A Christmas to forget

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by strangeworld, Dec 27, 2017.

  1. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Thank God for this forum. My 19 yo daughter came home for xmas. She still comes home periodically. This time of course only because she wanted her gifts I suppose. Somewhere deep down maybe she loves us and her family. I did get gifts for her but next year unless she's in a better place I will not get anything other than maybe some basic necessities. My sister in law and myself witnessed what seemed like a horrifying psychotic break my daughter had on Christmas eve night. She was very slow...crying about her cat we had to put down last year...to talking about very dark things...no facial expression. She went up to her room and said "don't invite me home next year". Not sure what she's on other than weed and alcohol. I could smell alcohol from the time we picked her up day before xmas to when we dropped her off day after. My mom tried talking to her on Christmas night after dinner and she unleashed on my mother - her grandmother. She seemed okay at dinner but afterwards she flipped a switch. She doesn't care or refrain. She will unleash on any of us who mention we believe she needs help. Typical drug addict/alcoholic. Last night I texted her a long text about how alcohol can kill you....and cirrhosis of the liver is a very painful way to die. Both her paternal grandparents died of it as well as her beautiful aunt....at 42. I am ready to tell her she is not welcome home anymore. There is absolutely no sign of her wanting to better herself. She doesn't seem to care about anyone - least of all herself. I just don't have the strength to tell her she can't come home. I guess it's a matter of just saying no. My heart is breaking and the only ones who can possibly understand are the ones who have gone through it like those of you here on this forum. I'm watching my daughter slowly kill herself. And I'm expected to "self care" while she's killing herself? Self care feels selfish snd foolish when someone you love more than anything in this world is suffering. I know I'm supposed to love myself and I have a right to happiness regardless of others' dysfunction. But it was my job to get this girl ready for the world and I didn't. I should have been more strict. I should have been more fun. Should have's are useless now. And maybe she would have turned out this way despite my mistakes. I should have had her in intense counselling at 13...14 years. Instead I had her go a few times then decided she was not getting anything from it. I gave in to her and then I had a nervous breakdown which I am still trying to recover from 5 years later. I'm much better now but still have bouts of hopelessness and despair. My last therapist who was nice but was young with babies (need to find an older woman who specializes in co dependency and addiction I think) said my reactions of shutting down around my daughter is the PTSD. Thst surprised me but it makes total sense. Being verbally and emotionally abused over time does this to you.

    When daughter was 15 she tried antidepressants from a psychiatrist. She told the psychiatrist she has intrusive thoughts (severe anxiety). I talked to the psychiatrist alone and told her she sometimes smokes pot....she said it wouldn't interfere with the antidepressants. This psychiatrist is not in private practice and at the time was the head of our behavioural health department. She volunteered at the free clinic they have here on Sundays. At the time we were between insurance and this clinic was a godsend. Daughter seemed better for a while. Then she quit her medications during her senior year (cold turkey) and chose weed and alcohol and derelict friends. Did not graduate. We dropped her off at school in the morning g and she would just walk downtown to the hangout. They are her choices. As always there's a million scenarios and details I have not gone into (such as the self harm that began at 14 after her first breakup) because it would take too long. I think she is borderline but I don't want to label her. She's a unique individual with many distinct qualities. I hate labels because once they are given you tend to see every confirming trait and I would prefer to see the person, not the personality disorder.

    My new years resolution is to get back to therapy and/or alanon to learn to not let another human being suck your soul right out of you. I don't know if that is possible when it is your own kid but as of now nothing is changing. How do you shake the feelings that you are abandoning your child? I guess a good therapist can help me with that. Maybe there isn't an answer. I imagine learning to endure pain is how we eventually come to terms. Endure but not let it take over everything else.

    Thanks for listening....so thankful for this safe place. Just need to let out my feelings somewhere other than in the shower...where I end up letting the tears flow.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome strange world. I am happy you have found us and so sorry you need to be here with us. I felt like you were channeling my soul as you wrote.

    We do not own the outcome. Should a could a would a ....none of us are pe text and you sound like a warm and loving mother.
    We all put ourselves through this madness and guilt. The Fear Obligation and Guilt FOG. It’s allowed. We are only human. Just don’t dwell to long.


    We all at one point or another discover we suffer from PTSD. Loving and letting go with love is and watching our children self destruct is the most difficulty thing, a near impossible thing. We all feel on the fringe of maddens and dispare many times. We bring each other back from the fridge here very often. You are not alone.

