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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662468" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Lila,</p><p></p><p>I know so well where you are at because I am in and out of that state. We have something in common, Lila. Each of our children was born with challenges. My son was born drug-exposed and abandoned by his birth parents and with Hep B which went undetected until he was 19; your daughter with gender identity issues.</p><p></p><p>Both of our kids have to work out issues that were not their fault.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, I sometimes think I feel on some level it must be <em>my fault. </em>After all<em>, my child sometimes seems to think it is and act like it is. </em>And <em>somebody</em> must be at fault. So I take it on.</p><p></p><p>And I think I take it a step further. I think I try to bargain deep inside of myself. If I take the blame, and really punish myself very, very hard...please G-d will you keep him safe? And in this way in a situation where I have no blame, no iota of it, and no control, I come to feel at once both punished and in a sort of weird control.</p><p></p><p>At least I control one thing. I am torturing myself.</p><p></p><p>And that is what is called a symptom. Kind of killing two birds with one stone. And we unfortunately are the birds. Because I think you may be doing the same thing as me.</p><p></p><p>If you are doing this it is based upon flawed thinking. Because after all, it is not your fault. And you have no control. Only of yourself.</p><p></p><p>Try to stop it, Lila. Because it is not helping your daughter at all. Only she can decide to help herself. </p><p></p><p>Are you old enough to remember the song "Feelings?" Feelings....nothing more than feelings...I forget the rest of the lyrics but remember the melody.</p><p></p><p>My son has been out of my home for almost 4 years. Except for a very short time he has always had a place to stay. He has had food. While he may have been around bad people, he has always tried to stay above the fray. In fact, he prides himself in his difference from misguided and problematic people.</p><p></p><p>There is not one thing you can do right now if she does not want to come home. Nor can you let her if she is abusive to you. Allowing your daughter to abuse you will only hurt her and hurt you. Try to remember that.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is OK. You are OK. Keep posting. All day long and into the night if you need to. That is what I do sometimes when I am really a mess. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662468, member: 18958"] Hi Lila, I know so well where you are at because I am in and out of that state. We have something in common, Lila. Each of our children was born with challenges. My son was born drug-exposed and abandoned by his birth parents and with Hep B which went undetected until he was 19; your daughter with gender identity issues. Both of our kids have to work out issues that were not their fault. But the thing is, I sometimes think I feel on some level it must be [I]my fault. [/I]After all[I], my child sometimes seems to think it is and act like it is. [/I]And [I]somebody[/I] must be at fault. So I take it on. And I think I take it a step further. I think I try to bargain deep inside of myself. If I take the blame, and really punish myself very, very hard...please G-d will you keep him safe? And in this way in a situation where I have no blame, no iota of it, and no control, I come to feel at once both punished and in a sort of weird control. At least I control one thing. I am torturing myself. And that is what is called a symptom. Kind of killing two birds with one stone. And we unfortunately are the birds. Because I think you may be doing the same thing as me. If you are doing this it is based upon flawed thinking. Because after all, it is not your fault. And you have no control. Only of yourself. Try to stop it, Lila. Because it is not helping your daughter at all. Only she can decide to help herself. Are you old enough to remember the song "Feelings?" Feelings....nothing more than feelings...I forget the rest of the lyrics but remember the melody. My son has been out of my home for almost 4 years. Except for a very short time he has always had a place to stay. He has had food. While he may have been around bad people, he has always tried to stay above the fray. In fact, he prides himself in his difference from misguided and problematic people. There is not one thing you can do right now if she does not want to come home. Nor can you let her if she is abusive to you. Allowing your daughter to abuse you will only hurt her and hurt you. Try to remember that. Your daughter is OK. You are OK. Keep posting. All day long and into the night if you need to. That is what I do sometimes when I am really a mess. It helps. [/QUOTE]
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