a million little pieces

[Steely]

I am sorry I have not been on here more - and I am sorry when I post my own post I am so whiney. I wish more of myself.

I guess simply put, I am a mess.

I miss matthew more than I ever thought humanly possible to miss a difficult child. I am worried about his mental state 24/7 - and I really, really miss him.

I miss H still - sometimes I miss her so badly it physically hurts.

Work has demoted it's mgmt team "to the floor" which bores the living fire out of me. I have been a sales person too many years, and a manager too many years - there is a reason I choose mgmt.

And then this friend of mine died, suddenly - without any prior warning to me - but yet I knew it before she died - and that freaked me out over the edge, and down the deep gulley of craziness.

My parents are in Chile, I have no friends, no life.............and I don't know what to do.

I have called my dr, and t-doctor.........I mean, there is nothing else to do that I can think of or they can think of to make this depression go away. This valley is the worst it has ever been - and although I try to stay thank full that I have a job, food, clothes - all I want is to see Matt, and to have H back, and to have a fulfulling career - let alone a lover or a friend.

I just pray this gets better somehow. I am doing everything the professionals tell me to do - and I still cannot make this go away. I left work mentally sick yesterday - and here I sit in my jeans and bra trying to psyche myself into going again.

And yet more than anything I hope and pray Matt feels better. He is suicidally depressed, anxious, and still really mentall ill. I need him to be OK.

Thanks for listening. I have to put my shirt on and go to work and wander around the sales floor and sell things. Things that have no value to me whatseover right now - but it is a job.

 

[Shari]

Oh, girl, it breaks my heart to hear you so sad...

DO NOT APOLOGIZE for your posts. It is where you're at, and its ok. I just wish I could do more to help pull you out of this hole...

Don't know what to do or say other than send a hug and a prayer for you. Wish you were my neighbor.

 

[lovemysons]

Steely, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. Boy do I know depression...such deep emotional pain.

Like Shari, I wish you were a neighbor that I could reach out to and give a hug and just "be there" for...

I hope your Dr is able to help you soon too.
Hugs and love,
Tammy

 

[hearts and roses]

Steely, I can empathize with you. I've been spiraling downward myself these last couple of weeks. Worries and stressing over anything you can name have me reduced to tears nearly every day lately. I am having trouble coping too and I lost a friend recently as well. Hers was a slow regression. She's alive, just not in my life anymore. Anyway, enough about me...

I'm sending up a little prayer for you today that you will find some light in your life to help you see through each day. Hugs and prayers~♥

 

[totoro]

I know nothing I have to offer can really make it go away.
I always have a room here in Tucson. I always have a room up in Idaho.
I always have room in my heart.
I am not doing well right now myself, my kids are not well either.
But I can not imagine the distress or pain or sheer terror that goes through you each day. Please know that you are worth something in this world.
I know it is hard to see or feel at times.
It will come again.
M will come out of this. It may take awhile. This is a huge roller coaster you both are on. And this one is not fun.

 

[Star*]

(sends glue).............

Friendship is like glue -
When you feel you are broken -
And can't pull yourself together?
I'm the glue that will try to help you be whole again.

i think - you need........a hobby.
I mean like volunteering to rock AIDS babies.
Being involved with a local orphanage and maying helping one kid as a volunteer - I mean you're great with kids -
Dont' know if you're in a grieving group - but it couldn't hurt to check out one even if you never said a word.

Volunteer at the humane society - if I'm wrong and you don't like kids - I'm sure you love animals
Or Volunteer at a nursing home -

I'm sorry Steely -
Wish I had better advice -
this was the hardest part I faced with Dude when he was so far away - and I HAD to learn to let go just a bit - then a bit more.....then a lot more and it is NOT easy - you want to protect them from the world and explain TO the world - this kid isn't NORMAL - help him. Help him more than you would THAT normal kid. Okay.? I so get that.