    Choices and consequences,Choices and consequences. Her choices and her consequences as sad as this is you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Cure it nor can you Control it. It is time to love and let go.

    You have a good plan and that is a good thing. We all need to have a good plan and good support.

    Welcome and again sorry you need to be here.
     
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  3. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Self care feels wrong when your child is suffering.... I get it. I had times I could barely get off the couch when my son was at his worst. But after five years of watching him self destruct I had to choose to live. He has his own choices to make and it didn’t seem to help him that I was going under with him. It didn’t affect his decisions. He still chose drugs. I had to stop or I was going to drown too. I’m not saying it happened overnight or that I did eveything right. I didn’t.

    In time, and with support from others I let myself live again, and laugh, and love. I still loved my son, and when he was ready, he looked for help. He is doing ok right now. I don’t project past the present. I can’t. It’s one of the ways I keep my heart safe. I live in the moment and try to find joy everyday. It’s possible. Not easy.

    I hope you can find some way to make peace with the fact your child is choosing this and let yourself off the hook. I still play the what if game and guess what? I still lose every time.

    Keep posting and keep sharing. Healing can happen.
     
  4. Toomanytears

    Toomanytears Member

    Strangeworld ... I never knew this forum existed until 5 short weeks ago. A desperate moment caused me to Google, “ How to cope with addict adult son sentenced to prison.”
    This forum has the most supportive and compassionate people because we are ALL living (TRYING to) through the most difficult and emotional journey a parent can experience.
    I reflect on what I have read here daily, so I can feel empowered when I begin to feel weak emotionally. It. Works.
    Hold your head up, mean what you say, and say how you feel.
    ((Hugs))
     
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  5. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Thanks everyone for your support. Sorry I don't reply very often or quickly. I am typing on my phone and it takes me for ever.

    It is so sad that we all seem to have tapped into feelings we never even knew existed. Darkness and fear that we all could really do without.

    I decided to look on the county's superior court website ro see if there is anything new on my daughter since I haven't heard from her since day after xmas. She had a citation for being in the park after hours on Halloween but they had not updated the website until recently. Now she has a failure to appear and over $500 fine. Just texted her but she's gone silent since xmas. I guess she can work it off or go to jail. I'm not paying for it. It's gone to collections because I guess she is "homeless" therefore has no mailing address. Trying not to obsess. I told her to call the DAs office and get it figured out. Tired of trying to help soneone who point blank doesn't care about her life or herself and seems to not care about anyone else. How can someone have a failure to appear if they never were issued a summons? I want to call but this is not my circus. I guess it's time for her to deal with these matters herself. She has a phone (unless it's lost or stolen again). I honestly wish she would go to jail for a while. Safer than where she is now. It's food, shelter, and sobriety. Toomanytears, I'm so sorry about your son's circumstances and I don't mean to sound like prison is good - it certainly is not. I can't imsgone being in your shoes. Thankfully there are others here who have gone through it I'm sure. I'm glad you found this forum. It has helped me a lot to read read read. It's helping me get strength to let go and let her live her life. I don't know how yet because it hurts deeply thinking I am throwing her to the wolves but I know I have to. She will never know how capable she can be if I keep rescuing her.
    Life takes turns and just as it starts to straighten, it twists again.

    Again, thanks for all of the support
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, Strangeworld, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this ordeal. Please make sure that you get to counseling and AlAnon. The detachment article on this board is also excellent. I think it is at the top of the Substance Abuse Forum or the Parents Emeritus Forum before the threads start.

    I know it may seem that self care is selfish and foolish, but it really isn't. I am sure you have heard the about putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child if you are in an airplane and masks are needed? Think about why you have to take care of yourself first. If you put the mask on your child and then you pass out, your child probably cannot move you and put the mask on you. If you put your mask on and your child passes out, you are able to move your child and put the mask on her. Self care when dealing with alcoholism is the same thing.

    My brother hit bottom when he was in his mid 30s. He started drinking at age 12. Until then, no one believed me when I told them he had a problem with alcohol. A spree of felonies over a weekend will change that, especially when you don't remember them. My mother took care of everything he needed. She did the court stuff, got a lawyer for him, got what he needed for jail, everything. She never stopped to take care of herself, or even to realize what a toll it took on her mind and her body. About 39 months later, she had a breakdown. It resulted in her needing to retire with disability. Neither her body or mind could cope any longer. It took about 2 years for her to fully recover. By then my brother was as fully into sobriety as anyone gets, and thankfully he realizes that he needs AA to be a part of his daily life. it has been almost 20 years and he is still going to AA. Thankfully my mom is mostly recovered.

