Well, about a month ago I went and had the CAT scan that the general surgeon my primary had sent me to ordered. Let's back up as to why I even had to go to general surgeon to begin with. I had an old primary care dr who for a year refused to listen to me about pain I was having, bloating in my stomach, etc. Just really ignored me. She's gone now and I'm seeing someone new in the practice. She's really nice. I went to her and the very 1st time I did and explained about the pain in my lower left pelvic area (how I can't walk at times because of it, etc), the bloating in my stomach, and I have this at least 6' oblong of my stomach in my belly button area and above that will stick out if the muscles get tense. I "thought" perhaps that part might actually be a tiny umbical hernia I knew I had that had grown. So she immediately set me up to go see this general surgeon. I saw this general surgeon who was an idiot and treated me like dog dodo. She was very rude and told me straight out she would have nothing to do with me and not touch me at all. Partly due to my complex health "not a candidate for surgery" (irregardless if the hernia was an issue or not) and partly because she was passing judgement on me A) for the medication I take and B) because of what I look like. FACT! RUDE>RUDE>RUDE! I walked out that day so mad it wasn't funny but she did at least pass me off and set me up for an abdominal and pelvic CAT scan so something came out of it. I had gotten a call back on a Monday after having the CAT on Thursday before. The nurse said that I MUST immediately go see a GYN because the scan showed a 1.5 lesion on my left ovary. Okay, that scared me a little but after doing a little research I got over it a bit. My normal GYN wasn't available so the nearest appointment I could get was going to be almost a month out. Today to be exact and with a new GYN. I go in there with a little apprehension to begin with as it's someone new. Sitting there talking with her and she says "you have a 5.1 cm lesion on your left ovary." I was like wait, what? It's not 1.5? They told me it was 1.5. She says no, it's 5.1! OMG.....that CHANGES everything! EVERYTHING! And she starts talking and going on and my brain is trying to take this in and it's spinning and it's really not. Until.......... Until.....she says we have to set you up with a GYN oncologist! We're going to give you a CA125 test today and we're going to be seeking for it to be below 200. What the what???? Huh? HUH???? My heads going a mile a minute thinking faster then our adhd kids'. I start spitting out information to her, some she had from my record. I have to get a mammorgram, an ultrasound, check with my heart dr for clearance for surgery, etc...She's not sure my heart will be even able to withstand the surgery. She's concerned for my bladder (other issues from past), the breast (re: my mothers recent battle with cancer and pagets disease). I'm like trying to take all this in. Then it's time to have the actual GYN exam. Of course they always ask if you're ok. I'm not and I tell her I'm not. She's nice, calm and sweet. Asks if there is anything she can do. I'm thankful that she is the way she is. I was still holding it together all the way through the office visit, checking out, down to the parking garage and then in the car I pick up my cell that I had forgotten to take in with me and call SO. I LOST IT....I don't call him at work unless I really have to. I just apologize to him for calling but could say no more but cry. He tries to get out of me what's going on and finally through broken tears I get it out to him. So now it's several hours later and I'm still shaken, still teary and having bouts on and off. I know there is nothing solid yet. More tests to go. I know I need surgery but still don't know if my heart will even allow it at this point in time. I have to see my GP this afternoon as well. We're about to head off this evening for a few days as a family. I planned this prior because something in my mind told me to do Thanksgiving differently this year and in a big way. I don't know why but it did and I listened. I paid for things a little at a time. I know the difficult children will argue and there will be spats and it will not go smoothly. I even gave ms emo the day off today because as of yesterday the weather decided to throw a loop and we had to adjust it ahead a day so it meant cramming everything ahead by a day. I knew my oldest needed help doing things since I can't do stuff and SO will be at work (which he said he would come home after my call but I WILL NOT have him do as he NEEDS to be there!). I sent mr busy off to school because he gets anxiety over any change in routine and as of last night he was already acting out because of the change in general and now the bump in schedule. That just caused all 3 difficult children to interact negatively. He doesn't know about this yet, not sure when we'll say anything. Girls know and they think we shouldn't say anything to him quite yet until we know for sure. A) because he doesn't really understand female anatomy and B) because he is "mamma's boy" besides doesn't take things real well. It would only serve for more time for him to be too anxious over. Maybe when we come back as the soonest? Maybe after tests come back? I don't know. Time and my instinct will lead me. For now it's going to be a little rocky. But I'm STILL DOING THE CHRISTMAS CARDS!!!!!!