A few ?'s

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Always Hoping, Aug 7, 2012.

  1. Always Hoping

    Always Hoping New Member

    1)neuropsychologist evaluation's- should I really get one or just work off of the diagnosis we have? What is the benefit of having a neuropsychologist evaluate him?

    2)Is it really me? We went to my mom's for a visit last week and today on the phone my mom talked to me about how difficult child is a handful and how if I don't get a grip on him he's going to end up in juvenile dentention. It was a horrible conversation where I ended up going to the bathroom and crying. Of course she just wanted me to realize that *I* need to make sure to get a break from him (how does telling me he'll end up in jd help in any way?) She said when difficult child went into my brother's room all my brother had to do was tell him "no, don't jump. No, don't play with that" and he stopped immediately but since he didn't do that with me I must be doing something wrong. Needless to say next time she brings up difficult child I'm telling her it's not up for discussion and bean dipping her. I realize I'm new here and there isn't any history here for you to go on, but has anyone else delt with anyone saying something similar? "He knows he can get away with it" was something she said and it makes me want to cry all over again because I don't see how I let him get away with anything. If he's rude or disrespectful he has to either "fix" it (apologize and try again) or go somewhere else until he can be civil (his room, a bathroom, whatever works at the moment) and I reaffirm that disrespect is not okay and I do not respond well to it at all. I don't know what she expects me to do. Hitting (including spanking) and yelling only make him (and me!) spiral out of control. Sometimes all he needs is food. Which leads me to the next question:

    3)What do you all do when your difficult child is disrespectful?

    I'm still really upset over my mom's accusation that "he knows he can get away with it" today. To me it = parenting failure. I'm pretty sure this has just completely changed my relationship with her.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon. How many times have I heard that? "She knows you'll let her and I won't"... "She needs a firm hand"...

    Lots of hugs. I'd type more but I'm mobile & don't do so well!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Repeat after me: "I am not a bad parent. I am not a bad parent. I am not a bad parent."

    Oh ya. Haven't we all been there done that?!!

    Dealing with "disrespectful"? Well... in one sense, I don't.
    There are literally dozens of ways to have a "meltdown". Disrespectful is one of them... and mild, at that.
    But... there are dozens of red flags.
    So, I had to learn "what comes before" any of these red flags.
    And for me? more than half of it boils down to one of:
    1) tired
    2) hungry
    3) overstimulated

    So I no longer allow him to get tired, or hungry, or overstimulated. At least, we plan our lives that way. Things still happen, but not nearly so often, and we know what to expect when it does happen.

    Because we head things off BEFORE we get "there" (whatever form of melt-down)... we don't have to deal with "it".

    The reason for seeking a more complete diagnosis is that it may give you more answers about what you are dealing with and how to approach various aspects of parenting this child. It also helps (usually) with getting school accommodations and interventions.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    mmmm yep. I don't hear it from my mother she is actually pretty good with him. It helps that her hearing is not as good as it used to be. I have heard it from others. I usually ask them to keep him for a week and get back to me on what worked. That pretty much shuts them up.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is an Aspie (which is a form of high functioning autism) he will NOT end up in juvie. Unless an Aspie has another diagnosis too, Aspies tend to be extreme rule followers when they get older. But they need help (even if he doesn't have it, he needs help). The benefit of having a diagnosis is that he will need services either from school (even though he is being homeschooled) or in the community. The Aspie behavior won't go away by itself and it has nothing to do with your being a "bad" parent. I would stop sharing so much with Mom if she's going to make you feel bad and cry.

    My son has high functioning autism. Some call it Aspergers. He is now nineteen. He was a lot like your son when he was little, only I was an older parent and I knew 1/not to share everything with others and 2/that it was not my fault when he acted "different." My son also engaged other children, but he really didn't know how to play with them and often just wanted to be by himself rather than play. Actually, the most important thing is to get him into interventions regardless of what a professional tells you he has right now. Diagnoses tend to change as our kids get older and things become clearer.

