A breath of hope...maybe

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ScentofCedar, Jun 6, 2008.

  1. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I remember how much hope it gave me to learn that one of our kids seemed to have turned a very good corner in their lives.

    That is why I am posting.

    If anyone remembers, there was a time a few months back when difficult child began calling more often. For the most part, the calls were positive. It was difficult to trust that change was occurring. husband and I fell into trusting and hoping only to learn we had been manipulated ~ but then, not only did difficult child not attempt to act on things the way he might have in the past, but he actually sabotaged his own efforts in that direction.

    And we never heard another breath of that particular plan.

    Part of the reason for that, I think, is that I was able to come here and learn from all of you how to stay centered in my belief about the nature of the problems difficult child was having. I reviewed the "what do we say when they call" posts in our archives. I was no longer afraid of difficult child's anger and so, was untouched by his accusations, or his denials. Over the months that have passed since those initial phone calls, difficult child has begun to sound more and more like the son we raised. (Among the things I consistently told difficult child was that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing.)

    I got in that piece about not using drugs every chance I had, in every conversation.

    If he had never called us again, it would have been preferable, for both husband and I, to having to watch our son destroy himself in all the Technicolor details.

    That was a piece in our changed interactions with our son too, I think.

    We had made a decision about what our boundaries and expectations were of our relationship with our son.

    Then, there was something difficult child wanted. It was only an old truck. difficult child would not hear anything about looking for a truck (and would not consider a car) in the state he is in or even, in the state we are in.

    He wanted the truck from home.

    He had the money to get there, and the plan to get there and get home again.

    So, we gave him the truck. He paid for his bus ticket to get there (Wisconsin), got his paperwork in order (license and title and so on) and, though he has a key and could have settled in to the house there, turned right back around and headed for home. On the way, someone he had interviewed with earlier in the week called with a job offer in difficult child's field.

    difficult child interviewed again the next day (the day he got home again, after having taken the bus to Wisconsin, taken care of all his paperwork, and driving 1200 miles back to New Orleans all in the space of six days).

    And he got the job and started this morning.

    He sounds great ~ no whining, no blaming, very appreciative (still a little hard-headed but he made it just fine).

    So, that's the story.

    We aren't experiencing any wild flashes of hope or elation. What's lost is lost, for us and for our son and extended family. But if he makes it this time, there are still so many years for honest relationship to reform. He did see one of his grandmothers while he was up North.
    (She is Italian, and you know how good Italian grandmas are at assuring their grandchildren they are loved!)

    But difficult child did not take advantage of anyone.

    He had made a tough choice, but this is how he wanted to do it, and he did it successfully.

    difficult child is 33, now.

    If anyone had told me six months ago that this outcome was even a possibility, I am not sure I would have believed them.

    But it is happening.

    It could all change in an instant, of course ~ but he had a thousand dollars in cash (that he had earned himself) and picked to do this with it instead of blowing it on drugs.

    So...say a little prayer for our difficult child that this time, the addiction won't win.


  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I really enjoyed reading your post, Barbara. I remember all of the pain you went through with difficult child, and how hard it was to let go of his manipulations. I'm glad that he was able to spend some time with his grandmother and that it was pleasant for everyone.

    I think there is always hope that there are times like these, and hope that they can continue. I also think that you probably empowered him more that you are giving yourself credit for by not engaging with him when he was taking advantage. You both grew and benefited from your detachment.

    Way To Go!
  3. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    Thanks, Witz!


  4. chrisdog01

    chrisdog01 New Member

    I'm fairly new here, so it's really encouraging to hear that a difficult child finally starting to see the light. Good luck with everything. I hope it the good news continues.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Reading things like this gives me hope for Miss KT. Thank you so much for sharing this.
  6. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Well, I for one, think you have every right to absolutely go with those "flashes of wild hope and elation." Why not? What happened before was then, and this is now. And, if things don't work out, and you're disappointed, at least you'll have had this moment.
  7. judi

    judi Active Member

    Barbara - thanks for the positive update! My difficult child turned 23 this week - do I have another 10 years - lol???
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks so much for sharing - you are so eloquent in your writing I enjoy reading your posts - I am so glad to hear that maybe they can be "normal" or what we used to know them as - I am glad for you Barbara - you have been very faithful to me when times were bad - I will continue tohope that your son has turned a corner to live his life as he needs to and you need to see him do - for your sake as a mother it makes us feel so good to see them happy and healthy - that is all we want but WE have to do it the tough way - my son will go to court for his hearing on Tuesday - I will not go - please keep me in your prayers.
  9. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Barbara, thank you so much for sharing and spreading your "hope" to us. It helps us all to believe that change IS possible for our sons and daughters too....

    I know what you mean. It is hard not to feel guarded. To be wary of letting yourself hope that the small changes will blossom into larger ones and that the child you used to have will return. It's like you have built a wall around your heart and you are afraid of taking it down, because you have been wounded so many times before.

    I hope for you, and for all of us, that we can enjoy these little glimmers of hope and use them to light the dark times.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thank you for sharing your hope with us. It really does mean a lot to hear that one of our kids is making good choices.

    It is also, for me, reassuring to hear that you are not abandoning all the detachment but are entertaining the idea that there are good choices being made. AND to hear you when you talk about all the years left for relationships between your difficult child and the rest of you to reform.


  11. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    It made my heart sing!:crazy1:
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara...I think a kernel of satisfaction is being planted. Both in him and in you. Well done.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Barb what a wonderful post to read. I'm just grinning from ear to ear for you both. I so hope his feet have set upon the right path at last.

  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow, Barbara, I got all teared up reading your post. This has been a long time coming. I'm so happy for you family.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know I read that, and then re read it because I thought - IT IS ABOUT TIME that Barbara get to write something so beautiful and moving about her son.

    It's been quite a struggle for you to stick by your guns, I know, but you did and it's paid off and there just can not be any more beautiful compliment to a Mother as a child that just 'is'.

    I think it allows us the opportunity to peek into a room that we get shut out of a lot - and you think so casually on the outside "Oh Good, he's getting it, now I can find my zen" and on the inside your brain is doing the macarena at a Mardi Gras party and throwing beads to the crowd.

    Delighted for you oh Mint Green Aura. I think it is shining just a bit more bright tonight- just delightful!

  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I remember the day(s) we created that thread, Barbara. You were in such despair; so frustrated and bewildered and at the end of your rope.

    It has been such a good thread. I'm so pleased that you still refer to it now and then- I find myself gravitating to it when I need a "refresher course" or if I want a reminder of how far we've come.

    And you have certainly come a long way. I'm pleased for your difficult child's forward motion but most of all, I am so proud of you.

  17. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Thanks, everyone. :)

    We have been through so much together, here on this Board.

    Your responses mean alot to me.

  18. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    A breath of hope! Nice. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

  19. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member


    First of all, thank you so much for sharing that with us.

    I share that glimmer of hope with you, that this time he will finally "get it." It certainly sounds good.

    But please keep us updated with what happens.

    I truly want to know how it goes.

    I also have referred to that post in the archives, and found it helpful.

    You are in my thoughts such a lot lately, and I will pray that this is "it."

    Love, Esther
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Barbara - How long has your son been out of your house? Did you keep in touch with him or has he been on his own? I just wonder for my own sake how to do it better than I have in the past. It seems your courage and faithfulness maybe has paid off - I wish to be as tough as you.