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A Christmas to forget
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 727080" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>SW, I am sorry you have not been feeling well. I hope your cold is over and you are recovering, there are some nasty bugs out there. Please take care of yourself.</p><p>I think we have all gone through this, and go through feeling like this at many points in this journey. I miss my two as well, been a long time since I have really seen them, the real them, that is. Or, the "<em>before"</em> them. Or, is it that I miss what I would wish for them to be? Either way, the reality is the "this is them" now, is a bitter pill to swallow. For any mother.</p><p> Oh, boy, SW, have I walked this part, too. The living Hell. Didn't even want to be home, felt like a trapped animal with no way out. The thing is, in the thick of all of it, who could maintain composure? It all gets blurry after awhile, be it the crazy chaos, the gaslighting, and extreme stress of those times when my d cs were off the rails and there was nothing going to stop them. At times I think "Was it that bad, or was it me"? Then I have to remind myself that not only was it <em>that bad</em>, it was completely <em>unacceptable</em>. I may not remember all the details. All I have to know is that I didn't want to be in my own home.</p><p> We all have miles to go dear. Do not be so hard on yourself. Having meltdowns means that we are human. Let the floodgates open and feel what you have to. It is good to release all that is pent up.</p><p> Life is not a straight line. I refer to life as a series of adjustments. Your daughter is young. 19. I remember back when my daughters were that age and just partying. No signs of responsibility. It is hard to witness. The thing is, they will do as they choose, no matter what our reactions are. I suppose we have to go through what we need to, to reach a point of accepting that. It is like a tug of war, they pull out all of the stops with outrageous behaviors and partying, and we are trying to pull them back to sensibility, being responsible, all of the things we hoped and dreamed for them. We are feeling dashed upon the rocks, gnashing our teeth, grieving.........and they.......are partying.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>I know how difficult this is.</p><p>It has been a 20 year journey for me. That is not to say for anyone else here, it will be the same. Hopefully, your daughter, and other younger d cs will wake up and see their potential someday soon.</p><p>I guess this morning as I am following along and reflecting on my own journey through this, I would say that it is very, very important to start now, this very day, <em>to switch your focus</em>. Find ways to bring peace and joy back to your life. Our d cs grow into their own and will do what they will do. No amount of self sacrifice and lamentation on our part, will change their direction, and in the meantime, we hang on to measurable outcomes, holding our breath until this, or that happens. Waiting for the next episode, rehab, failure, success.</p><p>Time is <em>continually</em> ticking away.</p><p>The "if only's" hanging thick in the air.</p><p>The "if only's" wasting away <em>our precious time on this planet</em>.</p><p>"If only" they would wake up and be sensible.</p><p>"Then I could breathe and relax and enjoy my own life".</p><p>It is if time sped up while <em>I was waiting for this to happen</em>.</p><p>From one “if only” to the next.</p><p>A series of happenings that I had no control over, my focus so completely on trying to fix what I couldn’t. It is a learning curve in so many layers. Our hearts are so caught up in wanting the best for our d cs, <em>more than they want the best for themselves</em>. While they are actively using, that is the “best” in their minds, the next high.</p><p>Try to take each day at a time and pull up and out of the entanglement of reviewing the past, reeling those tapes, wishing things were different, then and now, putting your life on hold, as if a bargaining for things to be okay with your daughter. She will do as she pleases, with nary a thought of how it affects her, <em>or you, for that matter</em>.</p><p>I cannot get back the time that I fell into the swirly whirly, the deep dark hole of despair over my twos choices.</p><p>Depressed and overwhelmed <em>over something that was never in my control</em>.</p><p>I can only look forward, and share my thoughts here.</p><p>Try your best, each and every day, to take back<em> your </em>life.</p><p>Strengthen yourself and your toolbox to make it through, up and out of the chasm, back to living, <em>really living</em>.</p><p>It is not selfish. It is self care. Life does not wait for <em>anybody. </em></p><p><em>Love does not mean that we end our own enjoyment and peace because our loved ones are making bad choices.</em></p><p><em>No amount of your sacrificing will change the way your daughter decides to live her life.</em></p><p>We are blessed with such a short time to be here, and now, to live.</p><p>Your life matters, you matter.</p><p>Find little things that bring you joy, a hobby, exercise, spending time with friends, make a list of things you have always wanted to do, and <em><strong>go do them.</strong></em></p><p>Start a routine, meditation, reading, anything that will take your mind off of what’s going on with your daughter.