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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710604" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>There is a reality to be faced. That reality is that to keep access to the babies, you submit yourself to mistreatment by her and to watch the babies be mistreated by her.</p><p></p><p>There is a way to hold this, to think about it, but you will have to be very, very strong. Somehow find a way to accept who she is and to find a way to tolerate it. And see your role as being there for the kids to the extent that you can.</p><p></p><p>The question is this: she is your daughter. Do you as her mother have obligations to her, to not continue to enable her to mistreat herself, her kids, and you? Another question: To what extent if at all is your marriage affected and your other kids affected by your continuing self-sacrifice, and by taking the hits? Because they are unwilling participants, and themselves may be affected too.</p><p></p><p>I mean, I have known people, Aunties, who have been de facto mothers, and have served as surrogate parents in exactly this kind of situation. These arrangements went on for decades and continued into adulthood. There were no formal rights. But in each case, they were not the biological mother of the parent, like you are, of your daughter.</p><p></p><p>I think what you are asking of yourself is doable but very, very difficult. It will require your being passive, and very, very defended. Because to some degree or another you will keep getting hurt over and over again. You will watch as these children are pulled and dragged. And you will not allow yourself voice.</p><p></p><p>I have been doing my own version of this with my son. I end up just like I think you feel, but worse. I have yet to find another, better answer. Because I love him. But the thing is, where is my love for myself? When I am hurt by him, I am devastated. I actually lose myself.</p><p></p><p>You seem stronger than I am.</p><p></p><p>Maybe the answer is my Fado music. That sometimes all there is, is heartbreak.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710604, member: 18958"] There is a reality to be faced. That reality is that to keep access to the babies, you submit yourself to mistreatment by her and to watch the babies be mistreated by her. There is a way to hold this, to think about it, but you will have to be very, very strong. Somehow find a way to accept who she is and to find a way to tolerate it. And see your role as being there for the kids to the extent that you can. The question is this: she is your daughter. Do you as her mother have obligations to her, to not continue to enable her to mistreat herself, her kids, and you? Another question: To what extent if at all is your marriage affected and your other kids affected by your continuing self-sacrifice, and by taking the hits? Because they are unwilling participants, and themselves may be affected too. I mean, I have known people, Aunties, who have been de facto mothers, and have served as surrogate parents in exactly this kind of situation. These arrangements went on for decades and continued into adulthood. There were no formal rights. But in each case, they were not the biological mother of the parent, like you are, of your daughter. I think what you are asking of yourself is doable but very, very difficult. It will require your being passive, and very, very defended. Because to some degree or another you will keep getting hurt over and over again. You will watch as these children are pulled and dragged. And you will not allow yourself voice. I have been doing my own version of this with my son. I end up just like I think you feel, but worse. I have yet to find another, better answer. Because I love him. But the thing is, where is my love for myself? When I am hurt by him, I am devastated. I actually lose myself. You seem stronger than I am. Maybe the answer is my Fado music. That sometimes all there is, is heartbreak. [/QUOTE]
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