    Most of all, I just want to tell you that this is NOT your fault. You have a differently wired child who is not a "typical" child and that's why you have a problem with him. Often our kids behave well for people they don't see as often as us. Then they let it all hang out at home because it is hard for them to control themselves. They do it away from home, then they are so wound up from holding it in that they let it all out on those they are sure love them the most. It's actually a compliment.

    If he is on the spectrum, he probably doesn't understand or care that he is being disrespectful. This is hard, but it comes with time. My son is probably the sweetest young adult you will ever meet. He is never disrespectful anymore, yet at your son's age he was a hyperactive handful and a half.

    Nobody helped a child, however, by buring her head and hoping "it" went away (whatever "it" is). He is your child. You know something isn't quite right. You in my opinion need to pursue it and help him so he can be the best he can be. (((Hugs)))
  6. 1) Yes yes yes to the neuropsychologist evaluation. It can only give you more insight into what will benefit your son and it will also help you get help at school or with Occupational Therapist (OT) or any other services he may need. So I am a 100% yes to that. You'll also find out what his strengths are and it may help you look into using those strengths to help overcome weaknesses in other areas.

    2) No it's not you. You're not a bad parent but there are definitely some children that are much more difficult and challenging than others. I'm so sorry that your mom made you cry. If it helps my neighbour told me my son would end up a psychopath if I didn't get a handle on him - I think he was 6 or7 at the time and not all that much of a difficult kid. This woman had an autistic child and I would have thought she'd be more understanding. MWM said it very well when she said that our kids can hold it together for shorter periods of time with other people but feel free to let it all out with us. It is definitely a compliment, unfortunately most of us would rather not receive that one.

    3) When my difficult child was younger I made a list of consequences for common offences. It was right there on the wall in black and white. First time you get a warning - second time consequence. This helped a lot at home. Now that my difficult child is older - well, I wish I had answers for that - disrespect is pretty much the only thing that comes out of his mouth right now. Hmmmm, maybe you shouldn't listen to me. LOL> He's not a psychopath but he is very much a difficult child teen.
  7. Always Hoping

    Always Hoping New Member

    Thank you all do much (hugs) I can't tell you what your responses means to me!

    As for the neuropsychologist evaluation should I ask his psychiatric about it or get it set up outside of his psychiatric? I'm wondering if since his current psychiatric didn't think to set that up if asking about it would step on his toes? Or is it common for child psychiatric's to not set that type of evaluation up? How do you all recommend I go about doing that?
  8. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    You are in no way a bad parent!!! Somebody had to teach him to mind his manners when he is in a different atmosphere!!
    I have a 10 year old difficult child and he knows that we are supposed to be on best behavior at other people's homes and businesses. (not that it works all the time). My kiddo acts out at home usually. About the only people who see him act out are me and my husband, so people think I am lying. And my mother thinks it is because I don't "break his strong willed spirit(blah). My sisters refuse to talk about it as if it will make his funness disappear, and my mother in law is sure that I am raising a narcissist.

    For what it's worth a neuro psychiatric evaluation may give you answers for questions you didn't realize you had. They can usually at least give you a direction.

    Take a deep breath and realize how strong and amazing you must be that God intrusted you with a difficult child.
    People rarely realize how their words, even well meaning can break a whole day or week! Keep your head up! You got this!
  9. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I wholeheartedly agree with the others. My mother has said many of the same things to me and I no longer have much contact with her. I limit the contact, don't tell her anything, and refuse to discuss my kids with her. She was physically and (still is) emotionally abusive to me and I swore I would never raise my kids to be afraid of me like I am of her.

    As for the neuropsychologist, I would get an outside referral from your pediatrician/family doctor. Most professionals don't like being second-guessed and I would not risk stepping on your psychiatric's toes......yet. The neurospych I took difficult child 1 to was AWESOME and his reputation is that of the best in the state. He told me things I'd never even thought of and gave GREAT recommendations for accommodations and services in and out of school.

    You're doing a great job! No kid listens to their parents as well as they listen to other people. Never gonna happen so it doesn't surprise me that he listened to your brother better than you. DUH!

