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A feel like a terrible mother but I cant make the contact with my daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 682244" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>I think that is different for everyone. The semi- "sabbatical" my daughter and I are having from each other feels mutual: she wants no contact unless she wants/needs something, I want no contact until it is without "strings" so we don't have a lot of contact.</p><p></p><p>I think you will know when YOU are ready. When you feel like you are at a place where you can accept your son for who he is, not who you want him to be, and you can have contact without expectations (which lead to disappointment) or emotions that are still raw - those would be good indicators. I wouldn't re-engage until you have some boundaries in your mind and you are in a place where you can communicate those without hurt, anger, betrayal, accusation, etc.</p><p></p><p>For example, one of my boundaries is I will no longer engage in or be part of any type of rages, tantrums, accusations, or attempts to make me feel guilty over something my child thinks I am obligated to do for her. I won't lie - it was hard at first. I wanted to rage back, but you can't reason with someone unreasonable. I would interrupt her and let her know that what she was saying was unacceptable. I have hung up on her (telling her over her curses, "I am hanging up now"), ignored texts, and physically walked away. She escalated at first, thinking if she cranked up the flames I would run back to try to extinguish them. Now she knows I mean it, and she knows not to contact me unless she can control her emotions and her behavior toward me. The last time she contacted me, she was polite but I could tell she was irritated. I waited and called later, giving her time to herself, and then called and talked to her about what she saw as a problem. She was cordial and thanked me for calling, said she understood, and admitted she was a bit angry and hurt - but she held it in check, gave me a chance for my side, and listened. A huge first, but I held that boundary tight.</p><p></p><p>I am at a point where my heart is no longer on my sleeve, I can look at her behavior objectively instead of personally, and I know what I can and cannot tolerate and make my boundaries firm and clear with her. When you feel ready to move forward, however far or short that distance is, you'll know. And it isn't something that you have to feel rushed or guilty over. We all heal, process, learn and grow at different speeds. It may take some time to even consider it, and that's ok.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 682244, member: 19905"] I think that is different for everyone. The semi- "sabbatical" my daughter and I are having from each other feels mutual: she wants no contact unless she wants/needs something, I want no contact until it is without "strings" so we don't have a lot of contact. I think you will know when YOU are ready. When you feel like you are at a place where you can accept your son for who he is, not who you want him to be, and you can have contact without expectations (which lead to disappointment) or emotions that are still raw - those would be good indicators. I wouldn't re-engage until you have some boundaries in your mind and you are in a place where you can communicate those without hurt, anger, betrayal, accusation, etc. For example, one of my boundaries is I will no longer engage in or be part of any type of rages, tantrums, accusations, or attempts to make me feel guilty over something my child thinks I am obligated to do for her. I won't lie - it was hard at first. I wanted to rage back, but you can't reason with someone unreasonable. I would interrupt her and let her know that what she was saying was unacceptable. I have hung up on her (telling her over her curses, "I am hanging up now"), ignored texts, and physically walked away. She escalated at first, thinking if she cranked up the flames I would run back to try to extinguish them. Now she knows I mean it, and she knows not to contact me unless she can control her emotions and her behavior toward me. The last time she contacted me, she was polite but I could tell she was irritated. I waited and called later, giving her time to herself, and then called and talked to her about what she saw as a problem. She was cordial and thanked me for calling, said she understood, and admitted she was a bit angry and hurt - but she held it in check, gave me a chance for my side, and listened. A huge first, but I held that boundary tight. I am at a point where my heart is no longer on my sleeve, I can look at her behavior objectively instead of personally, and I know what I can and cannot tolerate and make my boundaries firm and clear with her. When you feel ready to move forward, however far or short that distance is, you'll know. And it isn't something that you have to feel rushed or guilty over. We all heal, process, learn and grow at different speeds. It may take some time to even consider it, and that's ok. [/QUOTE]
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A feel like a terrible mother but I cant make the contact with my daughter
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