Mattsmom277
Active Member
difficult child's bio dad hasn't been in his life to any degree really. A few sporatic visits (maybe 5 in total) until age 11 or 12 when difficult child bolted in rebellion and tried living with him. Was thrown out to bio grandma after a couple of months (drama filled months involving police, drugs, alcohol and knife weidling, and it was NOT difficult child's stuff either). In the years until now, bio dad has talked on phone to difficult child 4-5 times and seen him once for about 2 hours over a burger at a Wendy's restaurant.
I have received a total of perhaps 2 years of child support in 17 years. He has not once given money to difficult child. Oh I nearly forgot, once about a year ago he sent $100 via his mother to pass along to difficult child. This is part of my gripe today....
So that $100, well grandmother insisted that difficult child could only go once a week to her house (across town, we have no car) to "visit" her and get $25 until the money ran out. That was not what his father said, it was intended for a concert out of town with friends that I was funding and told him he could figure out the spending money part. Anyhow, I was shocked bio dad sent ANYTHING. difficult child was upset at grandma as per history, she used his first and only gift from his father as a tool to manipulate him. He told me (and his grandmother) that if she had said she would like him to pop over to visit once a week, he'd have taken the invitation and visited weekly. But that it wasn't sitting well with him to have what was his gift of some money twisted for her own ends. In the end, she was insulted (for being called to carpet by a rational difficult child being polite but honest) and difficult child never saw a penny of that money.
Since that time last year, bio dad has promised over and over to catch up on the 15 years of arrears of support (Not to me, I don't speak to him, don't want to speak to him, never will speak to him.... he told this to difficult child when questioned by difficult child about not being a "stand up guy" - per difficult child's words - and contributing to his life). He has always worked, actually a very good high paying job. difficult child remains upset now to not have a father who pays to help take care of him.
Anyhow, this past year bio dad has promised money for 1) weekly allowance of $25, 2) school clothes last year, 3) winter clothes 4) summer clothes 5) new orthapedic running shoes I have to have customized for medical reasons 6) to replace his broken xbox 360 for his birthday 7) to replace his broken laptop as a passing school gift 8) money to get tickets to go visit his dad past Christmas holidays 9) money to visit dad for march break. None of these things happened.
Past 2 months difficult child's been hearing over and over how his dad would send cash for back to school shopping. Well neither of us held our breath. To our shock, bio dad messaged online last night that he sent a cheque to his mother to cash and give to Matt, should arrive Thurs-Fri. And a post dated cheque for next pay period in 2 weeks as well. $400 this week and another $200 in 2 weeks. difficult child, after lifting jaw off floor, figured out from flyers and store web sites, where to shop to get what he likes and make his money go the farthest. He made arrangements to go shopping with his best friend on Friday at a specific mall where I have a 15% discount and he can save all taxes etc.
Grandmother calls today. First call in about 7-8 months really. Tells difficult child that since cheque is on its way, she's going today to spend her own money and get clothes for difficult child and basketball shoes and will "pay herself back" when the cheque arrives. difficult child had to really work to not lose it and be disrespectful. He thanked her for being willing to spend her time doing that for him but he had plans with best friend for Friday, knew what stores had what he wanted at a sale price, plus has access to 15% discount so he'd just pick up his money Thurs or Fri and maybe visit with her if she has time for a visitor. Tactful I thought, in the face of knowing she was trying to force him into no control over anything.
Her response? Well I don't like that you pay so much for hoodies from those popular stores but won't buy name brand jeans. And i don't like that you pay for one pair of shoes what you could get two nice pairs for the same price. So I'll just get what you'll need and you can pick it up.
He got peeved. And peevish. He told her that he felt this was the same as last summer when he had something given to him by his own FATHER for the FIRST time in his LIFE, she had to use it to manipulate him and it wasn't okay by him. That he was polite and had good reason to tell her why he was going shopping with his own money, himself. That he intends to shop with his friend as planned, and he'd be by Thurs or Friday to pick up HIS money and again, if she wanted a visit he'd be happy to visit with her while he was there.
