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A feel like a terrible mother but I cant make the contact with my daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 681667" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>A few things stick out to me: you no longer want to "help" her. Has anything you have done "helped" her? My guess is no. You need to rephrase that in your mind: you no longer want to "enable" her. If she is a drug user, she must "help" herself and want to be clean. Efforts by others will do no good until it is what she truly wants and takes conscious steps in that direction.</p><p></p><p>Second: you "don't like" this new person at all. There is a world of difference in loving someone and liking them, and you will see scores of people who admit they don't like the person their adult child has become on this site. Not liking her choices, her attitudes, her behaviors, her treatment of you and others - all of which make up who she is right now - does not make you a bad mother. I love my daughter dearly; I don't like the person she is right now at all. I feel no guilt for that because I have no say in the person she CHOOSES to be.</p><p></p><p>Finally: you don't want contact with her. After we have been used and abused many, many times, it is natural to shy away from the person who has repeatedly hurt us. It is called self-preservation, survival instinct. I am currently going through a period where I want no contact with my daughter. I have done this before when her behavior, rages, lies, spitefulness, and drama were out of control. Instead of engaging her, which encourages her behavior and invites her to bring those things into my life, I step back until she can be civil and decent and want contact that does not involve strings (i.e. "I only contact you when I want/need something.").</p><p></p><p>What you feel is natural and what all of us here can empathize and sympathize with. It is awful to feel this way, but it is normal when you have had your child put you through such trauma. Be kind to yourself, regain your bearings, and when you are ready to have contact and can set boundaries on it, you will know and be ready to move forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 681667, member: 19905"] A few things stick out to me: you no longer want to "help" her. Has anything you have done "helped" her? My guess is no. You need to rephrase that in your mind: you no longer want to "enable" her. If she is a drug user, she must "help" herself and want to be clean. Efforts by others will do no good until it is what she truly wants and takes conscious steps in that direction. Second: you "don't like" this new person at all. There is a world of difference in loving someone and liking them, and you will see scores of people who admit they don't like the person their adult child has become on this site. Not liking her choices, her attitudes, her behaviors, her treatment of you and others - all of which make up who she is right now - does not make you a bad mother. I love my daughter dearly; I don't like the person she is right now at all. I feel no guilt for that because I have no say in the person she CHOOSES to be. Finally: you don't want contact with her. After we have been used and abused many, many times, it is natural to shy away from the person who has repeatedly hurt us. It is called self-preservation, survival instinct. I am currently going through a period where I want no contact with my daughter. I have done this before when her behavior, rages, lies, spitefulness, and drama were out of control. Instead of engaging her, which encourages her behavior and invites her to bring those things into my life, I step back until she can be civil and decent and want contact that does not involve strings (i.e. "I only contact you when I want/need something."). What you feel is natural and what all of us here can empathize and sympathize with. It is awful to feel this way, but it is normal when you have had your child put you through such trauma. Be kind to yourself, regain your bearings, and when you are ready to have contact and can set boundaries on it, you will know and be ready to move forward. [/QUOTE]
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A feel like a terrible mother but I cant make the contact with my daughter
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