</p><p>I hope you are feeling better SW. Be very kind to yourself and be well, in every sense of the word, be well.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 727080, member: 19522"] SW, I am sorry you have not been feeling well. I hope your cold is over and you are recovering, there are some nasty bugs out there. Please take care of yourself. I think we have all gone through this, and go through feeling like this at many points in this journey. I miss my two as well, been a long time since I have really seen them, the real them, that is. Or, the "[I]before"[/I] them. Or, is it that I miss what I would wish for them to be? Either way, the reality is the "this is them" now, is a bitter pill to swallow. For any mother. Oh, boy, SW, have I walked this part, too. The living Hell. Didn't even want to be home, felt like a trapped animal with no way out. The thing is, in the thick of all of it, who could maintain composure? It all gets blurry after awhile, be it the crazy chaos, the gaslighting, and extreme stress of those times when my d cs were off the rails and there was nothing going to stop them. At times I think "Was it that bad, or was it me"? Then I have to remind myself that not only was it [I]that bad[/I], it was completely [I]unacceptable[/I]. I may not remember all the details. All I have to know is that I didn't want to be in my own home. We all have miles to go dear. Do not be so hard on yourself. Having meltdowns means that we are human. Let the floodgates open and feel what you have to. It is good to release all that is pent up. Life is not a straight line. I refer to life as a series of adjustments. Your daughter is young. 19. I remember back when my daughters were that age and just partying. No signs of responsibility. It is hard to witness. The thing is, they will do as they choose, no matter what our reactions are. I suppose we have to go through what we need to, to reach a point of accepting that. It is like a tug of war, they pull out all of the stops with outrageous behaviors and partying, and we are trying to pull them back to sensibility, being responsible, all of the things we hoped and dreamed for them. We are feeling dashed upon the rocks, gnashing our teeth, grieving.........and they.......are partying. Sigh. I know how difficult this is. It has been a 20 year journey for me. That is not to say for anyone else here, it will be the same. Hopefully, your daughter, and other younger d cs will wake up and see their potential someday soon. I guess this morning as I am following along and reflecting on my own journey through this, I would say that it is very, very important to start now, this very day, [I]to switch your focus[/I]. Find ways to bring peace and joy back to your life. Our d cs grow into their own and will do what they will do. No amount of self sacrifice and lamentation on our part, will change their direction, and in the meantime, we hang on to measurable outcomes, holding our breath until this, or that happens. Waiting for the next episode, rehab, failure, success. Time is [I]continually[/I] ticking away. The "if only's" hanging thick in the air. The "if only's" wasting away [I]our precious time on this planet[/I]. "If only" they would wake up and be sensible. "Then I could breathe and relax and enjoy my own life". It is if time sped up while [I]I was waiting for this to happen[/I]. From one “if only” to the next. A series of happenings that I had no control over, my focus so completely on trying to fix what I couldn’t. It is a learning curve in so many layers. Our hearts are so caught up in wanting the best for our d cs, [I]more than they want the best for themselves[/I]. While they are actively using, that is the “best” in their minds, the next high. Try to take each day at a time and pull up and out of the entanglement of reviewing the past, reeling those tapes, wishing things were different, then and now, putting your life on hold, as if a bargaining for things to be okay with your daughter. She will do as she pleases, with nary a thought of how it affects her, [I]or you, for that matter[/I]. I cannot get back the time that I fell into the swirly whirly, the deep dark hole of despair over my twos choices. Depressed and overwhelmed [I]over something that was never in my control[/I]. I can only look forward, and share my thoughts here. Try your best, each and every day, to take back[I] your [/I]life. Strengthen yourself and your toolbox to make it through, up and out of the chasm, back to living, [I]really living[/I]. It is not selfish. It is self care. Life does not wait for [I]anybody. Love does not mean that we end our own enjoyment and peace because our loved ones are making bad choices. No amount of your sacrificing will change the way your daughter decides to live her life.[/I] We are blessed with such a short time to be here, and now, to live. Your life matters, you matter. Find little things that bring you joy, a hobby, exercise, spending time with friends, make a list of things you have always wanted to do, and [I][B]go do them.[/B][/I] Start a routine, meditation, reading, anything that will take your mind off of what’s going on with your daughter. I hope you are feeling better SW. Be very kind to yourself and be well, in every sense of the word, be well. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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