A fairly good ex. of entitlement awareness/breaking bad habits

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Our daughter, mid twenties, has bipolar illness and a physical health concern. She is on disability. She has off and on entitlement issues, which we dissuade. She often tries to get little part time/temp jobs, but has many problems with this. Sometimes she succeeds and might get a little work for a day or two. This maxes her out. Her thinking is often very illogical...to say the least. And she has little to no cause and effect reasoning.BUT....

    She often asks to put up our xmas tree for a little money. Also, take it down. We are glad for her to do this. She does a good job. husband hit 60 a few years ago and is more tired of late and my own health has been kind of crummy for awhile now.

    This year, I was extra sick and her help taking the tree down was very very much appreciated. She asked to do it on a certain day. We said we would order some food for dinner (for all of us) and then she could do it. Well....during dinner she got a call. Seems some friends wanted to meet up with her...nothing sinister...show her their baby or something. Next thing we knew, she said she was sick and had to leave and would do it the next day. husband was furious and I was about the same. I have little expectations and was at least intrigued that she said she would come the following day. It all stinks. husband said he waited for days for her to pick a day, got her special food and had a "deal" with her...all very true. husband really wanted the tree down, so he did most of the work himself and I helped a little. We took the tree down that night after she left.

    difficult child had a VERY important appointment. the following morning near husband's office, but of course husband would have to leave a little early in order to take her to the appointment. he said he would do it. So....very much unlike him...he called her and said "he changed his mind." So, difficult child had to get up and take a 6am bus and take multiple buses to get to her apt. Much later that day, she called and profusely apologized to husband saying she got the message "loud and clear."
    She was exhausted and grouchy, but somehow kept it together and acted very appropriately and contrite with husband.

    Let's just hope she remembers...honestly she rarely does, but fingers crossed.

    PS I assure you we have days that are more in line with the difficult posts we read her....they have reduced slightly, thank goodness and I just don't have the energy to talk about it. I'm just thrilled she figured this little thing out!
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Also, wanted to add that difficult child often asks us, ESP. husband for favors. He is more inclined to give in...and i think this is why he was flabbergasted when she pulled another one of her ....cant do what i promised routines. We discourage her from asking for lots of favors, but help out when it is important and wouldn't hurt us. For example, left over food, etc. a ride, when it is convenient. And I have no problem helping her with rides IF and only if it is important, I'm not doing something else that is important for myself and it is pouring rain....making it very hard for her to take the bus. We want to help appropriately and lovingly. But, being a difficult child, she often OFTEN abuses these types of things.

    48 views, but no one said anything
    Can you see what I wrote?
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2014
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, I was one of the readers... interesting, but not my area of experience, so I don't have much to say. Sounds like your husband is learning, at least.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I always read your posts Nomad, just got here myself. Your story is so like so many of our kids, I see the same kinds of traits in my daughter, who may or may not be bi-polar, I'll likely never know..........but thankfully she doesn't ask anything of me anymore.

    I smiled when you said your husband said "he changed his mind" good for him. It's also good that she got it, "loud and clear." I wonder if that means that kind of behavior will lessen or she will forget the next time a better offer comes up. It can be so exasperating, I know. At this point in time I have almost no contact with my own daughter, it seems without the old 'script' no one knows how to act! Perhaps in time it will evolve.........I imagine that's what will happen.

    Is your daughter independent enough to be able to take care of herself should you and husband not be in the picture? I recall you mentioning that you guys are moving away at some point soon. That would certainly change the dynamic.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I just read your post too, Nomad.

    You and husband have learned, and taught, an important lesson. It must have been hard for you to cancel that ride. Very risky, but your difficult child handled it all on her own, and learned an important lesson about life and commitment in the process.

    Great job!

    I'm sorry you didn't have that special dinner with your daughter. There will be other Christmases, other dinners with your difficult child. I love it that she told your husband his message came through, loud and clear.


