A Mama's Heart Ache

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HopeFilledMama, May 12, 2016.

  1. Hi there, warrior women...

    I married rather late in life, after being jilted at the altar several years before. To be honest, I married because my biological clock was ticking. I always dreamed of being a Mother and having kids. 15 months after I was married, I had a baby girl. I had picked out her name when I was 14. She was my dream come true. I cherished her and was awed by her. She was bright and creative. Could not wait to know what she thought (boy...what a mistake!). As she grew, I discovered she was a gifted artist, tender-hearted (especially towards animals), danced to the beat of a different drummer, but that just made her even more intriguing. I supported what she enjoyed (Art, Band, Drama); did weekly "girls nights" with her all her life, did crazy beach drives and midnight runs for chocolate when she was PMSing. There was nothing we could not talk about and we were the best of friends.

    When she was 11, the long awaited and much wanted baby brother came. She LOVED him, and enjoyed being a big sister. He had autism and did not reciprocate her affections for a while. She would weep. Even though he was a difficult baby, and even more challenging toddler, our relationship remained tight. I made sure she felt important and mindfully did not allow the needs of my son outweigh the needs of my daughter.

    When she was a Junior in High School she started becoming depressed. I figured out it was her ADHD medications. I decided I'd rather have an alive "C" student than bury a dead "A" student. She stopped her medications and became the joyful girl she had always been (and somehow managed to graduate!)

    In March of 2006 my Mom passed away. In May of 2006 my oldest brother passed away. In October 2006 my Dad passed away. It was a tough year, and my antennae were not receiving signals that my daughter was into some trouble. The once very trustworthy girl began lying to cover her drinking. My very careful parenting began slipping because, after all, she was a senior and a "good girl" and dealing with so much grief of my own, I totally missed her detour.

    By the time she was 18, she was stealing our RX medications; having emotional explosions, drinking heavily, and involved in an online relationship with a much older guy. He decided to move here (they had only met once) and she moved in with him. He was an atheist, and she declared she was too. So there was more distancing. He was actually pretty good for her in other ways, and we treated him like a son. He respected us. She calmed down some (I thought) although I found out that there was more going on than I knew (risky sexual behavior involving others).

    After a while there was a huge blow up and she left him and moved in with a married couple. The guy left then my daughter and the girl became a couple.

    My daughter's girlfriend hates me. And once again, my daughter had adopted the thinking of the person she is living with. The girlfriend has, almost like a cult leader, forbidden my daughter to have contact with us. Encouraged her to change her name, posted slanderous and defaming thing on Facebook along with threats against my life. She has ripped up and returned presents we have sent our daughter, does not allow our daughter to pick her own college classes, her medical care ore even read my Facebook page (the girl has to filter any information she deems is appropriate for my daughter to read)

    I think it is the ultimate of rejection to be rejected by your own child. The last time I saw my daughter was December 2013. I ache for her. A piece of my heart is missing. How can this beautiful baby I longed for, held in my arms, nursed at my breast...this child who is part of me...the girl who I would lay my life down to save...how can she just walk away?

    This Mother's Day there was a tiny crack in the wall...a text. Very short...but she wished me a Happy Mother's Day and actually called me "Mom" (the few emails that have been exchanged I was referred to by my first name, not Mom). But she initiated contact.

    I pray that I will hold her in my arms again.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I DO think it would help you if you keep reminding yourself that she was your baby 20 years ago, but that she is in the young woman category now and her choices are not that of the cute little baby. She won't be in your arms again...not that way.

    I think you should give her space until this relationship collapses. She doesn't seem to be too good at long term relationships. Also remember that while she may be easily influenced by people, she has the final say when she makes decisions. She has the same choice any adult has...she can reject what her partners tell her to do.

    It sounds like she will be back. Have patience. Maybe remember she is an adult and don't smother her. It sounds like she probably has emotional problems, but you can't fix them. She has to recognize it and get help herself.

