I am sorry I have not been on here more - and I am sorry when I post my own post I am so whiney. I wish more of myself. I guess simply put, I am a mess. I miss matthew more than I ever thought humanly possible to miss a difficult child. I am worried about his mental state 24/7 - and I really, really miss him. I miss H still - sometimes I miss her so badly it physically hurts. Work has demoted it's mgmt team "to the floor" which bores the living fire out of me. I have been a sales person too many years, and a manager too many years - there is a reason I choose mgmt. And then this friend of mine died, suddenly - without any prior warning to me - but yet I knew it before she died - and that freaked me out over the edge, and down the deep gulley of craziness. My parents are in Chile, I have no friends, no life.............and I don't know what to do. I have called my dr, and t-doctor.........I mean, there is nothing else to do that I can think of or they can think of to make this depression go away. This valley is the worst it has ever been - and although I try to stay thank full that I have a job, food, clothes - all I want is to see Matt, and to have H back, and to have a fulfulling career - let alone a lover or a friend. I just pray this gets better somehow. I am doing everything the professionals tell me to do - and I still cannot make this go away. I left work mentally sick yesterday - and here I sit in my jeans and bra trying to psyche myself into going again. And yet more than anything I hope and pray Matt feels better. He is suicidally depressed, anxious, and still really mentall ill. I need him to be OK. Thanks for listening. I have to put my shirt on and go to work and wander around the sales floor and sell things. Things that have no value to me whatseover right now - but it is a job.