    Here's to wishing all of us a stronger and happier 2014. You, husband, and your daughter have made a great start.

  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    RE...right now, I would not say she is indp. enough to take care of herself alone. It is possible, that by the time we move, especially if we have some systems in place, it might be ok. I'm not too sure and sometimes it worries me.I don't think husband cares. We will be nearly four hours away and he's very good with this idea. It just doesn't concern him...when he hit 60, he said "that's enough," and I very much understand this. I suggested we help her with a place about an hour away from us when we move, so should a major blow up happen due to her impulsiveness and insane decisions occurs,we can chose if we wish to intervene and if we do intervene, it would be easier on US! He's concerned that if she is only one hour away, she will stop by rather frequently.

    After behaving fairly well,for a few weeks, with the exception of dumping us on her promise to take down the Xmas tree, but then immediately apologizing and saying she got the the lesson, when husband dumped her about driving her somewhere and she had to take a super early bus, she showed up on our front step the following morning (a friend drove her...I think he has a min wage job) and started begging and crying for $5 to buy cigarettes.im confused, since she said she couldn't borrow $5 from this friend.

    husband said "no way!" If you knew you needed cigs, you should of took the work offered to you, you should quit or cut back anyway, and screaming in front of my house (anytime...but early morning somehow seems worse) is totally inappropriate and slammed the door in her face.

    What a lovely way to start the day! #}*+. (Proud of him though)

    Yep..the subject of when we move, and her ability to care for herself, is a little confusing at the moment, but I think it will be ok. We are trying hard to help her make better choices and all that, stopping the enabling etc., but with MI...?
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nomad, I have always had a soft spot for your daughter. I think you have done a good job in how you handle her. I dont know the answers of course but I really do hope she matures more over the years. I do love the fact that she said she heard you guys loud and clear. That is pretty much how I learned to survive without parental intervention. No, I am certainly not living the life I had with my parents but I am alive.
  8. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Oh Nomad your example was just perfect! I see this so often in my oldest easy child/difficult child and it's just maddening! I just don't get it. She, of the 3 difficult child's, shouldn't have entitlement issues based on how her life was early on but she does. She will even admit it and especially state how and what she went through. She doesn't seem to learn either, though each time we "think" she does. She gets all upset about her actions but she will turn around and do it again. Her therapist once told me that it may have to do with the borderline personality disorder. What ever it is, I wish it would go away! Thanks for your example.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone. As a side note...I read this about stress and health on Dr. mercola's site about people who live to be 100:

    "Some jokingly said they attribute their longevity to "avoiding dying." Others give hints to their life philosophy, such as "Find your passion and live it," "Make time to cry," and "Practice forgiveness." Centenarians overwhelmingly cite stress as the most important thing to avoid. Their lives are marked by as many stressful events as the rest of us, but they differ in how well they manage their stress. Rather than dwelling on it, they let it go. And they are very happy people!"

    I just liked that part about avoiding stress and letting stuff go! (Not easy, but so very necessary!)
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "And they are very happy people!"

    I love the quote. Thanks Nomad. I've seen TV programs about Centenarians and how they respond to stress seems to be the most important thing. I think being happy is equally important. Happiness creates a whole different environment in your body. As Deepak Chopra says, "your cells eavesdrop on your most dominant thoughts," so if your dominant thoughts are fear and anger, that translates into your system just as joy translates into your system. I practice choosing happiness every day............and man sometimes it's truly a challenge............but "misery is optional!!"
  11. rush

    rush New Member

    I am certainly in no position to give advice to almost anyone, but I liked that part about refusing to give her money for cigarettes. You certainly made me think. My difficult child took up cigarettes in the past year, and I, unfortunately am a long time smoker. She is constantly asking me for a cigarette, and sometimes I give her one. I usually tell her to get a job and buy her own. If she doesn't get one from me, she will scour through the butts and smoke those. So I should quit giving her cigarettes huh? I kinda knew that but thanks for reminding me!
    Wishing you peace and happiness!