Her response? Well .. hrmph (insulted grunt like sound) ... you can come by and we can go out to lunch (her treat) and then SHE would take him shopping with HIS DADS money and if he wanted to tag along later with his friend while his friend shops that is up to him.
difficult child's response? Grandma, you are choosing to not listen to me so I'm choosing to say this one last time. I will be happy to visit with you and you don't need to bribe me with offering to go out to eat. I am going shopping on my own, along with my friend, and picking my own clothes, my own shoes, with my $400. In 2 weeks, I'll pick up the other $200. It stopped being my DADS money when he sent it to ME. If you decide to ignore me telling you this 3 times, and go ahead to shop for me, I will not accept anything you buy me as I don't want YOU to spend YOUR money to shop for me, and I have NOT agreed to you spending MY money without permission so expect to have $400 at the end of the week, and $200 in 2 weeks.
Her response, I'm talking to your father. Click.
IRKED? ME? HUH? BUT WHY???
GRRR!!!!
I know that at 17, difficult child will take care of this one way or another on his own and wouldn't want me to speak to her about it. It is hard though to not tell her to take her nose out of where it doesn't belong.
difficult child messaged a summary of the call to his dad in a email and let him know that it wasn't okay and he wasn't going to get sucked into a "issue" over this. And that it is dads problem to deal with since dad refuses to send the money directly to difficult child for some stupid reason. And he finished the email saying he'd be happy for his dad to never send him cash since he has no reason to miss what he hasn't had, except that he is fed up of having a dad 15 years of support accumulated in arrears and how it makes him feel to be not provided for by his own father. So basically he told him to cough up the support payments and back pay, or find a way to get his mother to back off or send the money directly to him.
Good for difficult child. But gosh that woman ... she sends me over the bend ... many of my white hairs are reflective of years of aggravation and annoyance from her.
Gripe done, thanks anyone who read my pitiful and pathetic rant about something that really, is a basket F item in the grand scheme.
I have received a total of perhaps 2 years of child support in 17 years. He has not once given money to difficult child. Oh I nearly forgot, once about a year ago he sent $100 via his mother to pass along to difficult child. This is part of my gripe today....
So that $100, well grandmother insisted that difficult child could only go once a week to her house (across town, we have no car) to "visit" her and get $25 until the money ran out. That was not what his father said, it was intended for a concert out of town with friends that I was funding and told him he could figure out the spending money part. Anyhow, I was shocked bio dad sent ANYTHING. difficult child was upset at grandma as per history, she used his first and only gift from his father as a tool to manipulate him. He told me (and his grandmother) that if she had said she would like him to pop over to visit once a week, he'd have taken the invitation and visited weekly. But that it wasn't sitting well with him to have what was his gift of some money twisted for her own ends. In the end, she was insulted (for being called to carpet by a rational difficult child being polite but honest) and difficult child never saw a penny of that money.
Since that time last year, bio dad has promised over and over to catch up on the 15 years of arrears of support (Not to me, I don't speak to him, don't want to speak to him, never will speak to him.... he told this to difficult child when questioned by difficult child about not being a "stand up guy" - per difficult child's words - and contributing to his life). He has always worked, actually a very good high paying job. difficult child remains upset now to not have a father who pays to help take care of him.
Anyhow, this past year bio dad has promised money for 1) weekly allowance of $25, 2) school clothes last year, 3) winter clothes 4) summer clothes 5) new orthapedic running shoes I have to have customized for medical reasons 6) to replace his broken xbox 360 for his birthday 7) to replace his broken laptop as a passing school gift 8) money to get tickets to go visit his dad past Christmas holidays 9) money to visit dad for march break. None of these things happened.