    Don't let this steal so much of your life. Get the help you need. The best therapy for PTSD is called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining. It truly is the gold standard for PTSD therapy and can produce wonderful results if you stick with it.

    As for how to help your daughter, help yourself first. As you help yourself, you will see the path that will show you what you can, and cannot, do to help her. If she does not want help, there isn't much you can do. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it. I am not sure how she pays her bills, but as you become healthier by going to AlAnon and reading and learning about your own codependence, you will learn what you are doing to enable her and what you can do to help her in a healthy way.

    I am so sorry that you must watch her do this to herself. Addiction is a cruel and ugly disease that steals so many of our loved ones. I hope and pray that in time your loved one can find the path to sobriety.
     
  7. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Thanks Susie. I tried EMDR with a therapist as did my daughter. Not many sessions though. I prefer talk therapy.
    Intellectually I understand that self care is important but not so that I can help my daughter. It's so I can get through life with or without her. I am not sure I want to try to help anymore. Without going into self pity mode, I am not sure she deserves any more of my help. I am feeling anger and sadness but also compassion. Sometimes I feel like therapy and alanon keep me in a fetal position while just understanding that life is not fair and there are no guarantees helps me to get on with it.
    I'm sorry your mother had to suffer from the alcoholic brother's behavior. I had a true nervous breakdown 5 years ago when I found out daughter was self harming. Worst time of my life. People do not undetstand major depression until they go through it themselves. It was almost surreal. And very, very physical. I remember having stomach issues for about a month preceding the night I finally broke. Then two weeks straight from the depths of hell. No sleep...no appetite, speech slowed, couldn't listen to music that I normally loved....finally prescribed ativan and trazodone for sleep. Couldn't cry for weeks....no actual tears. Then one day I saw some old friends from when daughter was little and I got in my car and the floodgates released. Tears of nostalgia and heartbreak came for hours. Then began the long crawl out of the pit of darkness all the while still trying to help daughter. I'm still climbing and probably will be for life, but I can say I have found sanity and health again. Friendships, acceptanc, numerous vitamins and minerals, walking, reading numerous self help books including alanon books and some therapy all helped me. Glad your mom is better and that your brother is better too. I wouldn't wish a breakdown on my worst enemy.

    I know alcoholism as well. I am a recovered alcoholic. 17 years sober. Mt biological father was an alcoholic (I didn't know him). My husband's mother, father, sister all died young from alcohol. My husband's brother is a homeless drug addict and his other sister is a recovered drug addict doing well. Why did I think my daughter would escape the genes of addiction? My adoptive family are not addicts of any kind some of the mentally healthiest people I know and I was adopted at 6 weeks so grew up not knowing anything about alcoholism. This just reinforces the nature over nurture premise I truly believe. Anyway I'm on ramble now.

    I just hope my daughter's strong will, high IQ, and independent streak will come through for her in time. She is not me....I am not her. We are on our own paths. I think it is just so hard for mothers. We always hear "you are a parent not a friend" but deep down these little people who you immerse youself in when they are small....they are our best friends. And we are their first friends. Very hard to sepatate. I think much more than for fathers.

    I wish us all a happier 2018. Let us all find joy in small things and not expect too much. And let us love without conditions while staying true to ourselves and keep strong boundaries that we deserve. It doesn't mean we are abandoning our kids. They know we love them. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. Let ourselves feel deeply and not judge ourselves nor our childten. We all have reasons for doing what we do. It's part of the human condition. Let us all find strength in knowing someone has done this before us and come out of it okay. Let hopelessness and despair be fleeting at most. Where there is life there is hope. And love.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    This is a good mantra for me to keep in mind regarding my son. Sometimes I let him drag me down his path.

    This site is so helpful for this message and support. I am so very grateful to have found it.

    Thank you for this reminder I was feeling a little hopeless in my anger.

    I had a sever depression take hold in the spring of this year and also began suffering from PTSD. I have been in that pit and it overwhelms me to even think about it.

    I have managed symptoms with antidepressants to date. I often want to have a sleeping pill or a sedative for the tough tunes. But truth be told I am affraid my son wound steal them. So I try to manage with therapy and meditation.

