A Hard Day. There is such comfort in posting. I don't even have a question, really.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Apr 15, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Our daughter left treatment facility AMA about a month ago. In that time, she has been in a car accident. The male she has been so drawn to for the past months was driving her van. Rumor has it he drove into a stone wall intentionally. Her van is totaled. She received a lacerated liver. Surgery was not required. She went back to him once she was discharged from hospital.

    Last year at this time, she was working. She received $7500 tax return this year. Had rented a cheap motel room for the two of them.

    It seems they were thrown out of that room some days ago.

    She called this morning.

    She has no money left. The man has disappeared. She continues to look for him. (Maybe in jail? Detox?) She tells us she has been living in an abandoned house since they were evicted from the motel and the man disappeared, and that, three days ago, she was raped at knifepoint.

    She said she has not eaten in three days.

    Though we swore we would not do it, we sent her $30.

    I contacted NAMI in her city. The person who called me back was wonderful to talk to. The city has everything a homeless person could want ~ shelter, place where food is served, excellent social services and medical care for the indigent.

    I remember someone here on the site writing once that people who find themselves in this position generally know all the places to go for help.

    I don't even know what my question is. I feel kind of shocky. husband, too. It is one thing to know things are going badly. It is something so horribly different to hear your child, adult or not, relate what is happening to her.

    She refused to go to the police. Said there might be a warrant for her arrest.

    I didn't even ask.

    I know the Serenity Prayer helps. We are going to take the NAMI Family to Family classes. I am posting here, and that helps.

    I don't think I even have a question.

    It helps to post, and not be alone with it.

    I am so glad you are here.

  2. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Barbara, I just wanted you to know that I hear you, and we are all here to listen to you. Just talk away, talk as much as you want and need. That's what friends are for. We are always here for you.

    Love, Esther
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Oh my, I'm so sorry.

    I probably would have sent the 30 bucks too.

    ((gentle hugs))
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You don't have to have a question to post. Sometimes it just helps to get it out. Sending hugs and support.
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    So sorry Barbara.

    Amazing how our kids take dead aim at self-sabotage going 100 miles per hour. And there's not a thing we can do about it.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I understand shocky. My difficult child's drama was making my BiPolar (BP) sky high. I had to completely step back.

    She's lucky to have good resources for the homeless. Hopefully she will take advantage of them.

    Take care of yourself, we all understand how hard it is to be in this situation.
    (((huggs and blessings for us all)))
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Barbara- I'm so very sorry! I do understand that feeling of complete and utter helplessness when there is nothing you can do to help your child. You are not alone! Post and vent here whenever you need to whether you have a question or not. It helps so much to just get things out sometimes. Sending you lots of gentle hugs.
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2013
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I understand how heart wrenching it is to watch our children continue to self destruct and just continue to make the wrong choices. I have told my difficult child that she should always do the opposite of what she wants to do - she would get a lot further in life!! Unfortunately we are forced witnesses to this horror.
    Now I don't know the history of your difficult child, but I know mine has told some pretty outlandish stories. Not too long ago she had "bullets whizzing by her head".
    These kids are incredibly resourceful!! Mine has managed to be homeless for about three years now and somehow sleeps in a motel room every day. I don't get it. She has never had a job and collected a paycheck....
    (((hugs))) I still beg my daughter to go back to treatment....it still gets me nowhere but stressed out and heartbroken.
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Addiction is such an infectious disease. It invades everyone in the family and it sounds like it will only get worsebefore it gets better. Sending strength.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry, Barbara. It is tiring, isn't it? I hope you can detach and get some rest. Do something nice for you!
  11. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    So sorry Barbara.

  12. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    My heart goes out to you...
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Sending you gentle hugs. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I'm here to listen.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara, I am so very sorry. Sometimes with our kids, it's a nightmare you can't wake up from and right now, today, you got stuck in her nightmare. I understand shocky and the utter despair you can feel when you are on the sidelines watching your child self destruct. She may or may not avail herself to the shelter, the resources, I hope she does, but sometimes, sigh, they don't. Whatever demons run them, we are not able to understand or reach inside and make a difference.