    I have two daughters and, in my heart, they will always be my precious babies...I get it. But we have to give them roots to grow and wings to fly in my opinion. They have to be treated as adults and we need to expect them to treat us with respect, or some adult children will not. They need us to be strong for them AND maybe more importantly...for us. Nobody respects a doormat;this from an ex doormat. Adult kids don't really want doormat parents either. They will lose respect if we let them treat us like dirt.

    I feel bad for your situation. in my opinion don't beg or grovel or act grateful when she comes back. Restraint. Calm kindness. Expectations that the old behaviors will not be tolerance. I wouldn't TALK about that, but if she gets disrespectful I would show her, with maturity, that you are unwilling to text her or talk to her if she is abusive. "Why not talk when we can have a mutually respectful discussion? I'm going to give you time to cool off now. Love you and later." (Hang up)

    Any drugs in this picture?

    Hon...this is NOT your fault.
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    Last edited: May 12, 2016

  3. I've been allowing her space. We've emailed a few times. And I am careful what I say. I write...reread and whittle. I am NOT at all mushy with her. When she texted me on Mother's day...I waited until late in the evening until I acknowledged her text and simply said "Thank you. You made my day." It was a shock to hear from her, but I was not going to overwhelm her. I've given her distance, and I believe that her relationship will implode as well.

    by the way....when I say "hold her in my arms" I do not mean as a baby...just an embrace/hug. <3
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Oh, I know what you meant :). Especially with my girls though in my secret mind they are my babies and I always want to baby them. They don't want me to and I don't, but my youngest, in particular, is my baby. I have to struggle to see the young woman she is.

    Maybe this is about me, not you lol.

    I wish you a peaceful night.
  5. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    It sounds to me as though she is trying to discover herself through her relationships with others. The atheism, homosexuality - neither of which offend me personally. I think she is seeking something she feels is missing in herself through others, and she is very vulnerable to their control and beliefs. It is a hard, painful road to discovery but perhaps at the end, she will find her true self and come back to you. It is hard to be patient, it is hard to watch them suffer, but these are lessons she must learn for herself.
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  6. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Is she actively using drugs? Opiates, pain medications? Or anti anxiety? For an addict, only one thing is truly certain; life crashes down around us. We can only fake it for so long. If her relationships with others are based around drugs, the fix is stopping the drug use. Addicts don't need or want other addicts as friends when we recover. Relationships built around drug dependency are flimsy, This is because both sides cannot care about the other more than their habits. Getting a fix is ALWAYS priority number one.
  7. I think sh
    I don't know. I think they both "toy" with drugs from posts. I don't think she is a constant user. She would steal pain medications from us and replace the pills with "something" so we did not realize there was medications missing. She was very unpredictable emotionally (17 - 19) then she moved out. The last time she came over (Christmas of 2013) I think she was high. She was shaky, and barely ate anything. She had also dropped quite a bit of weight. I *think* but don't know for sure. She has recently had severe health issues...long story which I'll share another time. But she had been giving herself Testosterone injections (I'm sure black market) and I'm wondering if that has caused issues as well. Both she and her girlfriend were doing it at the same time. It is all very confusing. :*(
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Bet there is more drug use than you think or know. She may be smart enough not to post the scope of it on fb. I sure would never give her any money.

    My daughter, who tends to be on the chubby side, was stick skinny when she took meth (we didn't know that was why.)

    At any rate, the bottom line right now is that she is out of your house so that some of the stress must be less intense.

    Testosterone. I won't ask but I guess I know. Unless a doctor is doing the injections....who knows? Scary.

    I am really sorry.
  9. Love never ends

    Love never ends New Member

    Hi From the part you say your daughters girlfriend hates you its like I had written the rest ... I had my daughter in a relationship with what I can only describe as the devil herself ... She has ripped an entire family apart and as a family we have been to hell and back .. It started with little controlling things towards my daughter and then got worse my daughter moved in with her and started thinking I was a bad mother and spying on her etc ... The girl eventually lost her temper and beat my daughter so badly the police were called ... Still my daughter refused to see how dangerous this girl was ... A year on from the end of the relationship she was put into a safe house as she needed protection and we ourselves had been threatened etc .. My daughter is still not herself and I only wish I could turn back the clock as I feel the whole family is wrecked because of this girl ... The girl in question has got seven convictions of violence and doing similar things to other girls .. She will get a slap on the wrist as excuses are she has been in care etc ... While we sit with a broken family .... I send you so much sympathy feeling you have lost your daughter as no one can begin to imagine the heartache you feel when you carry so much love for what will always be your little girl xxx
  10. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Why the injections? That's not exactly a recreational drug... Does she have a gender identity issue?

