A few changes, a few steps back (long post)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Aug 17, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Girlfriend H found out, or at least, decided to "see" that ex girlfriend is pregnant.
    They had a blowup but she and difficult child are still together.
    %*#$*#! Love is truly blind!
    He spent an entire day last week on his cell phone, talking to her, negotiating, explaining ... from his point of view, certainly.
    I was going to turn off the phone svc until he told me that he can still use it on wifi. Which means that I now know that I have to unplug and remove the Verizon battery unit and take it out of the house. Why didn't I think of that before? Of course, then I cannot use my computer, but I do have a laptop and am learning how to use it. :)
    We met some nice people last month. Decided to get together at our house for dinner. They have two adopted boys, 17 and 18. So excited to get the boys together. Old girlfriend showed up in a beautiful dress. Never said a word but was well mannered. That was the day/night that difficult child and H got into it about the pregnancy. So difficult child refused to come into the house.
    New friend comes up to me and says, "Is difficult child okay?"
    "No," I said. "He's never okay but today is worse. I am so sorry. I wanted the boys to meet."
    He was so nice about it. "difficult child is a work in progress. God gives us these kids to work on because he knows we can do it."
    Very sweet. I nearly cried right there in the kitchen because of the sentiment. However, I disagree theologically and philosophically. I think it's the luck of the die.

    difficult child finally quit Cutco. Amen to that. He's been applying for lots of jobs. I still think he should apply for more. 24/7.
    He spent an evening at the local community college for orientation with-G. This is her first yr. difficult child wants to go there. Great plan, but he can't go if he flunks HS. He wore a collared sport shirt and looked nice. Came home and said it was a boring disappointment. But now he knows the campus and rooms and some of the admin.

    husband and I went out of town for one night to visit easy child. Last time we did this, difficult child took care of all 3 dogs and 2 cats, made his own meals, did a great job.
    This time was an utter failure.
    difficult child left Sun. a.m. early after feeding the dogs and cats and didn't come home until 7:15 p.m., right when we walked in the door. Spent the entire day with-H at her job. Dog poop and pee everywhere. Freezer door stuck open because of a box of sausages, with melted frozen fruit dripping everywhere. Had to throw away unrecognizable slush (meat or fish or fruit? Ew.)
    We had difficult child help us clean up and then sat him down and told him we were extremely disappointed. We expected him to do a great job like he did last time.
    I had also promised to let him take the car to school Tues for Sr pictures. I told him that because of this lack of responsibility, he could not have the car. Plus, I am drug testing him again today, which is kind of a moot point, since I won't let him have the car anyway.

    husband and I got into a huge argument while we were with easy child. Good thing she's a therapist! She had to facilitate. We both want difficult child out of the house earlier than our original plan. We want him out before the baby comes. (Actually, husband said he is willing to take care of the baby because he knows she'll be neglected. I said absolutely not. It's my time for my career now. I painted and wrote a bit, but it was all bits and pieces because my main job was being a mom.) I am willing to pay/subsidize an apt and husband is not. He says that difficult child "wins." I really couldn't care less. For me, *I* win because he's out and he's safe. If he wrecks the apt and gets evicted, THEN he's on the street. I will never make it until school is out at this rate. I had higher expectations both for difficult child and for my own tolerance level.

    So ... we have to calmly sit down and make a plan.
    I've been reading MrHappy's notes and completely understand both sides. My difficult child is Aspie Lite and Bipolar (screw the psychiatric and his diagnosis of dysthymia). I don't think difficult child can really make it on his own but *I* need to make it in my own life.
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I agree; your son needs to be out of your house.

    It is putting too much strain on your physical health, your mental health, your marriage, your other relationships, your career, and every aspect of your life.

    Come up with a plan that you and hubby can both live with and go for it. Let the chips fall where they may.