    Big hugs and a Happy New Year to you.
     
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  9. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    LBL, I'm so sorry you fell into the pit of depression too. It is like nothing else. I don't blame people for not understanding or minimizing it because until you actually go through it there is no way to accurately describe it. It's probably our body's way of telling us to stop and listen to our own needs.

    At the time of mine, my husband was not supportive...not into paying for counselling (insurance doesn't cover it), didn't want dsughter on "happy pills" as he called them, not compassionate but more angry. I think part of the reason he didn't want daughter on pills is his beaitiful sister had been in counselling and on numerous medications (happy pills) for years and she ended up dieing alone at 42 from a mixture of medications and alcohol. He's gone through his own battles and now I have come to the conclusion that he just couldn't take any more. I forgive him but I felt abandoned by him at the time. He finally got over the fear of daughter taking antidepressants when he saw that they helped her (at least for a while). I took them for 2 weeks last year but decided to stop. Personal choice and I know they are extremely helpful for some people. I will tell you the Ativan was a godsend. But with my history of alcohol addiction I weaned off them out of fear I would enjoy them too much. I have become stronger over time and if I need counselling for myself, I don't give a sh** what he has to say about it anymore. And he really doesn't say much but he asks how it went ect. He's more supportive now. Truth is he would benefit immensely from counselling I think (everyone on the planet could use someone to talk to at times) He's become a lot softer in the last few years thankfully. He exercises a lot, eats well, takes his supplements and is basically the epitome of self care.

    Anyway onward and upward. Our kids will either learn or they won't. We are allowed to love them despite their weaknesses and flaws. We are allowed to be angry for the sacrifices we made. We are allowed to feel pissed that this is happening to our kids and us. We are allowed to go through whatever we are going through. I'm so sick of the little voices in my head condemning me for not being able to handle this....always feeling like I should ne doing more. Or I did the wrong thing....I enabled again etc etc. What is that? Perfectionism? I am handling it the way that I know how. Sometimes that means laying around on the couch surfing the web all day in pjs. Sometimes it means being extra productive in work and play.

    LBL this is so hard. Hardest thing anyone can go through... watching someone they love most in this world self destruct. The good news is our kids know we love them. In the back of their minds, as much as they act hateful and disconnected, they must know we are rooting for them. Maybe it's enough to get them through these awful years. Their brains don't get consequences yet. I think they say 24 years old is when boys come back to earth. Girls maybe a little younger. There are no guarantees but there is always hope.
     
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  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SW and welcome. Your post is very familiar, your daughter sounds a bit like my eldest. Except for the lashing out, well, ahem, that part was always reserved for me.
    There is always a “catch” to visits from my two. I am on edge, wondering what they want, or what they are up to. It is hard to be a mom and have to keep your guard up when your adult d cs pop in for a visit. I am like you, ptsd, kind of freeze. It is because I never know what to expect.
    I understand this. At least I would know where they are, instead of wondering........
    Totally agree. Our d cs are resourceful, they know how to survive. Not the way we would have them, but it is their life, their choices. My two used my rescuing to continue as is with a little cushion. At my expense. My heart, my home, my resources. Like there is an endless supply. We are not rugs to be tread upon. They are our adult children, but the expectations and entitlement are off the charts, with little to no appreciation to boot.
    You have a good grasp of things, SW. Life.......happens. Having a strong base ourselves, helps to deflect the harder stuff. We may be knocked off balance for a bit, but the more we look after ourselves, the better we are able to stand up again.
    This is where I was some time ago. I realized that it does no good for me to go “ down with the ship” of their choices. It does no good for our d cs, either. We want them to care for themselves. More than anything. I think it is imperative that we do so,as an example to set. It is a shift in focus, from lamenting what was, is and what could be, to realizing we have absolutely no control over that. Been through the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, too, but reality is, we are only human and did the best job we could as moms. Sure, made mistakes. That’s life.
    I love this, SW. It is truth from both sides of the spectrum. People have gone through the darkness of addiction and using and come out the other side. Their loved ones have found ways to cope, and found strength to carry on, come what may. I think the times I have despaired really has been taking on the weight of my twos choices within myself. I do believe there is something to that. It is another form of “rescuing”, internalizing the devastation of their ways to the point where I am feeling the repurcussions more than they are. In a spiritual and emotional way, taking on their burden, as if my downfall will be an exchange for theirs. I was thinking about all this on my walk this morning. Having a discussion in my head on “codependency”. I don’t like the label. I feel we are tied in ways to everything in the universe, how moreso to our beloveds? I think there is much more to the rollercoaster, swirly whirly yo-yoing we engage in when our d cs act out in their youth, and on to adulthood. There definitely is a synchronistic madness to it. Action, reaction, we become entrenched and conditioned into behaviors that our d cs learn to use against us. Addicts are cunning and manipulative. Looking back at my repetitive mistakes, I realize that my two could count on my reacting a certain way. This is where we fall into the trap of looking at self care as selfish. That what addicts are counting on. That we would become so caught up in the chaos and drama that we don’t know any other way to respond but trying desperately to “help” over and over again, to our own demise.
    It is like catching a wave and getting pitched over, and pounded by white water to the point where you don’t know which way is up. That’s how I felt when I was completely enmeshed in providing a solution for my two. There was no solution for me to find. It has to come from them.
    Yes, onward and upward. Good for you, SW.