    The symptoms you describe are identical the symptoms I experienced. And I am addicted to opiates. Natural and synthetic. Which is what pain medication is. When you abruptly stop, you become incredibly weak. I would nearly black out every time I stood up. It also causes sunken eyes, and incessant watery eyes and runny nose. Lots of sneezing, and yawning, too. Eating becomes a nuisance at best, as you are almost certainly going to throw it up. Body becomes unable to regulate its temperature, which results in drastic temperature changes. Going from goose skin freezing to unrelenting sweating within minutes of each other. Anxiety goes through the roof, and you are incapable of sitting or laying still. Always kicking. Which is where the term "kicking the habit" comes from.

    Those are all symptoms that an opiate detox presents. If she is showing more than a few of them, she is probably dependent on opiates.
  11. The other thing is she sniffled, like constantly. I am dumb when it comes to drugs, but I think that is a sign as well.

    I have a very (extremely) special needs son, with severe trauma, and actually that is where my stress comes from, along with the absence of my daughter. I miss her terribly. :*(
  12. I would not call Testosterone "recreational drugs" but because I know she doesn't have money, and she is giving her own injections, that it is most likely black market.

    My daughter labels herself as the "T" in LBGT. This is new. It does not describe her child/teen image, at least as far as I knew her. We were very close when she was a teen, she told me when she tried pot, and when she made out with a boy at a party she just met, and tons of other "difficult to tell Mom" things. So I would *think* that I would have picked up on the gender thing, but maybe I missed it. I more think that she was craving love and acceptance after a bad break up with her x-boyfriend, and was susceptible to the psychological brain-washing of a power hungry 2nd year psyc major that gained her trust. It has been a wild ride.
  13. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Well, sexuality isn't a choice. We are attracted to what we are attracted to. She could very well be bisexual. Preferring neither gender over the other, but the person themselves. Though, I don't think this is really relevant to this discussion.

    She seems to be dependent on others. Which makes it incredibly easy to take advantage of her. Which is unfortunate. I would suggest making sure she knows that she isn't just stuck in a bad situation. That you love her, and that you will be there should she ever decide to make some changes. You do not need to condone or enable her bad behavior, but she is much more likely to want to change if she knows there is something worth changing for. Like her family. I am sure feelings are hurt on both sides, and she may not feel like she has options anymore. People who don't think they have something to lose generally don't make healthy decisions. I know she hasn't lost you. You are here for a reason, after all. Make sure she understands that, too.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is hard to hear and I had to face it too with my daughter's friends.

    The onus is on our adult kids. Not the partners THEY choose for their own reasons. I'm not saying girlfriend isn't an influence. I am saying that your daughter is old enough not to follow her lead, no matter how smart this girlfriend is. It is your daughters choice of friends and now girlfriend that is your daughter s problem. If she had not hooked up with this woman, she still has a history of picking bad people in her life.

    She will hopefully get tired of her life enough to dump the losers and get into therapy. Maybe the place she is at now will help her get her life together. I sure am hoping so.

    Again, this is not on you. You have power over one person...yourself. you can't fix your daughter, but you can decide to react to her drama differently. You need to be well for your other loved ones and most of all for yourself.

    Do take care. Hugs!!
  15. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Emotionally unstable people tend to be drawn to other emotionally unstable people. This is true regardless of what is causing the emotional instability. Be it drugs, alcohol, depression, etc. Together, they become even worse. Worse than they likely would have become separately.

    That doesn't take away responsibility, though. It is an explanation, not an excuse.
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