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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710536" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Betty. I read this late last night and could not respond and then I found myself dwelling on this when I woke up. Today is the week I am traveling cross country and have not a lot of time but I want to tell you this:</p><p></p><p>Every single thing you have said and done with respect to your daughter in the last couple of days, to me, has been sound, responsible and true. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>That does not mean that there will be results on a day to day basis that feel good to you or right. Or that the babies will be protected....which I will get to later.</p><p></p><p>The situation is still the situation: you have a 22 year old daughter who seems to have no motivation or goal other than being with boyfriends.</p><p></p><p>Who does not communicate clearly or at all her intent because she seems to not have any intent beyond the moment.</p><p></p><p>The summary statement here is: This is what it is. You have not one ounce of control over her.</p><p></p><p>But where you do have control is over yourself. You have control over your house and you have control over your willingness to be available to help her with her kids, and to help her with any financial support and lodging you are providing for her.</p><p></p><p>Every single bit of this is on you. You determine how much or how little or when or to what extent you care for those kids. You determine whether she lives with you, and under what conditions.</p><p></p><p>At this point it is like you are a 24 hour drive-in babysitter. She calls the shots. Push. Pull. Up. Down. She knows that you will be there on her terms, whenever. And when she wants to, she will decide to drive down the block and deliberately withhold her business from you and patronize another place. In part to punish you, it seems. To show you who has the power in the situation. She has shown you through this latest episode that she will use the kids and do with the kids whatever and whenever she wants.</p><p></p><p>So you have decisions to make. Nobody can tell you what to do. But the thing is, she has shown her willingness to hurt her children, and be indifferent to their pain and their suffering, to suit herself. This is the reality. And she is willing to hurt you too. A lot.</p><p></p><p>As long as you permit yourself to be a 24 hour drive in, she will continue this. Because that is what she has right now. It seems she has free room and board, and a free babysitter. That what you are. She is not showing you the respect you deserve as a mother or as a grandmother. You allow this. She is not showing respect and care to her children. She will jerk those kids and take them with her to g-d knows what man, and how many.</p><p></p><p>To participate in this lifestyle, is to condone it. At this point, you are only complaining. That does not help.</p><p></p><p>One thing you can think about doing is setting conditions, about your availability and under what conditions. If she wants you to take primary responsibility for the kids, you need this reflected legally. But she gets to decide this. These are her kids. Or you can continue as you are. Or you can decide on what you need from her. You can decide to call the shots.</p><p></p><p>To me this whole thing, as it stands, is an accident waiting to happen. Because there is absolutely no guarantee she will not keep doing what she is doing indefinitely and over and over again. Why would she stop? She knows she has got a great deal. And that she has ultimate power through your love and sense of responsibility for those kids.</p><p></p><p>You can choose to keep this the same, or you can decide to change it. You have to choose which piper to pay.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying that she does not have the potential to change. But the situation as it is gives her no incentive to change or to grow up. It gives her no incentive to grow in responsibility and character, or as a mother.</p><p></p><p>You do not only love those children you love her, and to my way of thinking you have a responsibility I believe to make decisions that foster her growth as a mother and as a person.</p><p></p><p>I understand you feel frustrated by her attitude and behavior. But the only piece of this you control is the extent that your own choices and behavior feed into this. There is an article on this forum on detachment. Which helped some of us to deal with situations with our kids similar to your own.</p><p></p><p>I struggle continuously with this. I want things to be one way and I am over and over again crushed because my son does not treat me in the way that I would want. When I feel mistreated by him I get so devastated that I lose my will to live, to even have a life. In the latest iteration, I have a trip cross country to make on Saturday. I have lost my will and strength to make this trip...because I feel depleted and without hope and worth as a person--because of how my son treats me, and how he is. I blame myself. Who bears responsibility for this? I do.</p><p></p><p>If I were you what I would do is start a new thread, a series of them. With a series of focused questions.</p><p></p><p>You know already how this makes you feel. And you know the specific problems you face, about your love for these kids, your fears for them, your lack of control of how she jerks them around, and your lack of control over her.</p><p></p><p>What seems next, to me, is the question: are there ways as a grandmother that I can protect both these kids and myself? And how?</p><p></p><p>What kinds of boundaries and conditions would I need to set up, with my daughter, with respect to my availability to take care of her children? Should she be living with me and my husband? What rules do I need to set up with respect to that living arrangement and my availability? Do I need to set up some kind of legal guardianship or custody arrangement? To make this a condition? Is it worth it me to risk this, and the likelihood she will for a time, withdraw the kids? To what extent am I enabling her irresponsibility by not setting limits and defining the situation in accordance with my own needs to be respected and to be safe, and that the kids be safe, that is, not having the kids repeatedly jerked away?