A letter I found...

[lovemysons]

I apparently wrote this while my oldest difficult child was in jail (before he was sent to prison). At that time I was very involved with AA and Al Anon. I need to get "back there" again for my young difficult child now. As young difficult child sits in jail I want to be able to express the reality of the situation for him too. I need to say it once and for all.
I am reminded as I read this letter that this IS a disease...like a cancer that seeks to destroy our difficult child's and all who love them...US.

"My dear (difficult child),

I can't even begin to describe the horror and pain I felt inside as I left visitation with you this morning.
I collapsed on the hallway floor having a panic attack as I made my way back to the lobby. Others around me cared for me til I got myself together enough to leave the building and drive home.

Right now I am depressed and in great need of both an AA meeting and an Al Anon meeting. I just keep flashing back on your life and crying...wondering...what will it take for you to love you and value your existence? What will it take to make you care about your own life and even have a life worth sharing and caring for others.

When I look into the future, based on your thoughts/feelings this morning...all I see is you being completely hopeless even ungrateful. I highly suggest you find the simplest of things to be grateful for and write them down daily.

Do you want to be a father someday?
Do you want to be an Uncle someday?
Do you want to care about others...to work with those that are afflicted , like yourself, with the disease of addiction?

Those are all questions that I think you need to answer for yourself. Take a stand (difficult child) Face yourself and determine who and what you're about.

Please don't let drugs decide your path in life. Drugs want to take everything away from you. You're going to have to make a conscious decision to fight for your life on a daily basis. Just as I do for mine.

I am getting stronger (difficult child). I have a life worth living and even more...it is about me, not your or my mother or even you kids. I don't have the same beliefs as others about a great many things. I am not nor are you, just an extension of your dad. I am my own person and there are people accept what I am in and of myself.

Please don't live your life for the approval of others...Your dad, me, et. And please please oh please don't give up on your life for anyone else either.

For once (difficult child) use your defiance and determination to raise a holy war against your "diseased will" and the stronghold of addiction. Don't become just another statistic. I know you (difficult child) and you are not evil or bad. You are self-destructive. You are an addict. You need daily help to live a healthy life.

Look at our family (difficult child)

My dad- Alcoholic
Dad's mom- Alcoholic
Her dad- Alcoholic
Uncle K- Drug Addict
Aunt S- Drug Addict
Dad- Alcoholic
Me- Alcoholic
You- Drug Addict
Brother-Drug Addict
Cousin D- Likely addict

Do you see what we all have in commen?

This is not something to ever take lightly. You will have to put into practice a program of daily recovery in order to win the fight against the disease of addiction and all it seeks to destroy in you and your life.

Make the decision (difficult child) or it will be decided for you. No amount of my love can change this condition. It's up to you (difficult child). I love you with all my heart and soul. Mom"

 

[Nancy]

LMS (((((HUGS))))).

You can be the one to break the cycle. Get to a meeting, AA, al-anon, narc-anon, families anonymous, anything that will start your road to recovery and detachment.

The AA meetings I go to are a great way for me to realize poeple can and do get better, but they don't get better because their families tell them to. They do it because the pain of staying that way has finally gotten worse than the pain of changing.

Nancy

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

You are one strong, powerful lady. That is an amazing letter. Even though I guess you didn't send it, difficult child has done it. I know youngest is still living the addiction, oldest used that determination and got a clean life. Right now he is using hsi church to help him. As he grows up he will mellow, we ALL do it. even you and me, lol. So in time, as his kids get older and begin to exercise their free will and form opinions and express them, he iwll mellow too. Right now? He has a sober life, a wife he loves and some great kids. That is such a HUGE change and in less than a decade!! in my opinion that is HUGE.

I bet that youngest might benefit from a letter like that too. But keep a copy wehre you can see it often.

 

[buddy]

What a heartfelt letter. amazing.

 

[lovemysons]

Nancy,
Thank you for the hug and the reminder that all of my "words" are not what will get young difficult child sober.

I have been in recovery many many years Nancy...Haven't been to a meeting though in around 5 yrs, since the psychotic break was so centered around G-d and the Devil...good and evil. It was horrifying and I was very involved with the "spiritual side" of the AA AL Anon program at the time. I guess I am concerned that if I start going back and get all wrapped up in it again that the same thing will happen to me again. I can't go through that, I almost died...or could have accidentally killed someone else while having the psychotic break: I had every kind of hallucination you can imagine. All the people I loved "looked" like the "devil" except, strangely enough, for young difficult child and easy child. I tried to grab a police officers gun to shoot myself. I ran to a neighbor's backyard (because they had a white gate and I thought G-d was there) went to their back door while they pleaded for me to leave...anyway, it goes on and on and on. I was manic. What I think I should do is look into going to a co-dependency meeting or mental illness meetings as Rejectedmom has mentioned to me in the past.

Susie,
I DID send the letter to oldest difficult child...got his things back when he got out of prison.
Thank you for the compliments...You are a sweety.
Got another letter from young difficult child yesterday. He says his "mood is good". He has been drawing in jail and sent a nice little tapestry of sorts for his wife.

Buddy,
Thank you...I used to just pour myself out in writing. That was before the psychotic break and now being on Abilify. The Abilify has greatly reduced the "intensity of emotions". In many ways I am a happier, very much more so, stable person...but a part of me is gone too. Sometimes my husband tells me that he misses that "vibrant woman he married". It is a trade off...but one I am happy to have made (wish it hadn't come from a psycotic breakdown though).
I like the me that I am today...Not too extreme, but alas, my writing has suffered because of it.

Thank you guys for caring.
LMS