
But difficult child did not take advantage of anyone.
He had made a tough choice, but this is how he wanted to do it, and he did it successfully.
difficult child is 33, now.
If anyone had told me six months ago that this outcome was even a possibility, I am not sure I would have believed them.
But it is happening.
It could all change in an instant, of course ~ but he had a thousand dollars in cash (that he had earned himself) and picked to do this with it instead of blowing it on drugs.
So...say a little prayer for our difficult child that this time, the addiction won't win.
Barbara