</p><p></p><p>It is not working this current arrangement. That is what brought you to the forum. It is not only about her and what she is doing or not doing. It is about you and what you are doing and not doing. The latter piece of this is the only place where you have control. There is no control over her. Complaining about her will not help. The ball is in your court. I wish it were different but it is not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710536, member: 18958"] Betty. I read this late last night and could not respond and then I found myself dwelling on this when I woke up. Today is the week I am traveling cross country and have not a lot of time but I want to tell you this: Every single thing you have said and done with respect to your daughter in the last couple of days, to me, has been sound, responsible and true. That is what I think. That does not mean that there will be results on a day to day basis that feel good to you or right. Or that the babies will be protected....which I will get to later. The situation is still the situation: you have a 22 year old daughter who seems to have no motivation or goal other than being with boyfriends. Who does not communicate clearly or at all her intent because she seems to not have any intent beyond the moment. The summary statement here is: This is what it is. You have not one ounce of control over her. But where you do have control is over yourself. You have control over your house and you have control over your willingness to be available to help her with her kids, and to help her with any financial support and lodging you are providing for her. Every single bit of this is on you. You determine how much or how little or when or to what extent you care for those kids. You determine whether she lives with you, and under what conditions. At this point it is like you are a 24 hour drive-in babysitter. She calls the shots. Push. Pull. Up. Down. She knows that you will be there on her terms, whenever. And when she wants to, she will decide to drive down the block and deliberately withhold her business from you and patronize another place. In part to punish you, it seems. To show you who has the power in the situation. She has shown you through this latest episode that she will use the kids and do with the kids whatever and whenever she wants. So you have decisions to make. Nobody can tell you what to do. But the thing is, she has shown her willingness to hurt her children, and be indifferent to their pain and their suffering, to suit herself. This is the reality. And she is willing to hurt you too. A lot. As long as you permit yourself to be a 24 hour drive in, she will continue this. Because that is what she has right now. It seems she has free room and board, and a free babysitter. That what you are. She is not showing you the respect you deserve as a mother or as a grandmother. You allow this. She is not showing respect and care to her children. She will jerk those kids and take them with her to g-d knows what man, and how many. To participate in this lifestyle, is to condone it. At this point, you are only complaining. That does not help. One thing you can think about doing is setting conditions, about your availability and under what conditions. If she wants you to take primary responsibility for the kids, you need this reflected legally. But she gets to decide this. These are her kids. Or you can continue as you are. Or you can decide on what you need from her. You can decide to call the shots. To me this whole thing, as it stands, is an accident waiting to happen. Because there is absolutely no guarantee she will not keep doing what she is doing indefinitely and over and over again. Why would she stop? She knows she has got a great deal. And that she has ultimate power through your love and sense of responsibility for those kids. You can choose to keep this the same, or you can decide to change it. You have to choose which piper to pay. I am not saying that she does not have the potential to change. But the situation as it is gives her no incentive to change or to grow up. It gives her no incentive to grow in responsibility and character, or as a mother. You do not only love those children you love her, and to my way of thinking you have a responsibility I believe to make decisions that foster her growth as a mother and as a person. I understand you feel frustrated by her attitude and behavior. But the only piece of this you control is the extent that your own choices and behavior feed into this. There is an article on this forum on detachment. Which helped some of us to deal with situations with our kids similar to your own. I struggle continuously with this. I want things to be one way and I am over and over again crushed because my son does not treat me in the way that I would want. When I feel mistreated by him I get so devastated that I lose my will to live, to even have a life. In the latest iteration, I have a trip cross country to make on Saturday. I have lost my will and strength to make this trip...because I feel depleted and without hope and worth as a person--because of how my son treats me, and how he is. I blame myself. Who bears responsibility for this? I do. If I were you what I would do is start a new thread, a series of them. With a series of focused questions. You know already how this makes you feel. And you know the specific problems you face, about your love for these kids, your fears for them, your lack of control of how she jerks them around, and your lack of control over her. What seems next, to me, is the question: are there ways as a grandmother that I can protect both these kids and myself? And how? What kinds of boundaries and conditions would I need to set up, with my daughter, with respect to my availability to take care of her children? Should she be living with me and my husband? What rules do I need to set up with respect to that living arrangement and my availability? Do I need to set up some kind of legal guardianship or custody arrangement? To make this a condition? Is it worth it me to risk this, and the likelihood she will for a time, withdraw the kids? To what extent am I enabling her irresponsibility by not setting limits and defining the situation in accordance with my own needs to be respected and to be safe, and that the kids be safe, that is, not having the kids repeatedly jerked away? It is not working this current arrangement. That is what brought you to the forum. It is not only about her and what she is doing or not doing. It is about you and what you are doing and not doing. The latter piece of this is the only place where you have control. There is no control over her. Complaining about her will not help. The ball is in your court. I wish it were different but it is not. [/QUOTE]
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