A change in life...a really big change

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DammitJanet, Jul 24, 2009.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For all of our lives together Tony has been the main bread winner in our family. He has been the rock that has held our little family together and worked so hard to keep us on a steady path. He has worked in a very physically demanding job first in commercial concrete form construction then moved into commercial drywall and metal stud construction. It provided for us, not always really well, but we always had food and a roof but it has taken a real toll on his body. He has two knees that are starting to bother him and a shoulder that is starting to go, plus tendinitis in one elbow. All from working but of course, he cant prove it to use workman's comp and he has no other insurance.

    Well, Jamie has found another job that seems perfect for him. The job is removing wildlife from peoples homes that animal control doesnt handle. Wildlife that get into peoples homes and end up not able to be found because they hide or get into walls or chimneys. This company sometimes has to leave cages or maybe cut into a wall or two and then go back and repair the damage so they need someone with construction experience. They also need someone trustworthy because they have had to fire a few folks for stealing. Tony would never do that.

    Now for the downside.

    We would have to move. Up to Jamies. We would be living in Jamies basement for awhile. Ugh. We would be leaving Cory and Billy behind. We would probably ask Cory to move in with Billy so that they could both keep the bills up on our place. I am not sure Billy could do it on his own and I dont know that Cory could do it on his own. I think they need each other. I dont know that they can stand each other 24/7. Also means we leave Keyana and I dont know how much contact we would get after that. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I cant tell you how much I have cried over that alone. I think that is what is bothering me the most.

    It also means I have to change doctors. And switch my disability stuff. And I would just stop therapy. I cant imagine ever finding another therapist like the one I have now and I dont even want to try. I talked to Joy yesterday about this and she asked me if I thought I was ready to end therapy and I told her that 6 months ago I would have told her Hell no, but now, maybe I am. There is a song I love that has a line in it that says "Ive been to paradise, but Ive never been to me." Well, I think I have found me now. Im not perfect, I never will be. I still have a ton of problems. I am still borderline, I am still bipolar, I still have all my physical problems but I think I have more tools to handle my emotions now. I know how to deal with what life throws at me in better ways and I know why I react the way I do. I also know Joy is always at the end of an email or the cell phone should I need her. She will never turn me away.

    I have always trusted Tony to do what is right for me. I think I need to trust him again to do what is right now. I cant ask him to work himself to death just because I dont want to leave one grandchild and one son because I am afraid that they cant make it without me. Cory has shown us that he can. I have to have faith that the right things will happen.

  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Janet... This is a hard one. I'm going to go out on a limb and say... This is such a big change that I don't know if I could do it.

    I'm going to go rattle some beads and give this some thought and then get back to you.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This sounds very hard...

    But on the other hand--you love your SO and you cannot have him literally work himself to death (which you know he would do if you asked).

    Perhaps it is a blessing disguised as hardship...?

    Here's hoping--

  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You sound like you've really given this a lot of thought, Janet. And although it's a big change, it's probably a necessary one like you've said. Most important, you sound like you truly are ready to take this leap and that you are able to let go of the things that would keep you from making this move.

    It sounds like the perfect job for Tony. And this sounds like it could be an opportunity for Cory to step up and take the reins for his life in both hands. I think you'll find a way to make it work. And I think it will be like DaisyFace says... a blessing in disguise!

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We talked about this on and off all the way to Ohio and back. When the tears would flow down my face he would look away and say he would just stay with the job he has. I dont see how I can ask him to work his way into an early grave just to make things easier for me right now when we dont know for sure that things will always be this way. For all we know, Lindsey may move in a year or two because her husband is in the army! Then we would have stayed here to be with Keyana for nothing.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That is tough, Janet. I thinkk you are approaching this with the best attitude though and I'm sure Tony must be struggling some with it, too. I would think that at some point, Cory and maybe Billy would makee a move closer to you. Of course, that doesn't help with Keyana bbut maybe something could ensure that you still see her- lkike a future court date establshing visitation. I can't say I would mind you moving to Jamie's area because we would probably finally be able to meet!
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Janet -

    Is it possible that you could leave what you have and give what you want to try a trial period and should it not work out the way you wanted put things in place to come back to what you had?

    I'm sure you have already done a ton of homework on what you and Tony would need to start a business there (License, insurance etc) and I have heard that some states give MORE in benefits for disability maybe where you are going it would be so?

    Cory is only - what???? Five hours from us <------> either way? LOL....you/me...haha.

    I think this is exciting and scary all at the same time. More exciting that scary - What's Tony think about it all?
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well we would never actually move this place. It is a doublewide and they just dont move well. It would also be really expensive and parks are hard to find up there and land is prohibitive. I also doubt Cory would ever leave this area. It is home to him even if it is the armpit of America. LOL. Billy might move...dunno. I dont know if Jamie would have room for anyone else until we found a new place though. If I go up, I would have to have the entire basement or it just wouldnt work. I need my own space. I dont mind sharing the laundry room but that is it. I need getaway space. I cant just go up and have a bedroom and be expected to live in the house with everyone else...not gonna happen. It will have to be like a separate apartment so to speak. I need a place to be alone and unwind or I will go completely crazy...lmao.