Past 2 months difficult child's been hearing over and over how his dad would send cash for back to school shopping. Well neither of us held our breath. To our shock, bio dad messaged online last night that he sent a cheque to his mother to cash and give to Matt, should arrive Thurs-Fri. And a post dated cheque for next pay period in 2 weeks as well. $400 this week and another $200 in 2 weeks. difficult child, after lifting jaw off floor, figured out from flyers and store web sites, where to shop to get what he likes and make his money go the farthest. He made arrangements to go shopping with his best friend on Friday at a specific mall where I have a 15% discount and he can save all taxes etc.
Grandmother calls today. First call in about 7-8 months really. Tells difficult child that since cheque is on its way, she's going today to spend her own money and get clothes for difficult child and basketball shoes and will "pay herself back" when the cheque arrives. difficult child had to really work to not lose it and be disrespectful. He thanked her for being willing to spend her time doing that for him but he had plans with best friend for Friday, knew what stores had what he wanted at a sale price, plus has access to 15% discount so he'd just pick up his money Thurs or Fri and maybe visit with her if she has time for a visitor. Tactful I thought, in the face of knowing she was trying to force him into no control over anything.
Her response? Well I don't like that you pay so much for hoodies from those popular stores but won't buy name brand jeans. And i don't like that you pay for one pair of shoes what you could get two nice pairs for the same price. So I'll just get what you'll need and you can pick it up.
He got peeved. And peevish. He told her that he felt this was the same as last summer when he had something given to him by his own FATHER for the FIRST time in his LIFE, she had to use it to manipulate him and it wasn't okay by him. That he was polite and had good reason to tell her why he was going shopping with his own money, himself. That he intends to shop with his friend as planned, and he'd be by Thurs or Friday to pick up HIS money and again, if she wanted a visit he'd be happy to visit with her while he was there.
Her response? Well .. hrmph (insulted grunt like sound) ... you can come by and we can go out to lunch (her treat) and then SHE would take him shopping with HIS DADS money and if he wanted to tag along later with his friend while his friend shops that is up to him.
difficult child's response? Grandma, you are choosing to not listen to me so I'm choosing to say this one last time. I will be happy to visit with you and you don't need to bribe me with offering to go out to eat. I am going shopping on my own, along with my friend, and picking my own clothes, my own shoes, with my $400. In 2 weeks, I'll pick up the other $200. It stopped being my DADS money when he sent it to ME. If you decide to ignore me telling you this 3 times, and go ahead to shop for me, I will not accept anything you buy me as I don't want YOU to spend YOUR money to shop for me, and I have NOT agreed to you spending MY money without permission so expect to have $400 at the end of the week, and $200 in 2 weeks.
Her response, I'm talking to your father. Click.
IRKED? ME? HUH? BUT WHY???
GRRR!!!!
I know that at 17, difficult child will take care of this one way or another on his own and wouldn't want me to speak to her about it. It is hard though to not tell her to take her nose out of where it doesn't belong.
difficult child messaged a summary of the call to his dad in a email and let him know that it wasn't okay and he wasn't going to get sucked into a "issue" over this. And that it is dads problem to deal with since dad refuses to send the money directly to difficult child for some stupid reason. And he finished the email saying he'd be happy for his dad to never send him cash since he has no reason to miss what he hasn't had, except that he is fed up of having a dad 15 years of support accumulated in arrears and how it makes him feel to be not provided for by his own father. So basically he told him to cough up the support payments and back pay, or find a way to get his mother to back off or send the money directly to him.
Good for difficult child. But gosh that woman ... she sends me over the bend ... many of my white hairs are reflective of years of aggravation and annoyance from her.
Gripe done, thanks anyone who read my pitiful and pathetic rant about something that really, is a basket F item in the grand scheme.
It's phenomenal really, and he's told often how proud I am of him in general and about how far he's come. He's going to grow into a terrific adult. I don't remember the last time I didn't enjoy having him around. That compared to all the years here in tears and not even having him be able to live here for fair near to a year. He's come so far 
