Thank God for this forum. My 19 yo daughter came home for xmas. She still comes home periodically. This time of course only because she wanted her gifts I suppose. Somewhere deep down maybe she loves us and her family. I did get gifts for her but next year unless she's in a better place I will not get anything other than maybe some basic necessities. My sister in law and myself witnessed what seemed like a horrifying psychotic break my daughter had on Christmas eve night. She was very slow...crying about her cat we had to put down last year...to talking about very dark things...no facial expression. She went up to her room and said "don't invite me home next year". Not sure what she's on other than weed and alcohol. I could smell alcohol from the time we picked her up day before xmas to when we dropped her off day after. My mom tried talking to her on Christmas night after dinner and she unleashed on my mother - her grandmother. She seemed okay at dinner but afterwards she flipped a switch. She doesn't care or refrain. She will unleash on any of us who mention we believe she needs help. Typical drug addict/alcoholic. Last night I texted her a long text about how alcohol can kill you....and cirrhosis of the liver is a very painful way to die. Both her paternal grandparents died of it as well as her beautiful aunt....at 42. I am ready to tell her she is not welcome home anymore. There is absolutely no sign of her wanting to better herself. She doesn't seem to care about anyone - least of all herself. I just don't have the strength to tell her she can't come home. I guess it's a matter of just saying no. My heart is breaking and the only ones who can possibly understand are the ones who have gone through it like those of you here on this forum. I'm watching my daughter slowly kill herself. And I'm expected to "self care" while she's killing herself? Self care feels selfish snd foolish when someone you love more than anything in this world is suffering. I know I'm supposed to love myself and I have a right to happiness regardless of others' dysfunction. But it was my job to get this girl ready for the world and I didn't. I should have been more strict. I should have been more fun. Should have's are useless now. And maybe she would have turned out this way despite my mistakes. I should have had her in intense counselling at 13...14 years. Instead I had her go a few times then decided she was not getting anything from it. I gave in to her and then I had a nervous breakdown which I am still trying to recover from 5 years later. I'm much better now but still have bouts of hopelessness and despair. My last therapist who was nice but was young with babies (need to find an older woman who specializes in co dependency and addiction I think) said my reactions of shutting down around my daughter is the PTSD. Thst surprised me but it makes total sense. Being verbally and emotionally abused over time does this to you. When daughter was 15 she tried antidepressants from a psychiatrist. She told the psychiatrist she has intrusive thoughts (severe anxiety). I talked to the psychiatrist alone and told her she sometimes smokes pot....she said it wouldn't interfere with the antidepressants. This psychiatrist is not in private practice and at the time was the head of our behavioural health department. She volunteered at the free clinic they have here on Sundays. At the time we were between insurance and this clinic was a godsend. Daughter seemed better for a while. Then she quit her medications during her senior year (cold turkey) and chose weed and alcohol and derelict friends. Did not graduate. We dropped her off at school in the morning g and she would just walk downtown to the hangout. They are her choices. As always there's a million scenarios and details I have not gone into (such as the self harm that began at 14 after her first breakup) because it would take too long. I think she is borderline but I don't want to label her. She's a unique individual with many distinct qualities. I hate labels because once they are given you tend to see every confirming trait and I would prefer to see the person, not the personality disorder. My new years resolution is to get back to therapy and/or alanon to learn to not let another human being suck your soul right out of you. I don't know if that is possible when it is your own kid but as of now nothing is changing. How do you shake the feelings that you are abandoning your child? I guess a good therapist can help me with that. Maybe there isn't an answer. I imagine learning to endure pain is how we eventually come to terms. Endure but not let it take over everything else. Thanks for listening....so thankful for this safe place. Just need to let out my feelings somewhere other than in the shower...where I end up letting the tears flow.