For all you've been through - give yourself credit and stop saying you're whiney - if you FEEL you're whiney then find something to occupy your time. And really - stop being so tough on yourself. And tell yourself it IS OKAY to be angry as long as you express it in an approriate manner - which you are - so there is ANOTHER thing to give yourself a pat on the back for -

HUGS & LOVE
Star

 

[4sumrzn]

Sending big {{{HUGS}}} your way & praying you have brighter days ahead.

 

[gcvmom]

No need EVER to apologize on this board for your feelings.

I think Star has a good idea about volunteering. Sometimes getting out there and helping someone who is also struggling (albeit for different reasons), and feeling a part of something bigger than yourself, can help realign your perspective and focus. It does not diminish what you've been through, or invalidate your pain, but it can help buffer it a bit, maybe even help you process it better and find some meaning to help you soldier on a bit easier.

Find something you can identify with and that you'd enjoy doing and go do it. With the holidays coming, I'm sure there are many service groups out there that are in need of volunteer help.

Sending many hugs and hope that you can find some peace for yourself soon.

 

[KTMom91]

I wish I had some magic answers for you, or that California and Texas were closer together so we could sit and have several cups of tea and some cookies. No need for apologies, you've had a crushingly difficult year. Many many hugs and prayers still being said for you and Matt.

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys.......

Really, really odd/cool thing. Right after I posted this message.......right as I was driving to work, the haze started to lift, just a little. I got a call from Matt's t-doctor that he was doing better than he had seen him yet - and then I walked into work and realized my favorite friend at work, J, was closing the store with me.

Two small little things - combined with obviously your prayers temporarily suspended my gloomy malaise. I instantly felt it lift, it was neat.

I am hoping I can keep the momentum going. Or maybe I should just post here every day until it goes away

Volunteering is at the very top of my list to do. It seems like forever it has been at the top of my list, but unfortunately I can't seem to gather the gumption to get that ball rolling. Hopefully I will find it soon.

Thanks again. I know there is nothing one can say to jump start someone out of their depression - but, like today - sometimes just writing it out to others that care helps.

(PS
We are having a massive thunderstorm right now. I love thunderstorms.)

Steely

 

[Abbey]

Hey Steely...just drive to WI. We can have a great pity party together!!! It will be loads of fun!

Abbey

 

[Andy]

Oh Steely, do post everyday. You are in our thoughts and prayers. We think about you everyday and wonder how things are going for you.

I am glad you found some positives today. Every little bit of positive helps so much.

If you are ready to volunteer, how about volunteering in a local Salvation Army for their Thanksgiving community meal? Or being a bell ringer? (You can ring away some stress) Contact the United Way or whatever organization in your community is in charge of the Toys for Tots program or Angel Tree program (Salvation Army?) and see if you can assist in manning their public sites or wrapping gifts or delivering the gifts to families in need?

Sending hugs and strength your way!

 

[Kjs]

I'm so sorry you are so sad. Can you visit Matt? Call for an update? Talk to him?

I know they say time heals. My experience losing my mom, Time doesn't take away how much I miss her. Time does help the pain. I look at her pictures often, watch her video and cry.

I have no friends really to speak of either. But my boys keep me going.

Take care. Do something for you.

 

[amazeofgrace]

<<<HUGS>>>> I so understand

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) Sorry you are going through this, still.... would it help to write Matt, even if you can't send the letter, and get these feelings about him out on paper?

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys..........
With Matt's new placement, for the first time in 3 months, we are slowly incorporating phone calls into his program. This week we are supposed to have 4, last week 2. I think once I can talk to him normally every day it will help a TON. I just need to be able to talk to my kid about silly kid stuff, ya know? Or the stupid thing the dogs did. Or he can tell me a joke (which he is awesome at). Just normal stuff. I don't know.

I am pretty worried about Christmas and Thanksgiving. I am going to have to work really, really hard at pretending they do not exist as societies centerpiece for family gatherings. I will try to focus on it being yet another day.

(Another things I miss most about him is his help around the house. Like fixing my computer, or grabbing the dead squirrel out of the dog's mouth. I am bad at that stuff.
And the dogs miss him terribly. One person that works full time cannot possibly give 3 dogs the attention they want. Plus they act SO much better for him. What is the irony in that? Oh well.)