    Actually, our Difficult Child is doing better with his life now, without parental support and angst, than he did with it. Which is not to say that he is doing well by our standards, but he is doing what he is doing regardless of how we feel about it, and at least it is not in our faces all the time.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I hope H is on some form of birth control!
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You had guests for dinner. That is very nice.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I am assuming that the x-girlfriend is keeping the baby and living with her mom?
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, that's her plan. :(
    And apparently H and difficult child still only use condoms. :(
    I told her that wasn't good enough. She basically runs away every time she sees me. She knows I'm going to bring up the topic and I have offered to take her to another city where no one will recognize her. :(
    Love is blind and stupid, especially when your sex drive runs your life.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, and the terrier puppy at difficult child's glasses so he can't drive without his glasses ...:eek::p
  8. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Being pretty good at this Difficult Child thing, I would be very surprised if they even used condoms. If he has another kid, he may be liable for child support X2 if the family goes to court. Actually if ex's family goes to court and he is DNA'd (which they can order at your expense) to have a DNA test that child may take a chunk out of his money if he works at all or gets SS already. This commonly happens, even when the father doesn't see the child. The courts garnish any assets they have. The punishment for non-payment can be taking the driver's license to jail. Depends on the state and situation. It isn't smart at all to have unprotected or even condom protected sex unless you are married and well established or at least committed and well established because it costs.

    But...not your circus/not your monkies.

    I doubt he'll make it in subsidized housing. Lil tried that with her son and her son is better behaved. But it's a good step down for the parent to take in order to feel he/she has tried absolutely everything to help the child.

    Many Aspies live on their own as do people with bipolar. If he needs some community services they aer available to the disabled, but first he has to be willing to apply for disability and then if you are non-compliant, the services won't help.

    Can you get to be his payee? I am the payee for autistic son. He can pretty much live on his own and is VERY responsble, but not with money. He will spend it all in one lump and he knows it. So he is ok with me being payee for his social security and part-time work pay. This way he always has all his bills up to date. But he also takes good care of his apartment and doesn't do drugs.

    These kids are so complicated.
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's good to hear from you Terry!!

    Well, at least H knows now.
    Hopefully one of the jobs he has applied for will come through.

    Good for you for having some new friends over for dinner.

    Sorry to hear you and husband had an argument. My husband and I had our fare share of them. Do your best to take some time for each other, go for a drive or even just a nice dinner and try not to discuss Difficult Child, try to just focus on each other.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Thanks for the update, Terry.

    As we know, life with DCs rocks on. At least the big secret is now out in the open and they will have to deal with it.

    I so understand being done, and just wanting them to....GO. I got to that point too.

    I just wanted him OUT OF MY HOUSE. In any possible way.

    In my case, my ex-husband (his dad) was way behind me in recovering from enabling, so Difficult Child went there. Then they finally got sick and tired of it all, and kicked him out.

    In your case, can you and husband agree on a temporary plan to move him out earlier? Give him a period of time where you pay and then...the payment stops? 60 days or 90 days or some such amount of time?

    Sometimes a plan like that makes the actual move-out happen...and even if it doesn't work, i.e., he doesn't start taking responsibility---he's out of the house and the next steps are his own.

    Just a thought. I know it's very hard, but I also know that when you're done, you're done, and it's hard to keep them in the same house with you once you're done.

    Let us know how things are going. We're here for you! Also glad you had that company over!
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, ChildofMine, that is my intent. Never was it my intent to pay forever!

    Nerfherder, ROFL. I LOVE that scene. I've used that phrase, and the accent, over and over again.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Today: Sr pictures (he wore a lt blue collared sport shirt but the school hired a company to use half-tuxes in the photos whether you like it or not, lol); back-to-school shopping; (I won on the fight over pant size); new eyeglasses; NO new phone glass cover (which is cracked); Three completed job applications and 1 job interview.
    Something has to work out! He has applied everywhere.
    Oh, and he and H have discussed getting married and his converting to Islam, even though he's not religious. (Even though you don't believe? I asked. Yes. If that's what it takes.)
    Not going to worry about it. Those two, like his past girlfriend, are pie-in-the-sky.
    At least H is in a PA program.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    (Hugs). I totally agree and understand your sentiment about this being YOUR time.

