A gripe - difficult child's grandmother irks me today

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, Aug 31, 2010.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    difficult child's bio dad hasn't been in his life to any degree really. A few sporatic visits (maybe 5 in total) until age 11 or 12 when difficult child bolted in rebellion and tried living with him. Was thrown out to bio grandma after a couple of months (drama filled months involving police, drugs, alcohol and knife weidling, and it was NOT difficult child's stuff either). In the years until now, bio dad has talked on phone to difficult child 4-5 times and seen him once for about 2 hours over a burger at a Wendy's restaurant.

    I have received a total of perhaps 2 years of child support in 17 years. He has not once given money to difficult child. Oh I nearly forgot, once about a year ago he sent $100 via his mother to pass along to difficult child. This is part of my gripe today....

    So that $100, well grandmother insisted that difficult child could only go once a week to her house (across town, we have no car) to "visit" her and get $25 until the money ran out. That was not what his father said, it was intended for a concert out of town with friends that I was funding and told him he could figure out the spending money part. Anyhow, I was shocked bio dad sent ANYTHING. difficult child was upset at grandma as per history, she used his first and only gift from his father as a tool to manipulate him. He told me (and his grandmother) that if she had said she would like him to pop over to visit once a week, he'd have taken the invitation and visited weekly. But that it wasn't sitting well with him to have what was his gift of some money twisted for her own ends. In the end, she was insulted (for being called to carpet by a rational difficult child being polite but honest) and difficult child never saw a penny of that money.

    Since that time last year, bio dad has promised over and over to catch up on the 15 years of arrears of support (Not to me, I don't speak to him, don't want to speak to him, never will speak to him.... he told this to difficult child when questioned by difficult child about not being a "stand up guy" - per difficult child's words - and contributing to his life). He has always worked, actually a very good high paying job. difficult child remains upset now to not have a father who pays to help take care of him.

    Anyhow, this past year bio dad has promised money for 1) weekly allowance of $25, 2) school clothes last year, 3) winter clothes 4) summer clothes 5) new orthapedic running shoes I have to have customized for medical reasons 6) to replace his broken xbox 360 for his birthday 7) to replace his broken laptop as a passing school gift 8) money to get tickets to go visit his dad past Christmas holidays 9) money to visit dad for march break. None of these things happened.

    Past 2 months difficult child's been hearing over and over how his dad would send cash for back to school shopping. Well neither of us held our breath. To our shock, bio dad messaged online last night that he sent a cheque to his mother to cash and give to Matt, should arrive Thurs-Fri. And a post dated cheque for next pay period in 2 weeks as well. $400 this week and another $200 in 2 weeks. difficult child, after lifting jaw off floor, figured out from flyers and store web sites, where to shop to get what he likes and make his money go the farthest. He made arrangements to go shopping with his best friend on Friday at a specific mall where I have a 15% discount and he can save all taxes etc.

    Grandmother calls today. First call in about 7-8 months really. Tells difficult child that since cheque is on its way, she's going today to spend her own money and get clothes for difficult child and basketball shoes and will "pay herself back" when the cheque arrives. difficult child had to really work to not lose it and be disrespectful. He thanked her for being willing to spend her time doing that for him but he had plans with best friend for Friday, knew what stores had what he wanted at a sale price, plus has access to 15% discount so he'd just pick up his money Thurs or Fri and maybe visit with her if she has time for a visitor. Tactful I thought, in the face of knowing she was trying to force him into no control over anything.

    Her response? Well I don't like that you pay so much for hoodies from those popular stores but won't buy name brand jeans. And i don't like that you pay for one pair of shoes what you could get two nice pairs for the same price. So I'll just get what you'll need and you can pick it up.

    He got peeved. And peevish. He told her that he felt this was the same as last summer when he had something given to him by his own FATHER for the FIRST time in his LIFE, she had to use it to manipulate him and it wasn't okay by him. That he was polite and had good reason to tell her why he was going shopping with his own money, himself. That he intends to shop with his friend as planned, and he'd be by Thurs or Friday to pick up HIS money and again, if she wanted a visit he'd be happy to visit with her while he was there.