    We also may come back here when we retire completely. If Cory gets this place he plans to refurbish it because he will be paying no rent, just the bills and the tax payments. Not a bad deal. I dont worry so much anymore about him tearing the place up like we used to. I wouldnt want to ever leave it empty. That is inviting trouble.

    In all likelihood, Tony will go up for a month or two and try out the job and see how it goes. If it works out, then I will go. Maybe I can work something out with Lindsey to get Keyana one week every other month and a month or so in the summers. Of course, this is before she starts school. Then it will have to change. And of course, I am completely cutting out Corys visititation schedule...lol. To heck with him!
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Girl - you already got a plan!!!!;)

    Where you're moving - can you have a donkey? ;)
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...No, no donkeys. Jamie has a yard the size of a postage stamp. He can literally cut it with scissors though he is a man and uses a weed eater.
  11. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    I was thinking the same thing - - - maybe have Tony go up there and see how it goes. How far away will you go? Is it a few hours or even more? If it is close enough, maybe Tony works up there during the week and comes home on the weekend??
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ya know what?

    After some rattling, I think you should go for it!

    Changes are sometimes better than what we know. Scary, but better.

    And Tony is such a lovely guy, if it is better for him.........
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    We would back you and support you no matter what.
    It does sound like like you have though it out and think you know in your heart and soul what to do.
  14. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Wow! What a choice to have to make! It's like having to choose between the lesser of two evils. Would Tony have insurance and other benefits on this new job? That would be a real blessing if he did.

    One thing you haven't mentioned ... would you be able to handle living in the same house with Jamie's wife? She doesn't sound like she's the easiest person to get along with as it is, and then with another baby on the way ... ?
  15. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Janet, I have done this one way or another for the last 25yrs.
    easy child still says that the house in NC is not his home.
    Well, he is home 2 wks of the year and a few weekends. So we turn down a new job because he might want to visit us twice a year? I don't think so. I feel his sadness but it's a balance between what is best for us just as it's his job to find what's best for him.

    Look at the big picture. Will he have benefits? Will he have a chance of a good income?
    Living in Jamie's basement with his new wife is probably not a good thing for you and Tony together. I don't see that working so well. Two women in the kitchen is a recipe for disaster.

    I knew I was getting into my life of moving when I got married. I chose to not make it a point of contention. It can make a marriage miserable if one wants to move for opportunity and one is miserable at leaving what is familiar.

    I agree with the others about doing this as a trial and then make a big leap.

    Work is important for a family's survival. husband and I make that decision together and then there are no recriminations later. There are positive and negatives to those choices. Good luck in your decision.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fran I so agree.

    We wouldnt stay with Jamie for long because I know I couldnt take it for long. As soon as possible we would find somewhere to rent. Up in that area they have apartments that have all utilities included because of the military. Would work out well for us. We only need a one bedroom. Even if a grand wants to come stay with us they can take a couch.

    Its really funny in a way. Lumberton was a place Tony swore he would never bring me to live. It just wasnt a place he wanted to come back to but his grandmother ended up getting frail and elderly and needed someone to watch over her and we were it. It seems that was our lot in life. Caring for the elderly relatives.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Janet, I personally am very excited for you! I have a gut feeling about this!

    I think if we stay with what we know, we do not grow. We do not challenge ourselves. We only get one life, so if we do not grow during it....well we get bored, I think. Change is scary...but good!

    Wishing you the very best in your new chapter in life. May it bring you many new adventures!!

    Wendy - the eternal optimist!!! LOL!
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Janet, I think this could be a really good thing for you two. Not living in the basement, but a job that's not as hard on Tony. And being able to keep your other place, so you have backup at retirement, is a bonus.

    Wishing you and Tony the best on your new adventure! When do you move?
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    One thing I have learned is that things never stay the same, no matter how much you may want them to, especially when you have grown kids.

    Who really knows ... there may be more opportunities for Cory and Billy there too some day. But you have raised your kids, they are grown men now, self-sufficient, and it is time to think of what is best for you and for Tony. My ex worked construction for a long time and it was very hard. No insurance or other benefits, no paid leave if they were sick, they didn't work when it rained or when they were between jobs. Not an easy life. This new job sounds like it would be a very good fit for Tony and would be much easier on him physically. I say go for it, or at least give it a trial run to see how it goes.

    For me, most of the time when I have made a HUGE change, a big leap of faith, did something drastic that I was afraid to do, it ended up working out better than I ever dreamed that it would ... things like uprooting and moving to Tennessee, deciding to end a bad marriage, etc. Some of the best decisions I ever made! Hopefully, it will turn out just as well for you and Tony.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wishing you the best with your decision!