    Yup. Letting our emotions ebb and flow as needed. Not seeking perfection and really, really living in each moment. I find now that I can look back at those old family photos and be thankful for the times we had. I am grateful for that. It is a switch from lamenting what is now. I also find that looking at reality straight in the face helps. I used to think “This is not what I raised my girls to be, this is not them.” True. That made me pine away more. I pray for them to see their light and potential, I still have hope. Reality is, my two are addicts, using drugs, using people and blaming everything on everyone else. This is them, now, on drugs. It doesn’t mean it will always be this way, but I understand that I can’t make them do, or see anything. It is up to them to see the light and want better.

    Life happens. There are no guarantees. There was a recent post where a mother was writing about her adult child who was doing well in life, but had no desire to connect with her mother.
    Huh.
    Sigh.
    What helps me look forward to my future, is to know that my kids were only on loan to me for a time. I made mistakes, but gave my all to raising them. It is up to them as adults to choose the paths they take.
    It is up to me to figure out what I want for the best rest of my life.
    That is the only thing I can control, my choices.
    May you continue to hold your head up and soldier on, SW, and all of us here.
    You matter. You have a life to live.
    Keep working on your toolbox, finding ways to lift yourself up.
    I truly believe that is the best help we can be for our d cs.
    Leading by example
    , continuing to be mindful of our health, keeping stress at bay, focusing on the good, walking steadily forward to creating peace and joy in our lives.
    It is what we wish for them to achieve.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    SW

    Welcome! It seems like you got 100% stronger from your first post to your last post!

    I just wanted to say that what I first read sounded like you were blaming yourself for this - which is probably something we all do to a certain degree until we learn more about what we are dealing with.

    The fact is that your daughter was obviously predisposed to addiction and therefore there is likely nothing you could have done to prevent it. My mother was an alcoholic and there is depression on my husband's side so our son was doomed I guess.

    Welcome and glad you are here! You seem to be very knowledgeable and enlightened.
     
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  12. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    First I have to say thank you for your replies. I want to respond to everyone and right Now I am in bed with a nasty cold so I sm on my phone.
    I appreciate the compassion from all of you. I just had a crying fit...probably induced by pms and my cold mainly. I read my post here snd feel like a complete phoney now. I am not feeling strong. I miss my daughter. I do feel in my deepest core, like I failed her. Even though I know I was a decent parent who loved and tried to do the right things. I know I was a push over at times and also did not follow through with consequences because of fear. Same with hubs. And there were times I found myself on her level, screaming like a banchee because I had had enough. There, I said it. I failed at enforcing consequences and hoped problems would work themselves out. I yelled a few times. I also realize consequences, when we tried to enforce them, made life in our home a living Hell. A living, breathing nightmare. So I realize, I wasn't perfect and I wanted to be. I forgive myself becsuse I realize I might not even ne remembering things correctly. Maybe all the times my daughter went straight for the heart of her ridiculous mother actually became my reality. It's taken a long time to feel strong and to have this meltdown today has shown me I have miles to go.

    Thanks again for your supportive words everyone . I'm sure once I finally get through my thick skull that life is not fair I will be okay again. Healing and growing and letting go is not a straight line. Setbacks happen. Bad things happen to good people. Addiction happens to good people. Life is not fair. I really wish I had not cried because now my nose is even more stuffed up.
     
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh Strange
    Sick, low and emotionally exhausted. My heart goes out to you.