    What is a PA program? Has she graduated fromHS already?
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, she is 18 and on grade level.
    He is 18 and was held back.
    Physician's Assistant. :)
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, D's pregnancy is not totally on track. The baby is not growing at the rate she should be. Doesn't surprise me. D is skinny as a rail and hardly eats. And she suffers from depression (no diagnosis--I am saying this on my own).
    They measured her and next wk, will do an ultrasound. I looked this up online: http://kidshealth.org/parent/medical/endocrine/iugr.html#
    Also, apparently she got snippy with her mother, so now D is in Richmond with-her father.

    Difficult Child is still looking for jobs. He took one where he was sent emails for automotive parts, to be listed and sold on Craigslist, under an account he set up. The manager said that Difficult Child would get $500 each week, just for the listings, regardless of sales.
    Huh? How?
    Where's the contract?
    Difficult Child spent an entire day putting up listings. On my urging, he texted the manager and emailed him, in regard to a contract. Hasn't heard back from him yet.
    "So I quit listing things," Difficult Child said.
    Uh, yeahhhh
    "I guess it was a scam."

    He has gotten close to getting other jobs but all of the mgrs want to wait until school starts and then work in the schedule. Soooo frustrating.
    We have a bunch of new restaurants opening in a new retail ctr and he could be a busboy or dishwasher.
    He's on p. 100 of The Kiterunner.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jeez, Terry. That girl is a mess.

    Is she drinking while she is pregnant? That's one good way to have an underdeveloped baby. Even smoking makes babies smaller (Jumper's b-mother smoked and she was only 6 lbs. at full term).

    Terry, be very carry of CL. They have scams for EVERYTHING. They even have scams for apartments. They show beautiful apartments for $500 mo. and you jump at it and write and then you find out they need your bank account number first for verification. Since Difficult Child is not always sensible, I'd keep him off of Craigs List as a way to find or post jobs as there is always somebody just waiting to jump on somebody who is more vulnerable, like him.

    They even have car ads like that. Somebody contacts you about a car they own in another state. If you just send them $50K for the car and shipping, you will have your car in a few days. And people must fall for it or why would they do it?


    His best bet is the Department of Job Development. They are GREAT. Sonic got a job through them ahd I'm working with them now. They REALLY help you. You have to have documented disabilities, but certainly your son has had enough of those. This could seriously help him. They even have job coaches for the first few months until the client catches onto the job. And nobody will ask for money (sigh).

    Wishing you good luck as this evolves.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    Yes, Craigslist is one of those Buyer Beware places.
    Difficult Child has to do this sort of thing, though, to learn. If I had just told him no, he would have yelled at me. Like he did at dinner the other night. He rattled off several places he had applied and I said no, because they were too far away, and one was because he didn't have the skills (photography).
    So it's MY fault for telling him. Shoot the messenger.
    Fine. Waste time placing ads for someone else on Craigslist. :devilish::cry:
    He's getting jumpy about getting a job. H has been fighting with him a lot. I suspect the two are linked. Maybe she threatened to break up with him unless he's got a job? I can only hope.
  19. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I hope and pray that the baby is OK!

    Please keep us updated!

    I hope the father's home is a better environment than the mother's and the adults there will keep this young woman on the right path through her pregnancy.

    School has to be starting soon, though? Surely he will get a job soon if he is determined to have one.

    Does you son want to take responsibility for the baby? How is he handling the whole process?
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Apple, he cries a lot, spends a lot of time on his phone texting and talking to his new girlfriend and any guy friends he hasn't punched yet. :)
    We checked out a couple of "old" jobs in the mall this weekend, because he hadn't heard back.
    I found a lead for two more that we can do this week. A lot of it is who you know ... :(
    They changed their choice of the baby's first name to Charlotte, much more normal! So maybe they're listening to us. (He said it was because no one could pronounce the first name.)
    Our latest struggle is to get him on a plane to Minn for my niece's wedding next weekend. He keeps saying he's not going.
    He does this every time we take a trip. I hate flying too but I still go. :(
    We still have to remind him to take his medications 80% of the time.