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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 752723" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>I agree. Whatever the root cause of the behaviors of our difficult kids, they share incredibly common traits of behavior. They tend to be completely me centered, act uncaring of those who love them the most, do not adhere to our boundaries, do not like social norms, self sabatage, and are not pleasant to be around. The last may be the worst. It is for my husband and me.</p><p></p><p>I found Al Anon's twelve steps to work for every aspect of my life with difficult people. I don't limit it to addiction. </p><p></p><p>This is my personal first three steps over Kay, taken from Al Anon.</p><p></p><p>We admitted we were powerless over our difficult child...that our lives had become unmanageable.</p><p></p><p>Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.</p><p></p><p>Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.</p><p></p><p>All the steps are important to me, but these three are the ones I always go back to.</p><p></p><p>It is not just addiction that we can not control. It is anything about anyone else. We are powerless. And for me God can take this when I can not, no matter what "it" is.</p><p></p><p>We don't have the same power over these kids that they have over us. I think that in many cases we love them more than they love us. I know this is so with Kay. She has shown it repeatedly. We worried ourselves sleepless over her, yet when my husband was deathly ill with pneumonia and when I had Shingles, Kay never visited us. Never offered to help. Our other kids helped us, not Kay. Rick ran our business and took care of the house and visited all he could. Amy sat by her father's hospital bed, a rock of strength, and Kay never came because "hospitals make me queasy." She called the hospital sometimes and asked "Is Dad okay? I know he will be okay." Then she would go on about her hard life. I kid you not.</p><p></p><p>If Kay had been ill, we would have sat vigil in her room. All of us. Now as well as before.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult kids in my opinion are truly God's kids. If we don't hand them lovingly to Him, as we understand Him...or Her, we will spend our lives very sad and frustrated as we try to make a difference in the lives of stubborn kids who don't care if they hurt anyone else or by their behavior. They have mostly been indulged, loved greatly and given every advantage. They are entitled, not grateful. Maybe we gave too much??? I grew up very humbly and did not even have new clothes. My mother sewed my clothes or we went to thrift shops. Everything was hard fought, including college. Yet I adore my parents and would do anything for them. I don't understand Kay. </p><p></p><p>These days, like Nomad, I tell myself "It would be nice if Kay saw that she can do better. Please God I place her in Your hands. I know You love me, and I know You want me to live my best life and leave Kay in Your loving arms."</p><p></p><p>I don't think about Kay every minute, like I once did. I work the Twelve Steps and, when I falter, read my Al Anon books and the Bible.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 752723, member: 23706"] I agree. Whatever the root cause of the behaviors of our difficult kids, they share incredibly common traits of behavior. They tend to be completely me centered, act uncaring of those who love them the most, do not adhere to our boundaries, do not like social norms, self sabatage, and are not pleasant to be around. The last may be the worst. It is for my husband and me. I found Al Anon's twelve steps to work for every aspect of my life with difficult people. I don't limit it to addiction. This is my personal first three steps over Kay, taken from Al Anon. We admitted we were powerless over our difficult child...that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. All the steps are important to me, but these three are the ones I always go back to. It is not just addiction that we can not control. It is anything about anyone else. We are powerless. And for me God can take this when I can not, no matter what "it" is. We don't have the same power over these kids that they have over us. I think that in many cases we love them more than they love us. I know this is so with Kay. She has shown it repeatedly. We worried ourselves sleepless over her, yet when my husband was deathly ill with pneumonia and when I had Shingles, Kay never visited us. Never offered to help. Our other kids helped us, not Kay. Rick ran our business and took care of the house and visited all he could. Amy sat by her father's hospital bed, a rock of strength, and Kay never came because "hospitals make me queasy." She called the hospital sometimes and asked "Is Dad okay? I know he will be okay." Then she would go on about her hard life. I kid you not. If Kay had been ill, we would have sat vigil in her room. All of us. Now as well as before. Our difficult kids in my opinion are truly God's kids. If we don't hand them lovingly to Him, as we understand Him...or Her, we will spend our lives very sad and frustrated as we try to make a difference in the lives of stubborn kids who don't care if they hurt anyone else or by their behavior. They have mostly been indulged, loved greatly and given every advantage. They are entitled, not grateful. Maybe we gave too much??? I grew up very humbly and did not even have new clothes. My mother sewed my clothes or we went to thrift shops. Everything was hard fought, including college. Yet I adore my parents and would do anything for them. I don't understand Kay. These days, like Nomad, I tell myself "It would be nice if Kay saw that she can do better. Please God I place her in Your hands. I know You love me, and I know You want me to live my best life and leave Kay in Your loving arms." I don't think about Kay every minute, like I once did. I work the Twelve Steps and, when I falter, read my Al Anon books and the Bible. [/QUOTE]
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