A Mother's Choice - Update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PorcupineWhisperer, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. PorcupineWhisperer

    PorcupineWhisperer New Member

    For those who remember the original post, in late January I offered a " Pop Quiz" regarding a mother who had to choose whether to bring her 'pre-sociopathic' son home after his untimely discharge from a residential program.
    Well, the end of January came and went and 'Junior' was discharged from the program. It was decided by the state that since he had threatened to kill mom and sister, going home was not an option (even though mom said she would take him if no foster home could be found). Well no foster home could be found and Junior went to an emergency shelter, where he remains today.
    Overall it sound like he's doing OK - the biggest issue I am working on is honesty in therapy: Example when he first arrived at the shelter he attempted to runaway (crawling out of a window, bag packed). His version to me "staff said I could go for a walk and that's what I was doing." Uh huh, sure. :)
    The interesting thing is that he likes being at the shelter. He can curse (staff doesn't like the kids to, but there are no consequences), not have to do chores if he doesn't want to and there are lots of cool outings to go on. Not sure how he will transition to a foster home or eventually back to mom's home, since neither are going to allow him as much freedom or entertaining activities. Mom visits once a week and I see him for weekly for therapy.
    We'll see how it goes.... :)
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    it seems he has found a niche for now. While I hope for long term rehab for the child, it doesn't seem likely.

    Glad the child was NOT sent home. It wasn't safe for anyone.


  3. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I recall emergency shelter to be a short term "fix", if you will, until a more appropriate long term placement is found. wm was in short term shelter & he loved it for the freedoms.

    Staff just either didn't or were not instructed to keep any level of structure or mete out consequences. It was about keeping the calm until something else could be worked out for wm & he loved it.

    in my humble opinion, acute setting phospitals, some RTCs, day treatments can, in many ways, set a family up to fail as most normal families do not have the wherewithal to provide the level of supervision, structure or entertainment that is provided in these facilities.

    Not many of these children are taught self calming skills or to recognize the need for them; not taught how to self amuse; or even how to stop & think. Many of these life skills, no matter the diagnosis, need to follow from therapy to phospital, to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), to day treatment & progress into home life.

    Okay - off my soapbox! I promise. From the parent's end I've been frustrated with the inability to build a team willing to work a well written treatment plan & follow through from acute crisis situations to the home setting. Okay - I'm really off my soapbox now.

    I feel for this mother & her difficult child. I pray God that an appropriate treatment placement can be found for him that gives Mom as much contact as is possible while keeping her & daughter safe at home. Thanks for the update.

    by the way, do you make housecalls? I have a few things that need to be mediated up this way & I know you'd do a world of good for wm (don't expect honesty anytime soon though).

  4. PorcupineWhisperer

    PorcupineWhisperer New Member

    TL: You are on the money with the description of the shelter environment. The things that are 'OK' in the shelter would never have been tolerated when he was in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). For example, when Junior started public school, they reported that he was sleeping through his morning classes. When they were talking about changing his medications to help with this, I pointed out that he had been stable on the same medication combo for almost a year (and of course no sleeping in class at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)). I told them that the only thing that changed was that he was now living in a different building. I asked them to check what time he was going to bed. They checked the staff logs and they indicated that he was often up past midnight playing his DS. At the shelter they can't 'make' the kids put things away, they can only ask them. They did change his medications and guess what he is still sleeping in class (most recently sleeping through the states' mandatory achievement testing).
    I do agree about skills being transfered to home and continuity of care. In Junior's case because I was able to continue to see him therapeutically, hopefully he can continue to work on the skills that he was starting to utilize in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I think the treatment team defers to me on many issues (like home visits) - mainly I think because if something goes bad there's a person to point the fingers at... :)
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That just makes me sick to the stomach, PW.
  6. PorcupineWhisperer

    PorcupineWhisperer New Member

    Yeah, his mom wasn't pleased either.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey Spike -

    The situation you described is moreover the norm. in society today than the exception. You may recall my son was pre-diagnosed as a budding anti-social. His bio-father is a sociopath. We (Dude and self) have spent years in CBT and EMDR trying to make sense of what happened and where we move on to from here.

    In whatever way you can, please let this Mom know that while she feels alone in her day to day - she really isn't. There are a few of us on the board here who out of desperation found this board and it's unique ability to make you not feel like you're crazy. I too have had to journey down the dark road of 1,000 sorrows to make my peace with the child I was given. After coming to this group? I know I'm not alone and THAT made all the difference in my ability to speak about what we were going through.

    Thinking back if I had to tell you things that I felt helped my son the most?
    Continued weekly therapy
    Parenting with effective communication and continued parenting skills improvement.
    Juvenille jail.

    It stinks when you KNOW the placement is wrong - but is the ONLY place you have left. So everytime that became a reality I became a warrior Mom fighting and advocating for better conditions and truer conditions to help my son. Your hands are never tied when you tongue may be.