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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 752594" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>This is difficult, isn't it? It's as if we are holding our breath waiting to see if they will at least succeed at a small goal which quite honestly for me sometimes I'd wished I could do it for them.</p><p></p><p>When I finally decided that I was so very done with them controlling me is when I was finally was able to make changes for me. I had realized that to some degree, even though it was miserable, it was easier having the certainty they would fail or not change a thing than to have to try to orchestrate their success at life for them and hold their adult hands through it too.</p><p></p><p>Then for me, I realized I wasn't obligated to do either of those things. I was not in charge of whether they succeeded or failed, whether they worked or starved, whether they had a roof over their heads, whether they had gas in their cars. I did most definitely think this up until only a couple of months ago. It took me a long, long time with much agony, frustration and financial stress to get to this point, and of course prayer.</p><p></p><p>A little while ago I had been posting that I couldn't stop looking at my older son's e-mails which were always, always, always verbally abusive and threatening to me. I think it was Copa who told me that your perspective (which I loved) was that it was because each time I looked at the e-mails I was hoping that he might have changed and was this time, saying nice things to me and giving me the love and relationship I always wanted and hoped for. I was, at the time, willing to take the slim chance he was better or go with what I knew in my heart, that it was likely garbage again. Not anymore. This hasn't been easy because I use the excuses they have addictions, mental issues etc. and therefore, have more of a struggle to succeed.</p><p></p><p>For me, for a very long time, I kind of kept one foot in and one foot out. I didn't set down the boundaries and keep the boundaries I needed to with my adult children. I did this for so long (and I'm likely not cured yet!). For myself, I'd say, they're going to have to get a job, they're going to have to have responsibility of their lives, BUT I went back on my own boundaries and began to try to fix and rescue them again.</p><p></p><p>There is so much to and fro in our learning to finally detach which is agonizing at first and many a tear will be shed but to stay on the merry-go-round that made me, by my own accord, believe I had to fix, rescue and save my 30 yr. old and 26 yr. old is mentally, emotionally and psychologically draining.</p><p></p><p>The change for me has been like walking on the tightrope but without a net below me. When I finally realized, the net below me, was God and that I didn't have to do it anymore, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.</p><p></p><p>I'm not out of the woods yet but I can see the light through the forest.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 752594, member: 23405"] This is difficult, isn't it? It's as if we are holding our breath waiting to see if they will at least succeed at a small goal which quite honestly for me sometimes I'd wished I could do it for them. When I finally decided that I was so very done with them controlling me is when I was finally was able to make changes for me. I had realized that to some degree, even though it was miserable, it was easier having the certainty they would fail or not change a thing than to have to try to orchestrate their success at life for them and hold their adult hands through it too. Then for me, I realized I wasn't obligated to do either of those things. I was not in charge of whether they succeeded or failed, whether they worked or starved, whether they had a roof over their heads, whether they had gas in their cars. I did most definitely think this up until only a couple of months ago. It took me a long, long time with much agony, frustration and financial stress to get to this point, and of course prayer. A little while ago I had been posting that I couldn't stop looking at my older son's e-mails which were always, always, always verbally abusive and threatening to me. I think it was Copa who told me that your perspective (which I loved) was that it was because each time I looked at the e-mails I was hoping that he might have changed and was this time, saying nice things to me and giving me the love and relationship I always wanted and hoped for. I was, at the time, willing to take the slim chance he was better or go with what I knew in my heart, that it was likely garbage again. Not anymore. This hasn't been easy because I use the excuses they have addictions, mental issues etc. and therefore, have more of a struggle to succeed. For me, for a very long time, I kind of kept one foot in and one foot out. I didn't set down the boundaries and keep the boundaries I needed to with my adult children. I did this for so long (and I'm likely not cured yet!). For myself, I'd say, they're going to have to get a job, they're going to have to have responsibility of their lives, BUT I went back on my own boundaries and began to try to fix and rescue them again. There is so much to and fro in our learning to finally detach which is agonizing at first and many a tear will be shed but to stay on the merry-go-round that made me, by my own accord, believe I had to fix, rescue and save my 30 yr. old and 26 yr. old is mentally, emotionally and psychologically draining. The change for me has been like walking on the tightrope but without a net below me. When I finally realized, the net below me, was God and that I didn't have to do it anymore, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'm not out of the woods yet but I can see the light through the forest. [/QUOTE]
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