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<blockquote data-quote="Betty Boop Anna" data-source="post: 710481" data-attributes="member: 21622"><p>okay, so let me tell you how yesterday went. My daughter and I were able to go to lunch and do a little walking around in a historical part of town. During lunch I did a majority of the talking which typically is the case. I tried to choose my words very carefully and tried to not make her feel I was trying to condone her in anyway, I just wanted to tell her that I would like a fresh start because the last couple weeks have been really hard for everyone. I told her I understand that she wants to spread her wings and get out on her own, and that I will have to learn to deal with it. I told her that I can't do anything but change my own behaviors and my own thoughts and that I was just wanting to make things comfortable. I told her that if this guy is who you really seem to want to be with, and if that's the case, it is what it is and let's make the best of it. I told her my concern was for her and that I wanted her to be happy and I'd like to be happy for her but in this situation I just have a very hard time dealing with that. Also I told her I was concerned about the kids especially the three-year-old, who I explained to her that this is similar to a divorce situation, I told her that for his sake we needed to really come to some Solid Ground to make him feel stable and safe, that we really need to think about his best interest at this point. His best interest is to make him feel safe and comfortable whether he is there or here or wherever she decides to take him. She seemed receptive to the conversation, she processed a lot of it, she didn't really have a whole lot to say back, she did agree that it would be in his best interest for us to have some sort of schedule so he knows when he's coming and where he's going. I also expressed to her that if this is not really what she wants to do as far as staying with this guy, I didn't want her to feel like she's trapped in a situation because she made a hasty decision that she was always welcome to come back home. but, also, that she couldn't have both, she either needed to go or come, no middle ground. </p><p>another thing I talled to her about was her financial issues. I told her that I didn't feel like we have been doing her a service by bailing her out several times this past year. I felt that I needed to let her know that I had not intended to be controlling but I see how that could be perceived that way. As a mom I just want to help her and not see her struggle to see her be successful. I also understand that sometimes help isn't helpful at all . I shared with her that I have worked with people that sometimes I know they're just trying to be helpful but in the end it's not really helpful, so I get it, and then I would try to step back and try not to be so "helpful". In a way that becomes controlling because I'm trying to get her to do something I want her to do. she needs to learn to communicate with me when she feels I'm smothering her, not just get upset and resentful. i needed help recognizing when shes feeling that way. so I told her that if she would like to take over her own finances that would be fine, but she still had an obligation to pay us back. I do not want to continue to enable her and I want to give her the opportunity to grow up and take on the responsibility because she is an adult. even though I'm mom and I love her and I hate to see her struggle I have to let her go or she's never going to learn to fly. Also if she wanted us to continue to try to help her get on her feet that would be her choice. at this point so we will have to talk some more about that. </p><p>I know that's a lot and I'm not great at paraphrasing, just want to share. I welcome any suggestions or advice as I know there is much work ahead if me to change my own ways. thanks for your ears!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Betty Boop Anna, post: 710481, member: 21622"] okay, so let me tell you how yesterday went. My daughter and I were able to go to lunch and do a little walking around in a historical part of town. During lunch I did a majority of the talking which typically is the case. I tried to choose my words very carefully and tried to not make her feel I was trying to condone her in anyway, I just wanted to tell her that I would like a fresh start because the last couple weeks have been really hard for everyone. I told her I understand that she wants to spread her wings and get out on her own, and that I will have to learn to deal with it. I told her that I can't do anything but change my own behaviors and my own thoughts and that I was just wanting to make things comfortable. I told her that if this guy is who you really seem to want to be with, and if that's the case, it is what it is and let's make the best of it. I told her my concern was for her and that I wanted her to be happy and I'd like to be happy for her but in this situation I just have a very hard time dealing with that. Also I told her I was concerned about the kids especially the three-year-old, who I explained to her that this is similar to a divorce situation, I told her that for his sake we needed to really come to some Solid Ground to make him feel stable and safe, that we really need to think about his best interest at this point. His best interest is to make him feel safe and comfortable whether he is there or here or wherever she decides to take him. She seemed receptive to the conversation, she processed a lot of it, she didn't really have a whole lot to say back, she did agree that it would be in his best interest for us to have some sort of schedule so he knows when he's coming and where he's going. I also expressed to her that if this is not really what she wants to do as far as staying with this guy, I didn't want her to feel like she's trapped in a situation because she made a hasty decision that she was always welcome to come back home. but, also, that she couldn't have both, she either needed to go or come, no middle ground. another thing I talled to her about was her financial issues. I told her that I didn't feel like we have been doing her a service by bailing her out several times this past year. I felt that I needed to let her know that I had not intended to be controlling but I see how that could be perceived that way. As a mom I just want to help her and not see her struggle to see her be successful. I also understand that sometimes help isn't helpful at all . I shared with her that I have worked with people that sometimes I know they're just trying to be helpful but in the end it's not really helpful, so I get it, and then I would try to step back and try not to be so "helpful". In a way that becomes controlling because I'm trying to get her to do something I want her to do. she needs to learn to communicate with me when she feels I'm smothering her, not just get upset and resentful. i needed help recognizing when shes feeling that way. so I told her that if she would like to take over her own finances that would be fine, but she still had an obligation to pay us back. I do not want to continue to enable her and I want to give her the opportunity to grow up and take on the responsibility because she is an adult. even though I'm mom and I love her and I hate to see her struggle I have to let her go or she's never going to learn to fly. Also if she wanted us to continue to try to help her get on her feet that would be her choice. at this point so we will have to talk some more about that. I know that's a lot and I'm not great at paraphrasing, just want to share. I welcome any suggestions or advice as I know there is much work ahead if me to change my own ways. thanks for your ears! [/QUOTE]
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