    You have the right attitude forgive yourself. We are human sometimes our capes slip. Just as letting go is not a straight line neither is being strong and setting boundaries.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. I had a terrible head cold for 3 weeks. It can drag ya down.

    Don’t let your head punish you for the past, and don’t let it get ahead of you. Today is today and it is what it is.

    Big hug.

    :group-hug:
     
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  14. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I feel your pain. Everyone on here are just great mums, thats why they are here and you are no different. I listen to everyone here and the advice is so obvious but appears to come easily from some - of course, I know deep down this is not true and that they have suffered and felt the pain we do. Maybe some people are just further down the road and this is a personal, painful journey with a human that we created!! So bizarre and baffling. Be kind to yourself, I am starting to think life is mapped out and nothing we do will change the eventual outcome. Hugs you feel better soon. xx
     
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  15. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Maybe that can be reframed more hopefully. Coming to terms with the fact that we cannot control the outcome is not to say the outcome is fated.

    I understand. I find relief in learning about the different trajectories the adult children here are on, because it allows me to work on accepting rather than fighting every day.

    But as many wise people here have reminded, we are not the authors of their stories. We can not write the endings.
     
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SW, I am sorry you have not been feeling well. I hope your cold is over and you are recovering, there are some nasty bugs out there. Please take care of yourself.
    I think we have all gone through this, and go through feeling like this at many points in this journey. I miss my two as well, been a long time since I have really seen them, the real them, that is. Or, the "before" them. Or, is it that I miss what I would wish for them to be? Either way, the reality is the "this is them" now, is a bitter pill to swallow. For any mother.
    Oh, boy, SW, have I walked this part, too. The living Hell. Didn't even want to be home, felt like a trapped animal with no way out. The thing is, in the thick of all of it, who could maintain composure? It all gets blurry after awhile, be it the crazy chaos, the gaslighting, and extreme stress of those times when my d cs were off the rails and there was nothing going to stop them. At times I think "Was it that bad, or was it me"? Then I have to remind myself that not only was it that bad, it was completely unacceptable. I may not remember all the details. All I have to know is that I didn't want to be in my own home.
    We all have miles to go dear. Do not be so hard on yourself. Having meltdowns means that we are human. Let the floodgates open and feel what you have to. It is good to release all that is pent up.
    Life is not a straight line. I refer to life as a series of adjustments. Your daughter is young. 19. I remember back when my daughters were that age and just partying. No signs of responsibility. It is hard to witness. The thing is, they will do as they choose, no matter what our reactions are. I suppose we have to go through what we need to, to reach a point of accepting that. It is like a tug of war, they pull out all of the stops with outrageous behaviors and partying, and we are trying to pull them back to sensibility, being responsible, all of the things we hoped and dreamed for them. We are feeling dashed upon the rocks, gnashing our teeth, grieving.........and they.......are partying.
    Sigh.
    I know how difficult this is.
    It has been a 20 year journey for me. That is not to say for anyone else here, it will be the same. Hopefully, your daughter, and other younger d cs will wake up and see their potential someday soon.
    I guess this morning as I am following along and reflecting on my own journey through this, I would say that it is very, very important to start now, this very day, to switch your focus. Find ways to bring peace and joy back to your life. Our d cs grow into their own and will do what they will do. No amount of self sacrifice and lamentation on our part, will change their direction, and in the meantime, we hang on to measurable outcomes, holding our breath until this, or that happens. Waiting for the next episode, rehab, failure, success.
    Time is continually ticking away.
    The "if only's" hanging thick in the air.
    The "if only's" wasting away our precious time on this planet.
    "If only" they would wake up and be sensible.
    "Then I could breathe and relax and enjoy my own life".
    It is if time sped up while I was waiting for this to happen.
    From one “if only” to the next.
    A series of happenings that I had no control over, my focus so completely on trying to fix what I couldn’t. It is a learning curve in so many layers. Our hearts are so caught up in wanting the best for our d cs, more than they want the best for themselves. While they are actively using, that is the “best” in their minds, the next high.
    Try to take each day at a time and pull up and out of the entanglement of reviewing the past, reeling those tapes, wishing things were different, then and now, putting your life on hold, as if a bargaining for things to be okay with your daughter. She will do as she pleases, with nary a thought of how it affects her, or you, for that matter.
    I cannot get back the time that I fell into the swirly whirly, the deep dark hole of despair over my twos choices.
    Depressed and overwhelmed over something that was never in my control.
    I can only look forward, and share my thoughts here.
    Try your best, each and every day, to take back your life.
    Strengthen yourself and your toolbox to make it through, up and out of the chasm, back to living, really living.
    It is not selfish. It is self care. Life does not wait for anybody.
    Love does not mean that we end our own enjoyment and peace because our loved ones are making bad choices.
    No amount of your sacrificing will change the way your daughter decides to live her life.