    Her response? Well .. hrmph (insulted grunt like sound) ... you can come by and we can go out to lunch (her treat) and then SHE would take him shopping with HIS DADS money and if he wanted to tag along later with his friend while his friend shops that is up to him.

    difficult child's response? Grandma, you are choosing to not listen to me so I'm choosing to say this one last time. I will be happy to visit with you and you don't need to bribe me with offering to go out to eat. I am going shopping on my own, along with my friend, and picking my own clothes, my own shoes, with my $400. In 2 weeks, I'll pick up the other $200. It stopped being my DADS money when he sent it to ME. If you decide to ignore me telling you this 3 times, and go ahead to shop for me, I will not accept anything you buy me as I don't want YOU to spend YOUR money to shop for me, and I have NOT agreed to you spending MY money without permission so expect to have $400 at the end of the week, and $200 in 2 weeks.

    Her response, I'm talking to your father. Click.



    I know that at 17, difficult child will take care of this one way or another on his own and wouldn't want me to speak to her about it. It is hard though to not tell her to take her nose out of where it doesn't belong.

    difficult child messaged a summary of the call to his dad in a email and let him know that it wasn't okay and he wasn't going to get sucked into a "issue" over this. And that it is dads problem to deal with since dad refuses to send the money directly to difficult child for some stupid reason. And he finished the email saying he'd be happy for his dad to never send him cash since he has no reason to miss what he hasn't had, except that he is fed up of having a dad 15 years of support accumulated in arrears and how it makes him feel to be not provided for by his own father. So basically he told him to cough up the support payments and back pay, or find a way to get his mother to back off or send the money directly to him.

    Good for difficult child. But gosh that woman ... she sends me over the bend ... many of my white hairs are reflective of years of aggravation and annoyance from her.

    Gripe done, thanks anyone who read my pitiful and pathetic rant about something that really, is a basket F item in the grand scheme.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    I think grandma belongs in a particular broom closet that I am very familiar with.

    That takes some gonads to repeatedly go against both her son's intents and an almost adult's striaght up and repeated message of "that is not ok".

    Good for difficult child for handling it, tho.

    And fwiw, good for ex for sending something for once...maybe he will actually get to see this one.
  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Wow. Good for difficult child! I'm impressed at how he stood his ground and called his grandmother to account. The grandmother, now - sounds like a complete twin of my own mother, who did almost exactly the same thing years ago re my daughter. The grandmother is not only controlling difficult child by dictating what SHE will buy in clothes, and when, and only with her, but she is almost certainly keeping the majority of the money.

    I'm glad difficult child wrote his bio-dad to tell him. Bio-Dad needs to send the money directly to difficult child or not send it at all; or, if he really wants to continue sending hundreds of $$ to his mother for her own use, so be it. But he needs to know so he can make a rational decision.

