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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 752720" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Oh, ladies, please be kind to yourselves. What if you worked a full time job? I always have. I love my business. My two other kids have always worked. The extended family works.</p><p></p><p>You know what I hear from Kay? She doesn't see me as a role model. I am not sure that these adult kids do. But anyway my working encourages her to say,"You and Dad are rich (not true) so you can't even give me $100? And you say you love me when we are hungry (also not true)." And then Christmas comes. "I just want cash. You're rich. Don't tell me that crap that you aren't. You can give us $1000 and you wouldn't miss it." </p><p></p><p>So what do they see? That you are a hard worker and that they should model it or that you have money to hand over to them? Remember that the kids who bring us here are very selfish and my daughter at least, in every situation, sees only what is in it for her. She truly believes we have millions that we are too stingy to share.</p><p></p><p>I was so sick of hearing how rich we are. She made sure that is not true. Or WE made sure by giving so much. Never once did Kay say or even notice "You work so hard! I want to do the same. That way I can pay my bills (haha,) and have extra." Her mind doesn't think beyond what can I get out of this?</p><p></p><p>We tried to bring her into our business, paying her more than she was worth. She did not do her job, stole and caused two big altercations that required police intervention. </p><p></p><p>In Al Anon I learned that we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. That in my opinion is more than just addiction. That is laziness, poor character, victim mode, unwillingness to better situations or to get help. We have no control over any of that with them.</p><p></p><p>In our 60s most retire, although we probably never will completely. But that isn't the point. Our normal kids (and I use normal to mean most adult.kids) don't suddenly think "They retired so I quit too!"</p><p></p><p>Our children use anything as an excuse to do nothing. If we don't work, if we work, if we worked all our lives and retire, if we never do, if we dance, if we sing, there is no end. </p><p></p><p>We lack the ability to influence our adult kids by what WE do. They twist everything to a negative or don't even notice. Very me centric. I read here and I am ashamed to say that I feel a little better knowing that my daughter is not the only one who does these things. I don't tend to see this in real life. I suspect this is one area people don't share. It's too hurtful and we get blamed.</p><p></p><p>We need to be realistic in my opinion and stop blaming ourselves. Our kids are 20, 30, 40 and know how their peers behave. They don't look at what Mommy does. They are.mostly quite bright. Many manage to live years on the streets with no jobs. That takes a certain skill set. It may not be legal, but they manage. </p><p></p><p>If we are older or sick, I don't think getting a job even if it's not good for us will change our kids in any way. They are more important to us than we are to them. This hurts.</p><p></p><p> They use us mostly for gain. It hurts me to say this. It may not be every one's truth. It is our truth with Kay. She has mirrored none of our family values.</p><p></p><p>As beaten up and tired parents, I think we need to see that what we do does not influence our grown kids. We need to be peaceful that we did all we could. At their ages only they can get help and change. And our getting jobs in my opinion won't motivate them to do the same. I hate it when we look for their reasons in our own hurting hearts. All we did was love them. Kay uses the live against us too.</p><p></p><p>God bless everyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 752720, member: 23706"] Oh, ladies, please be kind to yourselves. What if you worked a full time job? I always have. I love my business. My two other kids have always worked. The extended family works. You know what I hear from Kay? She doesn't see me as a role model. I am not sure that these adult kids do. But anyway my working encourages her to say,"You and Dad are rich (not true) so you can't even give me $100? And you say you love me when we are hungry (also not true)." And then Christmas comes. "I just want cash. You're rich. Don't tell me that crap that you aren't. You can give us $1000 and you wouldn't miss it." So what do they see? That you are a hard worker and that they should model it or that you have money to hand over to them? Remember that the kids who bring us here are very selfish and my daughter at least, in every situation, sees only what is in it for her. She truly believes we have millions that we are too stingy to share. I was so sick of hearing how rich we are. She made sure that is not true. Or WE made sure by giving so much. Never once did Kay say or even notice "You work so hard! I want to do the same. That way I can pay my bills (haha,) and have extra." Her mind doesn't think beyond what can I get out of this? We tried to bring her into our business, paying her more than she was worth. She did not do her job, stole and caused two big altercations that required police intervention. In Al Anon I learned that we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. That in my opinion is more than just addiction. That is laziness, poor character, victim mode, unwillingness to better situations or to get help. We have no control over any of that with them. In our 60s most retire, although we probably never will completely. But that isn't the point. Our normal kids (and I use normal to mean most adult.kids) don't suddenly think "They retired so I quit too!" Our children use anything as an excuse to do nothing. If we don't work, if we work, if we worked all our lives and retire, if we never do, if we dance, if we sing, there is no end. We lack the ability to influence our adult kids by what WE do. They twist everything to a negative or don't even notice. Very me centric. I read here and I am ashamed to say that I feel a little better knowing that my daughter is not the only one who does these things. I don't tend to see this in real life. I suspect this is one area people don't share. It's too hurtful and we get blamed. We need to be realistic in my opinion and stop blaming ourselves. Our kids are 20, 30, 40 and know how their peers behave. They don't look at what Mommy does. They are.mostly quite bright. Many manage to live years on the streets with no jobs. That takes a certain skill set. It may not be legal, but they manage. If we are older or sick, I don't think getting a job even if it's not good for us will change our kids in any way. They are more important to us than we are to them. This hurts. They use us mostly for gain. It hurts me to say this. It may not be every one's truth. It is our truth with Kay. She has mirrored none of our family values. As beaten up and tired parents, I think we need to see that what we do does not influence our grown kids. We need to be peaceful that we did all we could. At their ages only they can get help and change. And our getting jobs in my opinion won't motivate them to do the same. I hate it when we look for their reasons in our own hurting hearts. All we did was love them. Kay uses the live against us too. God bless everyone. [/QUOTE]
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