    We are blessed with such a short time to be here, and now, to live.
    Your life matters, you matter.
    Find little things that bring you joy, a hobby, exercise, spending time with friends, make a list of things you have always wanted to do, and go do them.
    Start a routine, meditation, reading, anything that will take your mind off of what’s going on with your daughter.
    I hope you are feeling better SW. Be very kind to yourself and be well, in every sense of the word, be well.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  17. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    To all who have replied, thank you. I come to read very often but usually I am not on my computer and it's too hard and slow to respond on my phone so I don't respond often. I am deeply appreciative off all of you and your thoughts, opinions and most of all the camaraderie in this place we never wanted to be. My daughter asked to be picked up yesterday when I picked up my son gets picked up from school. I said okay. She came home, was sort of pleasant, sort of not. It was obvious she was either hung over when I picked her up or she had already been drinking although the smell of alcohol wasn't really that prominent. I feel like I have nothing to talk about anymore - with her. Part of it is that I feel drained. Part of this is because of the alcohol/drugs/secrecy of her life. Part of it is because I if I try to talk about anything of significance about her life, it turns into a one sided screaming match or a monologue on her part. I have kicked her out of the car miles away from her "hang out" before due to this. And I am very cautious now because I don't want to have that happen again. Part of it is there is a piece of me that remembers myself at 19 and when I look at her I feel my own shame. I was hardly any different other than I was doing what my parents wanted me to do (in theory)...going to college (barely), living on my own (with their financial help as long as I stayed in school). I was drinking non stop at this age and for 10 years more until I stopped completely. Thank God. Someone was looking out for me - I should probably be dead. But I wasn't "couch surfing" or park camping, or homeless. I had completed high school and had my drivers license (and a fake one so I could get into bars of course). I might have been a complete flake but I was singing in a band every weekend and was attempting college. I had confidence in myself - something my poor daughter does not have. That is the one thing I pray for - that she reclaims some of the confidence she had when she was little. Or self worth.

    My husband just took her back into town. She showered and cleaned up. Put some makeup on. Was up at 6 and ate breakfast. Played a lot of piano and was singing. I guess if I think about it, this is better than it was a couple years ago in some sense. Refusing to get up - refusing to eat - cutting - verbally abusive - menacing - breaking car windshields. It's really obvious, now that I think about it, why we let our the rope too far...she was so depressed and isolated for quite a while that we thought it would be good for her to hang out with friends...little did we know these friends would introduce her to older druggie, homeless friends. Little did we know she would actually become friends with these people. And then she became impossible to have at home. Still - her choices. I don't feel too guilty anymore when I really look at the circumstances we were in. When we are not in the thick of it - of them ramping up - we forget how bad it was and can be again.

    I wonder when she will text again to come home - a couple days - a couple weeks. I wonder if I will have anything interesting to talk about. Gradual dis-enabling - untangling. What is she going to do about the $500 fine for being in the park after hours...do I just not say anything? I guess if she gets picked up again they will take her in...I don't know. It's not my circus. But I honestly don't think she has any CLUE about stuff like this lingering on her record. She doens't care one bit but one day she will if she grows up. The sad, really really sad thing, her great grandfather who passed away last year left a LOT of money to her and her brother. My husband is in charge of the trust right now. She is not allowed to have the money til she's 30 UNLESS she's on the right path then my husband can help her financially (great grandfather's will and intent). We have not told her about the money. We do not want her to think that all she has to do is wait it out until she's 30 years old and we also don't want her friends to know. But I feel like we are hiding something from her that she should know about. I don't want her to feel like she was betrayed by us. The money is safely earning interest in a fund right now. I PRAY by the time she's 30, she will be on a decent path because I think we won't be able to keep it from her - I wouldn't want to anyway but I wouldn't want her to blow it all either.

    Well, time to get off the computer. Thanks again for the support everyone. May we all find a bit of peace today, nomatter our circumstances.
     
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