    I don't think this is a basket 'F' issue - I think it's pretty major, and I completely understand why you're irked. I'd be steaming!
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thanks for commiserating with me gals ... Im still feeling irked. Especially because difficult child came out of his room again to vent a bit to me. He's really upset at this, because grandmother has pulled plenty a stunt to "control" him over the years. Due to her **** like this, their relationship went for one of being very very close, to very very distant. And the more she does this, the further apart they grow. And the more difficult child has to tell grandmother himself that she is the cause of the problem. He has spelled out for her over and over that she needs not bribe him, just be a grandma. Not with money spent on him (she spent years spoiling him to where I wanted to scream) in order to "buy" his affection. She got angry when he stopped being woo'ed as he got older, by her mad shopping sprees for pricey gifts. He started asking for a relationship based on mutual enjoyment of one another, not "stuff". He was uncomfortable that his cousins don't get treated like he was, they would be so hurt and he asked to get normal gifts like they did to be fair. Anyhow, she went years without sending him anything (Well always there is a birthday card in the mail which difficult child always looks for the morning of my birthday, he likes those). Then one Christmas she invited him for dinner and to get some gifts she bought him. The tree was packed with gifts (again) and then she told him he could have 2 every time he comes over to her place. They were all clothes, which he loves, but he felt weird about getting spoiled once again beyond anything near what his cousins got from grandma. And he didn't like the manipulation again regarding visits in order to "get stuff". He told her she should return the rest of the presents because he wanted to be invited to visit just to visit, and if she got him gifts it shouldn't be a "tool" for her, THEN he would enjoy getting something for holidays. She never called again till the following Christmas. No gifts, he was happy as a clam to visit her and told me he was happy she got him nothing, just a nice visit. He started visiting her more. And lately she's back to her old game playing.

    This woman peeves me off to no end. She just doesn't want to get who my difficult child is. And what he wants from her, which is just her, Know what I mean?? He misses the relationship they had. But he is far too "Grown" to be played, and he's wanting something "normal" in their bond again.

    *sigh* be an interesting week around here!
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    All I can say is WOW!
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I have to say that I am HUGELY IMPRESSED with difficult child and the way he handled that very, very frustrating conversation with his grandmother. He did better than many non-difficult children would have done in that same situation.

    I LOVE the way he handled it. BRAVO! Good for him!!!

    As for being irked? You have every right to be...but I hope you are feeling proud at the same time.

    I hope Dad comes around and does right by difficult child...
  7. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    He impresses me muchly too. He has grown up a lot. And he's very firm about what he wants from his father and his grandmother. He simply wants a relationship, and he refuses to be sucked into any games. They hurt him so much over the years, that he is ready to stick to his guns and try to set the tone for a healthy relationship. And if he can't have that, he doesn't want anything really. He is a good kid at heart
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She is a real piece of work, isn't she?

    Maybe Dad should send the money to Western Union if he is afraid that if he sends it to your easy child (no way is a kid who has handled this the way your son has for this long still a difficult child, in my opinion anyway) then you will somehow "get" it or whatever. Then easy child could have the $ in a timely manner, not be caught up in all this drama, and be able to visit Gma for reasons other than money/gifts/bribery.

    Your son is truly amazing. He has outgrown the difficult child label in a wonderful way - what a young man to be proud of!!!!!!
  9. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Wow what a story ! And I though my mother in law was difficult ! I have to say that you should be one proud Mama. difficult child handled things perfectly, although I have the feeling he is going to have to continue to be put through grandma's ****, he stood up for himself and maybe she will back down some.
  10. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    He is pretty easy child :) It's phenomenal really, and he's told often how proud I am of him in general and about how far he's come. He's going to grow into a terrific adult. I don't remember the last time I didn't enjoy having him around. That compared to all the years here in tears and not even having him be able to live here for fair near to a year. He's come so far :)
  11. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    That is wonderful ! He truly is a easy child ! Success stories are what keep me going !
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Kudos to him for standing his ground. I can so relate to grandma's bs...Miss KT's grandmother (her father's mother) attempts similar controls. It works well with Useless Boy (aka Miss KT's father), being in his 50's and completely relying on his mother for all financial support, but Miss KT balks. Every time. I discovered there was a trust set up for Miss KT when Grandma forced her to sign a tax refund when she was 14...got all pertinent info from the IRS and THEN filed a criminal investigation report on Grandma, because she was filing tax returns for a minor child, using that minor child's SSN, without the consent of the minor child's custodial parent. On Miss KT's 18th birthday, we showed up at the trustee's, and Miss KT gave them chapter and verse about Grandma's control issues. Since they were friends of Grandma's and she was no longer looking like the perfect grandma, after Miss KT told the truth, she toned it down. Sort of.

    Hugs for you both. You did good, Mom!