    My belief and the support I always give to parents is to get yourself MEGA support. Find a therapist, a group, a church, a program,........ the NAMI family to family classes will help a lot, I'm glad you are going to that. In the meantime, find a way to keep your focus on you as much as humanly possible. I'm telling you this from my experience with a daughter much like yours, who is not okay, makes horrific choices and is always in unsafe environments with unsafe people................if you don't find a way to get yourself to a place of solace in this chaos, you will go crazy, you will have high degrees of stress, sleepless nights, physical issues due to all the stress, your life will essentially be a nightmare.............we cannot watch our kids lives go down the tubes and stay healthy without a village of help (in my opinion)

    Here's what I did...........acupuncture, a year long codependency class, a private therapist, 12 step codependency groups, this site, increased my exercise, cleaned up my diet, got plenty of sleep, set up massages and facials on a continuing basis, started meditating, practiced deep breathing, did yoga, read every book I could on parents of challenging kids, enabling, codependency, etc. had lunch dates with other mothers going through what I am going through, contacted NAMI and went to groups, cried buckets of tears when I had to, tried to laugh as much as I could, black humor sometimes, but it was still humor. Wrote long emails to my good friends mapping out all my fears and feelings................with the little time I had left, I lived in my daughter's chaos and died a thousand deaths................BUT, just today I saw my therapist, I see her once a month now and my daughter's life has hardly changed, but I have changed immensely, my therapist calls it 'recovery' and the absolute knowledge, deep down inside of me, that I have no control over anyone else's life or choices and that I cannot prevent whatever may happen. I've learned to live here in this place of uncertainty without controlling it. It was hard won, it was, as you once said so eloquently, a personal devastation like no other........and if you get the help, if you learn the tools of detachment, if you accept what you cannot change, if you let go of control..............you can find peace. Not an easy task, I understand, but it can be done. Otherwise, every time your daughter makes a horrid choice, you will go down that rabbit hole with her. What good will that do? How will that help her? I meditate and send my daughter love, surround her with light, with love and let go. I pray for her and give her over to God. That is ALL I can do.

    God bless you Barbara, I hope whatever higher power you connect with brings you grace and calms your spirit.............I wish you peace and I send you the most gentle of hugs and with all my heart, I want you to know this, I've lived where you now are and now I don't.............focus on YOU.
  15. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You can count on us, we're here to listen, and to help if we can. Hugs to you and husband.
  16. Oh Barbara, I am so sorry. I too understand that shocky feeling that you described. And I know what you mean about finding comfort in just posting.

    This is awful and you are nowhere near your daughter but you have done what you can to help by making some phone calls to see what resources she can make use of if she chooses to. I hope she makes use of them.

    I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope you find some peace amongst all of her chaos today. Hugs.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RE says things in such a wonderful way that is incredibly hard to follow her. She makes me feel so inadequate.

    Barbara, you have done so much for your kids. I can only imagine how difficult that news was to hear. I know that I felt so sorry for my parents getting that phone call about me all those years ago. It was the one thing that I did feel so awful about for them. I dont know how a parent can handle getting a phone call in the middle of the night from the police telling them to come to the hospital because their daughter had been kidnapped and raped. I think I would simply lose it.

    Your daughter is in an extremely lucky area to have such great services for people in her situation. Not everywhere has such services. I am so glad you can provide her with that information and I hope she will use them. Im not sure of the ages of her kids so I dont know if it wise that they know of all of this. I hope they arent with her. It really doesnt surprise me much of the way she is acting, Im sorry to say. Unmedicated bipolar people simply dont make good choices. Heck medicated bipolar people can make dumb choices sometimes.

    Please know you cant do anything to change her behavior. You cant work harder on her problems than she is nor should you. She isnt a small child that you are responsible for caring for. Love her unconditionally but give her the wings to do this for herself. I hope she will get tired of her situation and pull herself up. It took me until I was 38 to really understand what was wrong with me. That was a long time I know. I hope it doesnt take her that long.

  18. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Thank you. As always, it helps to post about it, to know someone else knows what is happening. It's a funny thing. I was almost as focused on what you had all responded as I was on what happened. Like a cleared path in a forest, sanity shining at the end. And so, I could get there.

    I'm feeling better, now. (Remember that line, in the movie "On Golden Pond"? When the husband thinks he's had a heart attack and it turns out to be a false alarm?)


    Recovering, as always...thank you. Skotti, I feel pretty inadequate next to Recovering, too! That's alright, though. I thank you especially for sharing these so personal, so painful things with me. They touched something deeply buried and brought it up where I could see and forgive and heal it.

    Thank you, Skotti.

    Lasted edited by : Jul 10, 2013