    {{{{HUGS}}}} I have so been where you are and to preserve some of your sanity, you might want to follow through on your plan when it comes to your mother. It's tough enough dealing with a difficult child, you don't need to bear the brunt of her blame besides.
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    My f i l told me my hyper verbal, impulsive 7 yr old that he needed a good butt whipping. I told him if he knew me and thought that a beating would fix difficult child and I wouldn't have done it, then he doesn't really understand.
    Everyone is an armchair quarterback. It makes a mother feel bad for their child and makes us feel bad as parents. It is not what you need. I just wanted someone to say, "you are doing so much to help your son, what are you doing?"
    I stopped telling family much. I tried to forewarn difficult child before we got to their house of what the expectation was for behavior because he really didn't have a clue. If there is constant criticism, stay home. Invite family to your home so difficult child is in his own environment.
    A neuropsychologist exam is a great baseline and gives you insight into your child's abilities and weaknesses.
    You are the captain of this ship. You get the information and will help direct your child's parenting and education. It isn't going to give you a treatment/educational/parenting plan.
    Good luck.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK, back to a real keyboard.

    Our psychiatrist and pediatrician couldn't/wouldn't help with the neuropsychologist, so we ended up going to the Children's Hospital in Cincinnati. I'm still not sure the diagnosis was right, but it's something to go on, to get Jett services that he so desperately needs. We're working on more...

    My Mom still occasionally jumps on me about Onyxx... But she "gets" it better, now. Honestly anymore she sympathizes with me. But for the longest time, I needed to do X, Y or Z to get her to behave... She ALWAYS behaved for Mom & Dad... Till the day she hauled off and hit my father. Turning point - Mom "got it" then - not as well as Dad, but better than before.

    One of my friends thinks I am either a saint or an angel. Another thinks Onyxx needs a good butt-whippin'. A third is a deal younger and tried to be a role model for Onyxx till Onyxx stabbed her in the back too with her lies (can we say, "I told you so"?).

    The biggest thing I have run into? The average non-family-member just does not understand. Even some family members don't. Onyxx & Jett's bio used to tell husband to man up, that what the kids needed was a strong woman to take charge. She physically and emotionally abused the kids. Jett responded beautifully, staying in his shell and out of her way. Onyxx acted out MORE.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In my opinion (and this only applies to our experience) the psychiatrist was much less helpful than our neuropsychologist. He misdiagnosed our son and said he had bipolar without even mentioning the autism. He was very hostile when we told him what the neuropsychologist (that we had found on our own) had told us so we dropped the psychiatric. He was just prescribing medications anyway and the medications were having a bad effect on our child, including nightly bedwetting, obesity, and lethargy and cognitive dulling. Now some k ids need the medications, but ours didn't. Once we removed the medications, he started doing better. Most of his help came from school and community interventions. Today he is nineteen and ready to find a job through Workforce Development. He's quite a happy young man with a group of friends and a personality all his own. I shudder to think of how he would be if we had gone along with the bipolar diagnosis, kept up the heavy medications, and not paid attention to the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I do not think he would be the very pleasant, likeable and cheerful young man he is today. He is not problem-free and he still has signs of the autistic spectrum disorder, but most of the time he is on an even keel. When he isn't, it means he did something he feels guilty about...there are no random moodswings so the bipolar diagnosis was bogus. He is probably my most even tempered child.

    My son stopped bedwetting a few days after we quit the Lithium and he has never done it again (or before the Lithium). These medications are very serious medications and some doctors act like they are candy.

    Neuropsychs do intensive testing. Psychiatrists don't. I think that's the difference.
  13. Always Hoping

    Always Hoping New Member

    Thank you all so much! He has a psychiatric and behavioral therapist appointments on the 13th and yearly check up the week after. If the psychiatric doesn't help get us set up with a neuropsychologist I'll talk with the pediatrician. I figure if the psychiatric is going to get ugly about the suggestion, then we need to find a new psychiatric anyway.